Two percent. No, not the milk. Not my phone battery, but the percentage of black people in Salt Lake City, Utah where I'm currently working. Two percent is like two pennies out of a dollar. What can you buy with two pennies? Nothing. It might as well be zero.
According to a report from The United States Census Bureau, millennials accounted for over 40% of all movers between 2007 and 2012, despite making up less than a quarter of the U.S. population. We're moving for work at unprecedented rates, and sometimes, these jobs take us across the country.
When I first accepted my offer in Salt Lake City, my friends were horrified. What's in Utah... There's no men… You're going to become a sister wife! You name it; I've heard it. Months later, and I'm still getting roasted. While Salt Lake certainly isn't NYC by any means, I welcome the change of pace with open arms and enjoy seeing all the extra zeros in my bank account – for now.
Sometimes, you need a change to truly reflect on what you want and where you want to go.
So, if black people only make up 2% of the population, imagine my surprise when men – black men – kept appearing at every corner. Let me preface this by saying that I am not a dating advice extraordinaire, nor am I going out of my way to meet people, but I don't think I've ever received this much attention in my life. My first week in the city, a man literally pulled over his SUV to ask me where I was from and if I wanted to go on a date. He apologized for his forthrightness but explained how few black women he crossed paths with.
Beyond being scared for my life (I watch Criminal Minds, don't play), I was S-H-O-O-K. Coffee shops, convenience stores, CHURCH, young, old, tall, short, diverse nationalities… I keep getting asked out.
They move different.
I find the attention more humorous than anything, but after living in NYC and DC, I can't help but reflect on how completely different the dynamics are. In major cities, the perception is that there are new prospects everywhere, given the huge population. More people, less serious, temporary, casual — you could go on a different date with a different person every day if you wanted to, especially in the Age of Dating Apps. While I know several couples who met in major urban hubs, I know even more ladies who rant about how impossible it is to date seriously in an environment that values quantity. Or that major cities are so big that it's hard to meet people organically outside of work (risky) and bars (ehhh).
On the flip side, in smaller, less diverse cities like Salt Lake City, there is a pronounced scarcity. Don't get me wrong, I have several grievances with the city (no black hair stylists, they think Usher's "Let It Burn" is still in the Top 100, the grocery stores don't sell wine… I can keep going.) But, I wasn't expecting the forwardness that comes with the race and gender imbalance. Gone are the moments of: "Is he interested?" "Should I say something?" "Will he call?" Within one date, they're talking about their interest and intentions, which certainly feels more directed and less "casual" in comparison to the other cities I've lived in. From one extreme to another. Take that as you will.
While attention certainly does not reflect shared interest and mutual attraction nor is my experience representative of all black women in Utah, I feel like Beyonce! Even though I spend the majority of my evenings binge-watching shows on Netflix, it's nice to feel like a snack every once in a while.
I have found that relationships in general take on a more important role when moving to a less diverse city. Building friendships and finding "your community" amidst a population where most of the people may not look like you no longer feels optional, but mandatory. Outside of work, if you are not, you're significantly less likely to organically build a support network, which is necessary on those rainy days when you just want to rant about your failed twist-out or reminisce about your life before you moved to the middle of nowhere.
If having a social life and community building are important to you, actually consider putting effort into it. Attend company affinity network events, seek out young professional social mixers, reach out to college alumni at your firm, and use social media resources – don't isolate yourself.
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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