The moment Candace Marie Stewart took her first trip to New York City, she understood why her life in Arkansas didn't make sense. While southern girls have a unique perception of style and flair, Candace felt a soul tie to the Big Apple that she couldn't ignore. Ever since she made the fashion capital of the US her home, this social media maven has been creating a name for herself despite the status quo. We all know that behind every dope Instagram account is a super lit black woman.
The Arkansas native found a way to marry her two loves: fashion and social media. With brands like ESSENCE, Vogue, People and Lucky on her badass resume, it's hard not to root for Candace. She is wildly known for bringing the culture to international Fashion Weeks where she might be the only woman of color in the space. Not only is she a certified street style killa, she has brains to match, holding a MBA in finance.
Candace Marie can't be put in a box because she's too much of a creative soul. When we asked her how she describes her style, she said, "I can never put it in a box because I can appreciate so many different types of style. I love that you can create a character depending on what place you're going. I can create myself and be anything that I want to be and it really can be different. It could be t-shirt jeans or it could be super fabulous over-the-top designer couture. I like to play both sides where it doesn't have to necessarily be in this statement of 'this is what it is' or one word."
The creative force to be reckoned with recently leveled up and traded her time as the creative mind behind Barney's social to the role of social media manager for PRADA. Yes, the PRADA. We had the chance to kiki with the boss babe about how she feels about inclusivity in fashion, what's next for her and the biggest lessons she's learned from holding her own in these major domains.
Do you remember the moment you fell in love with fashion?
Photo Courtesy of Candace Marie
It always felt internal but the thing that I can pinpoint was in middle school and I tried to find myself like with any other teenager in high school or growing up. You're trying to find yourself in a lot of ways and you express yourself through the way you dress. I never felt like I could find anything that I really, really liked and then the internet became more popular where you could see things but not too much. I remember always being on ASOS because it was one of those few places. I remember taking one of my mother's silk scarves and there was a really, pretty orange and pink scarf so I thought, "I can tie this and make it to a shirt and wear my denim jacket over it."
My mother saw me on the way out and she didn't say much but then I'm in class and I hear, " Candace to the front office," over the intercom. I get there and my dad said, "Hey, I'm checking you out for the day." I was thinking something had happened and he tells me that my mom told him to come pick me up and make me change. So my dad took me to this sewing place and he told me to pick out a sewing machine. He said, "The next time you want to wear something make it yourself." I ended up teaching myself how to sew and seeing different designs I even made my own prom dress. I kind of want to get back into that world because my mother knew how to sew as well and anything that she knew she taught me. That's the first memory I have of like actually putting it into motion.
You've worked with big brands, like ESSENCE, Vogue, People and Lucky. What was the biggest lesson you learned from being in those major domains?
Hard work. I would look at my peers and then compare myself because we started off interning together then we did freelance together and we worked here and here. You go back and start measuring yourself up to what everyone's doing right now.
I always said, "You’re u don't have to be the smartest in the room or the most clever person but a hardworking person will outlast anyone because you have to be consistent."
The thing in the fashion industry and other industries, is hearing alot of no's. Hearing 'no' a thousand times can make you feel this industry is not for you. I've had alot of friends that felt it got too hard and they decided to take another route. I never felt like just because you didn't get the 'yes' that you thought that you wanted or thought that it should be, doesn't mean you weren't meant to be in the industry.
How do you feel about the state of inclusivity and fashion?
Photo Courtesy of Candace Marie
They can do way better. So much is hidden and deep-rooted that they don't realize what it is. I could be sitting in a board meeting and I question why am I the only black person out of 45 people that are here? I'm analyzing it in my head; there's not one other person of color in the room. I've had conversations with peers who are black or a minority and we don't want to be the Bible for all things black. It needs to be a shift and a change. I honestly noticed it more as I started to travel and go to Fashion Weeks. You're not seeing any other women of color at the shows especially going into the luxury space. I remember a photographer told me he was shooting me because he wanted to make the street style some type of diverse. It's not their fault.
Women of color are not being invited to these shows therefore you can't capture what's not there so it's like this domino effect.
Also, it was a goal for me to not even try to fit in because I like to rock braids and cornrows; this is how I feel. I'm looking different than every single person. It starts internally at these companies with the people that are behind the closed doors. Not the models. They're not thinking about us because people are normally thinking about who they're similar to naturally because you're going to pick someone's beauty standards who look like you. With that in mind, you need to have other people of various diversities, religion, etc because you're going to naturally be biased. And I said that so many times on my own team. I'm like, "Listen, I keep on picking black women. Can y'all give me somebody else because I'm always going to be attracted to the dope black girl." But again, it starts behind closed doors.
If you had to choose the best and worst parts of your job. What would they be?
Photo Courtesy of Candace Marie
The best part is that it's ever-creative and fast paced. I love that because I'm creating it as I go. From the videographers I work with to the talent, I've always been able to try new things without having stipulations. Just because, again, it's a newer industry. Honestly, a lot of times people don't even know themselves what they want so it's nice to be able to try different things and bring the diversity factor from the talent to the photographer to the space. Like, how does that look? I would say the worst part is…two things.
The fashion industry is already crazy, but social media is 24 hours so I never have a break and I need a vacation. I need to chill.
I have to constantly remind myself that I need to take care of my body because I haven't been to the doctor the entire year. I need to keep up with myself and the older I get, I'm putting what is important in perspective and what is not. Also, the other worst thing is that because social media is very on display, from a company standpoint, I always say imagine if every email that you sent was displayed to your entire company every time you send it because everyone has an opinion on it from a company standpoint. Everyone thinks they know how to do it. So you get a lot of opinions about your job. At the end of the day, I love to do recaps and reports stating this is why we did what we did.
With you saying you have to remind yourself to take care of yourself, how do you make time for Candace? How do you do self-care?
Family time. All of my family is still back in Arkansas but I literally FaceTime somebody from my family every single day whether it's an aunt or my nieces. Just hearing the kids laugh on the phone is good for me. I'm consistently on the phone with my siblings and my parents because those are the people that are going to love me regardless. They could care less about the fashion industry. They can care less because they don't understand it and that's such a breath of fresh air to step away from it. Also, I always take a bubble bath every single day just because it makes me stop and say, "This is my time."
I can disconnect and separate myself and put things back into perspective.
I just started working out again after I fractured my foot last year. I was rushing to work and fractured my foot. And I thought, this is crazy. Work is never that important. Your physical health is more important than all of this. I am my number one priority, everything else comes second. I am starting with a new company and I told them I needed a week off before I start. They asked if I could start Monday and I said, "No, I need a week off." I have to be at my best to give you my best. If I am empty, I can't give you anything. Thank
As a woman of color, what do you find the most intriguing about us magical beings?
I would probably say our hair but it is more like our creativity. Because we are so creative and I posted a meme I found where the woman changes her hair every week to a different hairstyle. It was so me and I can never keep the same style for long. That creativity comes out in my job as well. At work, they always ask what I think because I always give the most out of the box ideas.
That's what people don't see. When you hire us, you are getting so much creativity.
When I look on social media, from dancing to jokes, my friends and I talk about how only black people can create this type of magic. We are really so bomb. I was watching Beyonce's Homecoming and I think she said some of these things that we can do isn't normal and that's the thing, our creativity is not normal. I am in awe of how we can take something so basic and make it so creative.
You've already made a huge impact on fashion and social media, what's next for you?
Photo Courtesy of Candace Marie
I'm coming more into my own, if that makes any sense. I'm becoming more comfortable being in such an industry. Sometimes people feel like it's such a juxtaposition for black people to exist in luxurious spaces but we do it and we are seeing it with collaborations like Dapper Dan and Gucci. And with that, there were still some underlying things that were like taking place. For me, I just want that next step to include me bridging the gap.
We belong in this space and we can own this space and we deserve job opportunities, from modeling to photography to being invited to these shows.
My next step is going to really start to intertwine that. Social media will always be there too because that's a passion of mine. I love doing it for friends and different businesses and things of that nature, but I do want to see that gap close up where you don't have to second-guess yourself [as a person of color] or I don't have to worry about being the only black person in a space. Am I going to see anyone else that looks like me in this space? I feel that my next step will allow me to own that better because I feel like a lot of what I did at Barney's was me laying the foundation and seeing a lot of those fruits from my labor happen. As much as I love social media, I'll always be a black woman. There's no separation from that.
Keep up with Candace on social.
*This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock