The first time that I had ever heard of Be The Match was years ago when Good Morning America co-host Robin Roberts announced her cancer diagnosis.
In the campaign that acted as a 30-second television spot, Roberts said, “I have a chance to survive blood cancer because my big sister answered 'yes' to being my marrow donor. You can join the Be The Match Registry today at BeTheMatch.org, and stand ready to cure someone with a disease like leukemia."
It was a powerful call-to-action that made me feel some type of way about resting on my laurels as opposed to doing what I can for those in need. The potential to be someone's cure really spoke to me. I found myself signing up to register as a donor in the registry shortly after.
But I stopped myself from continuing with the process after receiving some input from my mother who felt that it was a painful process and just something that black people just “don't do". That phrase is something that stops us in our tracks as a community a lot, sometimes to our detriment – that day five years ago was no different.
The Urgent Need for Diversity in Bone Marrow Donors
My encounters with Be The Match came full circle for me the other day when I received an email from a representative who felt like Black History Month would be the perfect time to relay a message to our readers that was a simple, clear, yet resounding, “We need you." Even though Roberts' campaign led to over 40,000 new donors signing up, there is still an undeniable void amongst one group of people in the registry: black people.
Patients are most likely to match a donor that closely shares their ancestry. Black people have historically had the lowest odds of finding a match compared to other populations in the registry. Why? Because…
- Black people have the most diverse genetic tissue types compared to other ethnicities.
- Not enough black people volunteer as bone marrow donors in the registry.
Currently, we only make up 6% of the registry, which is a far cry from the 51% that account for white people in the registry. As the global leader of umbilical cord blood transplants and bone marrow transplants, Be The Match is often the only hope for patients looking to find a cure for blood-related cancers like leukemia and lymphoma, as well as sickle cell anemia, and other anemic/blood disorders. It should be noted that bone marrow is so far the only cure out there for sickle cell anemia.
Since we just make up 6% of donors in the registry, bone marrow transplants that are a match can be hard for many patients to find. And, without access to qualifying donors, a cure is less likely for recipients to find. You would think that if you have siblings, you'd be covered, like in Roberts case where her sister was a match for her and her cancer was cured.
But Roberts is the exception, not the rule. In fact, 70% of patients do not have a fully matched marrow donor in their family, which is why Be The Match is so pivotal to offering a cure to those in dire need of finding a viable marrow transplant, like Shaunise Robinson for example.
The Importance of Be The Match
Shaunise Robinson at an Aplastic Anemia Awareness drive
Shaunise Robinson is a 27-year-old third grade teacher who believes her life purpose is to help children through education. The mother of one (a son who turned 4 this month) is a doctoral-degree candidate at Texas A&M. But this past fall, a fulfilled life took an unexpected turn when in November 2016, Shaunise was officially diagnosed with aplastic anemia, a really rare blood disorder that causes all of her blood counts to be severely low, causing severe fatigue, shortness of breath, a very weak immune system, and profuse bleeding (because blood cannot clot).
Eventually, her bone marrow may not be able to make enough new blood cells, which can lead to many more health problems, including an enlarged heart, irregular heartbeats, heart failure, infections, bleeding, and even death.
Regarding the disorder, Shaunise says:
“They don't know how this happened, they don't know where it came from. In most cases, you'll never really find out how you got it, it just happens. It doesn't run in your family. It has nothing to do with that."
She remembers being in the middle of teaching a class when she got the call that confirmed all her concerns about her health. Earlier in that week, she had gone to her OBGYN and explained an issue she had been having with profuse bleeding. After years of feeling like something was off with her body, but being told again and again that everything was fine, her OBGYN went above and beyond by taking her blood count to find the root of her problems. Tests were ran and her blood counts were revealed to be severely low. She had to rush to the hospital immediately. Doctors believed it was some form of cancer, but after extracting a bone marrow biopsy from her back, they found the real culprit to her health issues: aplastic anemia.
After being connected to a larger hospital, Shaunise was also given the information and connected with Be The Match. She started hosting drives to find a donor and began her journey of raising awareness for the organization and giving a voice to the voiceless, because oftentimes, patients with blood-related illnesses and diseases are young children who can't speak up for themselves.
Shaunise has no donor, can't teach her students (due to potential illnesses she could catch) who miss her as much as she misses them, but she still manages to have an incredible and giving spirit in the midst of her hardship. During my brief call with her, I noticed that her light was undeniable and absolutely radiated, even during a time where most would be overcome by darkness. “I have a lot of faith that I'm going to find a donor and that everything's going to be fine. I feel like I have a purpose and a lot of things I still have to accomplish in life. So, I really don't think negatively about it. I think about it like everything happens for a reason. I'm able to tell people about it that maybe would never have known about it and they're able to join the registry and help someone else. I always think about it that way and that everything happens for a reason and that God's purpose was for me to have this. I don't know the exact reason why, but I know there's a reason why this happened to me."
"I want to make the best of it. I want to raise awareness so that me going through this isn't in vain."
What the Bone Marrow Donation Process Is Really Like
Aside from not knowing about Be The Match, I realized a common theme that stops people from signing up is the fear of the process. People hear the words “extraction", hear about the long needle, hesitance goes into overdrive, and they aren't willing to donate bone marrow at all. I don't blame them, I too fell victim to believing the hype that the procedure was far too painful to endure and thus wiped my hands of the possibility of it. However, former Villanova University defensive back CJ Logan sang a different tune for me.
The now 23-year-old New York-based financial advisor was on the Villanova University football team back in the spring of 2013 when he signed up for the registry. At the time, he was on a football team led by Coach Talley, who believed in giving back to the community in any way that they could and who had a close personal connection to the message of the Be The Match foundation.
After submitting a cheek swab for the registry, CJ wouldn't get a call about a bone marrow donation until two years later in the fall of 2015, during his senior year. He got a follow-up email detailing that he and two other people could potentially be a match for a patient in need of a transplant. He went to a nearby hospital where they drew some extra blood. “About a week or so later, they told me, 'Hey, you're the definite match. Are you interested in doing it? Can you come in?' I was like, 'Absolutely'," he says with a smile in his voice, “As far as I was concerned, if it was my mom or my sister in that position – because I was donating to a 33-year-old international woman – I definitely wish that someone who had the opportunity to make a difference would step up and do it."
CJ Logan after his donation to a bone marrow transplant recipient
The morning of December 15, 2015, CJ went in for surgery to begin the bone marrow donation procedure. “I came in early - 5:30, 6 am. I gave some more blood. I talked to the nurses. I met the surgeon who was going to do the operation. I relaxed. Like an hour and a half later, I remember them talking to me and (after that) I just (remember that I) woke up. It was because of the anesthesia," he laughs. “It was very quick. Afterwards, I stayed in the hospital just because. The following morning, Coach Talley had one of the assistant coaches pick me up from the hospital."
Despite the intimidating length of the needle, CJ said he felt no pain at all during his procedure because of the drugs he was given. In fact, the only pain he felt was more like a soreness in his back for the first couple of weeks post-surgery and said the discomfort was comparable to losing a game to Delaware and the “battle wounds" that'd include. “It was a little stiff. But with that being said, I didn't think it was too discouraging. If anybody were to get a call saying they were a match, I would 100% encourage them to do it."
"I never thought that as an individual that I could make that big of an impact on someone else's life."
It being all about the bigger picture was a recurring theme in both conversations I had with Shaunise and CJ, just told through different perspectives. Although he didn't know much about the woman who recieved the life-changing donation, he felt blessed to be able to change and extend someone's life and that was louder than any fear. "It's a blessing. If there were any doubts about me making it to heaven prior to that surgery, I hope that secured it," CJ shares with a laugh, "But no, honestly, it was a remarkable experience, because I never thought as a single person, as an individual, that I could make that big of an impact on someone else's life. So that's definitely something that I carry with me."
The Bottom Line
In response to anyone who still might have reservations about joining the registry, Shaunise states, "One of the biggest things right now is the registry isn't that diverse. I'm an African-American. You have to find a donor that represents your DNA. My best match is going to be someone who shares my ancestry, an African-American. The problem is, African-Americans represent 6% of the registry. Hispanics represent 10%. Asians represent 6%, so if you are of a diverse background, we're not really represented in the registry. This could happen to anybody. I'm 27 years old. I was healthy. I was active my whole life. This happens to anyone, little kids. I met this two-year-old girl. I can't imagine being a child going through this. For people who are hesitant, we have to think beyond that. We need to help each other."
Shaunise Robinson's story was exactly the thing that I needed to remember how much good could happen from the smallest thing. Registering is simple and to the point, the donation process is straightforward and includes anesthesia, and the end result is saving someone's life who might otherwise not have a solution to what's slowly killing them or making them ill. I was reminded of the power of community and again the ripple effect that comes with doing the right thing. Not to mention the good karma.
"If you are of a diverse background, we're not really represented in the registry. This could be anybody."
I think as black people we need to make ourselves present in all spaces, especially spaces where there is a demand for diversity. It's great that we're on more television shows, that we can shout FUBU anthems from the mountain tops, and that we can shop black, but we also need to make sure that we show our faces in these places and uplift our community health-wise as well. Shaunise and CJ are right, it could be any of us.
I hope to someday be the match for someone in need. Until then, I am an active member of the registry, on-call to be a donor at any time for anyone. At least, until I'm 65.
So, will you join the registry?
Visit Be The Match today and find out ways how to be of service to people fighting blood-related illnesses and diseases and how to support the cause by joining the bone marrow registry.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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