Anxiety is dangerous territory. Or at least it can be. It's an imbalance; a facade that seems to point and laugh at all that we are made up of. And what's worse, it's easily triggered and has the power to alter your day, obliterate your mood, and tank your mental state. If you're like me, someone with frequent anxious periods, your coping mechanisms are necessary to identify. They likely include habitual calming practices, meditation, and more—all very known serene methods of disrupting mental disarray.
But sis, the good news is there are plenty of ways to ease your anxiety out there. The key is find what works best for you. For example, there's the EFT Tapping Method, which helps you balance out the energy in your body by tapping on different energy meridian and/or high-pressure points. You can slow down, take a moment, and control your breathing by inhaling and exhaling in accordance to this chart:
Meditation, of course, is also great practice for anxiety. So, throwing on Shelah Marie's Meditation Mixtape, which has the tools and coaching to successfully guiding your thoughts and tension back into their proper places, is sure to help calm your senses as well.
But for some of us, choosing to curl up with a good ole book and glass of wine is the way to find your whole self again. And we decided to help us all out by starting a good reference point.
Here's a list of books that will help get your anxiety all the way together:
*Some links are affiliate links. If you make a purchase, xoNecole may earn a small commission.
'I Got This! 30 Day Tips For Black Women With Anxiety Or Depression' by Latoya Johnson-Foster
Amazon
Latoya Johnson-Foster, a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Chicago, specializes in anxiety, depression, and marital and premarital counseling. She takes us all on a journey through mental instability, to help black women identify their symptoms of anxiety and/or depression, whilst teaching coping mechanisms to begin managing their symptoms.
'The Sisters Are Alright: Changing the Broken Narrative of Black Women in America' by Tamara Winfrey Harris
Amazon
"We have facets like diamonds, the trouble is the people who refuse to see us sparkling."
What better way to calm your mind than to be reminded how amazing you are? Tamara Winfrey Harris does just that as she dives head first into mental health, marriage, motherhood, beauty, and more, taking calculated shots at the stereotypes that collude black women. She disproves straight-up lies, and endearingly tells the truth about what it means to be a black woman.
This book is a hug and love letter to self--as well as all the women who look like you.
'The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health' by Rheeda Walker, PhD
Amazon
Written by Rheeda Walker, PhD, this guide book has taken the world by storm. And as she states, we simply just cannot deny mental health plagues anymore.
The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health explores Black mental health, the forces that have undermined mental health progress for African-Americans, and what needs to happen for African-Americans to heal psychological distress, find community, and undo years of stigma and marginalization in order to access effective mental health care, in today's world.
It's time to prioritize and take our mind state seriously, and this book is sure to do so without caring who gets mad.
'I'm Telling the Truth, But I'm Lying' by Bassey Ikpi
Amazon
Deemed an instant New York Time's Best Seller, I'm Telling the Truth, but I'm Lying is the story of a Nigerian-American immigrant: a black woman, a slam poet, a mother, a daughter, an artist—told through the lens of her mental health and diagnosis of bipolar II and anxiety. Her remarkable memoir in essays implodes our preconceptions of the mind and normalcy as Ikpi bares her own truths and lies for us all to behold with radical honesty and brutal intimacy.
This book has stacked a laundry list of accolades, all while shining the light on black women and anxiety.
'The Black Girl's Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds' by Nijima Smalls
Amazon
Nijiama Smalls is all too familiar with the suffering of black girls and shares her personal journey of uncovering the origin of Black girl trauma while also addressing the ongoing process of healing and recovery from wounds caused by past hurts.The beauty of this book is that it provides a prescription for healing in the form of a soul-cleansing process. Enter this journey so that you can be set free to live the life God has planned for you.
Because as she says, "Sis, it's time to heal and end the suffering."
'All About Love' by bell hooks
Popsugar
In a world where we are exposed to so much hatefulness, All About Love is a revelation about what causes a polarized society and how to heal the divisions that cause suffering. Here is the truth about love, and inspiration to help us all instill care, compassion, and strength in our homes, schools, and workplaces.
MUCH needed.
'Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel for Grown Ups' by Jayne Allen
Amazon
"I wrote 'Black Girls Must Die Exhausted' because, as a black woman, I wanted to see a recognizable version of myself reflected in accessible and relatable contemporary fiction. My goal was a story that could make us feel, make us laugh, make us think, and make us proud."
A fun and adventurous read, Black Girls Must Die Exhausted takes on a new, lighthearted approach to anxiety. Set in Los Angeles, Tabby Walker's journey entertains readers with an intimate view of the experience and effects of race, complicated romance, and contemporary womanhood.
Or basically, the shit we're all dealing with.
'More Than Enough: Claiming Space for Who You Are (No Matter What They Say)' by Elaine Welteroth
And what would a black girl's book list be without Elaine Welteroth's More Than Enough? One of the best books of 2019. Highly celebrated, and well-deserved.
Welteroth moves beyond the headlines and highlight reels to share the profound lessons and struggles of being a barrier-breaker across so many intersections. As a young boss, and often the only black woman in the room, she's had enough of the world telling her—and all women—they're not enough. As she learns to rely on herself by looking both inward and upward, we're ultimately reminded that we're more than enough.
This book covers so much of who we are and what we deal with on a day-to-day basis. Welteroth brilliantly tells us her story, with a happy ending to finally put our nerves to bed.
Featured image via Amazon
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The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Anyway, in my personal opinion, when it comes to sexual activity, there should also be etiquette that should be applied — you know, “rules of conduct” (or engagement) for how we should expect to be treated and how we choose to treat others. Because, even if you don’t hear about sex being presented in the form of needing to have manners, having a certain level of decorum, and/or requiring a mutual level of dignity, that should absolutely be the case.
And just like some of the lifestyle etiquette tips that I learned back in the day have stayed with me all of this time, it’s my hope that if you aren’t applying (or requiring) the following 10 sex etiquette suggestions (all 10 of ‘em too) that you will start…so that they will remain with you as well.
1. Discuss Sex-Related Things That Will Directly Impact Y’all’s Health
GiphyDoes even one day go by when someone on Instagram, X, or TikTok isn’t talking about why someone should or should not know another person’s body count (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”)? Although I have been known to say that the kind of things we’re proud of, we tend to brag about without hesitation, that doesn’t mean that I think people are owed that type of information.
That being said, that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that there is science to back up that the more sex partners men have, the more that they increase their chances for being diagnosed with cancer; that a higher amount of sex partners can impact whether or not you get married (and that it tends to lead to divorce more often as well), and that an uptick in partners can even increase your chance of becoming a substance abuser.
Not to mention the fact that, as Dwayne Wayne once said on A Different World episode (that featured a great performance by Tisha Campbell), “the longer the list, the greater the risk” (of contracting an STI/STD) — however, if we’re looking at this point from nothing more than a sexual one, really what someone deserves to know is if you’ve been tested for STI/STDs within the past 6-12 months and, if not, if you’re willing to get tested prior to having sex with them. Anything else really is privileged information and totally up to the individual to share — both directions too.
2. This Includes Afterplay. Beforehand.
GiphyChile. I can’t tell you how many times someone has told me that they found themselves either embarrassed or flat-out pissed about how a sexual experience went. It wasn’t because of the sex itself; it was more about how things were handled afterward. Now, if you’ve never seen the (wow) 35-year-old film When Harry Met Sally (Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan) before, there’s a scene where Billy Crystal’s character talks about men trying to figure out in their mind how long they should hold a woman after having sex with her.
To me, the modern version of this is after sex, when someone asks, “So, what are you about to do?” because that sounds like code for, “You ain’t got to go home but…” Listen, when two people have real feelings for each other and/or are in a long-term dynamic, this point is — or at least, should be — pretty irrelevant.
However, if you’re in a casual sex dynamic or a situationship, I promise you you're putting yourself in a position to “feel some type of way” if you merely assume that afterplay means cuddling all night long while he thinks it’s more like polite convo for 10 minutes and then bouncing (or vice versa). If you don’t want to be bedside blindsided, discuss beforehand how you each prefer to get down.
3. Ask Before Sexting
GiphyI don’t care if the two of you have never had sex before or if you’ve been doing it for a while at this point, but if sexting has never (pardon the pun) entered the chat, you both really should ask before you start sending NSFW stuff into each other’s devices. Some people don’t like it. Some people prefer to know when stuff like that is coming because they don’t want what is being said or shown to be exposed to those around them.
Some people prefer not to “shift gears” (as far as their energy field is concerned) when it comes to being in one mindset and all of a sudden receiving sex-related content that they weren’t prepared for. Believe it or not, there is data to support that the art of sexting can improve coitus overall. However, the same research says that it needs to transpire under the umbrella of mutual respect and clear communication. I agree 1000 percent.
4. No Means No. This Applies to Us Too, Ladies.
GiphyMedia culture can be so…irresponsible, sometimes. Since we’re talking about sex, specifically, today, take when it comes to men and sex. Contrary to popular belief, no, that is not all that they think about and no, they aren’t always in the mood — for a myriad of reasons. And that’s why, I think it also should go on record that just like it’s wrong for a man to try and push a woman past her “no,” women shouldn’t do it either.
It truly isn’t said enough that you shouldn’t simply call it seduction if a guy doesn’t want to and you keep trying to get him to anyway while defining it as coercion when the shoe is on the other foot. The saying “no means no” shouldn’t have a gender bias on it. Everyone should have their boundaries respected — at all times too. Full stop.
5. A Clean and Comfortable Scene
GiphyFresh bedding. A clean bathroom. A washcloth and towel for your partner. Flip-flops (to walk around and/or take a shower in). Lubricant. Bottled water. These are the kinds of things that immediately come to mind when I think of what should automatically come with someone spending intimate time in your home. It’s also what you should be fine with requiring should you choose to have sex at someone else’s house too.
Because even if there aren’t things like scented soy candles and a ton of ambiance, you and your partner at least need to feel like you both are in a space that is clean. This should be a hands-down non-negotiable, by the way.
6. Turn ALL Devices Off
GiphyI don’t know if this means that the sex is/was really wack or you’re just a phone addict in denial but if you are “one out of every five individuals” who checks their phone during sex, I’ve got a bevy of questions for you. SMDH. For this one, in general, though, I don’t have a lot more to say other than, I don’t know how anyone could think that checking their notifications during sex — any kind of sex — isn’t rude as hell and definitely a reason for someone to hard pass on wanting to “engage” with them ever again.
So yeah, for this one, let’s go with an automatic “all devices off” rule. Since most people only want sex to last somewhere between 7-13 minutes anyway (is that per round…or???), I’m pretty sure that whatever IG Live that you’ve been waiting on can wait. Goodness.
7. Have Your Own Stash of Condoms on Deck
GiphyAssuming that the guy should always bring the condoms is about as sexually irresponsible as a guy thinking that he doesn’t need them because the woman he’s about to have sex with should be on birth control. My point here is that you really need to have your own condom collection. One, so that you’re always prepared. Two, so that you can select the condoms that you prefer (most guys are totally fine with that). Three, no matter what you might think that it implies, mature folks get that it means you are serious about protecting your health and well-being.
And what if discretion is what you’re the most concerned about? No worries, there are all kinds of condom carriers out here that basically look like tiny wallets (for example, here).
8. Keep Cleansing Cloths Around
GiphyHygiene is important, is it not? Although going into graphic detail about it may be something that most people would want to avoid, sometimes sexual activity happens spontaneously with no bathroom close by. And listen, even if the movies act like (for instance) oral sex after getting all sweaty from dancing all night in the club is hot, my mind automatically goes to it being kinda gross. So, at least keep some rinse-free cleansing cloths on deck if you don’t want to wait until you can hop into a shower. A pack in your purse or glove compartment can go a really long way. Straight up.
9. Don’t Be a Show-Off
GiphyOne guy who I had sex with back when I was in college, I was so excited about — initially. At the time, he was fine, and then some mo’ fine. To be honest, although we were very cool and spent a couple of years on campus together before I — eh hem — indulged, the main reason why I wanted to sleep with him is because I thought that his looks were a preview of his performance level. Boy was I wrong. Any time I refer to our, umm, time together, I call it “Cirque du Soleil sex” and even that is being generous because that man was trying to put me into every twist and turn that he could in under 20 minutes.
It’s like he was trying to prove that he could hold it down…and all that ended up doing was backfiring — supremely so. Moral to the story here: sex should be about two people enjoying each other, not low-key trying to compete or “outdo” one another. Anyone who says otherwise is truly bringing poor form to the bedroom, whether they realize it or not.
10. Watch Your Words. Afterwards.
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, if sex with your partner was pretty much the equivalent of watching paint dry, it’s still important to be thoughtful about what you say. Lack of empathy, being inconsiderate of their feelings, talking to them in a way that would damn near cause you to blow a gasket (or melt into the floor) if they did the same thing to you — all of this files under hella rude behavior.
And while we’re here, please watch your body language — you know, heavy sighs, eye-rolling, stonewalling…if you don’t want to have sex with them again, that is totally your right; that doesn’t mean that you have to humiliate them in the present, though. You know, A LOT of people carry their ego in the bedroom — male and female.
That’s why I write articles like “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not” and “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed).” So, whatever transpires, try to be kind and compassionate. Karma shows up, even in the bedroom. Make sure it’s proud of how you handled yourself. One way or another, you’ll be glad that you did.
____
Sex etiquette. As you can see, it’s a very real and necessary thing. I’m curious, though. When you get a chance, hop in the comments to share some other “copulation manners” that you think are important, along with how you handle matters when they are missing or go awry. Hey, when it comes to having better sexual experiences, we’re all in this together.
Kinda. Sort of. You know what I mean. LOL.
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Featured image by Drazen Zigic/Getty Images