This. Right. Here. Whenever I even think about tackling this kind of topic, the first thing that I think about are all of the porn addicts I've encountered. What does porn have to do with weddings or marriage? Well, contrary to popular assumption, porn isn't just sexual. Porn is about being caught up in anything to the point where you basically obsess over it. And chile, I have definitely met my fair share of wedding and I-want-a-husband-although-I-don't-have-a-clue-why marriage porn addicts.
Just as with any kind of excessive desire, if you're more interested in preparing for one day (a wedding) than your entire life (a marriage), after the festivities are over and your big white dress is put away, you could wake up one day and wonder what the heck you signed up for (I'm not exaggerating either; I know some married couples who wanted to call it quits right after their honeymoon).
How can you know if this is the path that you're on? If you are totally into having a wedding, but you haven't given actually being married much thought? Read on.
A Wedding Planner Is in the Budget. A Marriage Counselor Is Not.
It's no secret that I'm a marriage life coach. To tell you the truth, a part of the reason why I'm still single is because of that. It's not that working with troubled couples has jaded me; what it has done is made me so much more realistic about what a marital union requires.
You know what else being a marriage life coach has done? Made me very firm in the fact that if two people want to have a leg up on a successful marriage, they need to get into some serious—meaning more than three one-hour sessions—premarital counseling. Don't just take my word for it. There are countless studies to support that couples who went to premarital counseling had a 30 percent higher success rate than those who didn't.
I can't tell you how many married couples I've dealt with who somehow found the money for a top-notch wedding planner but claimed they didn't have the resources or the time for premarital counseling. Take heed, y'all. If you're more interested in one day of your life going off without a hitch than getting the tools that you need so that your marriage won't crash and burn, your priorities are out of order. Totally so.
You’ve Read More Fairy Tales than Relationship Books
Living for the fairy tale. There aren't too many phrases that irk me more. By definition, fairy tales are stories told to children. They are also tales that are totally misleading (look the definition up sometime).
Why should any grown woman be living for a childish lie?
A whole lot of ladies are PISSED in their marriage because they spent more time fantasizing that they were Cinderella and their husband was going to be Prince Charming. One problem with that is the story is make-believe. Another is you have absolutely no idea what happened after "…and they lived happily ever after."
You'd do your marriage a far better service if you kept your head out of fairy tales (and rom-coms) and got into some relationship books instead. Off the top of my head, His Needs, Her Needs (Willard F. Harley, Jr.), Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage (Tim Alan Gardner), Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud/Townsend), The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married(Dr. Guy Grenier), Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married (Dr. Gary Chapman) and Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? (Gary Thomas) are some good reality check ones.
Your Dream Wedding Plans Have NOTHING to Do with the Groom
Even if you don't want to admit it to your friends, I'm pretty sure you've seen at least one episode of WE tv's Bridezillas before. If there's a signature liner that comes from almost every bride-to-be on theirs mouth is "It's MY day!" Unfortunately, there's an epidemic of women who feel like even though a wedding ceremony is about two people joining their lives together, the wedding décor and festivities should only get their vote. That's simply not true.
Here's the exception to what I just said—If you happen to end up with a man who says out of his own mouth that he couldn't care less about the color scheme, food and music, then do you, girl. But if when you think about your dream wedding, the only role that the groom plays is "insert man here", that's not only a flag that you're probably more into your wedding than you're marriage, but you have a high propensity for thinking he shouldn't have much of a voice following your nuptials too.
This brings me to my next point.
You Know What Makes You a Great Bride, Not What Makes You a Good Wife
If someone were to ask me about one of the biggest mistakes that I see women make in their marriage, it's not accepting the fact that they are a bride for a day. After that, they are a wife. Ask any wife who takes her marriage seriously and she'll tell you that being a good wife (just like being a good husband) requires a lot of dedication, faith and consistency. In fact, one of my running statements is "Marriage requires so much that women deserve an entire day-long party!"
If when you think about getting married, all that really comes to mind is how beautiful you want to be on your wedding day, how everyone should be at your beck and call and nothing more…yeah, do some pondering about that. A bride and a virgin have a lot in common in the sense that it only takes a few moments for that "status" to change over into something else.
After a day of being a bride…then what?
You’re More Interested in Having a Perfect Day Than a Healthy Relationship
I like wedding videos just as much as the next gal (one of my favorites continues to be the young man who planned his wife's entire wedding without her knowledge; watch it here). At the same time, while checking out a clip of Steve Harvey interviewing some married couples recently, there are two things that stood out to me.
One husband said, "A lot of people say, 'I do' but what they really mean is 'I'll try'." (Indeed. Just think of how many people would not get married if getting a divorce was against the law. So many say "I do" with an escape clause in mind.) Another husband said, "The truth of the matter is, everyone you're attracted to, you're not compatible with. You might be attracted to the way that they look, but that doesn't mean you can live with them." Right again. Far too many people don't give their spouse too much thought beyond who would be a great sex partner and will look awesome in their wedding photos. Not good. Not good at all.
This Entire Article Totally Offended You
Have you ever visited a church for the first time, heard a sermon and then got offended because you felt like the pastor was totally calling you out, even though he didn't even know you? Along those same lines, if you read all of this and you're low key pissed, remember that I can't see who's on the other side of my computer screen. So, if it bothered you, maybe there's some merit to it.
At the end of the day, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong about dreaming about having a perfect wedding. All I'm saying is there's a ton of folks who had a beautiful wedding day but, because they didn't give life after their honeymoon much thought, they are now divorced.
It would be a shame to have a flawless wedding followed by a doomed marriage, so please make it a point to invest in both. I'd say about 70/30 split (in favor of your marriage) would be wise.
If you're tempted to give me push back on this, read the article all over again, please.
Featured image by Getty Images
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The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Geeze. Even as I’m typing this out, I’m embarrassed to admit that I have seen even more than one episode. What got me to check it out initially was hearing so many people talk about the Michael, Meagan, and Sarah nonsense from several years back. And you know what? I don’t care if it was way back then or when I will watch a few minutes while channel surfing now, if there’s one thing that I’m always saying (sometimes even out loud) is I get why a lot of people “fall” for inmates: when individuals are in a controlled environment, you can constantly account for their time, you can get most of their attention — they are willing to say and do almost whatever you wish.
And for a control freak, that is a relational wet dream. Unfortunately, then, once the inmate is released, they go from dealing with correctional officers in jail (or prison) to relationship wardens. What I mean by that is, instead of them being closely monitored while in custody, now the person who they “dated” while they were locked up seems to act as if it is their job to put themselves in the same position as the officers.
A great example of this? GOING THROUGH SOMEONE’S PHONE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. And although it’s so common that one survey reported that 56 percent of women and 44 percent of men do it (more women than men…hmm…), while another stated that a whopping 71 percent of folks said that they use their partner’s phone without them knowing (hell, 21 percent professed to doing it often too) — let me put it to you this way: I wonder how many people know that it’s a practice that the law actually frowns upon.
Don’t believe me? Take a few moments to scroll through this article a bit more. Please let it serve as a PSA that just because something is popular, that doesn’t make it legal or right. And honestly, when it comes to preserving your relationship, it’s not the wisest move in that department either. Not at all.
First Up: Going Through His Phone, Without His Permission, Is Actually Illegal
@feistyaquarius Here is a checklist to make sure you didn’t miss one inch of that 📱 - settings (passcode) -imessages ( groupchats, msgs with friends ( guy names too check them) - whatsapp -telegram -GPS - call logs -photos ( RECENTLY DELETEDS FOR ALL APPS -instagram -fb msgs -snapchat ! -DROPBOX -emails -cash app (apple pay transactions) #fyp #iphonetips #parentsoftiktok #relationships
That, umm, presentation is from feistyaquarius on TikTok. Although there were a few times when I was like, “Girl, what?” as I was watching it, I can’t really say that I was shocked overall because there are TONS (I’m not exaggerating either) of other social media posts that are very similar to it. It’s like people have made a science out of coming up with ways of going through someone’s phone without them knowing. And here’s the thing about that — it is actually illegal.
According to a law firm’s website that I checked out on the topic, “The Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA) is a federal law that makes it a crime to access someone else’s private communications without permission. It covers cell phones, computer use, email, social media accounts, and other types of electronic communications.”
The act itself, you can read more about here, here, and here; however, as it relates to the day-to-day things of everyday relationships, that act is relevant in the sense that it doesn’t matter if you are dating someone, engaged or even married to them, if you are going through their phone (or texts or emails) without their knowledge and consent, you are not only invading their privacy, you are breaking the law.
Adding to that, if you go through a device that is password protected without their permission, that is considered to be a form of illegal spying.
GiphyAnd here’s the thing: whether you’re keylogging (using software to track what someone is doing on their computer), using spyware to monitor someone’s phone activity, you’ve put a GPS tracking device on their phone or even downloaded an app that keeps up with what they are doing on social media, based on where you live and what you end up doing with the information after getting it, if you get reported or caught, the consequences could be anything from a fine to actual jail time. And what if you’re doing this to see if your spouse is cheating on you?
From what I’ve read and researched there, that’s not gonna be very helpful for you either because many judges will see you as being controlling and/or intrusive and/or problematic. Plus, since many divorces can be entered in as a “no-fault” one, proof of infidelity won’t benefit you much anyway.
So basically, while you’re out here listening to TikTok detectives and their literal phone hack tips, I don’t even know if they’re aware that they’re encouraging you to low-key break the law — and possibly ruin your relationship in the process.
Strictly from the relationship standpoint, here’s why I say that…
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Distrust (and Disrespect)
GiphyPersonally, I never have been the kind of person who likes to snoop around people’s things. One reason is because I lived with a parent who moved that way (reading my diary and journals and everything). Another is because…I just think it’s disrespectful as hell. I mean, even when a friend’s phone rings or a notification goes off, and I’m closer to their phone than they are, and so they ask me to pass it to them, I will turn the face of the phone down and hand it over. Whatever they’ve got going on on their phone is their business.
And when it comes to past relationships, I honestly feel the same way. Just because we are together, it doesn’t mean that my partner doesn’t have their own identity and right to privacy.
Besides, if I feel like I need to know your every move, that means that either I don’t trust you and/or I want to run you on some level —and both of those things are toxic ways to deal with a relationship. And before one of y’all says, “Oh, I trust him, I just don’t trust who may be trying to communicate with him,” — can we please retire that tired saying once and for all?
If you actually trust your partner, other people don’t matter. They have enough self-control and integrity to handle themselves and whatever is transpiring accordingly. In other words, trusting them is all that you need to be concerned about. Period.
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Control
GiphyJealousy is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Constantly “making” someone earn your trust is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Treating someone like they are guilty until they prove to you that they are innocent is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Gaslighting someone into violating their own boundaries in order to please you is a sign of being controlling in a relationship.
Pulling accusations and presumptions out of thin air is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Feeling like you should know any and everything “just because” is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. And when you go through your partner’s phone without them knowing about it, pretty much all of these signs are being manifested in that action — one way or another. And who wants to be around a controlling type of individual?
There is no real-time or space to get into all of the reasons why someone is a controlling person. For now, what I will say is many people move like that because A) it was modeled to them while growing up; B) they have very low self-esteem, so they are insecure, and/or C) they seem to think that they should parent their partner (which is also toxic as hell).
A mental health expert by the name of Robin Skynner once said, “If people can’t control their own emotions, they then have to try to start to control other people’s behavior.” This basically means that controlling people need to control themselves instead of trying to control others — and what that basically boils down to is they need to be alone…until/unless they do.
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Hypocrisy
GiphyOkay, please tell me that you noticed the part of the TikTok up top when she said that she is gonna go through her man’s phone regardless, “So long as he doesn’t go through my phone.” Umm, you know what that kind of mentality is defined as being, right? It’s sho ‘nuf a hypocrite because a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and then turns around and does something different.
And honestly, when it comes down to it, I’m with playwright Tennessee Williams when he once said, “The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that's also a hypocrite!” because a hypocrite is not only arrogant and delusional enough to hold you to a standard that they don’t hold their own selves to, they also tend to lie to themselves as much as they lie to you in order to justify being that way.
Think about it: how is it that you feel that you have the right to violate someone else’s privacy and yet if the shoe were on the other foot, now it’s a problem? It’s basically because you know that all of it is wrong, and yet you’re okay being a walking contradiction. And anyone who is alright with twisting the truth like that, they aren’t someone who anyone should think is long-term relationship material. I am absolutely not budging on that conclusion, either.
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Liking (Potential) Drama
GiphyI’ve shared before that a Black series that I heard about late in the game and then binge-watched and enjoyed isChef Julian. While preparing to pen this, I thought about one of the issues that Julian had with his first love, who he was constantly on and off with (Mo), was that she was a snooper (one example starts at the 7:40 mark of this episode here). She was sneaking around when he wasn’t looking, all the while trying to see what was transpiring via the smartphone that he pays the bill for.
And here’s the thing about that: the fact that she’s lurking like that proves that she knows that she’s totally out of pocket. Yet besides that, say that she does find that he’s liking pics on Instagram (some of y’all really need to relax on that), that he’s talking to women that she doesn’t know, or even that he’s seeing someone else. You snuck around to find out, so…now what? You’re going to go off on him for not being able to trust him, and your evidence of that comes from you doing something that shows that he really shouldn’t trust you, either?
Hmph. Sounds like nothing but the onset of a lot of drama to me — and as an article that I once read on CNBC about dramatic people, three clear signs of being full of drama are they always move with a sense of urgency and they like to focus on negative (or potentially negative) things — oh, and they always want to be in control. Yep, in their own “special” way, dramatic people are control freaks.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? That if I sense something is up that I go into denial mode? No. However, if you can’t simply talk to your partner and/or you’d prefer to be a bootleg Inspector Gadget, that either means that your relationship has a lot more issues than your suspicions OR that you like drama and you’re trying to feed your appetite. Which is it, sis?
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Relational Red Flag (on Your Part)
GiphyIn BetterUp’s article from earlier this year, “16 red flags in a relationship to look out for,” some signs that stood out to me included overly controlling behavior; lack of respect or trust; conflict avoidance; lack of emotional intelligence, and an inability to communicate openly. And y’all, if you think about people who sneak into other people’s phones — how are these things not ultimately evident in their actions?
Also, if you want to give me pushback on that, if someone did any of this to you, would you not wonder the same thing about them? Would you not say that they are clear relational red flags? And, if someone were to ignore these kinds of flags, how foolish would they be to 1) stick around and/or 2) act shocked if things didn’t ultimately escalate?
Listen, it really should be enough that going through your partner’s phone without their permission is breaking the law yet, after all of what I said, if you don’t respect or trust them or you would rather sneak around than have a real and frank conversation, one way or another, your relationship is far more unstable and unhealthy than you think — whether they have something going on in their phone or not.
Bottom line, before trying to press your partner’s finger onto their phone while they are sleeping or downloading an app that hacks into their intel, ask yourself how you would feel if they did the same thing to you (BE HONEST) and then really ponder why you think that is the right/wise/smart move in the first place.
Personally, I don’t think any type of violation is a form of love. And as I tried to display here, almost ad nauseam, going through someone’s phone without their permission is a solid example of that.
And what if after reading all of this, you couldn’t care less? I say this in love, but you’ve got more internal red flags going on than you might think — and as a wise person once said, “I think my problem is, I like to see how red the flag can get.”
You wanna know what’s going on? ASK.
You don’t believe them? SHIFT.
Hacking isn’t the answer, though. Legally or otherwise. Ever.
Respect you and them enough to accept that. Fully.
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Featured image by Peter Cade/Getty Images