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
Women, specifically women of color, are making their dreams come true and impacting their communities and the culture and we're killin' it. The number of businesses owned by Black women in the United States in 2018? 2.4 million! We've been building an impressive army of entrepreneurship, generational wealth, and influence while seemingly no one was paying attention. It can be asserted that Black women have been moving in silence, building lives and generations long before the idea snuck into song lyrics and subsequently cemented itself in popular culture as a life and business principle.
So what is it that sistas are doing and how are we doing it so well?
Sometimes we do more looking up to the smaller percentage of people who've become household names than we spend connecting with and learning from the wealth and experiences of those whose stars are steadily rising. So, I tapped 8 incredible Black women – I mean truly amazing, everyday women who walk, talk, live, and create in impactful ways. Women who see through the veneer of accolades straight to impact in its truest sense and form. Keep reading to find out why there is success in learning to move in silence.
Deanna M. Griffin, Co-Founder of Crownhunt
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence looks like doing the work instead of just talking about it. We live in an age where it's easy to position or brand yourself a certain way without having the sweat and receipts behind it. I like to focus on the results – brainstorming launches, developing timelines and budgets, identifying partners and collaborators, writing/editing/scheduling/promoting... whatever has to be done to get my ideas off the ground before I start bragging about the work. The celebration can come later.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Be transparent. If you are figuring it out, while making mistakes, share that. It's easy to think that "the hustle" means looking like you're killing it all the time. People are quickly turned off by that and it's devastating to come off as a fraud when you were just trying to "fake it 'til you make it". This is why we created the Crownhunt newsletter, which surprisingly doesn't focus on hair but on our journey to tell our inner Impostor Syndrome to STFU. We're hoping that our decision to be transparent will pay off.
Follow her on Instagram: @crownhunt
Princess “Coach P” Owens, Wellness Expert/Holistic Health Coach
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence for me is actively practicing wisdom and patience while I work the plan. You move with care and understand that it's not a secretive thing but a sacred experience. You don't just guard your visions/goals but it's an out guarding the process. Trust no one with your dreams but self and the creator. It's hard not to share the good parts. "Everyone else is flourishing and being magical, I want in".... but never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Social media is a space where your influence, value, and even likability is often attached to "wins". We often use these platforms to prove that we belong by being pretentious in our sharing. You can't fake energy. You may fake a lifestyle for a bit (even that will get exposed) but you can never fake magic. Trust that you will always belong – even as you are. Do the work in authenticity. Take care of YOU, so that you'll never lose YOU in the process. Be you.
Follow her on Twitter and Instagram: @coachpsays"Never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way."
Yetti Ajayi-Obe, Owner of YettiSays & Founder of Certified 10
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I actually have a love/hate relationship with this idea of "move in silence." I don't necessarily believe one should be shouting their every move from the rooftops, but I don't subscribe to the thoughts of every power move should be done in silence – unless you're Beyoncé, of course. I think us WOC, especially those of us that are wellness advocates, need to be more open and honest about the process of producing and creating, because truthfully, it takes a lot [out] of a person. I tend to "move in silence" naturally, but that's only because outside pressures and opinions do something ridiculous to my anxiety. I have an internal team I work with because they provide me the balance I need. But I think talking about the process can aid in making sure there are more of us Black and brown women sitting at the table.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
"Only you can do what you do. Only you can reach certain people. Only you can speak to your story. And by not doing what you're meant to do on this Earth, you're robbing this world of a service only you can provide." – I'm not sure if this is something my therapist coined, or if it's an official quote, but this is what I refer back to when pressure, anxiety, and whatever else interferes with my work. It's not about the numbers, the money, or the cool opportunities. It's about the reach, whether it be two people or two thousand. It has nothing to do with what the next person is doing. It's about your why, and what you're doing to fulfill it. Honest and authentic work will always trump whatever is being done for the looks of it.
Follow her on Twitter: @phenomenalyetti, Instagram: @yettisays
Jasmine Katrina Smith, Founder of Pure Communications & Co, Faith & Lifestyle blogger
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
"Moving in silence" to me means staying focused on my work and the quality of it. It looks like supporting a fellow influencer and/or entrepreneur while keeping my goals aligned to what God has instructed me to do. It's not always easy because comparison can come to defeat my progress, but I find solace in knowing I'm focused on exactly what God's last instructions were until we're ready to move forward to the next thing.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
If I could offer one tip, it would be to remember that we don't work to please man, we work to glorify God, and by doing so, that means we're called to produce fruit (ie: we should have results). Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @jkatrinasmith
"Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character."
Shayla Racquel, Writer, Director, Filmmaker
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, "moving in silence" doesn't necessarily mean to be secretive about my trajectory through the film industry. I think it means to have discretion and discernment about when, where, and how I announce my moves, and to allow my work and my work ethic to speak for itself. At times, it is difficult to move in silence. We feel like we have to make those grand announcements not for self-gratification, but to receive validation from others. I remember watching a Film Independent keynote address by Ava DuVernay, in which she talked about "desperation vs. doing." She said that we should never "ooze desperation," instead, we should make a way out of no way, and just do. "The only thing that moves you forward is your work," were her words, and as an independent filmmaker who is in the beginning stages of my career, those words were cemented in my spirit, and since hearing that, that is how I've decided to move.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Think of finding your work rhythm as building your foundation. You need a strong foundation to have something solid to stand upon – something you can always go back to, even if you want to start over with what you're building. When people concern themselves more so with how people "perceive" their work/work ethic rather than concerning themselves with their actual work, something is going to fall through the cracks. It gets harder and harder to keep up the facade when you actually aren't doing anything, and the truth will always be revealed in the end. Focus on your work, build your foundation, and don't concern yourself with what everyone else is doing – focus on you.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @ShaylaRacquel
Shefon Nachelle, Artist, Founder of Etcetera Creative
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I instinctively interpret it as "do more, say less". I realized that a part of my desire to make others aware of what was happening in my life, was about validation. That I, or my work, did not have meaning without the approval of others. That dangerous slope became a thief of my freedom, my creativity, and personal sense of value. "Moving in silence" is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing.
Of course it is not easy, but when I think about my personal icons, they are in deep trust of themselves and their work. So, I often consider what tasks I am taking up for myself and if they are driven by my desire for approval. Those that are not, allow for a personal peace that facilitates moving in silence.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I believe there are moments we grossly underestimate the time, work, and study required prior to regarding ourselves as an authority in any given field of work or subject matter. Sometimes even those labels, of entrepreneur and influencer, transport us to a place that often relies on deceptive exteriors and are disingenuous. The truth about learning craft is that we fail constantly, it takes a long time, and it is hardly ever as beautiful as our pre-planned photo shoots at our favorite coffee shops.
Even though I have spent almost ten years in design and most of my life as an artist, there is so much that I have yet to learn, to experience. My good internet friend, Ann Daramola, offers an urgent affirmation to "Face Your Work." That is the tip I would have wanted someone to give me. Just do the work. The hard work. The invisible work. The uninspiring work. The work is enough. In the words of astrologer, Chani Nicholas, "The only way to manifest epic projects is to bow deeply to your daily grind."
Follow her on all social media platforms: @shefonnachelle
"'Moving in silence' is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing."
Amber Gabrielle, Founder of Oh She Went Global, CEO of The Lit Lady
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, it means that I spend more time putting my head down and doing the work instead of blabbing about it every step of the way. This doesn't mean that I never say anything about my current projects, but boundaries must exist. This concept has been drilled into my head since childhood, and I shall pass it on to my future children. For the most part, it's easy for me to do more than I talk, because I see people on social media who DON'T practice this and frankly, it's nauseating. I don't want to be the nauseating girl. Haha! I've noticed that this concept of "moving in silence" has gotten pushback in recent months, and people will assume that you're elusive, or a failure, if you don't post what you have going on. Well, others may choose to blab their plans from here to Addis Ababa, but I'll continue to keep quiet until I have results worth speaking about. Then, and only then, will I talk about what I've been doing, in hopes of providing wisdom and value to those coming after me.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I feel that sometimes, the ambitious community consumes unbelievable amounts of information, but does very little when it comes to applying that information to everyday life. It's one thing to post pretty, inspirational memes on Instagram and tweet quotes from the book You Are a Badass; it's quite another to take all the advice you're constantly being hit with, and intentionally make it useful to you. So, I challenge everyone reading this to think of the last piece of information you consumed that you found valuable…I mean valuable to the point where you highlighted it, posted it with a YAAAAAS caption, sent it to your momma and her prayer group, all that. Take that piece of information, advice, whatever it is, and commit to implementing it in your life for the rest of the year. I would absolutely LOVE to hear what your results are!
Mia Jones-Walker, Digital Media Specialist & Mental Health Advocate
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence is a process of waiting patiently for the manifestation to come forth, pursuing purpose with due diligence. It consists of putting in the work and fulfilling my tasks at hand without seeking external validation from my peers or calling attention to me doing the work. It's not easy to move in silence when you consider our natural need for acceptance – we want to be recognized (often prematurely) for each increment in the process but that congrats cannot supplant taming the steps we still must walk out. Premature applause can cause us to become short sighted on the full journey ahead. Moving in silence requires a resilient attitude, enduring without despairing, or envying whoever surpasses you in achieving their goals.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Know that discipline is the key to moving forward. Set your pace realistically according to your interest (how often you want to engage your audience balanced with the demands of your life) and give yourself grace to take a breather when you need to!
Featured image by Jasmine Katrina.
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
Originally published January 14, 2019
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Something that’s really cool about having friends for more than a decade of time is you literally get to watch each other grow, shift, and even transform — this includes spiritually, emotionally, professionally, relationally, and yes, physically. When it comes to my male friends, what has been beyond fascinating on the sexual tip (which is pretty much where the relational and physical “meet”) is how horny they seemed to be in their 20s and early to mid-30s vs. how they get once they hit about 36 or 37.
Don’t get me wrong, they still like sex (a lot). It’s just that…many of them start talking about having less energy, not being as consumed by getting some all of the time, and even gaining weight (as some start to lose their hair too).
Hmm…isn’t it interesting that whenever women start going through changes once they reach their mid-30s to early 40s, we automatically tack menopause (or perimenopause) onto them and yet, when men are experiencing their own “modifications,” we don’t quickly associate a word for them — even though there is one? And that word, my friends, is andropause.
If you’ve never heard of andropause before (or you have but you’re not exactly sure what it means), I’m going to do my best to break it down for you over the next few minutes. Because just like menopause is pretty much an unavoidable season of life for us, andropause is the exact same thing for the men in your world. Science has proven it.
So, What Is Andropause All About?
If you really paid attention to all that I said in the intro, I’m sure some of you are like, “Okay, so andropause is basically ‘male menopause’” — and to a large extent, you would be correct. Still, probably the best way to explain andropause is it’s the stage in a man’s life when his testosterone levels begin to significantly drop (which is also known as hypogonadism which is why andropause is oftentimes called age-related hypogonadism). Although some health experts say that this begins to happen to men once they hit the age of 50, others say that around 40 is when testosterone begins to decrease on a pretty noticeable level.
The reason why this is super relevant is because a drop in testosterone can impact a man’s health on a myriad of different levels. That’s because testosterone is a hormone that is responsible for things like:
- Developing and maintaining genitalia
- Developing and maintaining muscle mass
- Developing and maintaining bone density
- Keeping one’s sex drive at an optimal level
- Stimulating the production of sperm
Okay, so what are some pretty clear indicators that a man may be producing less testosterone than he has in the past?
- A low(er) libido
- Going through the challenges of maintaining a (strong) erection
- Accumulating more body fat
- Having less bone and muscle mass
- Possibly having a (slightly) smaller penis and/or set of testicles
- Shifts in moods when it comes to handling stress and anxiety
- Hair loss
- Hot flashes (yes, hot flashes)
- Experiencing erratic sleep patterns
- Super dry skin
- Experiencing excessive sweating
- Having a lowered sense of self-esteem
Now, for accuracy’s sake, I think it’s important to share that even though men losing testosterone over time is pretty much inevitable, most lose somewhere around one percent (some experts say it’s more like 1.6 percent) per year between the ages of 30-40 and, by the time they turn 70, they drop is about 30 percent beneath what their hormone levels actually should be.
This is important to put on record because it shows that just like menopause isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” experience for women, andropause isn’t for men — some will go through more drastic changes than others and it may not be until they are much older before the changes are highly significant.
How Is Andropause Diagnosed and Treated?
Okay, so what if a guy is experiencing a few of the symptoms that I just mentioned? How can he find out if it’s directly connected to andropause? Listen, something that I am a fan of both men and women doing around the age of 40 is getting their hormone levels checked. Similar to how people can find out a lot about how their body responds/reacts to food by taking a food allergy test, to me, a hormone test is similarly beneficial. What I mean by that is, so often, something can be going on with us physically and we’re tempted to slightly freak out when, if we simply took a hormone test, we would get the clarity that we are seeking.
So yeah, if a man in your life doesn’t quite “feel like himself,” an appointment to check his levels would be a really wise move. That usually consists of him discussing his family history and taking a blood test (preferably in the morning when T cells are at their highest). For the record, there are also at-home hormone tests that are available; however, in order to get the most thorough results, a full examination by a physician is best.
What Are Some Home Remedies for Andropause?
And what if “he” does end up being diagnosed with andropause? Are there some all-natural approaches that he can take? Absolutely.
Take certain supplements. If the men in your life aren’t already taking a multivitamin, ASAP would be a great time for them to start. One reason is because three nutrients that are usually in them are zinc, magnesium, and vitamin D and those are really effective when it comes to maintaining testosterone levels. Another supplement that’s also worth considering is DHEA; it helps to increase the production of testosterone.
Tweak the diet (a bit). Thankfully, there are foods that help to increase testosterone levels as well. Some of them include dark leafy greens, fatty fish, ginger, pomegranates, avocados, egg yolks, olive oil, cocoa and even honey. While we’re on the subject, foods that should be consumed in more moderation include processed food (meaning junk food), mint, soy-based foods (because they are a phytoestrogen), dairy, and high carbs like pastries.
Maintain a healthy weight. Something that is pretty irrefutable when it comes to maintaining a healthy level of testosterone is thatthe larger someone’s waist is, the easier it is for testosterone levels to drop. In fact, some studies reveal that 40 percent of obese nondiabetic men and 50 percent of obese diabetic men have low testosterone levels. Moral to the story: encourage him to keep his weight under control.
Exercise. Aside from eating a healthy diet, definitely the easiest and fastest way to lose weight is to exercise 30-45 minutes at least three days a week. As far as testosterone levels go, research reveals that it’s another way to increase it too (albeit somewhat temporarily). So, you know what that means, right? Working out in the gym and then rewarding that by “working out” in the bedroom can help you to get the most out of a man’s testosterone levels. Hell, come to think of it…yours too.
Take power naps. Sleep deprivation is problematic on so many levels. Not only is it tied to health-related issues like heart disease, strokes, obesity, depression, and depression, but a lack of adequate rest can also throw off hormone levels. One study even said that after a week of only five hours of sleep per night, young men’s testosterone levels decreased by as much as 10-15 percent. So, even if the man in your life can’t get a consistent 6-8 hours of shut-eye in, encourage him to at least take a power nap of 15-20 minutes a day. It can do wonders.
Limit the alcohol intake. Although there are some ways that alcohol can actually benefit your health and well-being (check out “10 Ways Alcohol Can Be Good For You Past A Great Buzz”), it definitely shouldn’t be enjoyed in excess. Also, if the goal is to increase testosterone levels, it might need to be done away with altogether. That’s because research shows that alcohol has the ability to disrupt testosterone production to the point where it can tank testosterone levels, contribute to erectile dysfunction, and lower a man’s sex drive.
Monitor BPA consumption levels too. Bisphenol A (BPA) is a chemical that basically mimics estrogen. Since estrogen is the hormone that we as women naturally process (far more than men just like they produce way more testosterone in their system than we do), it would make sense that BPA would affect things like testosterone production and a man’s sperm count. Since, unfortunately, BPA is featured in some packaging products and plastics, before purchasing items, read the labels to make sure that they specifically say that they are BPA-free.
3 Tips for Supporting Your Man As He Goes Through Andropause
Something else that isn’t discussed enough: supporting men as they go through andropause, just like they should support us as we go through menopause. As I close this out, I’ve got a few ways to do that.
1. Do your own research on andropause. Just like new intel comes out on menopause, andropause can’t be covered in just one article. So, now that you know that andropause is indeed a thing, help the men in your life out by researching the topic and sharing what you find out. Lowered testosterone isn’t any man’s favorite topic of discussion; however, the more they know, the easier it will be to adjust to their life transitions.
2. Encourage him to get his hormones tested. It can’t be said enough that a guy who is around 40 (or a guy who is experiencing the symptoms that I mentioned, regardless of his age) should check his hormone levels. If the men/man in your life would prefer to do it from the convenience and privacy of his own home, Everlywell is a pretty trusted brand (although the test ain’t cheap). He can purchase their Men’s Health Testhere.
3. Remember the Golden Rule (especially now). If the guy who is going through andropause is also the man who you are (currently) sleeping with, please remember the Golden Rule of treating him the way that you would want to be treated. Meaning, you wouldn’t want it constantly pointed out if you were experiencing vaginal dryness, hot flashes, or less of a desire for sex — so, why would he want to have endless conversations about struggling to maintain an erection (sometimes), gaining weight or feeling like his penis is not as big as it once seemed? The reality is that hormonal changes are eventually coming for us all. Having compassion and expressing empathy are effective ways to maintain emotional closeness and trust.
___
Andropause. Like I said earlier, although the topic doesn’t come up a ton, I hope you now see why it should. It really is time out for the spotlight to only be on us and what we go through when it comes to time and hormones. Men should be a part of the chat too — since both of those things also affect them…and ultimately us too.
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Featured image by onurdongel/Getty Images