Boss Hates You? Here's What You Should Do

1. Think hard about whether they really do "hate" you or whether you're projecting an insecurity.

Projection, in this case, is a psychological concept where a person displaces their own feelings of insecurity onto someone else. Sometimes, this can happen at work. You might project because there’s something within that you haven’t really dealt with—a hard truth about your abilities, a feeling of not being good enough, or other self-esteem issues.

I once felt this way at a job, early in my career, and thought the problem was my boss. I’d often get defensive when they offered constructive criticism or called me out on something I’d clearly done incorrectly. In reality, my boss wanted the best for me all along.

They were never disrespectful and always tried to endear themselves to me, but I had a huge chip on my shoulder due to a perfectionist complex. I just couldn’t fathom that I needed mentorship or to improve because I’d always been the honor student or the “mama’s girl” growing up. I was quite a brat at the time, to be totally honest.

Sometimes, it’s not our boss who has the problem. It’s within us. A few talks with a mentor, fueled mostly by complaints about my “horrible boss,” led to a realization that I had to humble myself and really be open to feedback. I had to refocus on professionalism and remember the bottom line of what I was hired to do.

Now, if this isn’t the case, and your boss truly is being abusive, toxic, or indifferent toward you in some way, proceed to step 2.

2. Have a heart-to-heart with your manager. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Keep it professional, sis. While you want to find out what might be behind the negative vibes you're getting from your boss, you don't want to put someone on the defense or give them the opportunity to gaslight you. If you don't already have scheduled one-on-ones with your supervisor, get on their calendar or invite them to have coffee on-site with you during a break. (I'm not a huge fan of meeting a manager or supervisor you think doesn't like you outside of the office. It's just a risky thing to do and could go left very quickly in terms of optics, potential for further drama, or even avoidable scandal.)

Let them know that it's important that you gain a bit of insight on your work and any areas of improvement. Again, shift the tone of the situation. Accept the possibility that you might be totally reading your boss wrong, or there might be a very valid reason you're getting less-than-favorable energy from them.

As a manager, I can attest to how we can sometimes be misunderstood. Someone might think I'm being "hard" on them when I'm really just trying to do my job. I might have even saved this particular person from the chopping block and, in those efforts, sought to help them improve. As a servant leader, I want the best for those I lead, whether I "like" them or not. Being a manager or supervisor isn't easy, and oftentimes people forget that. We're human, too.

Sometimes, managers are under an extreme amount of stress, so their interactions can be led by that. Maybe they're not so personable or "nice" because they really don't have the time or energy to be. That's not your fault, and it's no excuse for bad behavior, however, understanding this will inform how you approach solving a perceived problem.

Some issues are tied to personality as well, so keep that in mind. I've always been an ambitious leader and a straight-shooter---whether a manager or otherwise---which can be off-putting to some. Sometimes I have to be more self-aware in my interactions with certain people and adjust, even if I don't agree with their perception of me. I don't always have to be "right" or always speak out assertively about something.

I can boldly lead without alienating other bold, leading personalities in the office or intimidating other more timid, introverted (but powerful) personalities as well. I wouldn't have known this had I not given a manager the opportunity to express this or at least had conversations with others to find out how I'm perceived.

During a one-on-one, I once told a manager that I don't like being micromanaged and that I'd spoken out of turn during a meeting because I had a passion for the subject matter. We came to a middle ground, and I was able to advance at that company. (I was even eventually added as a co-lead on an initiative.) Working with this person got so much easier after a simple, respectful conversation.

If you don't feel confident enough to have the conversation, that's okay, too. Do a mock run with a mentor, loved one, coach, or friend you trust and admire so you can prep for the real conversation.

3. Take the personal out and deal with the facts. Report to HR or other authorities if the situation calls for that.

If No. 2 hasn't led to a resolution, document tangible facts and actions that led to the conclusion that your boss doesn't like you. Have they been disrespectful, combative, or unprofessional when interacting with you? Have you been threatened? Are they taking credit for your work? Are they forcing you to work overtime without pay or guilting you into working after hours? Have you been overlooked to work on projects that you've clearly been hired to work on based on your job title and duties?

Of course, if you feel physically unsafe, disengage and take the appropriate legal or law enforcement-related action. But if it's an issue of a manager who is simply doing unnecessarily outrageous things at work that make your job harder and might stunt your career advancement, talk with a mentor or coach first to figure out the right plan of action.

Depending on your company's protocols, take your grievances to your human resources department, or your bosses' boss. Document instances of unprofessional behavior and how it actually impacts your work. Advocate for yourself. It might seem scary, but there needs to be a paper trail if things have gone too far.

I once was facing an issue with a boss I thought disliked me. She'd often be dismissive in her tone, avoided answering emails in a timely fashion, and even tried to get me fired behind my back. (I found out from another manager who I had a good relationship with.)

Once again, a mentor came in a clutch. This one was a banking executive who knew office politics all too well. "When you go to HR, don't lead with the problems. Ask them how you can best navigate and learn from the situation. Shift the tone. Then present what you've documented and tell them exactly how it impacts your actual work quality."

Well, it worked. Not only did the HR professional soften up a bit listening to my side of things, but she gave me some very useful tips on how to interact with my boss, who was new at the time. (Turns out, managing up was the solution, which I enjoyed because it actually gave me more leadership experience, which led to my own promotion years later.)

She also had a chat with my boss, and it clearly was a good one that didn't backfire on me. I ended up working under that manager for several years, and today, the professional is actually someone I admire. I learned a lot from working with her.

When The Problem's Simply Your Boss, Not You

Sometimes, it's not a specific issue, per se. Some workplace pairings are simply not a good fit, and no matter how great you are at what you do or how many times you've had one-on-ones with your manager, it's simply a lost cause. And that's okay. It's not a failure when you have to either transfer to a different department or leave a company altogether. It's a simple reality, and it happens to the best of us.

If this is the case, and you've exhausted all reasonable efforts to get clarity and resolve actual issues, it's time to put that exit plan together or simply quit. Trust that your steps are ordered and take that leap toward another dream company, career, or lifestyle that truly aligns with the greatness and fullness of life.

Nobody has time to waste trying to resolve conflicts that are pointless and counterproductive. Sometimes, you just have to let God have it and move on. I've witnessed several instances where walking away was the best option, and eventually, that particular manager was removed or forced to leave. Sometimes, people learn the hard way that they need mental health help, a lot more leadership training, or a pivot into a more fitting occupation, company, or role. It's not always about "fault" but about fit.

Thinking (or knowing) your boss dislikes you can be daunting, but you don't have to live with that dread every day. Confidently seek resolutions that not only affirm how great of a professional you are but also your own values connected to self-care, self-discovery, and self-realization in order to offer your best to the world.

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