While this might seem like a bit of a left field kind of article, please believe there is a method to the madness 'cause, y'all…Y'ALL. If there's one thing that is pretty big in Black culture (because interestingly enough, several white people I know actually needed me to break down what a godparent even is…hmph), especially in Black church culture, it's the concept of children having a set of godparents. Typically, they are formally introduced to the world (relatively speaking) when a little one is getting blessed or dedicated (or christened) to the Lord.
Over the course of my life, I have witnessed a lot of people become godparents. Shoot, I've even had two sets of my own…who were disappointing as all get out. Matter of fact, the wife of the second pair, after not reaching out in years, flew into Nashville, asked to meet for lunch and then proceeded to tell me that she was an inactive godmother because my mom basically made her feel intimidated into accepting the position. What in the world? And I'm saying that to her and my mother (and not necessarily in that order).
And here's the thing — unfortunately, my story isn't a rare one. I know countless people who have godparents "on paper" and yet those people haven't been a part of their lives (especially in any real or consistent way) since…shoot, they can't remember when. And if there's something that all of them have in common, it's the fact that their godparents being MIA on their commitment has ultimately affected their trust of older adults while making them mad leery about ever agreeing to become a godparent themselves. Yep. It can be just that deep.
So, while an article like this may only target a very niche group, for the sake of current and future children who absolutely deserve to have more than godparents in name (along with a picture day at church) only, let's touch on some things that you definitely should think — meditate and pray — long and hard about before ever agreeing to such a privileged and lifelong position like godparenting.
Be Clear on What the Position Entails
Y'all, I actually know a couple who has 15 godchildren (I know, right?). Even they admit that they have dropped the ball on more than half of them. I mean, really — if you know what comes with being a godparent, there is no way that you can handle that many kids. And just what does it mean to be a godparent? The two main responsibilities include 1) being present when the child is dedicated to the Lord as a way of saying that you are willing to play a pivotal and significant role in their spiritual growth and development and 2) assuming the role of taking care of the children should their parents pass on or be unable to maintain their own roles for some reason. And y'all, both of these things are HUGE.
In fact, I know some people who have been asked to be a godparent and they've turned the offer down, not because of the first expectation but the second — they simply don't want to accept the huge responsibility of raising children if something dire were to happen to those kids' parents. However, as a godmother myself, while some folks think that is an automatic responsibility, before I accepted the position, I discussed that part with my godchildren's mom, for a while. She and her husband's will states that her brother would get custody of my goddaughters should something happen to them. It also states that I am the godmother and so provisions should be made for me to remain in their life — long-term.
Now I will say that as more and more people are opting out of traditional religious practices, there is a role of a modern-day godparent that basically consists of committing to being a good role model for children while also serving as an additional loved one in their life (especially if their parents don't have a lot of blood family or they aren't close to them). All of this to say, if you've always been familiar with the term "godparent" yet you were never really sure what it consisted of, while it tends to take on various forms for some folks, that's basically the gist.
Discuss with the Parents What Their Expectations of a Godparent Are
Can you imagine how many relationships would remain intact if folks simply, openly and honestly discussed their expectations before moving forward rather than assuming that 1) the other person should already know them and/or 2) the other person is automatically going to be on the same page as they are?
When it comes to becoming a godparent, this point definitely applies which is why, before accepting, you should ask the parents what they would like you to do in their child's life and, if need be, how often/consistently they would like you to do those things.
As for me and my goddaughters, their parents just wanted me to be constantly present to the point where both girls would know who I am and feel comfortable coming to talk to me about various topics throughout various stages of their life. My goddaughters' parents also trust my opinion when it comes to them making certain decisions that directly affect their girls. Honestly, when it came to Grace (who is 10), I had so much PTSD from my own poor godparent experience that it took me a bit longer to be physically present in the sense of proactively going to see her (although we talked on the phone all of the time and her family would come to Nashville fairly often for business).
However, with her sister, Nova (who is currently 2), I've been putting forth more effort into spending quality time with both girls in their own space, energy and environment. Their parents don't expect more from me than that; however, they do expect that much. I am clear on that and have been intentional about staying active in these capacities.
Figure Out If Godchildren Will Complement Your Lifestyle/Schedule
When my godchildren's mom first asked me to be her firstborn's godparent, believe it or not, it took me an entire year to agree to do it. While that might seem really ungracious on the surface, again, because I had been burned by so-called godparents as a child and because my godchildren's mom is actually named after her own godmother (which means she takes the role really seriously), I needed to make sure that I wouldn't disappoint anyone like I had been disappointed by others. That included really processing if my lifestyle and schedule were conducive to such a position because, to me, godparenting isn't just about sending a birthday card and calling a couple of times a year.
My godchildren actually hear from me 2-3 times a week, the older one and I try and have an online movie date once a month (when we can't, it's due to her busy schedule) and I'm actually flying out to see them before this month is out. I know that there will be graduations that I need to be present for. That I need to take interest in my goddaughters' gifts, talents and interests. And that someday, there will be weddings and baby blessings of their own that I need to do everything my power to attend.
While being a godparent isn't even a fraction of as mentally, emotionally or financially taxing as being a parent is, it does come with some sacrifices of time and resources (again, if you're taking the role seriously enough). That's why I don't knock it at all if people are asked and humbly decline because they just aren't sure if they can be that present for someone else's kids. Sometimes, being a godparent is too much and being a "love aunt" or uncle (that's my way of calling someone who isn't a blood relative a family member) is easier. Understood.
Know That Being a Godparent Is a Lifelong Commitment
I actually have another goddaughter. She's a teenager now and that is mind-blowing to even fathom. We don't have a relationship because her mother and I parted ways years ago. However, a couple of years ago, when I ran into her mom and we made our own peace, I told her that I intended on putting her daughter on a life insurance policy — that I wanted to do it for all three of my goddaughters at some point (life insurance companies have advised that I wait until around my mid-late 50s to entertain doing that since they are technically not my children; according to them, I shouldn't "burden myself" with that financial obligation right now. Noted). That mom and my other goddaughters' parents thought that was going above and beyond. Maybe. To me, though, since I don't have my own children, I want to make sure that my goddaughters have some extra support in living out their best life.
Besides. GOD-parent. I don't think most folks get the magnitude of that word. I mean, even parents don't have "GOD" in front of their title. I don't know about y'all, but I know the way that God loves me — continually and in spite of whatever I do or don't do. When you sign up to be someone's godparent, you should look at your commitment to them in a similar fashion. It's not to be an emotional (which can be fickle) or unspiritual (which can be selfish) move. Godly love should always be seen as healthy, somewhat sacrificial and everlasting. As long as my goddaughters are here and I am here to see them evolve, I will be available to them. That is what I signed up for.
Don’t Agree Just Because It Strokes Your Ego
I remember once talking to a friend before the birth of his son. He was telling me that although (at the time), he had only daughters, he did have a godson who he wasn't proactive with when it came to interacting with him. Last I checked, that child is now a grown man and incarcerated (due to a myriad of broken issues). Is that my friend's fault? Absolutely not. At the same time, when he stood up and said that he would be that guy's godparent, there's no telling how much his active influence could've played a direct role in that man's life possibly taking a different path.
Do I know some great godparents? Indeed, I do. I've gotta admit, though, when it comes to the tales of those who admit that they have not stepped up to the plate past maybe a year or so of agreeing to be someone's godparent, those names are endless. And that's got me honestly wondering how many people agree to do it only for the ego stroke of being asked without really taking into account how serious the position actually is.
You know, one of my favorite lines in the movieThe Fault in Our Stars is when one of the characters said, "Sometimes, people don't understand the promises that they make when they make them." Preach. That said, there's a Scripture in the Bible that I fear a lot of us don't take very seriously but we definitely should:
"Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few. For a dream comes through much activity, and a fool's voice is known by his many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—better not to vow than to vow and not pay." (Ecclesiastes 5:2-5-NKJV)
When you vow to be a godparent — to passionately care about a child's spiritual needs and well-being while also supporting their parents as they develop — because it is such a solid spiritual position, I believe that God takes it very seriously and literally. That's why, if you agree to be one, while it is indeed an honor, it also requires a ton of grace, humility and consistency.
I know. This is a lot to think about yet if you're currently on the fence about either becoming a godparent or asking someone else to be one for your own kids, it's my prayer that all of this shed some additional light. A godparent isn't just a pat on the back. It's a huge responsibility. For the sake of the children who you may influence at this magnitude…please choose wisely.
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“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
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Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak