"I don't know what I'm doing."
How often do you have that feeling? Whether it's a new project we have been given to lead or a major presentation we are expected to deliver, as women, we will find ourselves in a mini-state of panic because we feel ill-equipped for these opportunities. "Imposter Syndrome", officially identified in 1978 by two psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, is that nagging and destructive mindset of inferiority that keeps whispering:
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"You're unqualified."
"You don't deserve this success."
"You're a fraud."
This self-doubt is what keeps us from pursuing our dream jobs, advocating for ourselves, showcasing our expertise in the workplace, negotiating for the money we deserve, and even launching the businesses we are passionate about. But before we take that negative energy into 2020, here are 3 ways to kick imposter syndrome to the curb:
1.Reflect on how you got here.
Unless you have a fairy godmother who has handed you every single opportunity to date, you have had to work and earn your way through your career. You had to complete your degree, you had to wow interviewers, you had to demonstrate your knowledge and experience to be assigned your current role in the first place. When I feel imposter syndrome creeping in, I tend to ask myself the seemingly silly but honest question, "If I truly were a fraud, wouldn't someone have figured it out by NOW?"
And reflect the achievements that you have realized over the course of your career. Those didn't happen by chance. No one else put the work in and just signed your name at the bottom. You had to dig your heels in and get it done yourself. Accept the fact that you have had an active role in your success thus far, and you truly belong where you are right now.
2.Eliminate comparisons.
Part of what will keep you doubting your own abilities is the comparison with other people next to you. "Stacy is five years younger than me, and look at what she's doing. She knows way more than I do. I'll just let her lead the project instead." "Kevin just got here last month, and he's already wowing management. There's no way for me to compete with him."
STOP IT. What someone else knows has nothing to do with what you know. What someone else has done cannot diminish what you can or have already accomplished. Don't sell yourself or your expertise short because you are looking to the left and right instead of straight ahead. Never forget that you are the powerhouse that has been selected because of the results and value that only YOU can consistently deliver.
3.Use imposter syndrome to show out!
You're probably thinking "Girl whet? I thought imposter syndrome was a bad thing." Yes it is, if you allow it to simmer and hinder you. But you can actually turn that negative energy into a positive push to take your performance to the next level.
Let me tell you a quick story. When I was assigned to lead a major cross-functional project in my first finance position, I left the director's office scared to death. I honestly had no idea why she picked me, and I was pretty sure I was going to fail miserably. To be completely transparent, I was literally shaking at my desk. So I got up, went to the bathroom, and gave myself a quick pep talk, "You can either fail and prove yourself right or you can knock this project out of the park and prove yourself wrong. What's it gonna be?" Right then, I chose the latter. Fast forward to the end of the project, I saved the company $4M and I received a promotion.
It is up to you to control your mindset and where you allow it to take you. It is up to you to speak positively to yourself and make the decision right now that imposter syndrome can either limit you or empower you to be the boss chick you already know you are. So, I'm asking you the same question I asked myself 11 years ago when I took on that project: "What's it gonna be?"
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Ways To Overcome Impostor Syndrome
Self-Affirmations For When You're Feeling Inadequate
5 PhD Students Reveal How They Combat Impostor Syndrome
Rejection At Its Finest: You're Still The Ish After Constantly Being Told No
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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There's something about snuggling up in your favorite blanket and watching a comfort show or movie on Netflix, and what better time to do just that than in December? As the weather outside gets cooler, staying in becomes more of the norm. Thus, Netflix and Chill is a go-to. Luckily, Netflix has released new Black films and series on their popular streaming platform.
From Tyler Perry's historical drama The Six Triple Eight, starring Kerry Washington, to the Will Packer-produced comedy starring Marsai Martin, Regina Hall, and Issa Rae, Little, this season is looking up.
See the full list below.
Little (12/1)
Regina Hall's character is a bossy tech mogul who has everyone scared of her, including her assistant, played by Issa Rae. However, when she transforms into her younger self (Marsai Martin), she learns how to be more kind to others.
Daddy Day Care (12/1)
Eddie Murphy stars in this film as a father who decides to open a daycare after losing his job.
30 For 30 Collection (12/2)
30 For 30 is an ESPN docu-series highlighting some of sports' legendary figures and moments. Some of the episodes include Winning Time: Reggie Miller Vs. The New York Knicks and Celtics/ Lakers: The Best of Enemies.
Jamie Foxx: What Had Happened Was (12/10)
In this special, the multi-talented Jamie Foxx returns to stand-up to give an unforgettable performance.
Blood, Sweat & Heels S2 (12/13)
The short-lived Bravo reality TV series documented the lives of a group of girlfriends making it in NYC. The show starred model-turned-podcaster Melyssa Ford, author Demetria Lucas, and the late TV host Daisy Lewellyn.
The Equalizer S1-3 (12/16)
The hit CBS show starring Queen Latifah is now available on Netflix. Watch the beloved actress kick ass and take names in this popular drama.
The Six Triple Eight (12/20)
The new Tyler Perry film starring Kerry Washington is a true story about the first and only Women’s Army Corps unit of color during World War II.
Christmas Game Day Ravens Vs. Texans (12/25)
While many will tune in to watch the Baltimore Ravens vs. Houston Texans game, others will tune in to watch Beyoncé perform during halftime.
Michelle Buteau: A Buteau-ful Mind At Radio City Music Hall (12/31)
Comedian Michelle Buteau's comedy special will focus on her life with twins, going viral, and much more.
Evil S3 (12/31)
While Evil was unfortunately canceled by CBS, viewers can rewatch the series on Netflix, with season three premiering December 31st.
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