"When I think of colorism, I think of light-skinned versus dark-skinned and, being that I am a black woman, my thoughts definitely go towards my own community. I think of instances where attractiveness and perceived worthiness go hand-in-hand, just because of the shade of my complexion. I think of lighter-skinned people being automatically held at a higher value simply because they aren't dark-skinned."—Sheriden Chanel, managing editor, xoNecole
I find it pretty fascinating (and also a sign) that, as I'm sitting down to pen this, the second episode of the fourth season of Queen Sugar is on. The scene that I'm watching consists of Charley—a biracial woman—reading a passage out of her sister Nova's—a dark-skinned woman's—book.
In it, the topic of colorism comes up. Here's just a part of what Charley read back to Nova that Nova wrote about her:
"My sister. Born to privilege, raised with wealth and half-bathed in whiteness, used her light skin as her shield and her sword. Weapons, in every room she entered, every deal she made…she used her honey skin to keep her safe, all the while keeping her complicit in the continued oppression of Black bodies."
Colorism. In this case, it's not just between a light-skinned and dark-skinned woman, but also between a light-skinned woman who happens to be biracial. Bookmark that, OK? I'll be coming back to it. But first...
The Pop Culture of Colorism
Before going any deeper into this, please forgive me in advance, because colorism is something that deserves to be a docu-series and a five-day seminar and a series of TED Talks and…and…and. Yet here, there are simply not enough inches to give the topic all of the unpacking that it truly deserves; not even close. Still, with headlines like "Scottie Beam Talks Light Skin vs. Dark Skin Colorism, the Humanitarian Crisis in Sudan & More [Video]" "Mathew Knowles Talks Colorism's Role in Beyoncé's Music Career" and (sigh) "Tory Lanez Responds to Claims He Staged Video Allegedly Showing Colorism (UPDATE)" that were published, all in one week, my editor and I agreed that while this can lean towards being a "touchy subject", that doesn't mean that we shouldn't acknowledge it.
And by "acknowledge", I just mean, let Black women know that I/we see you. Light, in between light and dark, and dark-skinned alike. We know that colorism is something that shouldn't be ignored, sugar-coated or skirted around, especially within our own community. We get that although it can be uncomfortable, and even sometimes painful to explore the issues of color, it must be done. It's irresponsible not to. Full stop.
That said, I want to initially approach the traditional definition of the word from this angle. Because I am (mostly) a relationships writer, I think colorism is quite… "bold" is the word that immediately comes to mind when it comes to the dating scene; especially the celebrity dating scene. As a popular YouTube blogger by the name of Paris Milan—who regularly addresses the issue of colorism (along with other beautiful sistahs like Leah Gordone, I Am Eloho and Chrissie, who is the publisher of the magazineDivine Dark Skin)—and I were discussing her feelings about colorism, we took a moment to try and think of famous Black men who were with dark-skinned Black women. We both sat in silence for quite a while. A few came to mind (Idris Elba, Dwyane Wade, Keith Powers), but what we agreed on is that we shouldn't have had to strain our brains to come up with some. "I think there is something to be said for preference," said Paris.
Then after a pause, she continued, "I also believe that it often is a mask for colorism. It's very interesting that a lot of Black men will make sure to say that they love Black women, but we never see them with us. It's like they know that they have to cater to us in some way because we are their audience, but their words don't line up with their actions. In their personal life, women are light, biracial or white."
"To me, when your message doesn't line up with your life, that's when it crosses over into pandering. And there is certainly a lot of that. And, if you don't want to discuss it, you're deflecting."
I agree. Colorism definitely goes beyond relationships, though. Paris and I also discussed how dark-skinned characters like Pam (from Martin) and Maxine (from Living Single) may have made their shows in a lot of ways, but they were also loud and, as Paris put it, "less feminine than many of the other characters". Was that by design? Or even if you fast forward to now, many Black people don't feel like the Blackish spinoff Mixedish is must-see TV because "Blackish is already mixed", and as another Black YouTuber by the name of Masani Musa said, "Biracial people are dominating Black spaces in entertainment".
Then there's music visuals. When's the last time you saw a chocolate (a descriptive that Paris said made her feel "delectable") sistah as the romantic lead? Or even when you look at the pics from the nights when Miss USA, Miss Teen USA and Miss America won their titles, why is it that the two light-skinned women (Cheslie Kryst and Kaliegh Garris who also happen to be biracial) didn't straighten their hair, but Nia Franklin, the dark-skinned winner, did? Was that personal preference or pressure? Colorism is everywhere, y'all. And I do mean everywhere.
The "Lighter" Side of Colorism
Remember how, at the top of this piece, I asked you to "bookmark" the fact that Charley was not only light-skinned but biracial? I think her experience has its own subtle sides of colorism. Tia Mowry-Hardrict released a semi-recent video entitled "Growing Up Multiracial. It's COMPLICATED!" and, last April, actor and activist Jesse Williams (whose mother is white and father is Black) shared with Sway his thoughts on colorism. At the 26:00 mark in the interview, he speaks on the fact that he finds it to be "unnecessary" and "self-imposed complication" to complain about the challenges of being biracial, although he admits that it can be confusing to unpack.
"We live in America," Jesse expounded. "This country's racial politics are so poisonous and clear. Race doesn't exist scientifically, but it exists in real life…lived experience matters. Your personal experience matters and I'm only a product of mine. It feels like I'm almost…gonna sound insensitive, but it's a lot harder to be f—kin' Black. Do you know how easy it is to be biracial and mixed?...I imagine it is a lot more confusing to be dark-skinned. And be told that you're trash, but we also want to worship you and be like you. But we hate you. I've gotten so much in my life because I'm light, because I have light eyes. It's way easier, period."
I wonder. When Jesse speaks of the privileges that he has or how accepted it is that he feels in mainstream society, how much of that is about how "light" he is vs. how much white that is in him? Is there too an issue of colorism as it relates to light-skinned Blacks and biracial individuals? Are they automatically one in the same? Have we forgotten race-related facts like, "Not only does the one-drop rule apply to no other group than American blacks, but apparently the rule is unique in that it is found only in the United States and not in any other nation in the world"?
Do we realize the damage that this rhetoric alone has done?
My godchildren's mom, Rissi Palmer, an artist and activist, is a light-skinned Black woman, would probably not easily pass the South African hair "pencil test" (another byproduct of racism). And yet, she finds it off-the-charts offensive whenever people assume that she must be mixed or when she hears that she has "good hair".
"I'll admit that I have some PTSD from my childhood when it comes to this," shares Rissi. "But I didn't really struggle until I went to a school that had a lot of Black children in it. There is when I was told that I wasn't 'black enough'. Honestly, I think the white kids listened in and caught on to the fact that within my own ethnicity, there were issues with color. Then they started to mimic statements like 'You're not Black Black.' Do I think that dark-skinned Blacks have it much harder? Definitely. But I do think that light-skinned Blacks have been infected by whites and their constant attacks on us as a whole too. At the end of the day, they want us all to not feel like we are good enough. Skin tone and hair texture doesn't matter, so long as we hate ourselves—and each other."
Preach.
Colorism Divides. However, Talking About It Does Enlighten.
"So many of us are brainwashed by white supremacy and don't even know it," Paris states. "As a result, a lot of us project colorism, without realizing it. But here's how you can know if you've got issues with colorism. If you associate skin tones with someone being better or more attractive. If you use phrases like 'good hair' to describe a person. If you're surprised when someone with a dark complexion excels in a particular field, you have colorism issues, no doubt about it. And you know what? Gone are the days when dark-skinned people are afraid to tackle these topics head-on. We don't have to conform to any kind of standard of beauty or expectation and we're going to spread awareness to let others know that they don't have to either. Black is beautiful. That's a complete sentence."
After I got off of the phone with Paris, I put on a song by a friend of mine named Classik Levine who's an independent artist in Louisville. It's called "DSGWAB" and that stands for Dark Skin Girl with a Body. I remember when it first came out and some light-skinned women were like, "Why does he have to single out dark women?" Meanwhile, I was more like, "Where are your T-shirts, so that I can buy them for some of the chocolate women that I know?" I think I responded that way because my mother is light. My father was chocolate. My complexion is somewhere in between.
My point? We all are Black. We all deserve to be seen, honored and celebrated for being Black. Not one more than the other. Period.
Articles like "The Varying Skin Colors of Africa: Light, Dark, and All in Between" are blaring reminders that our diversity—all of the hues of Blackness—is a part of what makes us…us. Colorism blinds us to this very fact because it's designed to. That makes it a cancer. A disease. Something that works against, not for us, as a people. And yes, we must talk about it. Not deflect. Not duck and dodge. We must hit it straight on. Consistently so. How can we heal if we don't?
"I don't think colorism is talked about enough," shares Sheriden. "In fact, I've heard members of my community say that by talking about things like that, we make ourselves more divisive. I don't think acknowledgement in that regard is inherently divisive, as much as it's bringing awareness to an aspect of the community that might feel undervalued and underserved."
If you don't agree with that, you already know what I'm about to say. You, sis, have a real problem when it comes to colorism; not a little bit, but period. And there ain't nothin' good, healthy, positive or beneficial about that. Not even if you believe that you only have a so-called "one drop" of it in you.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak