
Chase Nothing, Sis: Why The Things You Want In Life Don’t Require A Chase

Sometimes, I really do wonder what communication would be like if folks didn’t just use words but really thought about their meaning beforehand. For instance, I’ve shared before that I’ve never (ever) been fond of folks (and it’s oftentimes church folks, at that) who say that “men are hunters” (check out “6 Things Church Taught You About Dating That Weren't (Fully) Biblical”). To me, there is nothing compelling, appealing, or even comforting about thinking that men like to track women down like they’re a deer in the forest or something. Besides, women are to be seen as gifts from the Lord, not acquisitions. I’ll pass.
Another saying that irks me? All variations of “You have to chase after what you want.” Listen, just because something is popular, that doesn’t always or automatically make it right. To chase something (or someone) is “to pursue in order to seize, overtake, etc.,” “to pursue with intent to capture or kill, as game; hunt,” “to drive or expel by force, threat, or harassment,” and “to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.” — and honestly, most of the best things that have ever happened to me, I never had to chase…and, after I break down where I’m coming from on all of this, I think you just may come to a similar resolve yourself.
Are you ready to accept that you don’t have to “chase” in life as much as you may think? Let’s do this.
Your Purpose
No exaggeration, it’s got to be at least 2-5 times a month when I find myself wishing that Dr. Myles Munroe was still with us. And honestly, I can’t believe that this fall marks 10 years since he, his wife, and several others died in a plane crash. Since I am a marriage life coach, I really enjoy a lot of his takes on marriage (check out some of his videos on YouTube sometime; if you’re single, start here); however, what initially put me onto him was his passion when it came to helping people to discover their purpose.
In fact, it used to be that, whenever I would describe him to other people, I would say that his purpose is to help people to discover their purpose. And what an honor that is being that all of us were literally created and are currently existing because we have a special and specific purpose to manifest.
Now, what I don’t think I was prepared for is how much I would find my own self writing on the topic of purpose. Take this platform, for example, and the several times that I’ve addressed it, one way or another: “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose,” “Still Don't Know Your Purpose? Answer These 7 Questions.,” “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” and “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'.”
I think what makes me so…unexpectedly passionate about it is that I know the sense of peace, wholeness, and real joy that comes with knowing what your purpose is. I think I also pen on the subject because I’m also aware that, reportedly, only 25 percent of people in this country think that they know what makes their lives meaningful (yeah, that low of a count is absolutely not good) — and there is no way that you can come to that conclusion without having a real sense of purpose.
Otherwise, even if you love your partner, your kids, your other loved ones, your job, your place of worship, and whatever else, there will still be an emptiness inside of you. Why? Because, before all of that, you were given a purpose (bookmark the word “given” because I will come back to that) — and THAT should be your top priority, under God, above all else (and I do mean ALL else).
That’s a part of the reason why I dig (so much) that Hebrew and African cultures (which, if you pay attention to the Bible, are one and the same on a lot of levels…some of y’all will catch that later) are big on not just naming children something that sounds cute; they believe that your name should speak to your purpose in life — and that when someone says your name, they are declaring your purpose in real-time.
My name? It’s Hebrew. Sheli literally means “mine” and “Mine; Belonging to Me.” It’s a bit of a long story, yet it basically speaks to being in covenant with God. And my purpose? It’s very covenant-driven when it comes to the topics of marriage, sex, and the (biblical) Sabbath. I talk about all three as if they are a literal part of my being — like air and water. It’s kinda wild. And you know what? I didn’t have to go chasing after my purpose. Nope, I was born with it — it was given to me. And no, I’m not exceptional here. You were born with a purpose, too. Not one bit of chasing is required.
The challenge is that it can be very easy to minimize the extreme importance of knowing why you are living on this planet at this very time or to get distracted and not prioritize figuring your purpose out. When that happens, you can end up chasing all kinds of stuff…because you’re not fully in “life alignment.” And just what do I mean by that? When people ask me how I ended up doing what I do for a living, something that I can honestly say is that I CHASED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it.
My writing gigs didn’t require a ton of effort. My book deals actually came to me. When I toured with the porn and sex addiction organization, we found each other because we shared the same publisher. When I was a teen mom director, a boyfriend’s mom at the time was on the board of the non-profit and she referred me. I used to be a house poet along with a writer who got me my column gig at a paper here. I’ve had example after example.
Even from my very beginning, my mom is who gave me my name, and she said that, as a toddler, my favorite toy was shaking newspaper, so she knew that I was a writer — and here I am. Even on this platform, I write about marriage and sex quite a bit, and I’m even able to throw in the Sabbath from time to time. Because I know what my purpose is, I make decisions that align with it, and although that has required gifts, talents, skill, and patience at times…THERE HAS BEEN NO CHASING, THOUGH.
To tell you the truth, it kind of reminds me of the author Paulo Coelho's quote: “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” — and y’all, when you want to fulfill the reason why you exist in the first place…no chasing has to happen. Remain laser-focused, hella self-disciplined, and confident, and the universe will indeed have your back.
So, if you feel like you are doing a lot of “chasing,” especially in the professional realm, do some real soul-searching to make sure that you are operating/functioning within your purpose. Because having a good job and thriving in your purpose are not automatically one and the same. The first, you may have to chase. The second? It’s already in you — and when you commit to the latter, you’ll be amazed how well it tends to…commit right back with doors that will open in a way that only your purpose can make happen for you.
Your Dreams
Napoleon Hill once said, “Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.” Anais Nin once said, “Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” Katori Hall once said, “Follow your intuition, listen to your dreams, your inner voice to guide you.” Andy Ruiz, Jr. once said, “As long as you pray and believe in your dreams, anything is possible.” Vin Diesel once said, “It's insecurity that is always chasing you and standing in the way of your dreams.”
If you pay really close attention, there is something that all of these quotes have in common — they pretty much speak to your dreams already being a part of you. Oh, and did you also peep that Vin Diesel said that it’s not your dreams that you have to chase…although your insecurities will seek to seize, capture, threaten...chase you down so that your dreams will not come true? Interesting.
Okay, so dreams. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m someone who dreams on a nightly basis. I’m also someone who remembers most of my dreams. Yet what actually are dreams? Although kind of like the common cold not having a cure, science is still trying to figure out what dreaming is all about (yep, even after all of this time). What it knows for sure is dreams are a series of images, thoughts, or feelings that occur when we’re asleep, that our most intense dreams happen when we’re in REM sleep, that they are involuntary, typically happen in first-person and waking life oftentimes are a part of our dreams.
Why do we dream? Some researchers say that dreaming helps us to organize our thoughts and process certain emotions (especially ones that we may be suppressing while we’re awake) while others say that it’s a way for us to “replay” something that transpired so that we can process it differently.
Whatever the case may be, the one thing that we know for sure is you don’t have to chase your dreams; they come to you when you’re asleep.
Well, when it comes to the dreams that you have for your (waking) life, if you really stop to think about it, those tend to “come to you” too. As one author explained in a post on her site, when you’re clear about what your roots and values are, and then you factor in the experiences that have made you who you are, the ambitions that are birthed out of that, they tend to be your dreams — your vision for your life.
Now that you know this, journal about your roots, values, and experiences. Next, think about what your dreams, your vision, and your goals are as a direct result of those three things. Did you really have to “chase” anything to have those dreams? Or did they mostly arrive as a natural result — a next step in the evolutionary process?
Now, do you see why I don’t believe that you have to chase your dreams either? The ones that happen when you’re awake and asleep tend to come to you — just like you were born with your purpose. While we’re here, as I touched on a bit earlier, your insecurities would like to try to hunt you down IN THE HOPES of keeping you from your dreams. Yet isn’t it interesting that if they are chasing after you…that must mean that you are running away from them? Hmm…(some of y’all will catch that later).
Everything Else
So, if you are born with your purpose (no need to chase it) and your dreams come to you (no need to chase them) — why in the world would you need to chase after anything or anyone else?
Although it took me many years to have this ah-ha moment in my own life, hear me when I say that when you are in your purpose and you are focused on developing your dreams (which is absolutely not the same thing as chasing after them), for one thing, you don’t have a lot of time left over to chase after anything or anybody. Bigger than even that, though, when you are in your purpose and focused on your dreams, you tend to be drawn to the people, places, things, and ideas that will COMPLEMENT your purpose and your dreams.
You start to realize that who and what “fits” like a puzzle piece in the overall picture of your life — they almost effortlessly do just that. You don’t have to beg, hunt, convince, hound — CHASE. What will help you to manifest your purpose, what will help you to reach your dreams, “it” will, as they say, “understand the assignment” and be just fine with it.
Okay, so am I saying that no effort on your part will be required? C’mon now. There is a lot of space in between chasing and being flat-out lazy. Yes, you will have to put in some work….sometimes hard work. However, that’s still not the same thing as chasing, though. And honestly, even the tamer definition of chase that I mentioned earlier? You know, “to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.”?
Listen, I’ve never had to devote my time, effort, and energy in THE HOPES that my purpose and dreams will come to fruition. Now, there may be a few instances where the doors didn’t open; however, isn’t that the same thing as something not being a good complement for you — whether it’s during a particular time or season…or…EVER?
Because sis, just as sure as I am typing all of this out, I can tell you that if something (or someone) is going to help you to take your purpose and dreams to the next level in a way that will not cause you to compromise who you are and/or who you are meant to become (that is key right there), no chasing is needed and even the work that will be required — it’ll be more like maintenance not toiling.
And this — all of this — is why this article has the title that it does. No, I do not believe that the things and people who matter most in your life, you’ve got to chase after them…because if you’re chasing something (or one), either it doesn’t want to be caught, or you’re moving in the wrong season and, as a wise person once said, the right thing at the wrong time is STILL the wrong thing. And if that’s the case, you are “wasting the chase” anyway.
Y’all, as I close this out, another wise person once said, “Never chase. Be confident. Then attract. That’s it.” Oh, how these are words to live by because what and who is meant for you, they will be drawn to you. No need for you to be chasing. It sees you and honors you — and will get in line…accordingly.
I am certainly a living testament of that.
CHASE NOTHING, SIS. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED.
Besides, if you’re chasing, you might miss out on what you’re actually attracting.
(Yeah, some of y’all will catch that later too.)
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Sean Anthony Eddy/Getty Images
- Feminine Energy: What You Need To Know & How To Own It ›
- How To Focus Less On Who You Attract In Dating & More On Who You Entertain ›
- How To Manifest Your Dream Life Using Astrology - xoNecole ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Sanja Radin/Getty Images