
You've seen them—women who are completely about their business. And they are damn good at it, too. Some refer to them as bosses and others refer to them as Queens, but no matter what you call them, know that they didn't get where they are without hard work and determination. And their road to success always includes an intentional daily routine for healthy body and mind.
Mindfulness is essentially the ability to be aware and fully present of what you're doing and where you are. And because you are fully present, you aren't easily overwhelmed by what may be going on around you (i.e. a whole pandemic). So often we find ourselves becoming distracted, overwhelmed, and dare I say obsessed over what's going on around us or even what may occur in the future. This can lead to anxiety, getting off track, and eventually becoming stagnant which will without a doubt affect your ability to level up in your career. Practicing mindfulness or developing a mindfulness routine takes practice. It's both a mindset and a lifestyle.
I reached out to 5 successful career women who so graciously spilled the tea on their morning routines, intention-setting, and how practicing mindfulness has helped them in their careers. They even shared advice on things they do to stay present and in the moment. Take notes.
Her Mindful Morning Routine:
"To be completely honest, I am not a morning person! Never have been, never will be, which makes disciplining myself in the morning even more important to set the tone for my day. First, I absolutely must make my bed. There's something about this small accomplishment—a tidy room and home—that keep my mind decluttered as well. Second, I meditate and pray. Even if only for 10 minutes, while sitting on the floor or standing in the shower, I take a moment to pause, thank God for another day and be present with the breath flowing through my lungs to remind myself that I am human and it's a blessing just to be alive and healthy.
"After indulging in my skincare routine, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed, I spend another few minutes brewing and sipping my coffee while listening to some music or a podcast. All of this is before I pick up my phone to scroll through Instagram or jump on my laptop to check emails. At some point, I'll work some exercise into this routine, but for right now, that's my morning. It's taken a lot of practice, and working from home without a commute can make one lazy, but doing each of these things before getting the workday started makes me feel energized and ready to conquer anything thrown at me."
Setting Her Intentions:
"If you don't set intentions for your day, your day has the ability to set its own course. The external world is not something that you can control, but when you focus on what is within your control, that sense of empowerment can fuel you to overcome any potential procrastination, dreadfulness and negativity."
"Setting positive intent for myself and my life has been my lifeline lately. I've been working from home for my full-time, product marketing career in fintech and my side hustle interior-design business in complete isolation for about nine months now. Without prayer, therapy, and a solid support system, I'd have gone bat-crazy by now! However, having these three things and setting clear intentions for myself daily, weekly, and monthly have kept me sane. There is no secret superpower or helpful trick. You just have to commit to doing so every single day."
The Role Mindfulness & Intention Have Played In Her Career:

Photo Courtesy of Amber Guyton
"The further I grow in my career, the more I realize that empathy, self-awareness, and other soft skills just aren't as common among adults and professionals as it should be. We are all human, make mistakes, and fall short. Being able to see your own faults and areas of improvement is truly a gift and one that everyone should embrace. When you're your worst critic, you never let up on yourself. Those impossible expectations you set for yourself daily, you also impose on everyone around you, and girl, that's not healthy.
"Give yourself grace and remember that you're only human. There, too, is value in your imperfections and weaknesses."
"This type of mindfulness, honesty, and vulnerability has made me a better friend, daughter, team leader, business owner and mentor. It's helped me grow up and be a better woman. Most of all, it's kept me from burning out, because delegation, taking breaks, and setting boundaries are not only a form of self-care, but they also enable you to fill the cups of others as your own overflows."
Her Intention Of The Moment:
"Interrupt anxiety with gratitude. It's so easy to allow depression, anxiety, worry, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, or any dose of negativity to disrupt your mood and shift your mindset and emotions. Whenever this happens to me (which is pretty often), I just remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for. OK sure, this hiccup happened on a work project or your colleague isn't pulling his weight. But you love your job. You have a job. You are gainfully employed and the good outweighs the bad. Your ancestors would be so proud of all you have and all you've achieved. You are their wildest dream and that could only be possible here as you stand on their shoulders. You've had some hard days, but nothing is too hard for God.
"Don't allow this five-minute problem to ruin the next five hours of your day. Don't allow another human being to make you think less of your own soul. Concentrate on the positive so the temporary negativity won't consume you. There is always something to be grateful for."
For more of Amber, follow her on Instagram @blessedlittlebungalow.
Crystal Renee' Hayslett: Actress, Creative Director, Producer

Photo by Kayla Madonna of Madonna Studios
Courtesy of Crystal Renee' Hayslett
Her Mindful Morning Routine:
"Each morning, I make a conscious effort to take a moment to pray, meditate, and write in my 'I Am' journal. The front of the journal states, 'I am grateful. I am joyful. I am abundant. I am successful. I am worthy.' It's a constant reminder that whatever you say you are, it will begin to manifest in your life. Once I'm done, I get a good workout in, make breakfast, and it's time to get going!"
Her Intention Of The Moment:
"I like to set daily intentions since we are in a constant state of evolution and growth. My intention at the moment is to be more present. It's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you miss how beautiful your life really is."
The Importance Of Practicing Mindfulness:
"Practicing mindfulness helps you see things for what they are, and with that, you can have a much better handle on life. When you're mindful of others, you don't take things personally. You are able to show empathy and support, instead of taking everything personally.
"When you're mindful in life, you understand that everything happens for a reason and it's always for a greater good. There is so much peace in mindfulness."
The Role Mindfulness Has Played In Her Career:
"Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I take a moment to remember when I asked God to enlarge my territory. When I remember what I asked for, a sense of responsibility comes over me. I also find comfort in knowing that if my plate is feeling heavy, it's because He knows I can handle it."
For more of Crystal, follow her on Instagram @luvcrystalrenee.
Her Mindful Morning Routine:
"'You reap what you sow.' My mother drilled in my head growing up. This has transferred into almost every aspect of my life. I'm a Virgo, so I used to sow seeds of anxious planning and sleepless nights filled with busy work, so guess what I reaped? Days filled with anxiety and fatigue. For the past two to three years, I have made great efforts to start my day with peace and intentions of self-growth, and I have noticed a superior change in my mood and productivity level.
"I started praying twice a day. For the year of 2020, I made the new year resolution of praying once in the morning as soon as I wake up, and once at night before hitting the sack. I've noticed that I have become more grateful for the things I already have, less anxious in the morning, and more excited to start the day.
"What they say is true: When you look good, you feel good. So I stopped checking emails and rushing to take my dogs out as soon as I broke my sleep in the mornings. Taking care of yourself first in the morning is a form of self-care. Take care of your skin, do your hair, put on something cute to wear, put on your favorite perfume, and I promise you'll feel more excited to then be more productive. Your dogs and kids and those emails can wait five minutes."
"Exercise and stretching have been shown to decrease anxiety. Stretching to my favorite music, or something a little more relaxing, like classical music, and/or a quick ab workout in the morning add to my zen factor throughout the day. Release those endorphins and stress and you'll feel like a million bucks. I promise."
Setting Her Intentions:

Photo courtesy of Dr. Andrea Alexander
"For a good portion of my post-residency life, I have lived by the phrase, 'If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.' Intending to simply be mindful, is not enough. We must plan to act on it. I set daily intentions for myself. Because every new day is a chance to make another chance. Why wait a week or a month to make changes in your life? I'm a fan for setting out to better yourself daily.
"One way to accomplish daily intention-setting is asking to meet your goals and asking to be productive during morning prayer. Every time I have asked to be productive, I more often than not, have been. Ask and you shall receive. An organized and itemized to-do list also contributes to me meeting my intentions for the day. Let's face it, we all get busy, and we all forget things. Use technology to your advantage by making a to-do list on your phone, and keep it updated. You'll inevitably be carrying it around with you all day and this will be a reminder to be great and productive throughout the day.
"Speak positivity into the day as well. The tongue is powerful, and if you speak greatness and speak meeting your daily intentions and goals into existence, I promise you will."
The Role Mindfulness & Intention Have Played In Her Career:
"Listen, I don't want to brag, but there is a reason why I'm known as the doctor who stays calm during high-stress times. It's because I have taken it upon myself to implement that as above. When I was in residency, I was surrounded by a good number of negative people, some who didn't believe in me. (This feeling is inevitable as a black physician, unfortunately). It really messed with my self-confidence, and for a lack of better terms, I felt like shit. Getting into therapy after residency and practicing more self-care helped me to regain my confidence. I feel amazing now.
"Those around me trust my judgment because my decision isn't based off of a snappy emotional decision, but rather, it comes from a place of calm decision-making and self-confidence. This is why I say self-care is more than applying a face mask and lighting a scented candle. Actively going to therapy, praying, practicing gratefulness, and speaking positivity all changed my life from the inside-out. These are the most important ways to practice self-care.
"I stay present in the moment by reminding myself that I have the proper training to complete any task at hand. I also remind myself that I serve an amazing and powerful God who is capable of carrying me through even the scariest of situations."
For more of Andrea, follow her on Instagram @paging.dr.dre
Monique Doughty, BSN: RN, Self Love + Mindset Coach, Speaker, Entrepreneur

Photo courtesy of Monique Doughty
On Mindful Morning Routines:
"How we start our day drastically affects how we will feel throughout the day. Our feelings and emotions paint the picture of how we see reality, and creating positive feelings will improve the quality of your day."
"Check-in with yourself before checking in with the world. It's a natural response for us to grab our phones immediately upon waking up, check our emails, and check social media. Unfortunately, this pattern allows us to become disconnected from ourselves, our own feelings, and needs. Take a few moments to start your day, asking yourself: 'What would make today great?' Before responding or contacting anyone by phone, email, or social media, ask yourself: 'Am I open for business?' In my 6 Weeks to Self-Love Coaching program, all of my clients learn how to gracefully set boundaries with others and this starts with self-awareness of our own needs. By asking yourself, 'Am I open for business?' you are assessing yourself to know if you are ready to receive from others and to give to others.
"Honoring your own needs by sleeping a little longer, not responding to that work email just yet, or even deciding to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, improves mood, relationships, and overall wellness."
"Drink something warm! Warm water and lemon or lime in the morning jump-starts your metabolism and it makes you feel more energized. Warm drinks are nourishing and comforting. If you are into presentation, pour it up in your favorite mug and sip slowly. Talk to yourself and talk to God. If we want those we encounter to be kind to us, we must first start a kind conversation with ourselves. It takes strength to find compassion for yourself and having a higher power to trust in, will allow you to feel supported. Look yourself in the mirror and say: 'I am strong. I am loved. I am enough.'
"Be gentle with yourself. Some mornings you will fall off the routine you established, but love yourself back to your mindful practices instead of feeling guilty."
Setting Her Intentions:
"I set intentions for myself not at any particular moment or time frame but more so when I am approaching things that require great actions from me. In 2020, that can just be getting out of bed; it's been a challenging year, setting clear intentions has been my saving grace.
"Intentions are the thoughts that create the action and they really determine the outcome of a situation. Before I speak to a group of people, I set the intention to speak my truth and to spread light to others. I encourage your readers to set intentions for their relationships, workdays, and moments that they want to approach in their lives with grace."
The Role Mindfulness & Intention Have Played In Her Career:
"I redesigned my lifestyle and career to lead a more mindful life. I created freedom and flexibility. I worked as a critical-care nurse for eight years on the night shift. I did everything in my power to prepare myself for my work with critically ill people in various ICUs around the country. During my career as a nurse, I would take long periods of time off to travel and really pour into myself through spirituality and self-love practices. By allowing myself this time off, I realized that I really prefer to work remotely and the hospital was not the best place for me to help others. I now have a career that meets my lifestyle needs.
"Often, we believe that we have to fit our lives to our career, but to create a fulfilling life, we must create a career that meets our life."
For more of Monique, follow her on Instagram @iamnursemo.
Khat Brim: CEO & Co-owner of Hair AreUs, Beauty & Lifestyle Content Creator

Photo courtesy of Khat Brim
Her Mindful Morning Routine
"For me, having a mindful morning starts, number one, the night before. I like to create an intentional schedule by listing out my work commitments and my personal to-do list by its level of priority and importance. Once I know what to expect for the day ahead, I wake up with more enthusiasm and guidance to conquer the day. Second, practicing becoming an early riser is helping tremendously with my morning mindfulness. When I'm in the bed lights out before 10pm, I wake up feeling so refreshed and extremely energized, allowing me more time to enjoy a cup of tea, a morning meditation or workout and or just a few extra moments of quiet time instead of feeling so rushed out the door.
"I'm loving this practice as it's been keeping me full of gratitude and in tune with my higher purpose. It's a very soulful practice."
Setting Her Intentions:
"I try to make setting my intentions as a daily habit in everything I do. I truly feel like setting my intentions allows me to keep a clear understanding of what I intend to accomplish and feel, or how to be of service to others throughout my day-to-day life. Setting my intentions also keeps me aligned with my purpose and my reason why I'm doing what I'm doing."
Her Intention Of The Moment:
"The intentions I have for myself at the current moment is to be fully present in the now—meaning to be consciously present in the moment. Many times we are so detached to what is happening right under our noses or around us that we miss out on the present moment and seeing life's small gifts. There's so much power and enlightenment in learning this approach. I use the book, The Power of the Now by Eckhart Tolle, as a day-to-day guide for helping me find the importance of living in the present moment."
The Role Mindfulness & Intention Has Played In Her Life & Career:
"For me, practicing mindfulness in my personal life and career has honestly allowed me to have a more fluid mindset. It keeps me open to change, more calm, and an overall more peaceful person. These characteristics become very useful when life and career can become demanding. It allows me to stop myself in my tracks before becoming overwhelmed. It's almost like I can see anxiety and stress in slow motion, allowing me just enough time to be formless and adjust to its energy.
"One of my favorite quotes is by Bruce Lee: 'Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.'"
For more of Khat, follow her on Instagram @khatbrim & @hairareus.
Featured image courtesy of Monique Doughty
Originally published on November 16, 2020
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
'Constant Reassurance' Is The Relational Orange Flag No One Wants To Address
Read more than scroll. Boy, if there is a motto that I would encourage people to implement, now more than ever in their life, it would be how important it is to read (actual books, researched data and fact-based information) over merely scrolling via social media. Because boy — every time I look out on apps to see what folks are talking about, I don’t know if I’m impressed with or appalled by how many nothing-more-than-emotionalized opinions are so boldly stated when, after five minutes on Google, it’s clear that there are virtually zero facts to back them up.
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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