Breaking Up With Toxic Friends Won’t Be Easy, But It’s So Necessary
Many of us adored Mean Girls the movie and perhaps some of us actually embodied them in our everyday lives growing up.
I'm definitely guilty of being "personally victimized," in addition to doing my fair share of victimizing during my childhood. It was in those moments that we continued to naively fight our way to the top of the cruel food chain known as high school, that we ultimately realized Cady Heron had some major points about high school.
Particularly her parallels to the jungle.
These friendships are naively protected under girl code all throughout our childhood despite how toxic they are. And quiet as it's kept, true mean girls don't grow out of it, they simply become mean bitches. Period. But despite the fact that not all mean girls truly grow up, sometimes you do. Then and only then do you begin to see your "friendships" for what they were and still are if you haven't quite figured out how to let go.
Feeling obligated to uncomfortably grow into a friendship built on old bonds, while maintaining all of the stability of a game of Jenga is a growing pain I've battled with for some time and I'm just now learning how to deal.
The problem is that we've been socialized to normalize and, at times, romanticize toxic friendships and the bullying that sometimes occurs inside of them as if it were some type of prerequisite for life. Although it may not feel good, we tell ourselves that it's in the name of fun or that we're overthinking, ignoring the fact that those little slick comments are at our expense. We ultimately learn to chalk it up to the game from a young age.
But the thing is, there's nothing healthy about tolerating bullies at any age or in any setting.
The truth is, these friends have all of the qualities of that ex they warned you about but because intimacy doesn't occur within the confines of your bedroom, the abuse (yes, abuse!) that occurs within the relationship is difficult to identify. Not to mention, it isn't always as aloof as the "you can't sit with us" rhetoric but sometimes subtle and far more underhanded.
I've come to recognize the signs and acknowledge that their presence is a possibility in any type of relationship -- not remotely exclusive to our romantic lives. I've also come to understand that these types of friends are by far more difficult to quit because, as friends, they have been the necessary cheerleader in the darkest of hours. This makes it difficult to believe that they could possibly contribute to the gut-wrenching anxiety that draws that dark hour out even longer than intended.
These friendships last longer than they should because of the crippling thought of getting through (any and everything) without your girls feels lonely, even as it remains a simple thought. But, I'm living proof that if you can get through without them, without the friends who lift you up just to break you down, you will no doubt be better for it.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is nothing deeply philosophical, but short, direct, and certainly words to live by: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." And, if your friendships don't meet this most basic standard of respect, then it's high time you throw the whole damn friend away and get you some new ones, because they aren't worth it.
I often found myself wondering why some of my close friendships felt as devastating and heartbreaking as my relationships but with next to none of the fun perks that come with bare minimum fuckboys (that would be good dick and free meals for those of you wondering). It felt unnecessary and it was, but I subjected myself to it because of the aforementioned logic. I was told that I was overreacting despite being the butt of all jokes. All. The. Time. However, I was expected to finetune my telepathy skills so not to piss these very friends off in regards to their sensitivities or else there was hell to pay for me. After spending so much of the friendship walking on eggshells and changing to fit into their world without reciprocation, the friendship stopped being fun. I mean, seriously, if several grown ass women couldn't find any common grounds outside of gossip and playing the dozens to the extent of making one feel expendable.
There was absolutely no growth and as a result, there was no friendship.
This led me to begin to distance myself, but after having my feelings hurt one too many times, I decided to speak up about the situation. Instead of understanding, I was met with hostility, threats, and excuses asserting that I was spreading negative energy in my unwillingness to continuously be demeaned by my own friends.
I was enlightened, baffled, and grateful in the moment that I wholly received the message to let go.
Enlightened because not everyone is aware of others in a way that allows them to genuinely personify kindness. Enlightened in realizing that, even as adults, we haven't mastered some of the most elementary lessons and core values such as think before you speak. I was baffled by the thought that one could be so clueless as to denounce someone's feelings as childish and senseless, in a world where people commit suicide every single day because they simply felt misunderstood or unheard. I felt grateful because although I do suffer from a very mild depression at times, it has never left even a trace of a thought that ended my life would somehow be or feel better than my temporary loneliness.
There will be lonely days, but the more time you have with yourself, the more you realize that you can never feel as lonely as you felt in bad company. And eventually, you will make room for new friends who can meet you where you are and provide a symbiotic positivity that is so necessary if you're to continuously find growth in your personal, professional, and many other elements of your life.
The law of attraction is real.
When I met these girls, I was young and a long way from being my best self, so it wouldn't surprise me if someone said that I had once served up some of their same energy. I'm learning that you can only attract what you are; furthermore, you can only return the same energy that you're met with. We often can't see the similarities that we share with others that force us to gravitate to these particular people, but I'm now convinced that the "birds of a feather" theory was founded on the principles of energy as opposed to hobbies, geography, or style.
But, you know what? There's a reason I outgrew them and I like to believe it has everything to do with my spirit and overall energy shifting as I gain insight into what I am and who it is that I really wish to be.
That said, it's imperative that we fill our circles with a rainbow of energy that is a reflection of the type of love and joy that we seek out in our platonic relationships, as well as what we wish to exude from within.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Some of the top jobs with the highest salaries also include a unique duty: Managing high levels of stress. And for Black women, this is especially troubling since many already face an added unique barrier of hidden biases, discrimination, and unequal pay.
When it comes to stress, according to a recent report, these jobs made the list:
(Oh, and a quick disclaimer: This is not to deter anyone from pursuing the career of their dreams or calling. Just keep these things in mind and remember that there are both good and not-so-savory aspects of doing any job or getting into any industry.)
Anesthesiologist
These professionals (who, on average can earn more than $230,000 annually) face occupational risks such as large workloads, intense responsibility, safety issues related to ionizing and non-ionizing radiation, and high instances of suicide. They are also exposed to the usual biological factors present in medical facilities such as viruses, bacteria, and fungi.
Business Operations Manager
Take it from me, any job title with the name “manager” in it is indeed stressful. As someone who has worked in management positions for over 10 years, it’s a rewarding but oftentimes thankless job, and when something goes wrong, the buck stops at you even if it’s not exactly all your fault.
Research has shown that 67% of managers have admitted to “struggling with heavy workloads, and the pressure exacerbates burnout in the office.” Business operations managers can earn upwards of $89,000 but are often tasked with making sure the engine of a department or a whole business runs efficiently and smoothly. This can mean late nights, overtime, and heavy expectations for results.
Social Worker
SDI Productions/Getty Images
Whether clinical, child and family, or community social workers, these professionals often have to help women, children, and families get through some very tough situations, social workers are susceptible to burnout. Due to services in stressful and complex situations, social workers are “more at-risk for chronic stress resulting in burnout,” according to research. This burnout is associated with “increased levels of absenteeism, higher turnover rates, and negative work attitudes.” Salaries can range from more than $45,000 to $80,000 per year.
Dentist
While it might seem like this is one of the less stressful medical professions to pursue, where you can set your own hours, start a practice, or take on a lucrative niche to meet your career and financial goals, this is still on the list of the most stressful jobs.
An expert told U.S. News & Report that a key stressor for dentists, who can earn salaries of more than $155,000 per year, is dealing with patient anxiety. “The most stressful occupations are those with much responsibility and not a lot of positive reward and feedback,” she explained to the publication.
Nurse Practitioner
One report found that these essential workers, who can earn upwards of $121,000, face constantly having to deal with “doctor's attitude, posting in busy departments (emergency/ICU), inadequate pay, and too much work.” Another found that two out of every 10 nurses have indicated that they are either “highly” or “extremely” stressed due to work, with 82% stating that stress affects their mental health, and more than 44% indicating that work stress affects their physical health.
Sales Manager
FG Trade/Getty Images
As mentioned before, being a manager is not for the faint at heart, especially when you’re managing both processes and people. There’s a sense that there’s always a deal to be made or closed, and revenue numbers directly impact one’s success in this role (as well as their livelihood.) Having to constantly hit targets and KPIs can take a toll on even the most savvy salesperson, and then add to that the responsibility of ensuring your teams are meeting their goals, the reports, the schmoozing, and the constant meetings.
How To Cope With A Stressful Job
Certain levels of stress at any job are unavoidable, and if you’re a professional in any of the aforementioned fields (or plan to be), it’s important to prioritize self-care, finding work-life harmony when balance just isn’t possible, and setting boundaries.
Experts also recommend building a certain level of discipline when it comes to your exercise and fitness habits, seeing a therapist, and building a supportive network. If you’re already in these industries, take micro-breaks (i.e. once every two hours while at work, if possible), commit to a hobby, and find purpose and passion outside of the work that you do.
Join a professional organization specific to your industry where you can relate and network with other professionals who face the same unique stressors that you do, and if all else fails, think about your why and whether maybe a sabbatical, career gap year or a total career change is your next move.
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Featured image by Getty Images