Personally, I think that simultaneous orgasms are dope. Aight, full disclosure is I think any orgasm is something to write home about, but the reason why I'm honing in on simultaneous ones today is because, as a marriage life coach, I find them to be one of the best metaphors for a healthy and happy marriage. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Let's chat a little bit about what a simultaneous orgasm is and how commonly it happens for couples, first.
A simultaneous orgasm is literally what it sounds like it is; it's when both people are able to climax at the same time.
When I did some online research about how commonly it happens for couples, a survey of 730 people revealed that 75 percent had achieved one before, 2 percent have them every time they have sex (that's pretty impressive right there!), yet 38 percent of women said they didn't mind if they didn't orgasm with their partner. All of this is interesting, but it's the 43 percent of couples who said they had to put in work in order to make a simultaneous orgasm happen that I really want to focus on.
For the record, there are benefits that come from not having simultaneous orgasms. You get to witness your partner's own pleasure more. Since one of you probably has more energy than the other, you can use that to get your partner aroused enough to go another round. At the same time, there is something very telling about being able to hit the "sweet spot" of a simultaneous climax. When both individuals have become so in tuned with their partner that they are able to orgasm at the same time, it resonates a kind of…"harmony" is the word that immediately comes to mind. It's a reminder that when you and yours are intentional about making something happen, even in the bedroom, it can indeed happen.
That's why I think that simultaneous orgasms are an in-the-bedroom example of how to make a marriage last. If you're still not sold on where I'm coming from, humor me a bit and check out five things that are required to achieve this kind of climax. Then tell me if you don't see how these kinds of things mirror what a great marriage requires as well.
Simultaneous Orgasms Require Clear and Concise Communication
Something that I dig about my close married friends is they are super candid about their sex lives. Case in point, as I was trying to gather some personal data on this particular topic, I asked a wife that I know about how often she thought she and her husband (of about a decade) had simultaneous orgasms. Her answer? "I'd say around 40 percent of the time." When I told her how impressed I was, her immediate response is what stood out most. "My husband is very aware when it comes to my body. We communicate really well."
If you Google the top reasons why married couples divorce, communication is almost always in the top five. Just like two people have a greater chance of experiencing a simultaneous orgasm if they are open and candid enough to share what they need and how they need it, a marriage has a far greater chance of succeeding if a couple follows suit outside of the bedroom.
A simultaneous orgasm is an awesome reminder that clear and concise communication is the key to a healthy marriage—whether a couple is having sex or not.
Simultaneous Orgasms Need Good Timing
I'm pretty sure it comes as no shocker to you that a man only needs five minutes (on average) to have an orgasm while a woman needs around 20 (foreplay is included). This means that in order for two people to climax together, they have to figure out how to make the most of the 15-minute window. In order to do that, both need to become masters at timing. Timing is simply the process of making the most of your moments in order to produce the best results. When this happens during sex, simultaneous orgasms are often the direct result. When it happens outside of sex, it can prevent arguments and emotional disconnections.
I'll give you an example. Say that your mom and hubby don't exactly get along. A couple of days ago, you and your husband had a disagreement about how to make things better between the two of them. Hitting him with the "Mom said she's coming this weekend for a few days" is probably gonna make matters worse, not better. It might be wiser to revisit the discussion, hear him out, offer a few suggestions and assurances and have mom come next month.
When they say that "timing is everything", they ain't neva lied when it comes to climaxing together and keeping a peaceful household and marital union.
Simultaneous Orgasms Mean Putting Your Partner’s Needs Before Your Own
If you do some internet research for tips on how to achieve a simultaneous orgasm, a lot of sex experts believe that proper positioning plays a significant role. What kind of sex positions? Many recommend the cowgirl, doggy style or the vertical version of the Cancer zodiac sign (some of y'all will catch that later). But even so, you have to take into account that you might prefer sex one way while your partner does another.
You know what that means, right? In order to truly achieve a simultaneous orgasm, there has to be compromise and sometimes even sacrifice (by the way, in its proper context, "sacrifice" is not a bad word. It simply means to give up one thing in hopes of getting something better in return).
Compromise and sacrifice in order to fulfill your partner's needs. Ask any married couple you know, just how much both of these things come into play in order to make their relationship work. If they are truly in it to win it, they are gonna say that it transpires A LOT.
Simultaneous Orgasms Won’t Work Without Tons of Creativity
Something that I think everyone can agree on, from the sex experts to the couples themselves, is the fact that simultaneous orgasms don't "just happen". They require a significant amount of effort and creativity. Between my own research, including unofficial interviews with couples that I know, I've heard that everything from sex with the lights on or in the shower to new lingerie and massages as a form of foreplay all play a role in successfully having an orgasm at the same time that one's partner does.
Now step out of your bedroom for just a moment. How creative are you and your spouse, in general? Something that I dig about the definitions of creativity is they don't just speak to being imaginative; they also speak of being original and productive too. How imaginative are your dates? How original are the traditions you've created within your relationship? How productive are the two of you when it comes to achieving various goals and plans?
Yep. Creativity should work both inside of the bedroom as we as out. Consistently so.
Simultaneous Orgasms Happen After Lots of Practice
You've probably heard that it takes 21 days to make (and break) a habit. I did some digging around and apparently, it's a cosmetic surgeon by the name of Maxwell Maltz who came up with that theory back in the 1960s. Not everyone agrees with him, though. A study from the University College London believes it takes more like 66 days. How'd they come to that conclusion? Out of the 96 people they surveyed, some folks took 18 days to make a habit while others took 296 days. 66 days is the average of the two that the researchers came up with.
However, the one thing that Maltz and the college can agree on is repetition is the only way that we can learn anything. It's the way we're wired. Since practicing something is how you cultivate a habit and also since it's kind of rare to master simultaneous orgasms the first try, this is another lesson that this kind of climaxing can teach about marriage.
Climaxing together requires doing some of the same things—techniques, positions, timing—over and over again. In many ways, having a solid marriage also requires doing the same things—communicating, executing, supporting and respecting one another—over and over again too.
The more I think about it, the more I'm going to recommend simultaneous orgasms to the couples that I work with. Seems to me, the more practice they put into those, the better they'll be at their marriage overall. Cool. Very cool.
Featured image by Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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The End Of The Road? Zoë Kravitz And Channing Tatum Reportedly Split
Rumors are circulating that Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum's engagement has come to an end. Adding to the intrigue, two hours prior to the news of their split becoming public, Channing celebrated the exciting announcement that he and Zoë would reunite for an upcoming alien invasion movie entitled Alpha Gang.
Some folks are saying that October is now “uncuffing season” as partners won’t have to deal with the weight and expectations that come with this time of year. From matching Halloween costumes to voting to Thanksgiving and Christmas, it seems the new cuffing season has moved to January.
In August 2021, Zoë and Channing were first rumored to be romantically involved after being photographed riding together through the streets of New York City on a BMX bike. The following month, they were seen leaving the Met Gala together, and Tatum confirmed their relationship on Halloween by posting a picture of them wearing a couples costume from Martin Scorsese's iconic 1976 film Taxi Driver on Instagram.
Instagram/@channingtatum
After collaborating on Zoë's directorial debut, Blink Twice, where Channing played a starring role, their relationship blossomed into a full-out romance. Approximately a year later, the Step Up star popped the question.
Because the streets are always watching, PEOPLE reported that Channing joined Zoë in seeing a production of a play by Blink Twice costar Levon Hawke in New York City's Red Hook neighborhood on Oct. 6. Most recently, Kravitz has been seen in public without her engagement ring, notably during an outing with her Big Little Lies co-star Shailene Woodley.
So the news of the split kinda comes as a surprise as we were just oozing over the couple’s undeniable chemistry during their Blink Twice press run in August. Channing and Zoë openly discussed their relationship and collaborated on multiple videos that went viral.
Even proud papa Lenny Kravitz gave his approval. During an interview with BBC’s Radio 2, he said, "He was raised well. So, you know, he’s got manners. He’s charming. He’s a soulful human being. And so, he’s become part of the family quite quickly. He fits and they're in love. We’re going to have a wedding next year."
As we mourn this breakup, let’s run back some memorable moments from the possibly uncoupled pair.
"Art is our love language."
When asked about future collaborations with her boo during the premiere of Blink Twice on Aug. 23, Zoë shared, "I think it's what we love, and we love talking about it, and experiencing it, and supporting each other.” Channing chimed in saying, “This is what I'll say about creating with someone that you are with or love: I suggest it. If you are thinking about having a kid or if you're thinking about getting married, go find the hardest possible creative project with your partner.”
“I got you forever.”
Channing took to Instagram to share an adoring photo of him holding Zoë. He captioned the photo, “This little sweet. She So tired bro. Every time I wondered if she’d break…. She just kept going and going and going. Always on the dig for truth. She pour’d every single ounce of her into this film. I’m so proud to stand ten toes down for her, this film and everyone in it. forever. Knowing what it took to make it. No one will ever know.”
The last line took us out: “Thank you for finding me and seeing me. I got you forever. Me and you back to back against it all. I’ll never blink. Let’s go. #blinktwice”
GOAT Talk
On Complex’s GOAT Talk, a show where stars are prompted to reveal their favorites of all time, Channing and Zoë disclosed their go-to song for singing in the shower, their beloved ad-lib line from Blink Twice, and their stance on conspiracy theories and their favorite rapper. The moment Channing challenged Zoë’s answer that Catwoman is the best superhero of all time was just too cute.
“The Lie Detector determined…”
The cast of Blink Twice underwent Vanity Fair's well-known lie detector test, facing a barrage of probing questions. Among the inquiries were: Did Channing Tatum and Naomi Watts ever irritate Zoë Kravitz during the filming of Blink Twice? Did Naomi ever pilfer anything from the set? Did Channing's portrayal of Gambit in Deadpool & Wolverine surpass his personal expectations?
Best of all were the moments you saw Zoë and Channing look at each other adoringly and when they would finish each other sentences. “We are equally cool,” Zoë beamed.
Puppy Love
The pair hung out with BuzzFeed and a slew of adorable puppies while chatting about their favorite improvised moment on set, who has the best rizz — which is apparently Channing according to Zoë — and their first impressions of each other. Not only did they binge-watch Love Island together but they also boasted they would win Love Is Blind if they were on the show.
The Pressure
Zoë Kravitz recently sat down with Esquirefor an interview and got real about her thoughts on becoming a parent. She shared that she's always kinda thought motherhood might not be her thing. “For a long time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was waiting for this light to go off in my head, and it never did. When you’re younger, you’re like, ‘Well, I can’t have kids. I’m too young! It’d be crazy.’”
Her viewpoint on childbirth and parenthood has evolved as she has matured and witnessed the societal pressure placed on women to reproduce. While she recognizes the immense strength and courage required to carry and raise a child, Kravitz believes that women should not be made to feel obligated to do so.
Zoë continued, “For a lot of people that have children, it is this giant, life-changing event – and I do think there is a certain amount of focus and respect that they should get from their community. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have children, and there’s a feeling that if you don’t, you don’t have purpose here.” The director feels a special connection to her new movie akin to giving birth.
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Featured image by Dave Benett/WireImage