Sometimes, I really do wonder what communication would be like if folks didn’t just use words but really thought about their meaning beforehand. For instance, I’ve shared before that I’ve never (ever) been fond of folks (and it’s oftentimes church folks, at that) who say that “men are hunters” (check out “6 Things Church Taught You About Dating That Weren't (Fully) Biblical”). To me, there is nothing compelling, appealing, or even comforting about thinking that men like to track women down like they’re a deer in the forest or something. Besides, women are to be seen as gifts from the Lord, not acquisitions. I’ll pass.
Another saying that irks me? All variations of “You have to chase after what you want.” Listen, just because something is popular, that doesn’t always or automatically make it right. To chase something (or someone) is “to pursue in order to seize, overtake, etc.,” “to pursue with intent to capture or kill, as game; hunt,” “to drive or expel by force, threat, or harassment,” and “to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.” — and honestly, most of the best things that have ever happened to me, I never had to chase…and, after I break down where I’m coming from on all of this, I think you just may come to a similar resolve yourself.
Are you ready to accept that you don’t have to “chase” in life as much as you may think? Let’s do this.
Your Purpose
GiphyNo exaggeration, it’s got to be at least 2-5 times a month when I find myself wishing that Dr. Myles Munroe was still with us. And honestly, I can’t believe that this fall marks 10 years since he, his wife, and several others died in a plane crash. Since I am a marriage life coach, I really enjoy a lot of his takes on marriage (check out some of his videos on YouTube sometime; if you’re single, start here); however, what initially put me onto him was his passion when it came to helping people to discover their purpose.
In fact, it used to be that, whenever I would describe him to other people, I would say that his purpose is to help people to discover their purpose. And what an honor that is being that all of us were literally created and are currently existing because we have a special and specific purpose to manifest.
Now, what I don’t think I was prepared for is how much I would find my own self writing on the topic of purpose. Take this platform, for example, and the several times that I’ve addressed it, one way or another: “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose,” “Still Don't Know Your Purpose? Answer These 7 Questions.,” “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” and “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'.”
I think what makes me so…unexpectedly passionate about it is that I know the sense of peace, wholeness, and real joy that comes with knowing what your purpose is. I think I also pen on the subject because I’m also aware that, reportedly, only 25 percent of people in this country think that they know what makes their lives meaningful (yeah, that low of a count is absolutely not good) — and there is no way that you can come to that conclusion without having a real sense of purpose.
Otherwise, even if you love your partner, your kids, your other loved ones, your job, your place of worship, and whatever else, there will still be an emptiness inside of you. Why? Because, before all of that, you were given a purpose (bookmark the word “given” because I will come back to that) — and THAT should be your top priority, under God, above all else (and I do mean ALL else).
That’s a part of the reason why I dig (so much) that Hebrew and African cultures (which, if you pay attention to the Bible, are one and the same on a lot of levels…some of y’all will catch that later) are big on not just naming children something that sounds cute; they believe that your name should speak to your purpose in life — and that when someone says your name, they are declaring your purpose in real-time.
My name? It’s Hebrew. Sheli literally means “mine” and “Mine; Belonging to Me.” It’s a bit of a long story, yet it basically speaks to being in covenant with God. And my purpose? It’s very covenant-driven when it comes to the topics of marriage, sex, and the (biblical) Sabbath. I talk about all three as if they are a literal part of my being — like air and water. It’s kinda wild. And you know what? I didn’t have to go chasing after my purpose. Nope, I was born with it — it was given to me. And no, I’m not exceptional here. You were born with a purpose, too. Not one bit of chasing is required.
The challenge is that it can be very easy to minimize the extreme importance of knowing why you are living on this planet at this very time or to get distracted and not prioritize figuring your purpose out. When that happens, you can end up chasing all kinds of stuff…because you’re not fully in “life alignment.” And just what do I mean by that? When people ask me how I ended up doing what I do for a living, something that I can honestly say is that I CHASED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it.
My writing gigs didn’t require a ton of effort. My book deals actually came to me. When I toured with the porn and sex addiction organization, we found each other because we shared the same publisher. When I was a teen mom director, a boyfriend’s mom at the time was on the board of the non-profit and she referred me. I used to be a house poet along with a writer who got me my column gig at a paper here. I’ve had example after example.
Even from my very beginning, my mom is who gave me my name, and she said that, as a toddler, my favorite toy was shaking newspaper, so she knew that I was a writer — and here I am. Even on this platform, I write about marriage and sex quite a bit, and I’m even able to throw in the Sabbath from time to time. Because I know what my purpose is, I make decisions that align with it, and although that has required gifts, talents, skill, and patience at times…THERE HAS BEEN NO CHASING, THOUGH.
To tell you the truth, it kind of reminds me of the author Paulo Coelho's quote: “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” — and y’all, when you want to fulfill the reason why you exist in the first place…no chasing has to happen. Remain laser-focused, hella self-disciplined, and confident, and the universe will indeed have your back.
So, if you feel like you are doing a lot of “chasing,” especially in the professional realm, do some real soul-searching to make sure that you are operating/functioning within your purpose. Because having a good job and thriving in your purpose are not automatically one and the same. The first, you may have to chase. The second? It’s already in you — and when you commit to the latter, you’ll be amazed how well it tends to…commit right back with doors that will open in a way that only your purpose can make happen for you.
Your Dreams
GiphyNapoleon Hill once said, “Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.” Anais Nin once said, “Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” Katori Hall once said, “Follow your intuition, listen to your dreams, your inner voice to guide you.” Andy Ruiz, Jr. once said, “As long as you pray and believe in your dreams, anything is possible.” Vin Diesel once said, “It's insecurity that is always chasing you and standing in the way of your dreams.”
If you pay really close attention, there is something that all of these quotes have in common — they pretty much speak to your dreams already being a part of you. Oh, and did you also peep that Vin Diesel said that it’s not your dreams that you have to chase…although your insecurities will seek to seize, capture, threaten...chase you down so that your dreams will not come true? Interesting.
Okay, so dreams. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m someone who dreams on a nightly basis. I’m also someone who remembers most of my dreams. Yet what actually are dreams? Although kind of like the common cold not having a cure, science is still trying to figure out what dreaming is all about (yep, even after all of this time). What it knows for sure is dreams are a series of images, thoughts, or feelings that occur when we’re asleep, that our most intense dreams happen when we’re in REM sleep, that they are involuntary, typically happen in first-person and waking life oftentimes are a part of our dreams.
Why do we dream? Some researchers say that dreaming helps us to organize our thoughts and process certain emotions (especially ones that we may be suppressing while we’re awake) while others say that it’s a way for us to “replay” something that transpired so that we can process it differently.
Whatever the case may be, the one thing that we know for sure is you don’t have to chase your dreams; they come to you when you’re asleep.
Well, when it comes to the dreams that you have for your (waking) life, if you really stop to think about it, those tend to “come to you” too. As one author explained in a post on her site, when you’re clear about what your roots and values are, and then you factor in the experiences that have made you who you are, the ambitions that are birthed out of that, they tend to be your dreams — your vision for your life.
Now that you know this, journal about your roots, values, and experiences. Next, think about what your dreams, your vision, and your goals are as a direct result of those three things. Did you really have to “chase” anything to have those dreams? Or did they mostly arrive as a natural result — a next step in the evolutionary process?
Now, do you see why I don’t believe that you have to chase your dreams either? The ones that happen when you’re awake and asleep tend to come to you — just like you were born with your purpose. While we’re here, as I touched on a bit earlier, your insecurities would like to try to hunt you down IN THE HOPES of keeping you from your dreams. Yet isn’t it interesting that if they are chasing after you…that must mean that you are running away from them? Hmm…(some of y’all will catch that later).
Everything Else
GiphySo, if you are born with your purpose (no need to chase it) and your dreams come to you (no need to chase them) — why in the world would you need to chase after anything or anyone else?
Although it took me many years to have this ah-ha moment in my own life, hear me when I say that when you are in your purpose and you are focused on developing your dreams (which is absolutely not the same thing as chasing after them), for one thing, you don’t have a lot of time left over to chase after anything or anybody. Bigger than even that, though, when you are in your purpose and focused on your dreams, you tend to be drawn to the people, places, things, and ideas that will COMPLEMENT your purpose and your dreams.
You start to realize that who and what “fits” like a puzzle piece in the overall picture of your life — they almost effortlessly do just that. You don’t have to beg, hunt, convince, hound — CHASE. What will help you to manifest your purpose, what will help you to reach your dreams, “it” will, as they say, “understand the assignment” and be just fine with it.
Okay, so am I saying that no effort on your part will be required? C’mon now. There is a lot of space in between chasing and being flat-out lazy. Yes, you will have to put in some work….sometimes hard work. However, that’s still not the same thing as chasing, though. And honestly, even the tamer definition of chase that I mentioned earlier? You know, “to follow or devote one's attention to with the hope of attracting, winning, gaining, etc.”?
Listen, I’ve never had to devote my time, effort, and energy in THE HOPES that my purpose and dreams will come to fruition. Now, there may be a few instances where the doors didn’t open; however, isn’t that the same thing as something not being a good complement for you — whether it’s during a particular time or season…or…EVER?
Because sis, just as sure as I am typing all of this out, I can tell you that if something (or someone) is going to help you to take your purpose and dreams to the next level in a way that will not cause you to compromise who you are and/or who you are meant to become (that is key right there), no chasing is needed and even the work that will be required — it’ll be more like maintenance not toiling.
And this — all of this — is why this article has the title that it does. No, I do not believe that the things and people who matter most in your life, you’ve got to chase after them…because if you’re chasing something (or one), either it doesn’t want to be caught, or you’re moving in the wrong season and, as a wise person once said, the right thing at the wrong time is STILL the wrong thing. And if that’s the case, you are “wasting the chase” anyway.
Y’all, as I close this out, another wise person once said, “Never chase. Be confident. Then attract. That’s it.” Oh, how these are words to live by because what and who is meant for you, they will be drawn to you. No need for you to be chasing. It sees you and honors you — and will get in line…accordingly.
I am certainly a living testament of that.
CHASE NOTHING, SIS. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED.
Besides, if you’re chasing, you might miss out on what you’re actually attracting.
(Yeah, some of y’all will catch that later too.)
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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