Recently, I watched a YouTube video that was so ridiculous (to me, anyway) that I'm not gonna even link y'all to it. The gist was it featured a woman who was going on and on about us not needing men anymore because we've got technology. When another woman refuted her point by bringing up the fact that it takes both men and women to keep humanity going, I thought about a woman in my own world who is currently so fed up with guys that she's now named her vibrator, claiming that is the only "man" she needs. Chile.
True confession here — I have never used a vibrator before. Even when I used to be a big-time masturbator, there was no electronic device that helped me along my merry way. Still, it's not like I don't get that there aren't some pluses when it comes to those who choose to have one — or seven or 10 of them. I mean, anything that can give you an orgasm can help to relieve stress. With a vibrator, you don't have to worry about getting an STI/STD (unless you're sharing it with them) or pregnant from one. And if you struggle with climaxing during intercourse, a vibrator can help you to figure out why, and/or it can deliver to you what you can't seem to (at least currently get) any other way. Check. Check. And check.
The Potential Cons Of Using a Vibrator
Still, if you read enough of my content, you already know that I'm all about balance and also making sure that you are clear on the motives behind why you do what you do. So, if you happen to be like the woman that I know who thinks that vibrators don't have a potential "downside" like just about everything else in life, I just want to take a couple of minutes to offer you some things to think about.
It Could Lead to Clitoral Discomfort
According to one study that I checked out, around 53 percent of women admitted to using a vibrator (personally, I think it's significantly higher than that). Many of them said that they used theirs at least four times a month with 71 percent of them saying that they didn't experience any side effects. Glad to hear it. Still, something to keep in mind is, that if you're using your vibrator constantly, it could lead to some level of clitoral discomfort over time. How in the world can that happen? If you're continually giving your clitoris direct stimulation, the discomfort could come from the vibration stimuli that never really lets up.
Is there a "hack" for this? One of the main things to keep in mind is that you should use lube with your vibrator (that will significantly decrease the chances of any minor "rub burns" from happening) and that you try and avoid always applying direct pressure to your clitoris with your vibrator as much as possible.
It Could Give/Spread an Infection
If you're the only one who is using your vibrator, how in the world can it give you or spread an infection throughout your body? Well, bodily fluids are just that, and if you're using your vibrator without thoroughly cleaning it after each and every use, that could cause bad bacteria to "double up" and give you some sort of infection. Or, say that you like to penetrate your vagina and your anus. Remember how we were instructed to wipe from front to back while growing up? If you're not applying this similar take on the sexual tip, you could give or spread an infection throughout your system that way too.
This is why it's so important to use a vibrator that's made of nonporous materials such as silicone or glass; that you use a washcloth, an antibacterial soap, and warm water to clean your vibrator, and that you store it in a box or pouch, so that dust and debris doesn't get onto it.
It Could Cost You a Couple of “Orgasm Phases”
You've probably heard that there are several phases/stages to having an orgasm before. Well, while some sex and wellness experts believe that there are eight of them (climax, resolution, restoration, turn-on, peaking, excitement, plateau, and stillness) most say that there are only four — desire, arousal/plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Desire is what happens when you're in the process of getting excited about getting turned on. Arousal/plateau is your body's response to sexual stimulation that helps to bring you to an orgasmic state (such as foreplay, oral sex, and intercourse). Orgasm is your climax. Resolution is what happens when your orgasm is completed, you start to come down from your "high" and satisfaction (and oftentimes fatigue) transpire.
Well, here's the thing about a vibrator. Once you get a handle on how to make it work for you, oftentimes you jump right to the orgasm while basically bypassing desire and arousal. While you might be reading this and thinking "OK…and?", the point here is you deserve to experience all stages including being turned on and the true pleasure that comes from foreplay, oral sex, etc. Besides, there are things that happen during those phases that oftentimes don't get talked about, nearly enough. This brings me to the next point.
It Could Cause You to Miss Out on Hits of Nitric Oxide and Oxytocin
A colorless gas and essential molecule that your body needs is nitric oxide. A natural hormone and chemical messenger that's in your system is oxytocin. Nitric oxide is essential because it can improve your blood pressure, decrease muscle soreness, strengthen your heart, help to manage type 2 diabetes, and keep your blood vessels nice and healthy. Oxytocin gets discussed quite a bit over this way because, not only does it help partners to bond during sex, but it also reduces stress, promotes physical healing, cultivates emotion-related memories, increases sexual arousal, and encourages sound sleep.
Thing is, when you constantly opt for a vibrator over a human being, it could cause you to skip right over the arousal phase which is how both of these things are substantially triggered. So, you could be missing out on some of the chemical and hormonal benefits that sex with an actual person is able to provide you that sex with a vibrator does not.
It Could Negatively Affect Your Communication with Your Partner
One of the challenges that I have with some of the clients that I work with is when they are mad at their husband, they decide to "take it out on their vibrator". Since all they seem to be concerned with is spiting their man (by not giving him any) and getting the stress out from being pissed, they can end up, oftentimes without even noticing it, becoming addicted to this approach. This prevents them from fully talking things through with their partner so that a healthy sexual (and emotional) connection can resume. Another challenge is when a newly-married woman has been so used to relying on her vibrator (and/or faking orgasms with her partner) gets married and realizes the responsibility that comes with marital sex (meaning, it's not just something that you should do randomly; it needs to be seen as a staple in the union), she doesn't really know how to effectively communicate with her partner what she needs in order to be (or remain) sexually fulfilled.
Yep. That's another challenge that comes to totally relying on a vibrator for sexual satisfaction — it can have you internalizing your needs while taking on the mindset, "Screw him. Where's my vibrator at?" and when you're in a serious long-term relationship…yeah, that's not good.
Patterns are patterns and vibrators can put you into one like anything else. That said, if all you're really concerned with is getting off and nothing else, once you do have sex with a human being, you could find yourself so caught up in immediate gratification that you don't know how to enjoy everything that leads up to climaxing or even all of the pleasure that can come after it (check out "Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The 'Afterplay'?"). It can have you so self-consumed and even selfish that you end up being impatient with and perhaps unrealistic about what it means to engage another individual.
As you can see, everything has a flip side to its coin. A vibrator has pros and potential cons if you're not careful. So, before you push play on Whitney Houston's "All the Man That I Need" as you get your vibrator out of its box, reflect on what I just said. A vibrator can be a source of pleasure yet it shouldn't be treated like a replacement for sex with an actual person. Because let's be real — there isn't one.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Here’s Why A Vibrator Is Part Of Toni Braxton’s Skincare Routine ›
- Your Guide To Choosing The Best Sex Toy - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert