Then & Now: 10 Black Women Making History, And The Queens Who Paved The Way
When we think about history, oftentimes it brings to mind olden times, ancestral boss moves, or back-in-the-day memories. And that's all good. I mean, you really can't know where you're going until you know where you've been. As Women's History Month continues, it's also good to remember the new-school pioneers who are making an impact today, while still paying homage to those who laid the groundwork for them to even do so.
Here are 10 black women making history—along with the 10 queens who paved the way:
Then: Maya Angelou
GiphyAuntie Maya Angelou is a fav among any literature lover, and if you don't have at least one of her best-selling books in your collection, can you truly call yourself an avid reader? Nah, sis. Angelou wrote more than 35 books and hundreds of poems in five decades, expanding the stories of the Black female experience around the world. She was a multi-hyphenate phenom, serving as a professor of American studies at Wakeforest Univesity, a TV and film producer, a playwright, an actress, and a singer. She's recited her works at former U.S. president Bill Clinton's inauguration, for the United Nation's 50th anniversary, and in honor of former South African president Nelson Mandela. (That elegy was commissioned by the U.S. State Department. Talk about a big deal!) In 2011, Obama honored her with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Now: Amanda Gorman
Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock
Amanda Gorman wowed us all when she recited her poetry at the 2021 inauguration of President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, making history as the youngest poet ever to get such an honor. She's also serving as our nation's first Youth Poet Laureate, so she's the official poet of the U.S. She's performed for the likes of other political and entertainment who's who including Hillary Clinton, Lin-Manuel Miranda (creator of "Hamilton"), Al Gore, and Malala Yousafzai (Nobel Prize laurete and activist). She's had poems commissioned by "CBS in the Morning" and has been in front of audiences at prestigious venues including the Library of Congress and Lincoln Center.
Then: Mae Jemison
It's no secret that Black women have contributed significantly in the area of science. (Hidden Figures, anyone?) Mae Jemison, an engineer, physician, and NASA astronaut, set her mark in history when she became the first Black woman to be admitted into NASA's astronaut training program and later explore space in 1992. (Yep, it took that long.) She served as a science mission specialist, conducting groundbreaking crew-related experiments. She's also been a member of the American Medical Association, the American Chemical Society, and the American Association for the Advancement of Science.
Now: Jeanette Epps
Jeanette Epps holds a doctorate degree in aerospace engineering and worked in technical intelligence for the CIA before becoming the first Black woman to join an International Space Station (ISS) crew for a long-term mission last year. This woman is bad, OK! She'll start a six-month trek into space this year, her first ever, giving all of us---especially those of us who are science and solar system geeks---major life and inspiring women and girls around the world to continue to dream beyond Earth's limits.
Then: Ella Fitzgerald
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The first Grammy Awards took place in 1958. (Wow, can you believe that?) Ella Fitzgerald, a native of Newport News, Va., was the jazz singer of the time, touring with the likes of Dizzy Gillespie (the original "Ambassador of Jazz" and the king of bebop). She was famous for popularizing the music and taking it pop, selling out theaters and concert centers, appearing in TV commercials for major brands, and slaying stages as a plus-sized singer way before Lizzo, Jill Scott, or Jennifer Holliday hit the scene. She sold more than 30 million records in her lifetime. Fitzgerald also made history as the first female to win multiple Grammy awards and would take home more than a dozen by the end of her career.
Now: Beyonce
GiphyBeyonce was all over headlines when she took home her 28th Grammy on March 14, breaking the record for the most awards of the kind won by a woman and any singer—male or female. But this isn't the first time she's blown the whole industry out of the water. In 2016, her visual album Lemonade debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard charts after just one week, marking the sixth time her solo works had done so. Queen Bey also held the record for highest-selling album on iTunes and been the highest-paid Black artist of all time.
Then: Lisa Leslie
In college, this basketball star led the University of Southern California in a record four consecutive NCAA tournament appearances. By the time she ended her career in WNBA, Lisa Leslie led the Los Angeles Sparks to two Finals, been named an MVP, and become an eight-time first team All-WNBA player, four-time second team All-WNBA, seven-time WNBA All-Star, and two-time WNBA Defensive Player of the Year. She's also won four Olympic Gold medals. Whew, chile! Who said women can't ball? She continues to rally women around sports with her more than 260,000 followers on IG, and she's served as a leading coach for the Big3, a pro 3-on-3 league of basketball legends founded by Ice Cube.
Now: Allisha Gray
As a college student, Allisha Gray played ball for the North Carolina Tarheels and the South Carolina Gamecocks, and during that time, she excelled, becoming 2nd on the team in double-figures scoring games, a key player in the NCAA Final Four All-Tournament, and a leader in the Gamecocks' NCAA championship win. She left college to join the draft and was selected by the Dallas Wings in 2017. She was also selected as Rookie of the Year, ranked first among rookies in points scored per game, and took home Nickelodeon's Kid's Choice Sports Award for Favorite Newcomer in 2018. Today, the 26-year-old is among the younger players making lists of top promising 2021 WNBA players. Her usage rate and efficiency on the court make her one amazing player to look out for in the coming seasons.
Then: Shirley Chisholm
"Unbought and unbossed" was the mantra Shirley Chisholm made famous, and her run for the U.S. presidency in 1972 made her the first woman and African-American to seek the nomination from a major political party. Before that, she was a pioneer in her role as the first African-American woman in Congress in 1968 (again, it took that long?) and held that seat for 14 years, introducing more than 50 pieces of legislation and advocating for racial and gender equality. Though she did not win the nomination for the Democratic Party's presidential candidate in '72, her journey opened doors for taking the possibility of a woman on a major ticket seriously. She'd later teach at Mount Holyoke College, co-found the National Political Congress of Black Women, and be offered the role of U.S. Ambassador to Jamaica.
Now: Vice President Kamala Harris
Sheila Fitzgerald / Shutterstock
Last year, Kamala Harris made history as the first woman of color to become vice president of the United States. She previously served as San Francisco's district attorney--another first in the realm of gender and race--- and then became California's attorney general, before advancing on to become a U.S. senator.
Today, she has been part of the leadership team to swiftly execute impactful efforts including the finalization and execution of the American Rescue Plan that includes additional stimulus funds, expansion of a national COVID-19 vaccination process, extension of housing and unemployment relief and benefits, and the increase in resources for small businesses, particularly minority-owned. So far, so good, sis!
Then: Judith Jamison
Her powerful solos in some of Alvin Ailey's greatest works have etched her a space among the most prolific dancers of all time---Black or otherwise. Judith Jamison joined the troupe in 1965 and became an international star, dancing in and creating unforgettable shows all over the world in the 1970s and '80s. She's also starred in the hit Broadway musical Sophisticated Ladies, and launched her own successful dance company, The Jamison Project. She would later take leadership of the American Dance Theater in 1989 as artistic director, bringing the company to new heights including a 50-city global tour for its 50th anniversary and two historic performances in South Africa. She's a top choice among everyday dance lovers and the art patron elite. Black Girls Rock! paid tribute to her in 2018, the Obama administration honored her through the White House Dance Series in 2010, and her autobiography was even edited by former U.S. first lady, Jacqueline "Jackie O" Kennedy Onassis.
Now: Amanda Morgan
Amanda Morgan holds her own as the only Black female dancer with the Pacific Northwest Ballet (PNB) corps, one of the largest, most prestigious ballet companies in the U.S. She's held leading roles in some of their most popular performances, and has toured across the globe. She's also founder of The Seattle Project, an interdisciplinary artists' collective that provides a space for community-accessible work, in 2019. When the Black Lives Matter movement kicked off after the death of George Floyd, she used her platform to speak out against racism and advocate for inclusivity—particularly in the ballet world—and has rallied to fight police brutality. She continues activism and community work serving as a mentor for a program that connects PNB School students with seasoned dancers and a leading voice for podcasts and articles on social justice.
Then: Lisa Price
Lisa Price's another OG in the game, but this time it's all about boss moves in haircare. She started Carol's Daughter out of her Brooklyn, N.Y. home in the early '90s—well before the beauty supply shelves were saturated with natural haircare products—and got the likes of Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z, and Jada Pinkett Smith to endorse her line of shampoos, conditioners, and creams. She even reaped the benefits of the "Oprah Effect" when she made an appearance on Winfrey's show and saw the demand for her products instantly skyrocket. Before you knew it, they'd take over the shelves of big-box stores like Walmart and Target and major kiosks at malls around the world. In 2014, when her company was said to be worth more than $25 million, global powerhouse L'Oreal acquired it for an undisclosed—but we're sure quite enormous and well-worth-it—amount.
Now: Courtney Adeleye
Courtney Adeleye is another self-made multi-millionaire who built her hair and bodycare empire, The Mane Choice, from the ground up. In 2013, the medically trained entrepreneur used her knowledge as a registered nurse to create a line of products that cater to all sorts of issues from hair growth to scalp dryness. She made the first products from her kitchen, built up demand, and expanded her brand presence to attract more than 350,000 followers on IG, launches in Target, Walmart and Sally Beauty and millions of dollars in sales. She's been a true rider in supporting female entrepreneurs and advocating for small businesses, so it's no surprise that her next big transition, an acquisition by MAV Beauty Brands that puts ownership of the company in corporate hands, comes at the heels of a partnership that opens funding doors for other women to the tune of $30 million.
Then: Whoopi Goldberg
GiphyHer career in Hollywood spans across decades and genres, and there's no doubt that she's a legend in the game who continues to keep the bar high. She was first introduced to the world as a stand-up comic, and in 1983, she starred in a one-woman Broadway production called The Spook Show and won a Grammy for the recording of that performance, renamed Whoopi Goldberg: Direct from Broadway, in 1985. Her landmark role as Celie in The Color Purple would win her an Oscar nomination in 1986, and another as Oda Mae Brown in Ghost would land her a win. She later hosted the highly-rated awards show, becoming only the second actual winner to do so and the first solo Black woman to get the spot. She's also one of few entertainers---and among only two who are Black—to have won all four of the major entertainment honors: a Tony, Oscar, Emmy and Grammy.
Now: Tiffany Haddish
Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com
This "She Ready" comedian has gone from playing local Los Angeles spots to starring in hit TV shows and films including Real Husbands of Hollywood, Girls Trip, The Carmichael Show, Like a Boss, and The Last O.G.Tiffany Haddish has been a spokesperson for brands including Groupon, made Time's cover as one of its "100 Most Influential People in the World" in 2018, and made history the year before by becoming the first African-American female stand-up comedian to host an episode of Saturday Night Live. (She earned an Emmy Award for that gig as well.) Recently, she made history again as only the second black woman to win a Grammy for Best Comedy Album, for Black Mitzvah. We all ready, Tiff!
Then: Dolores Shockley, Ph.D.
Dr. Dolores Shockley became the first Black woman to earn a doctorate from the School of Pharmacy and Pharmaceutical Sciences at Purdue University in 1955, also making her the first in the nation. After earning her Ph.D., she was awarded the Fulbright Fellowship and worked in Denmark at the Pharmacology Institute in Copenhagen from 1955 to 1957. Her key research focused on studying the effects of chemical pollutants on the brain and recognizing pharmacological agents that interact with addictive drugs such as cocaine as to find solutions for recovery. In the '60s, she'd become a professor at Meharry Medical College, a top historically Black medical school that has graduated some of the most successful doctors in the U.S. She later advanced to chair of pharmacology at Meharry, becoming the first Black woman to hold the post, and she would remain at the university for more than 25 years.
Now: Kizzmekia Corbett, Ph.D.
Dr. Kizzmekia Corbett is one of the leading scientists from the National Institutes of Health who has been behind the search for the COVID-19 vaccine. She's been on the frontlines and has been lauded by the top U.S. immunologist leading national pandemic response efforts, Dr. Anthony Fauci, as a key member of the team making history. They've been working with Moderna, the pharmaceutical company that developed one of the two mRNA vaccines that is reportedly more than 90 percent effective. It's already received emergency use authorization from the FDA. Corbett is also spending her time volunteering to raise awareness and dispel myths about the vaccine. Sis has more than a decade of expertise studying dengue, respiratory syncytial virus, influenza, and coronaviruses, and we're more than here for it!
Then: Effie Lee Morris
Effie Lee Morris was a children's librarian, activist, and pioneer in advocating for library services for minorities and the visually-impaired. After beginning her career as a public librarian at the Cleveland Public Library in 1946, she worked for the Philadelphia Public Library before moving to New York for a position at the American Library Association. She also worked for the New York Library for the Blind and served as the first female chairperson of the Library of Congress. Her career would span from multiple posts in San Francisco, and while there, she established a research collection of out-of-print children's books that showcase the diverse depictions of ethnic and culturally diverse groups throughout time. By 1971, she'd became the first African-American president of the Public Library Association. In 1978, she became an editor of children's books, and she was honored in 2009 by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who called her "a visionary" in literacy and education advocacy.
Now: Marley Dias
Marley Dias sparked a viral book donation campaign hashtag 1000BlackGirlBooks back in 2015, and she was only 11, reaching her goal and then some. (More than 12,000 books have been collected to date.) Dias wanted to make books with Black girls as the main characters more readily available to her peers, after becoming frustrated with the options in her own reading journey. She decided to create the change she wanted to see. Her efforts landed her on the Forbes "30 Under 30" list and a Smithsonian Magazine American Ingenuity Award. She'd later pen a book of her own called, Marley Dias Gets It Done: And So Can You!, and continues to advocate not only for youth literacy, but for representation that gives all African-American youth and teens a chance to see themselves in stories that change the world.
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Featured image by Giphy
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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New year, new dating style. Courtesy of a former sugar baby.
Being a sugar baby had its (obvious) perks, but the most significant ones didn’t center around the material benefits. To date, I have a bigger appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned and applied them to my dating life.
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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