

There is no denying that a new norm of inclusiveness and diversity within the beauty business has emerged over the past few years. As a result, several businesses have been making an effort to differentiate from the competition by asserting that they are the best for both customers and the environment. However, it has been shown that many are lying about their sustainability initiatives, the ingredients in their products, and the care they take in manufacturing their items.
So, to ensure you pick the clean beauty brands that are ideal for you, here are 10 Black-owned clean beauty companies that you should be aware of. That way, you can be confident that your beauty brand of choice was developed with you and your world in mind.
Skincare: hanahana beauty
For ladies who are concerned about how they treat their skin and the origins of the ingredients in their skincare products, hanahana beauty is a clean beauty line for you. Hanahana Beauty (stylized as hanahana beauty) was established by Abena Boamah-Acheampong with the intention of upending the international beauty industry, which is notorious for using substances that are oftentimes difficult to understand, to create products that are accessible, sustainable, transparent, and more humane.
This clean beauty company creates products that give women, especially women of color, a smooth and confident feeling in their own skin using raw shea butter and natural oils that are directly imported from Ghana. Over the last six years, the brand has dedicated itself to improving the economic, environmental, and self-sustainability of women who work in the Shea trade in ways that prioritize the health of our skin and the environment by using products that are clean, ethically sourced, fairly created, and never tested on animals.
Unquestionably beneficial for the body, mind, and spirit, hanahana beauty is a wellness brand worth every cent.
Top Products: Amber Vanilla Shea Body Butter, Lavender Vanilla Shea Body Butter, Shea Lip Balm, and more.
Cosmetics: Plain Jane Beauty
Everyone should have access to secure, efficient skincare and body care products, according to the founders of the eco-friendly color cosmetics business Plain Jane Beauty. With products free of synthetic fragrances, artificial colors, and dangerous preservatives, Plain Jane Beauty employs tried-and-true ingredients and fully discloses them. Why? Well, simple: the brand believes that fresh ingredients feel better and uses this belief as its brand's guiding principle.
PBJ, which takes inspiration from the vibrant colors of nature, mixes sustainability and beauty with ethical and aesthetic ideals to provide people the tools they need to look well and do well without sacrificing their feelings of well-being or attractiveness. Plain Jane Beauty is committed to making luxurious, high-performing cosmetics with nutritious, vegan-based formulae, which will inevitably make you feel appreciated and cared for.
Top Products: Creme Minerals Natural and Organic Foundation, Creme Minerals Foundation Stick, and more.
Skincare: 54 Thrones
You might recognize 54 Thrones from a Season 13 episode ofShark Tank. During the episode, founder Christina Tegbeis presented a compelling argument and fantastic branding, and after showing why they were a brand worth investing in, ultimately landed two sharks for a deal of $250K. For the past eight years, Tegbeis has partnered with passionate craftsmen who handcraft the rich components that make up the brand in an effort to showcase the beauty and authenticity of an Africa that is often overlooked. The brand 54 Thrones, which is an acronym for the 54 nations that make up Africa, collaborates with local cooperatives to develop natural cosmetics while supporting “trade over aid.”
In order to create clean yet opulent skincare products that sustainably honor the rich natural resources of Africa and the genuine beauty rituals that have been passed down from generation to generation, 54 Thrones offers award-winning African Beauty Butters, Glow Body Oil, and Moroccan Body Masks that are just right for any consumer.
Top Products: African Beauty Butters, Barrier Repair Cloud Cream, Alata Samina: Black Soap Detox Bar, and more.
Wellness and Supplements: Peak and Valley
The brand Peak and Valley was established in 2015 as a result of creator and neuroscience researcher Nadine Joseph's search for natural remedies to relieve her chronic stress. After months of looking for a remedy, Joseph finally found the botanicals she needed to maintain her skin, mental and emotional wellness. However, in the process of obtaining the proper herbs, Joseph also learned that the herbal trade wasn't as dependable as she originally believed. Like the other creators on this list, Joseph demanded to know where the materials originated from and if they were manufactured with sustainability in mind. When her questions could not be answered, she traveled worldwide to source the herbs herself. Thus, Peak and Valley was born.
Peak and Valley believe that supplement production should safeguard the well-being of all individuals who consume and produce their products. Therefore, Peak and Valley manufactures products with the intention of developing a better herbal trade, one with transparent sourcing, undeniably high-quality ingredients, and science-backed knowledge. It offers herbal supplements designed to improve sleep, reduce stress, care for the skin, and nourish the brain. As a clean wellness brand, Peak and Valley’s mission is to foster relationships directly with the growers of the herbs and the customer who consumes them.
Top Products: Restore My Sleep Adaptogen Capsules, Nourish My Brain Adaptogen Capsules, Balance My Stress Adaptogen Capsules, and more.
Hair Care: Donna's Recipe
Oh, Tabitha, Tabitha, Tabitha. I’d buy anything she’d make, especially if she mentioned it over a 30-second Instagram post, with her Southern drawl, and with little to no information provided. Why? Cause that’s my business. But just in case you want to make her business your business, too, let me explain why you should. Donna's Recipe, established by Tabitha Brown and Gina Woods and titled after Tabitha's Hair, became live in January 2021. Together, they set out with the goal of providing only pure, vegan, premium products for a reliable hair care regimen. The entire product line is made up of nutrient-rich, pure, vegan components that perform well for all hair types to create and maintain natural, healthy hair.
This product, which has only been available for two years, has been hailed for its sustainability, accessibility, and affordability in several reviews and was voted the Black-Owned Beauty Brand of the Year by Ulta Beauty. It has been credited for promoting the growth of healthier hair, hydrating the driest hair, and fortifying the weakest root systems. The mixture created by Ms. Tabitha and Woods could be just what you're looking for, especially if you're looking for a clean haircare line that at last takes your demands into consideration.
Top Products: Strength Hair Oil, Sweet Potato Pie Extra Creamy Moisturizing Shampoo, Sweet Potato Pie Extra Creamy Moisturizing Conditioner, and more.
Cosmetics: The Lip Bar
CEO Melissa Butler, a self-proclaimed Shark Tank reject, channeled her ire at the intrusive one-size-fits-all beauty industry into action by abandoning the lucrative but dreary corporate ladder and turning to her Brooklyn kitchen to make vibrant vegan lipstick. Melissa's unwavering will was further fueled by her Shark Tankrejection, which motivated her to regain control of her own aspirations. She extended The Lip Bar beyond lipstick to become TLB: a top-selling, universally useful beauty necessity. The Lip Bar is entirely vegan, cruelty-free, and made with non-toxic products for non-toxic people with a focus on sustainability.
Top Products: Nonstop Liquid Matte, Just A Tint 3-In-1 Tinted Skin Moisturizer, Fresh Glow 2-In-1 Powder Bronzer + Blush Duo, and more.
Hair Care: Melanin Haircare
Whitney White can be found on Instagram with the alias Naptural85. But you must spend some time watching her YouTube channel to properly understand where she has come from. White was one of the original content producers on YouTube who spent her time making videos that expressed her enthusiasm for natural and helpful hair products. She also shared the recipes and routines she used on her own luscious, natural hair. Years later, Whitney White and her sister Taffeta White have developed Melanin Haircare, a range of natural, non-toxic hair products. Melanin Haircare was established in 2015 with a love for providing the community it serves with high-quality products, distinctive lifestyle options, and natural, non-toxic ingredients for healthy hair and scalp care.
High-quality, all-natural, and non-toxic ingredients are the main emphasis of Melanin Haircare, which is carefully chosen to ensure shelf life and performance improvement. To ensure that they continue to be non-toxic, all of their constituents have been assessed by the Environmental Working Group (EWG) of the United States, which makes this a clean brand worth trying. For the greater part of four years, I have used this product, and I have enjoyed seeing my hair go from a dry, brittle mess to a moisturized masterpiece. This cosmetic brand has never let me down, whether my hair was soaring in its fro or loc'd like it is now.
Top Products:African Black Soap Reviving Shampoo, Multi-Use Softening Leave In Conditioner, Multi-Use Pure Oil Blend, and more.Body Care: OUI the People
Do you ever wonder: Where do all the plastic razors go? Well, it is estimated that two billion plastic razors end up in landfills every year, and the personal care industry is one of the largest waste producers. Eh, right? Right. Well, to guarantee that recycling is unavoidable, OUI the People's goal is to deliberately design the packaging for all of their products. Their single-blade razor provides a robust and environmentally friendly alternative to disposable plastic razors since it is made from stainless steel, which is the most recyclable substance on Earth.
Not only that, but several of their other goods, like their body gloss, are created with glass bottles, which are generally made from harmless basic materials and can be recycled or "upcycled." They never settle for anything less than the finest, and each product is designed with the needs of the customer in mind. Their products are devoid of the typical suspects (parabens, synthetic perfumes, phthalates, and animal testing), and their ingredients have been selected for their effectiveness. This beauty brand can be for you if you want body care that is eco-friendly and can get rid of dry skin, hyperpigmentation, hair, and landfill debris.
Top Products: Resurfacing Body Serum, Shave Starter Set, Hydrating Body Gloss, and more.
Skincare: Hyper Skin
Because Desiree Verdejo loved skincare but believed that women of color were underrepresented in the skincare industry, she founded Hyper Skin. As a result, the beauty product line Hyper Skin was created to finally include people with dark skin in conversations about beauty. Hyper Skin recognizes that real skin has texture and dark spots and uses solutions that are highly suited to their needs while still being effective on all skin tones.
The discontent with today's skincare products led to the creation of Hyper Skin formulas, a modern clinical brand with clean, efficient clinical ingredients and strong natural botanicals. With Hyper Skin, give your dark spots the boot and appreciate your new shine.
Top Products: Hyper Even Brightening Dark Spot Vitamin C Serum, Hyper Even Fade and Glow AHA Mask, and more.
Skincare: ROSEN Skincare
Jamika Martin made the decision to revolutionize the acne treatment market after having skin issues and using inferior skincare products. ROSEN Skincare, her business, creates affordable, healthy solutions that effectively treat acne. From cleansers to masks, ROSEN Skincare has a wide selection of cutting-edge and fun products to enhance your routine. In order to concentrate on the prevention and restoration of hyperpigmentation and breakouts in the acne industry, according to Rosen, their regimens use clean ingredients.
Rosen argues that traditional acne treatments have frequently disregarded the issues and skin types of people with varied skin types, and their out to ensure that doesn't happen, again.
Top Products: Earth Cleanser, Super Smoothie Cleanser, Tropics Toner, and more.
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Taysha Robinson is a writer and high school English teacher, based in metro-Atlanta. A self described philomath, you can find her reading books and articles of every genre, attending educational conferences, and hiking wherever the terrain will allow.
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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