These Black Girl Bosses Are Breaking The Mold In The Tech Industry One Code At A Time
The tech industry is more than just men in hoodies glued to their desks in Silicon Valley. There are also beautiful Black women cracking the code every single day - and slaying while doing it. Each of the Black women included in the list below has created an app, a platform, or a community based upon a need that they've identified or a hole that they sought to fill with their relatability and brilliance. From food and science to self-love and mental health, Black women in tech are setting positive examples in the STEM field that encourage the confidence of other tech entrepreneurs on the rise.
xoNecole had a chance to speak with these leading Black girl bosses who are sprinkling their #BlackGirlMagic all over the tech industry. Here's what they had to say about their online communities and the importance of diversity and representation in the world of technology.
Carina Glover, CEO of HerHeadquarters
Courtesy of Carina Glover
The platform she created: "HerHeadquarters is a brand partnership platform exclusive to women entrepreneurs. Female founders and entrepreneurs all over the country use HerHeadquarters to quickly secure valuable brand partnerships with other women-owned brands. The platform currently houses 400+ women-owned brands from the fashion, beauty, entertainment, events, and PR industries."
The importance of Black women in tech: "We are the key to creating the products that will positively impact the lives of Black people and women. Until we create the solution, we (and everyone else who falls within the demographic) will continue to live in the problem. Our experiences, perspectives, and culture are unlike those who currently dominate the tech world. They can't develop products that solve problems they've never experienced because they can't relate, therefore they don't see the need for the products. Black women in tech are not a luxury, we're a necessity."
Advice for budding tech entreprenueHERs: "Don't be afraid to take up space. You don't have to be an expert in every area, but learn as much as you can, even outside of your area of focus. Find someone that can mentor you, someone who sees your potential and wants to help water the seed in you."
"Don't be afraid to take up space. You don't have to be an expert in every area, but learn as much as you can, even outside of your area of focus. Find someone that can mentor you, someone who sees your potential and wants to help water the seed in you."
Riana Lynn, Founder of Journey Foods
Courtesy of Riana Lynn
The platform she created: "Journey Foods solves food science and supply chain inefficiencies with software in order to help companies feed eight billion people better. [We do this through] technology that improves product management and development for CPG companies, ingredient suppliers, and manufacturers. In addition to helping food manufacturers create better products, we also use the power of our data to create experimental snacks that help us test our AI called Journey Bites. They're nutrient-dense, micro foods that we release for sale online and Amazon."
The inspiration behind her platform: "Globally, consumers spend three trillion [dollars] on packaged foods every year. This number is set to eclipse jump from 700-900 billion in the US by the end of the year. These products, packaged and manufactured foods, account for over 70 percent of our daily caloric intake. At the same time, there's clear evidence that much of the food we eat is related to the increase in chronic diseases - cancer, diabetes, and poor mental health."
The importance of Black women in tech: "As a Black woman, I want to continue to solve problems for myself, family, friends, and communities across the globe. Even though Black women are one of the fastest growing sectors in entrepreneurship, it is a challenging road for the most impactful industries in the world which happen to be dominated by old heads: agriculture and tech. I want to continue to break through on growth, servant leadership, and impact that will help inspire the next crop of Black women that can solve the world's greatest challenges."
Joy Ofodu, Coordinator of #ShareBlackStories
Courtesy of Joy Ofodu
The community for which she leads the brand effort: "#ShareBlackStories, Instagram's first multi-channel program, call to action, and campaign to support and inspire our Black community. Since launching in the U.S. in Feb 2019, #ShareBlackStories has also taken root in the U.K. and Brazil."
The inspiration behind her community: "The U.S. Black community is so active and vibrant on Instagram. We share a sense of pride, perseverance and promote a shared cultural identity that is emulated by so many others. In February 2019, our Black employees were inspired by this and knew it was important to create a space within the app for Black people to fearlessly express themselves. I helped to create a unifying brand identity across our existing efforts, brainstorm new applications, and stepped up to coordinate the efforts of over 11 teams including Editorial, Product, Partnerships, Design and Policy. Since 2019, we've partnered with hundreds of creators, businesses, and public figures to bring #ShareBlackStories to life online and in-person, including Jackie Aina, Jidenna, Ruth Carter, Overbrook Productions, and Afropunk."
The importance of Black women in tech: "When people envision a tech wiz or hacker, they envision a white man from the Silicon Valley. They forget that Black women are expert hackers by nature, some of the most creative problem solvers. Even though Black women make up less than 5% of most major tech company workforces, we play such vital roles in these organizations, both in STEM roles and non-STEM roles, serving as inspiration to other girls. Our presence helps to validate that yes, we are brilliant and deserving of the opportunity to serve a global user base. Sometimes we can't be what we can't see. Finally, when we are represented at the table, we can help make our companies more empathetic to and supportive of Black users."
"Our presence helps to validate that yes, we are brilliant and deserving of the opportunity to serve a global user base. Sometimes we can't be what we can't see. Finally, when we are represented at the table, we can help make our companies more empathetic to and supportive of Black users."
OlanikeeOsi, CEO/Founder of SelfishBabe
Courtesy of OlanikeeOsi
The app she created: "The SelfishBabe App is my self-love app that sends women a daily affirmation and self-love reminder. SelfishBabe is about women selfishly and authentically loving themselves. Choosing themselves and creating a life they enjoy. It puts self-love at the forefront, really themselves, when usually many women would put themselves at the backseat and put others first."
The inspiration behind her app: "I wanted there to be one place where you could have personal development. A few years back I was big into personal development, learning about spirituality, the law of attraction, crystals, and the power of our words. I had already seen and been inspired by BossBabe and ManifestationBabe. I wanted to change the way we viewed the word selfish. When one thinks of being selfish they usually think about someone who is mean and greedy. With SelfishBabe I just want women to think about them putting themselves first because honestly when it comes to self-love, you are placing yourself first and you're not thinking of anyone else but you, so it is SELFISH but not in the negative way people usually think about it. Being selfish actually helps humanity. Imagine if more women were selfish with themselves where the world would be right now."
Advice for budding tech entreprenueHERs: "My advice would be to be patient, have your vision of what you want your tech to do, how you want it to impact the world, and have a way that it will make money eventually. Have patience because at least in my experience, tech is a long-haul thing. You have to build up visibility about what you have and why it's important and you probably spend a good penny on developing it, without immediate return. This can be frustrating if you don't know this in the beginning and may make you want to quit. Don't quit if you really have the vision for it."
Amanda Spann, Founder of The App Accelerator
Courtesy of Amanda Spann
The community she created: "The App Accelerator is an online program and community that provides a framework for non-technical and aspiring entrepreneurs to build their first app. We pair our robust curriculum with group and 1:1 coaching and add an additional layer of support with our resource repository to provide you with every asset you need to make your app business a reality."
The inspiration behind her community: "Creating my first app was a long, hard, and lonely process. I blew thousands of dollars and wasted countless hours aimlessly trying to navigate the path from idea to app. Building any product is difficult, but it can be a particularly challenging task when you're non-technical. It can feel like a never-ending trail of Google searches, technical jargon, and a good ol' boys club that you don't necessarily have a membership to. As I was building and some of my apps rose in popularity, I started to receive hundreds of emails from nearly every continent from people who had similar stories, 'Amanda, I have an app idea but I don't know where to start.'
"The App Accelerator was my own 'reply-all' of sorts to each and every one of those messages. I wanted to let people know that everyone has to start somewhere and it's OK to not know what you don't know. Your ideas still hold value and you are capable of building them from anywhere, at nearly any budget. The App Accelerator is my roadmap for making your app ideas happen."
Advice for budding tech entreprenueHERs: "If nothing else, have the audacity to continually show up for yourself, even on the days you don't feel capable, confident or worthy. Give yourself the patience to make mistakes and the grace to keep going."
"If nothing else, have the audacity to continually show up for yourself, even on the days you don't feel capable, confident or worthy. Give yourself the patience to make mistakes and the grace to keep going."
Quincy K. Brown, Ph. D., Co-Founder of blackcomputeHER
Courtesy of Quincy K. Brown, Ph. D.
The inspiration behind her community: "blackcomputHER.org was born out of the lived experiences of the three co-founders. We each have PhDs in Computer Science and met as graduate students. Throughout our years in graduate school and early in our post-PhD careers, we would see each other at conferences and remark about the small number of Black women with visible roles, e.g. presenters, keynote speakers, committee chairs, etc., in the community. We would often have these conversations at night after the day's conference programming ended.
These became known as the 'Conference after the Conference'. At some point, we realized that our community was dope enough such that for us, the 'Conference after the Conference' really was the conference that we all needed to sustain ourselves, to learn and grow from our experiences, and to be the support for each other that we need.
"We started the conference as a means of organizing the community of Black women in computing and tech by developing an agenda that we can implement and scale. We created the annual #blackcomputeHER conference to be a safe space for us to gather. A time when we can be ourselves, turn off our guards, and have the frank conversations that we know we need. The conference is a gathering for us, not about us, and a time unlike any other when we can speak about our technical expertise and the other topics of importance to us. The organization grew out of this effort as a structure to enable us to do the work."
The importance of Black women in tech: "Representation matters because we matter. Black women in the computing [and] tech world matter. We contribute, we innovate, we create, and we lead at every level. The research literature about Black women and girls in computing [and] tech is scant. The narrative about Black women in tech, who we are, where we come from, what our interests are, what works for us, etc. has not been created by us.
The representation of Black women that is based on 'our' truth is important because it allows us to be free of other people's perceptions of what we can or cannot, should or should not, do or be. The freedom of 'dropping the mask' and just being who we are is not afforded to us, generally, and even less so in tech. Having visible representation that highlights the breadth and depth of who we are and our accomplishments allows us to see ourselves in the space that we have contributed to and created."
Davinia Tomlinson, Founder of rainchq
Photo Credit: Simeon Thaw
Courtesy of Davinia Tomlinson
The platform she created: "rainchq is a membership platform created to help women take control of their financial futures. 'Rainmakers' gain access to financial education, qualified and regulated financial advice from female financial advisers and events focused on all aspects of holistic well-being – all delivered digitally."
The inspiration behind her platform: "As someone who has spent my entire career in the world of investment management, it was obvious that women are chronically underrepresented, not just in terms of visibility in senior leadership roles within the industry, but also in terms of the client base. There are a number of different financial challenges women face which have become more prominent in recent years, from the gender pay gap to the gender investing gap, all of which have the potential to cripple us in later life.
rainchq was set up to provide practical solutions to help address this gloomy picture through education, advice, and online community in a mutually supportive and ultimately enriching environment. My ambition is to build a global community of rainmakers who are smashing it, not just professionally but financially too."
The importance of Black women in tech: "I live by the mantra 'if you can't see it, you can't be it', which has become even more important to me as a mother of two young daughters. Black women are trailblazers in whichever field we choose to pursue, however the importance of role models in helping us recognize our capabilities and importantly see what the possibilities are for women who look like us is invaluable."
"Black women are trailblazers in whichever field we choose to pursue, however the importance of role models in helping us recognize our capabilities and importantly see what the possibilities are for women who look like us is invaluable."
Nichelle McCall Browne, Co-Founder of Bramework
Courtesy of Nichelle McCall Browne
The platform she created: "Bramework is my second tech Startup. I started BOLD Guidance in 2013 to help students apply to college and raised $1/2 million in a year as a non-technical founder (putting me in the .02% of Black women to raise venture capital for a tech company). Now I'm working on my second startup, Bramework, helping small businesses create high-quality blog posts in minutes. Bramework is a marketing department in your pocket.
Helping small businesses that can't afford to hire a specialized team produce blog content regularly so their customers can find them online. When you produce quality content regularly on your website, Google starts to index more pages, which can help you rank higher in search engines. We've found that digital marketing strategists and entrepreneurs love Bramework because they can produce more quality content faster, especially in this current COVID-19 environment where more businesses need to be found online but have limited resources."
The importance of Black women in tech: "Black women bring their own experiences and perspectives, so we see problems, opportunities, and solutions differently. We tap into markets that may be a barrier of entry for others because they don't understand the nuisances of the customer's problems, needs, or how to connect with them. If it wasn't for Black women, there would be no Miss Jessie's, Carol's Daughter, or NaturAll Club. If it wasn't for Black women in tech, there would be no digitalundivided, Blavity, or Travel Noire.
Exposure lets other women see what's possible for them, while being a voice at the table opens up the way for more Black women. It's like when Kimberly Bryant created Black Girls CODE – once women and girls started to see people who look like them and had someone open the doors to opportunities in tech, we saw a huge increase of Black girls being interested in tech. We must continue to open the doors and support each other along the way. We do better when we come up together."
Advice for budding tech entreprenueHERs: "When building your tech company, focus on finding your right paying customer and generating revenue. This is the number one thing I teach entrepreneurs in my courses. Make sure all your milestones and activities point to revenue-generating goals. Don't put too much focus on raising money and what the stats say about Black women raising venture capital. When your number one concern is creating a product that solves your customer's biggest challenge, it's easier to sell it and the money will come. It's always easier to raise money when you have money. But even if it takes longer to raise money, your business is OK because you're making the money that can help you to grow. Plus, you give up less equity when your company is making more."
Featured image courtesy of Joy Ofodu
- This Woman Is Using Tech To Help Families In Need Get Food ... ›
- Amanda Spann Wants More Black Women In The Tech Industry ... ›
- Best Investment Apps 2021 - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Get Your Mind Right With These Mental Health Apps For Black People - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Franco Zulueta
How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage
No matter which client (of mine) you talk to, if you were to ask them about one thing that I’m going to inquire about, during pretty much every session, it’s how their sex life is going. There are a ton of reasons why; however, the main one is because, when two people sign up to share their lives, intimately, only with one another until death parts them, a part of what comes with that is well, a consistent sex life— and if sex ain’t happening, that ain’t good; this includes if it’s only happening 10-15 times a year because that, my friends, is considered to be a sexless marriage.
Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
___
Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by blackCAT/Getty Images