

It’s semi-consistent that someone will hit me up based on an article I’ve written and will say, “Where did you come up with the idea to tackle that?” Although I do spend a good amount of time hanging out in cyberspace to see what folks are talking about, you’d be amazed how much inspiration comes from my clients, chile. And today’s topic? You already read the title, and yeah, it really is wild how much of an issue this is in a lot of relationships — marriages included.
How in the world folks let something like this get past them before jumping the broom, I will never (EVER) know because even if you and your partner decide to practice abstinence before saying “I do” (yes, some people do still do that), intimacy isn’t just about sex. And so, if you plan on vowing “until death parts us” to another individual, conversations need to get hella extensive, deep, and personal when it comes to what each other’s wants, needs, and expectations are — both inside of the bedroom as well as outside of it. And yes, oral sex applies.
Listen, I tell people often that you are in over-the-top denial if you think that someone is going to sign up for monogamy (the original definition of that is marriage, not dating, by the way; “exclusivity” is a more appropriate word for dating dynamics) and either end up in a sexless marriage (which is sex that transpires 10-15 times a year) or one where their sexual needs end up going unmet (especially on a consistent basis).
So, if cunnilingus is a big deal to you (and sis, I totally get it if that is indeed the case) and he’s either not interested in, umm, “meeting you where you’re at” or even if he’s simply less than enthused about doing so, please don’t just grin and bear it in silence. THAT IS A PROBLEM THAT IS ONLY GOING TO GET BIGGER.
That said, let’s look into how this issue can be addressed…
What’s His Reason?
Remember how I said that my clients inspire me a lot as far as content goes? Well, I’ll never forget sitting across from a man who was an elder at his church. Chile, he was a real trip because while he had no problem with his wife going down on him (more on that in a sec), he said that there was no biblical stance behind him “returning the favor.” Don’t get me started on how many times church folks act shocked by how much Word I know, and you know what? I am very aware of the fact that sex is mentioned in the Bible quite a bit.
For instance, I Corinthians 7:5 tells married couples not to deprive each other; and that sex needs to happen consistently. The Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16-20 speaks to sex not being designed to be casual. The Song of Solomon? Chile, that book is so graphic (if you know how to read in between the lines). And then there is Proverbs 5:15(NKJV): “Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: a cistern is not only “a reservoir, tank, or container for storing or holding water or other liquid,” it is also “a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body.” That second definition? Yes, the vagina would certainly qualify — so thinking that there is some spiritual reason to not engage? I don’t think there is one. Not for married folks.
Still, I’m using this as an example because no one comes up with something like an anti-oral stance without some sort of reasoning behind it. It might be how they were raised. It might be some sort of religious thing. It might be because they had a bad first (second or third) experience. It might be because they are afraid and are too scared to (openly) admit it. It might be because they are simply selfish individuals. Whatever the case may be, if you’ve got a partner who is against cunnilingus, remember that good sex typically includes some levels of emotional intimacy. Don’t just accept what he’s saying — talk to him about it.
Does He Expect Fellatio, Tho?
Many of us know the position that DJ Khaled was on a few years back; you know, when he said that he expects oral sex from his wife, yet he doesn’t give it. Now, to be fair, there is probably some cultural and religious stuff behind it all, but still: he was talking about being a king, and that is why he should be serviced — and how could we not see a lot of ego in all of that?
Personally — and if it’s TMI, I apologize in advance — I never found myself in the position where oral sex was going down, and reciprocity wasn’t present. I did have one sex partner where it never happened, yet it wasn’t for a lack of him trying or offering (I just didn’t want to for some reason). For me, my sexual history consisted of people who were my friends…which means we knew each other really well…which means we knew each other’s sexual needs and expectations way before anything ever transpired.
However, even if that’s not the case for you, if “head” hasn’t gone down yet, talk all of this out. If it has, and it seems like you’re the only one on the giving end, you need to bring it up. After all, closed mouths don’t get fed — or eaten (I mean…). If he gives you some DJ Khaled rah-rah, that’s gaslighting to the billionth degree because if it’s a religious thing, most religions promote abstinence outside of marriage. If he comes at you on some what I once heard R&B singer Keith Sweat say at a concert here in Nashville, that “real men don’t need to go down on women” because their penis should be enough — that’s nonsense.
For one thing, if you should be fine with just his penis, he should be fine with just your vagina. Secondly, a lot more women climax from cunnilingus than vaginal penetration alone — so, if he’s a pleaser, he’s gonna want to make sure that you get pleased. And if he isn’t one…that means sex is mostly about him, and he sucks (no pun intended) for thinking that way.
And what about you? Should you keep on…pleasuring him in that fashion if he’s not willing to “return the favor?" My vote is “no” because you are rewarding his selfishness, which is something that we’ll get more into in just a moment. That said, I will put on record that since every successful relationship includes levels of compromise, there is something else that you should consider.
Is He Open to “Compromise”?
Compromise. On so many levels, it is the foundation of pretty much relationships. And how do you compromise when it comes to something like this? Compromise can be how long he’s down there for (because if you’ve ever been with a man who enjoys going down, you know that he can be there for quite a while…and we appreciate it!). Compromise can be bringing sex-related condiments like whipped cream or honey into the dynamic. Compromise can be “counting up to 69” (if you know what I mean) so that he can be receiving pleasure while he’s giving it (which can serve as an absolutely awesome distraction). Compromise can be not expecting it every time sex goes down.
Would I compromise with a man who wasn’t big on cunnilingus? Probably not because that’s how big of a deal it is for me. However, I get that sometimes you can meet a good man, and his not being interested in “being a giver” isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for you. If that is indeed the case, compromise is the middle ground that just might work for you.
Okay, but what if you can’t bend in this department?
Is It a Deal-Breaker for You?
A few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom.” And although “no oral sex” wasn’t on the list, I don’t think it’s shallow in the least if that is something that you just can’t seem to do without, especially if you’re gearing up for (or are already in) an exclusive type of situation. Again, it can’t be said enough that when you sign up to be someone’s one-and-only, and they do the same thing for you, this means that you are to be looking to them, and them alone, to get certain needs met.
And here’s the irony about deal-breakers: what they basically mean is two people came to the negotiating table and couldn’t find a middle ground. And while, I don’t think that anyone should feel bad about not doing something that they don’t want to do, if your man’s reason for not going down on you is simply, “I don’t want to” and he’s not even open to trying to find some workarounds, you’re probably going to find yourself very unhappy and sexually unfulfilled up the road and that means that there is a huge potential for other problems down the pike too.
It can’t be said enough that a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out after two people have tried to work things out. If the two of you have openly discussed the topic and he’s not willing to try to bend and you’re not willing to give oral sex up — no, it’s not shallow to end the relationship. Dating is about seeing who meets your needs, and it’s more than fair to see oral sex as a bona fide sexual need.
Do You See Signs of Selfishness Elsewhere?
Are there some people who just don’t like oral sex, no matter what? Of course, there are (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”). Hey, I even wrote a while back about some people who aren’t fond of kissing (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”). Now I will say this: for the very few I know who don’t like to give or receive, they don’t apply when it comes to what I’m about to address that is probably the issue for everyone else who takes a pass on oral sex: selfishness. And since we’re talking about guys who don’t go down, specifically, in this piece — selfish men.
Do you know what I’ve noticed about those types of guys? They tend to be selfish in other areas too because, what they are essentially saying is, that they want you to do what pleases them while not being interested in returning the favor. And that tends to manifest in other reasons. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself the following questions, and then be real with yourself about the answers:
Do you find yourself doing most of the work to keep the relationship going? Are you the bigger giver overall? If you weren’t the one initiating calls, dates, etc. would you even be in a consistent relationship? Does he rarely compromise? Do you keep putting other needs that you have on the back burner? Does he make you feel like other wants that you have aren’t that big of a deal or that you are blowing things out of proportion for not getting them met? Does he try to make you feel guilty for having certain expectations?
A wise person once said that good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent because the bedroom sets the tone for the rest of the room of the house. That said, if you’ve got a man who won't go down on you (or acts like it’s a chore if he does), it’s clear that your bedroom has some issues. And so, I can’t help but ask: How’s the rest of your “house” doing? If it’s selfish elsewhere, that’s an even bigger red flag.
All You Can Do Is Ask. Discuss. Then Make Your Move. One Way or Another.
The reason why I decided to provide some things to think about instead of writing what I think a blanket solution should be is because the reality is that when it comes to stuff like this, no two couples are the same; there are so many nuances to sexual needs that it’s impossible to cover it all in just one article.
What I did want to make sure of is you knew that 1) your sexual needs are legitimate; 2) the way to address getting them met is to not suppress or make assumptions; you need to address them head-on, and 3) if he’s not willing to give you what you need (or want, if you choose to see cunnilingus in that fashion), you’ve got some serious thinking to do. Because, again, going the distance with someone who isn’t meeting a sexual desire that satisfies you can be a setup for all kinds of drama that could be avoided if the two of you aren’t kind enough to each other to say, “You know what? Maybe we’re not as right for each other as we thought.”
Sex is the only thing in a relationship. NOT. AT. ALL. At the same time, I’ve been working with sexually unhappy couples long enough to know that if you don’t take your needs seriously, “snowflakes” have a way of turning into avalanches.
If he won’t go down on you, address it. If he’s not willing to budge, don’t feel bad for making a move… on someone who wouldn’t even dream of this being an issue in the first place.
And sis, there are PLENTY of men out here who are just like that. TRUST.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Egypt Sherrod & Mike Jackson On Love, Business, And Financial Transparency On The First Date
Egypt Sherrod and Mike Jackson have captivated us on their HGTV show, Married to Real Estate, and podcast Marriage and Money.
Now, they have teamed up with TurboTax to assist small business owners with tax and financial support. The couple met while working in radio, and now they own multiple businesses together. While working with your spouse can have its ups and downs, they wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Besides the fact that I get to work with the person I love doing what I love to do, right? There's the aspect of our daughters, seeing us work together as a unit and actually doing it successful,” Mike tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview
“So they get to grow up and experience what it is to be entrepreneurs from ground level, right? Because Mom and Dad did it, and they did it in such a way that I want to emulate, even if they don't decide to do exactly what we do, but they get to see it. That, to me, means a lot.”
But owning a business, whether separate or together, comes with a lot of responsibility and mistakes can often happen, especially for novice entrepreneurs. Egypt opens up about mistakes her and Mike experienced working in real estate.
“On our journey of entrepreneurship, we made a lot of mistakes. We spent money, we did things backwards, we learned the hard way through the school of hard knocks. There was no road map for us,” she says.
“So our goal by partnering with TurboTax is to really open the eyes of fellow entrepreneurs, to show them that, especially when it comes to your finances, your taxes, and getting that right, there is a faster, more cost effective, more accurate way of getting the support that you need.”
“On our journey of entrepreneurship, we made a lot of mistakes. We spent money, we did things backwards, we learned the hard way through the school of hard knocks. There was no road map for us."
Being tax compliant is among small business owners’ top concerns, but it's often time-consuming and research-intensive to figure out taxes on your own. TurboTax Business provides small business owners and solopreneurs access to unlimited live expert help to get your taxes prepared and filed.
When it comes to their marriage, the money conversation never goes away. The couple owns six businesses together, multiple properties, and are parents to three daughters. So when it comes down to finances, they believe in transparency, even dating back to their first date 21 years ago.
“Our first conversation about money was that, ‘hey, I don't have no money.’ Okay?,” Mike says. “Because there's been past relationships that are no longer existing. There's been things going on that I had to take care of and get through. So you're meeting a man that is pretty much starting from scratch again. How do you feel about it?”
At the time, Mike was newly divorced and had a small child. Egypt says she found his honesty “refreshing” and was looking for someone to build with, so his finances weren’t a problem for her. “If you're building anything, and that's like, first, second, third date, and you feel like, okay, this is someone I can be invested with, even beyond money, you have to just be honest about your circumstances,” Egypt shares.
“Our first conversation about money was that, ‘hey, I don't have no money.’ Okay?. Because there's been past relationships that are no longer existing. There's been things going on that I had to take care of and get through. So you're meeting a man that is pretty much starting from scratch again. How do you feel about it?”
“Otherwise you're building a house of cards that can fall at any minute, but I think money is one of the things. Finances are one of the things that even when people are in love, they still can't make it work and it breaks up marriages. It breaks up relationships because it's a stressor.
“So, yeah it is something that you want to ask about up front. What's your credit? How much do you earn? You don't have to be rich, but I just need to know if if the math is mathing.”
While they don’t believe you should have the money conversation on the first date, they do believe you should have it early to avoid any misunderstandings down the line.
To hear more about their story, check out their podcast, Marriage and Money and watch the new season of Married to Real Estate on HGTV.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
“So they get to grow up and experience what it is to be entrepreneurs from ground level, right? Because Mom and Dad did it, and they did it in such a way that I want to emulate, even if they don't decide to do exactly what we do, but they get to see it. That, to me, means a lot.”
But owning a business, whether separate or together, comes with a lot of responsibility and mistakes can often happen, especially for novice entrepreneurs. Egypt opens up about mistakes her and Mike experienced working in real estate.
“On our journey of entrepreneurship, we made a lot of mistakes. We spent money, we did things backwards, we learned the hard way through the school of hard knocks. There was no road map for us,” she says.
“So our goal by partnering with TurboTax is to really open the eyes of fellow entrepreneurs, to show them that, especially when it comes to your finances, your taxes, and getting that right, there is a faster, more cost effective, more accurate way of getting the support that you need.”
“On our journey of entrepreneurship, we made a lot of mistakes. We spent money, we did things backwards, we learned the hard way through the school of hard knocks. There was no road map for us."
Being tax compliant is among small business owners’ top concerns, but it's often time-consuming and research-intensive to figure out taxes on your own. TurboTax Business provides small business owners and solopreneurs access to unlimited live expert help to get your taxes prepared and filed.
When it comes to their marriage, the money conversation never goes away. The couple owns six businesses together, multiple properties, and are parents to three daughters. So when it comes down to finances, they believe in transparency, even dating back to their first date 21 years ago.
“Our first conversation about money was that, ‘hey, I don't have no money.’ Okay?,” Mike says. “Because there's been past relationships that are no longer existing. There's been things going on that I had to take care of and get through. So you're meeting a man that is pretty much starting from scratch again. How do you feel about it?”
At the time, Mike was newly divorced and had a small child. Egypt says she found his honesty “refreshing” and was looking for someone to build with, so his finances weren’t a problem for her. “If you're building anything, and that's like, first, second, third date, and you feel like, okay, this is someone I can be invested with, even beyond money, you have to just be honest about your circumstances,” Egypt shares.
“Our first conversation about money was that, ‘hey, I don't have no money.’ Okay?. Because there's been past relationships that are no longer existing. There's been things going on that I had to take care of and get through. So you're meeting a man that is pretty much starting from scratch again. How do you feel about it?”
“Otherwise you're building a house of cards that can fall at any minute, but I think money is one of the things. Finances are one of the things that even when people are in love, they still can't make it work and it breaks up marriages. It breaks up relationships because it's a stressor.
“So, yeah it is something that you want to ask about up front. What's your credit? How much do you earn? You don't have to be rich, but I just need to know if if the math is mathing.”
While they don’t believe you should have the money conversation on the first date, they do believe you should have it early to avoid any misunderstandings down the line.
To hear more about their story, check out their podcast, Marriage and Money and watch the new season of Married to Real Estate on HGTV.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy