Personally, I blame Barbie. At least for starters.
I don't have any children of my own and thankfully, the parents of young daughters that I'm close to don't inundate their girls with dolls, so I can't comment too much on what Barbie looks like today (although Yara Shahidi's is pretty cute, I must admit). But back when I was a little girl, Barbie's dream outfit was a wedding dress, Ken was her constant companion and, if you looked really closely at her hand, there was a fake diamond in it. And since her hands were fused together, in order to take the ring off, you had to tug on it. Without the ring, there was a big hole in her hand that remained.
Call it overthinking if you want to, but if basically, all a little girl sees in her room are doll babies—or dolls who have a part of their hand missing if there's not a diamond in it—and Disney flicks that are filled with Prince Charmings and tales of "happily ever after"; and then when she has a crush on someone, the adults in her life immediately refer to said-boy as her "boyfriend"…what are we expecting her to be consumed with? Why wouldn't wanting a man of her very own, even if he is a child just like her, be a part of her little girl goals?
So yeah, between the toy-programming in my home, the irresponsible-albeit-probably-totally-ignorant teasing about "my boyfriends" by some of the adults in my world, the sermons in church that never seemed to be celebratory of the single life (at most, they talked about remaining pure until a husband came along), having friends (in elementary and high school) who were in relationships since I could remember and then not even really being taught (properly) about the purpose of romantic relationships…of course, I wanted a boyfriend. Basically, ever since middle school on.
OK, the irresponsible adults that I mentioned? My mom wasn't really one of them. Although she thought crushes were cute and I got to take a date to school banquets (I went to private schools, so we didn't have proms), I didn't have my first official date with a guy until I was in the second semester of my junior year of high school and, believe you me, there was a curfew. It was innocent enough. Matter of fact, I'm still cool with "him" to this day. That's because we didn't do what I did with a lot of other men who followed him.
Plus, we made being friends more important than trying to become boyfriend-girlfriend. Please bookmark that.
No, it actually wasn't until I was a freshman in college that I had my first real deal boyfriend. The CliffNotes version is a girlfriend of mine at the time whose boyfriend would drive up to see her a couple of times a week, brought a few of his friends up. The friend who caught my eye (let's call him "David") then started making the trips with him. He was fine. He was smart. He liked me as much as I liked him (to this day, I don't think a lot of us realize how rare that is; "like timing" is almost like a UFO sighting). Yeah, things moved quickly.
It wasn't long before we were spending hours on the phone. Hours of talking make you feel like you've known someone longer than you actually have. And so, after a couple of weeks, we had the boyfriend-girlfriend title although I didn't know exactly what came with that. Then, a few weeks after that, we had sex for the first time. I was in. ALL IN.
During a relationship that officially lasted less than two years, things got deep—and sometimes dark. We got arrested together (his cousin had a stolen gun in my car that I knew nothing about). I had an abortion that was totally against David's wishes. Sometimes he would stay with me for days on end. Other times, when I needed money, he'd give it. When he wanted my car, I'd lend it. Again, I was all in. And since that's what my first boyfriend experience was like, that's how I thought all romantic relationships were supposed to be—basically married just…not.
Fast forward about a decade and it's kind of amazing that my last boyfriend-girlfriend relationship was about 14 years ago. Although I haven't had sex in 12 years, my boyfriend and I spent about two years breaking up…you know how it goes. Anyway, in hindsight, I realize that even with him, things were deep and sometimes dark. We were constantly on the phone. He too would stay with me, sometimes for days on end. I would cook for him on the regular. Sometimes even pay his bills. Between my complex childhood, the fallout in my romantic liaisons and the toll both took on my self-esteem, sometimes he rode emotional roller coasters with me that he didn't deserve. Then there were our families all intertwined and caught up in the mix. Ugh.
About three-and-a-half years in, I remember looking at him one time while he was asleep next to me and thinking, "I want out." It's not that he wasn't a good person. To this day, he's one of the smartest and gentlest people I know—well, knew (we use that "know" word too loosely). It's just that he wasn't my person.
Yet, because he was my boyfriend, I thought I had to stick it out, for better or for worse. Like he was a husband or something. I took a long time for me to accept that I did not. Because he was not.
I also remember the day when I finally decided to call it quits. I was at one of his cousin's house who happened to be a friend of mine (and also not a fan of the relationship because she too felt he was not my person). When I called to tell him that it was really over and then hung up the phone, I sat in one of the corners of her bedroom and cried and cried…and cried some more. Although I had never been married before, I was a child of divorce (twice) and the pain that I was experiencing? It seemed very similar.
Why do I only have a boyfriend, but this break-up feels like I'm divorcing my husband? To this day, there are very few things that I think compare to break-up pain. To this day, that is one of the biggest self-introspective questions I've ever asked.
Acting married when I'm not is just too much…for me.
Fast forward to now and, whenever people ask me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?", my initial response is, "I'm too old for a BOY-anything." And, by "too old", I mean too mature and too wise. However, there is some subtext behind that statement.
Believe it or not, I know a couple of couples who were virgins when they got married. I also know a few people whose first love was their current spouse. There's something really beautiful about those testimonies because they haven't gone through the brokenness that I have. They haven't acted like they are married to people they aren't, so there is a loyalty and respect that they have for one another, sex and the union of marriage that I'm still working to rebuild.
Years ago, I heard someone say that the way a lot of us date, it doesn't teach us how to be married; it teaches us how to get divorced. To a large extent, I agree. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in marriage counseling sessions and had couples tell me that they're ready to end their legally-binding-said-vows-before-God relationship like it's…nothing. When I choose to dig deeper, some of them will say something along the lines of, "When I wasn't happy with my ex, I ended it. I don't see the difference."
Just because you might not see it, that doesn't mean there isn't one. Unfortunately, when we treat our boyfriends as if they are our husbands, we don't see (or treat) divorces as being much different than a break-up. In fact, a lot of us see the two is being exactly the same. We gave our all—mind, body and soul—to a boyfriend (or 10 boyfriends) and so by the time our husband comes along, he doesn't get much more than what our boyfriends did. It's hard for us to understand why he should.
To tell you the truth, that grieves me because a boyfriend shouldn't be synonymous with a husband.
There should be certain perks—and levels of loyalty and respect—that the man we promise to stay with until death gets that our "boyfriends" were never deserving of. But because a lot of us aren't told or modeled this, we act married before we are, so we don't value the sacredness of marriage as much as we should.
That's why I'll NEVER have a boyfriend again.
I already know what some of you are wondering. Since I have no plans on having a boyfriend, am I saying that I also have no plans on getting married someday? Personally, I don't see how the two connect; at least, not anymore. Whenever someone asks me how I figure I can have a husband without having a boyfriend first, my first response is, "Who had a boyfriend in the Bible?" (I'll wait). Plenty of people were married all up and through there!
Seriously, though. I want to marry a friend. No abusing the monogamy word (monogamy literally means "married to one person for a lifetime" NOT exclusively dating). No pressure to act married when I'm not. Just the time, space and freedom to get to know a guy that I dig who digs me. That like will turn into love and in the sacredness of friendship, one day, that will turn into being in love.
It might sound idealistic. Personally, I think the more appropriate word is "countercultural". But I know some people who did it just this way. Two of my closest friends were friends—just friends—for over a decade. The now-wife always had feelings for her now-husband, but timing is everything. Anyway, because their friendship was the foundation, the guy-friend was always very real and open with his girl-friend. In fact, they were best friends.
One day, he went on a fast. He came out of it realizing that he was sick of dating around; that he was ready to meet "the one". After a 3-4 hour-long conversation with his girl-friend, they realized they were on the same page with their values, how they saw their future and how they defined family. They got engaged six months later. They've been married 17 years now. See…it's possible to get a husband without having a boyfriend. Even better, it's possible to do it with your heart and parts still intact.
I get that my stance isn't for everyone. That's fine. But on this side of wisdom and healing, I have no regrets with having male friends and removing the pressure (and drama) that oftentimes comes from making some of them my boyfriend.
These days, I don't want there to be a fine line between what a boyfriend gets vs. what my husband deserves. Now, I see a world of difference between the two, which is exactly why I will never ever have a boyfriend again.
I'll act married when I actually am married. Let the church say…amen.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert