As some of you know, I recently wrote an article on Black/White female friendships titled, "I Asked 5 White Women What They've Learned From Having Friendships With Black Women." The response from our readers was through the roof and it got me to thinking—let's switch this up and find out what black women think about the subject as well.
What do we wish white women understood about the black community? And what can they do to help bridge the gap?
Encouraged to dig deeper into the rabbit hole, I took the same formula from the previous article, with the same ladies, and reversed the context. So, sit back, review both articles, and let's all have this conversation.
Rachel Richards
Charliegh (L) and Rachel (R)
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Length of Friendship: 6 years
"My girl, Charliegh, is loyal, consistent, compassionate, driven and honest. She loves to travel just as much as I do, but she has actually taken more trips out of the country than I have. She goes after what she wants and is in a place now where nothing or no one will steal her happiness. I enjoy most that we have no drama, we can always disagree and still be OK. We are always honest with each other and never hold grudges. When we don't like something that has been said, it's always addressed and then we move on. I think that's important in a friendship, you should always be in a space with friends where you can be heard or be yourself.
"Charliegh has taught me to stop worrying about everyone so much and focus on myself, which is the encouragement that I've always needed. I would describe us as Erin and Jenny from [the Netflix film] Someone Great. The support Erin had for Jenny in that movie is the same support Charliegh and I have for each other. We have been through our own individual hardships and I know that our friendship has helped each of us get through them.
"The subject of race is an actual topic for us all the time. I have shared with her my experiences as an African-American woman. I love that she doesn't ignore the fact that racism exists. She knows it's still a major problem and she honestly doesn't tolerate it. I have witnessed her directly educate others on racial profiling and healthcare discrimination (we're nurses), and to see the passion and anger she has for my race when doing so, makes me even more proud to call her my best friend."
Click to follow Charliegh and Rachel on Instagram!
Phoenix Jackson
Phoenix (L) and Courtney (R)
Location: Denver, CO
Length of Friendship: 2 years
"Courtney is direct, loud, fun and no holds barred. She has done some amazing things in her career and now she focuses her life around her husband, children, a few business and non-profit ventures. She is honest and open and she is willing to listen to things where others may be closed-minded. She is female empowerment, personified. Our favorite activities to do together are talking on the phone or going out to listen to live music and have drinks.
"The best advice she ever gave me was actually about a man. She once picked up on his behaviors and quickly noted how he was not good enough for me. And she turned out to be right. Since she is so direct, she is also very observant because you can't be direct as she is and be wrong, you know?
"Hopefully, through example, I am teaching her that Black women are not this tough exterior, 'bitch' persona that the world paints us to be. I am the softer of us two. I am also trying to get her to see that we have nurturing relationships with people from our past even if it didn't work out, through my example with my ex-husband. He and I are best friends and co-parenting the hell out of our son, whereas her experience in that area is different.
"Women need each other, we need to love on each other, be sounding boards to each other, explore other cultures together and learn together. I believe that we should have interracial friendships just for the learning experience and to break learned associations about who the other is painted to be. We need to learn to love each other into healing—no matter what race.
"Courtney is one of my newest friends. I have some friendships that span 22 years, so I have always been careful about who I allow into my intimate world. Courtney is definitely worth my time and energy."
Click to follow Courtney and Phoenix on Instagram!
Raynita (Ray) Nebeker
Ray (L) and Jessica (R)
Location: Fresno, CA
Length of Friendship: 15+ years
"I met Jessica at the perfect time in life. I had just moved to San Jose from the small town of Madera after a huge tragedy in my life. We went to the same high school and after a while, I was finally getting comfortable with making new friends. We ended up in the same crowd that day and just totally hit it off. From that day forward, we never went a day without talking and our bond became unbreakable. I stayed the night at her house almost anytime I wanted, her family became my family and vice versa. Now, I truly knew how it felt to have a best friend.
"Jess is the most trusting, honest, passionate, hard-working person that has ever come into my life. She is beautiful on the inside and out and rides hard for those she loves. I love that I can tell her anything and know she will tell me not only what I need to hear, but also keep our conversations between us. Jess has a drive that is so admirable and infectious. She knows how to have a great time anywhere and doesn't let negativity get to her.
"Being a black woman in America is not easy. The expectations of us in this world are different than others. We go through discrimination, judgment and criticism that no one deserves. Since this is something that all black women experience, it is important to always have that in the back of your mind when empathizing with a black woman. At times, we are instantly judged by something we are so proud of; the melanin in our skin.
"And on top of it all, just when you think the world is becoming a better place, one of our brothers gets shot by another cop.
"So, ladies, smile at the next black girl you see. This will show them you are with them and feel for them even though you will never understand their pain. Our black girl community is tight because we understand what we each go through. When meeting another black girl, you instantly have this underlying bond because they know how it is to have brown skin in this world today. Black girls go through things and emotions that others won't necessarily understand.
"Jessica is and has been, that person for me. She has been there to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, vent to, and to hear the good, the bad, and in-between. Womanhood is about being able to trust. Jessica has taught me the true meaning of a trustworthy friendship and I am so thankful for that."
Keep up with Jessica & Raynita's adventures on Instagram @bestietalks!
LuLu Zeko
LuLu (L) and Lucy (R)
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Length of Friendship: 1 year
"Lucy and I clicked due to a shared appreciation for listening to and creating podcasts. We spent a lot of time meeting up for quick coffees before we realized how consistent our communication had been; she felt like someone who's been in my life for the longest time. An added perk was us both working towards another grad degree together and being deep in self-development mode so we got to share ideas with one another all the time. And as they always say, the rest is history. She has become the bestie.
"My Lucy is a beautiful soul, very connected to the people in her life and always down for a mutual adventure or discussions about any and everything under the sun. She's extremely in-tune with what's happening in the world, a full-on news enthusiast and activist, for plenty of great causes. What I like most about her is her heart and how full of love it always is. She's such a brilliant mind and is an ambitious individual who's ready to help anyone out to get their life together.
"She always says to me, 'Stop digging in the trash, there's nothing for you there.' Oh, and that therapy is always a good idea. We compare ourselves to Cristina and Meredith [Grey's Anatomy] because of their intense connection to one another, but on a more whimsical side, Timon and Pumbaa [Lion King] 'cause our weirdness syncs up too well at times.
"Man, I wish Lucy truly knew how helpful her allyship is to the bigger focus of having black stories told. We both work in media and being able to celebrate diversity unapologetically and seeing how much she celebrates it, too makes a world of difference. Just her continuing on the path she's on and how aware and sensitive she is to the black community is astronomical to race relations today.
"Since we both have a strong global connection to the different countries that we've grown up in (she's bringing that Brit-Aussie-Greek-esque focus to life while I have the Southern African-Zambia-Namibia-South Africa angle), our perspective about life has a richness to it that creates an environment to process everything and anything together. That is sisterhood for sure."
Click to follow Lucy and LuLu on Instagram!
Shawna Wright
Shawna (L) and Kelly (R)
Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Length of Friendship: 9 years
"Kelly is one of the most loyal people I know. She is that person you want in your corner. She knows exactly how to balance having fun and taking care of business. The thing I love most about Kelly is that she genuinely enjoys life and lives life to the fullest with no regrets. She has taught me to just live in the moment, and be spontaneous (for example, book that trip to Vegas less than 24 hours in advance), take lots of pictures, and create memories that last for a lifetime.
"I've learned to always support other women I come in contact with on a daily basis the same way I would support Kelly. And to listen before passing judgment because, as women, we have so many struggles we encounter just because we are women, and understanding that even though we come from different backgrounds and walks of life, we have to uplift and support one another, the same way Kelly and I do.
"In regards to race, I wish white women understood institutionalized racism exists. And that it is so easy to overlook because it is institutionalized. I wake up every day with the mind state that I have to give everything I have no matter what I do because, as a black person, society is already judging me, let alone a black woman. My every move has to be calculated to ensure that I defy preconceived stereotypes. It can be overwhelming because the average white woman truly has no idea to always know and think about their skin color, and how to maneuver accordingly.
"To my white sisters, your friend doesn't have to look like you for them to be your friend. Your friend doesn't have to come from the same background as you to be your friend. My friendship with Kelly has taught me that you don't have to know someone for years to have a strong bond. From the moment I met her, I knew we would be friends for the rest of our lives. We have been through the good times and the bad (really bad) times life has thrown at us but we have still remained friends. I love her and wouldn't have it any other way."
Click to follow Kelly and Shawna on Instagram!
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RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
