Black women emcees have been an essential part of sculpting hip-hop music since the late '70s. The genre has grown from the streets of New York City to become one of the most influential musical genres in the world. Though hip-hop is still a very male-dominated industry, women have made their way of snatching the sound and owning their place in the industry.
When female rappers entered the scene, they showed up with bars as prolific or better than their male counterparts — dressed from head to toe in a sexy tomboy flair that was beyond captivating on stage. Black women emcees have created their own lane, starting from battle rapping about systemic challenges in the Bronx, N.Y., to going all the way "Up" with Cardi B celebrating sexual liberation.
Bardi Gang GIF by Cardi BGiphy
However, some of the biggest challenges in hip-hop music lie in the lack of radical feminism in the genre that shows a vast display of Black women artists of every shade, size, and sexuality—without being hypersexualized. They all need to be seen and celebrated as a mass-market artist.
Over the last few generations, the evolution of hip-hop's purpose and sound has changed dramatically—mainly for mass production and consumption. That's expected because change is inevitable in every form of music, but hip-hop is unique. It was used to amplify the voice of the unheard and highlight systemic oppression related to race and class issues. However, its hypermasculine aspect has always made combating sexism one of the most complex areas to address and has posed a challenge to forging progressive, long-term opportunities for Black women rappers.
Hip-hop scholar Kylie Thompson states in the analysis, When Feminism Meets Hip-Hop, "Some female hip-hop emcees have been able to challenge the sexist culture of the industry and assert a black feminist voice; albeit the large-scale commercialization of hip-hop makes it especially difficult for women's voices to be heard in a political context that runs counter to pervasive patriarchal structures. Thus, women must carefully adapt, form, and manipulate language in order to make their music both marketable and political."
These circumstances have made it significantly more difficult for women rappers to compete in a market that could care less about women succeeding in it because a high percentage of the content is about objectifying them.
Black women emcees carry a different burden on their shoulders: to be Black, female, get the same opportunities as their male counterparts, and remain in high demand on the global charts. Black artists shouldn't just be the backbone to the sound. They should also be the face of the evolved sound.
This is a tribute to icons and holds them accountable so we can all show up better for all Black female hip-hop artists in the game, respectfully!
Let's take a deep dive into the evolution of hip-hop, amplifying the various forms of feminism throughout the genre's history, addressing hypersexuality, colorism, pretty privilege, and body positivity:
Black Feminism in Hip-Hop: Radical vs. Liberal
Before we can talk about the state of Black women artists in hip-hop, we must first broach the subject of feminism and the essence it carries in the music. Though every Black women artist isn't as intentional about being a feminist, most of the world automatically perceives them to be because of the lineage that several Black women iconic emcees started prior. There are two primary forms of feminism that are often conveyed in hip-hop; radical and liberal feminism, they are both needed, but the bigger question is whether they are both as appreciated by today's society.
Radical Black feminism came first because it was the only acceptable way to compete in the market with their male counterparts in the 70s. Hip-hop feminism centers Black women's voices via hip-hop as a means to increase agency, self-definition, and self-determination. Self-definition, according to scholar Patrick D. Bennett, refers to how Black women express their identities and experiences for themselves, while self-determination allows for Black women to choose who or what they want to be. In the documentary My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth About Women and Hip-Hop, legendary hip-hop artist Roxanne Shantel said, "It wasn't about make-up or having outfits ready, I rapped in whatever I had on when I had a show or battle rap because it was about talent not looks."
In this timeframe of hip-hop, if you weren't a lyricist as a women emcee, you couldn't compete. And Black women rap artists like MC Lyte, Salt-N-Pepa, J.J.Fad, Queen Latifah, and the one-and-only Ms. Lauryn Hill, didn't hesitate to challenge sexism, addressing men and how they talk to or talk about women.
Hip-hop thought leader Imani Perry has written about this struggle within the male-dominated field, stating, "As a masculinist form with masculinist aesthetics, hip-hop and the art form's masculinist ideals of excellence and competitiveness have often forced women to occupy roles gendered male."
And the freedom men have to be anything they want to be, and most of society enables them without question, isn't the same expectation that applies to women—who are more likely to get harshly criticized by society collectively.
As hip-hop evolved in the 90s, the sound changed dramatically from women hip-hop artists, and liberal feminism became more mainstream and left radical feminism a bit in the shadows of hip-hop instead of it being its main focus. Kylie further states that "liberal feminism boils down to individualism, positing the individual as the 'be-all, end-all of social life. This line of reasoning essentially aims to change or undo the socialization of individuals so that women can have and do what men can have and do." Liberal feminism brought forth undeniable individuality but took away from perpetuating social change and ignored the more significant issue of patriarchy.
In comparison, radical feminism addresses the collective issues the patriarchal system often looks away from. There is space for both radical and liberal feminism. But when it becomes too much of one versus the other, it often becomes detrimental to Black women rappers' progression in the industry.
Liberal Feminism And The Cost Of Hypersexuality In Hip-Hop
Booty GIF by Doja CatGiphyHypersexuality orchestrated by female hip-hop artists has become one of today's modern-day forms of feminism — to some, it may be an illusion, and to others, it may be perceived as power. The rise of liberal feminism exploring sexual liberation stemmed from the '90s with female artists Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown, both having an aligned rise in the industry that led to a divine royal battle. They brought unapologetic power to Black women's stance in hip-hop; both of them were phenomenal rappers that everyone wanted to listen to.
If you weren't listening to Notorious K.I.M., you were listening to Chyna Doll. But their sexualized stance also subconsciously brought a lot of pressure to other Black women artists in the industry.
In the documentary, My Mic Sounds Nice: The Truth about Women and Hip-Hop, Missy Elliott talked about feeling that "maybe I gotta go a little tighter to be sexy to be more acceptable," after Kim and Foxy took over the scene.
KMazur/WireImage via Getty Images
This changed the game entirely for women emcees and has made it a lot harder for radical women rappers to have a chance at success in mainstream hip-hop because most music today is being based on sexualization and very little content that speaks to the reality of the everyday woman.
Feminist writer Ariel Levy affirmed this further by saying that such a culture isn't progressive when women are capable of acting as participants of their own objectification. So we can't just blame men for objectifying us when now we are taking part in the same perspective to convince society that Black women rappers are enough and are as valuable to their male counterparts and that we'll agree to produce what sells most, delivering a homogeneous perspective of female dominance in today's hip-hop climate.
We have to be held as accountable as our male counterparts if we want to see sustaining change.
Communications studies professor-Jared Ball of Morgan State University wrote, "Today's contemporary hip-hop from women paves a space for these women, instead, to become the representative, as they have been increasingly able to compete and succeed with the men in the same genre. Regardless of artistic intent and the artist's desire to claim agency of their own bodies, these still may not exempt them from objectification."
So though Black women rappers are finally taking up more of the spotlight, their integrity is being challenged based on how they'd like to present themselves. Do all women in the game want to show more skin, or is it encouraged by people behind the lens of those scenarios?
To paint a picture of how powerful hypersexuality is in the industry, let's think of some of the most popular Black women rappers, Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, and Megan Thee Stallion. Though Minaj may be a bit more well-versed in the content she raps about, her biggest hits stem from the hypersexual lens. Lyrics like these featured in her song "Boss Ass Bitch":
P-p-p-pussy like girls
Damn, is my pussy gay?
It's a holiday, Play-With-My-Pussy Day
Pussy this, pussy that, pussy taken
Pussy ride dick like she a Jamaican
Pussy stay warm, pussy on vacation
You loose bitches need a pussy renovation
Y-y-you could eat it with a pussy reservation
P-p-pussy 'bout to get a standin' ovation
Clap, clap, clap for this pussy, nigga
The line, "But I can't give this pussy to a pussy nigga" depicts the imagery of manipulation and power plays gained through sex.
Most of Megan Thee Stallion's Billboard hits are all hypersexualized, from "Body," "Cry Baby," "Thot Shit," and "Savage," to "Hot Girl Summer."
In Stallion's song "Cry Baby," she raps:
Lay on my stomach, toot it up, do the crybaby (crybaby)
Look back, hold it open, now he annihilated (yeah)
Moaning like a bitch when he hit this pussy
Damn, he probably wanna wear my hoodie (ah)
Choke me, spank me, look at me, thank me (thank me)
If I give it to another nigga, he'll hate me (he'll hate me)
Spit, slurp, give him that work
Fell too fast for me, now the nigga hurt."
And as a result of parading the excess liberal feminism, she was recently awarded three Grammys in 2021 for "Best New Artist," "Best Rap Song," and "Best Rap Performance"—so in more ways than one society is fully here for hypersexuality being the center of the conversation.
And Cardi B's Billboard hits like "Up," "WAP," "Wildside" have been in high demand based on the several weeks they stayed glued to the top 10 spots on the Billboard charts. So at this point, their success sets the mark for what's in demand from Black women artists compared to vice versa. Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion's "WAP" came in at No. 2 on the staff's pick of the best rap songs for 2020, and it spent four weeks as the No.1 spot on the Billboard charts.
Then you have our good sis Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda," which spent 26 weeks at No.1 on the Billboard charts and perpetuates the image that appeals to mass audiences. Because of its success, this type of music will continue to be produced.
In that sense, liberal feminism supersedes the industry beliefs of radical feminism and its ability to sell. Sex sells, and songs about the collective do not.
Paras Griffin/Getty Images
The one-and-only Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wop (That Thing)," produced in 1998, was No. 1 on the Billboard charts for 22 weeks? The insanely talented and lyricist Missy Elliott still doesn't have a Billboard No.1 hit to this day, which is disheartening because of the impact she has had on hip-hop music, coming through with unmatched energy and bars as charismatic as any man or woman before or after her—yet it is not as valued collectively by music executives and society.
Where does the hip-hop industry allow women like Rapsody, Tierra Whack, Noname, Chika, and Little Simz the same opportunity to shine like most mainstream women artists that often project the homogeneous lens to thrive and compete in this highly ego-driven industry?
In many ways, we can't fully blame liberal women artists because they are trying to compete in a market that was never built for them, but the question is at what cost? Hip-hop scholars mentioned, "Many women have turned to claim or embrace their sexualities under the guise of true empowerment because they feel valued as a sexual object... But this liberal sexual empowerment, claiming the right to assert the individual agency to sexualize oneself, is only an illusion because the power given still comes from men and the male gaze."
And the biggest question of them all is why are most mainstream Black women artists light skin, bi-racial, or racially ambiguous, and the majority of the underground women rappers are dark skin women?
It's far from ironic that this is very much on script with the extensive history of colorism that affects Black women more than Black men in the music industry.
Colorism, Pretty Privilege And Body Positivity In Hip-Hop
Colorism to many ears may come off like a tiresome topic, but it's a very much-needed conversation in regards to dark skin Black women being misrepresented in the industry. And often, feelings of inadequacy crafted by colorist themes materialize in Black female rappers as well. Years ago, Lil' Kim spoke about her deep-rooted insecurities based on her complexion and body, leading to her extensive obsession with tons of cosmetic surgeries and skin bleaching.
Kim stated, "I have low self-esteem, and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type, really beautiful women that left me thinking, 'How can I compete with that?' Being a regular black girl wasn't good enough."
Lil' Kim's struggle with being a "regular Black girl," and the apparent rejection of her Blackness by Black men even before entering the rap industry shows that America's European standards of beauty produce a proclivity for light skin by men and a lack of self-confidence in Black women, as seen in Lil' Kim.
With these European standards of beauty palpable in every part of the media and pop culture, its presence in rap is not nonplus. However, rap could change this narrative of "light is right." That toxic mindset and pretty privilege often co-exist in the hip-hop industry, allowing many individuals instant success if they fit a certain aesthetic. An interesting exception was when Saweetie went viral after she dropped her single "Icy Girl" and Hot 97's Ebro Darden didn't perpetuate the same narrative during an interview in February 2018. He described her freestyle as "basic" and mentioned she needed to work harder to "impress" him.
Regardless of his commentary, the bar is very low for certain female rappers to have easy access to success over their peers based on complexion. The industry is not as much fixated on thought-provoking lyrics and their impact. When you add the layers of additional intersectional walks of sexuality, particularly darker shades of women, and fatphobia–there is an inevitable amount of trauma and rejection to work through.
Grammy-nominated artist Chika told The Root, "I am not the spokesperson for body positivity. I'm not the spokesperson for being dark-skinned. I'm not the spokesperson for having a nappy-ass dread head. I am none of those things. Stop asking me questions that you should figure out for yourself."
The reality is Black men aren't pressed because they are dark-skinned or wear their fades or cornrows, but Black women are often trolled for their Blackness, and the guidelines are incredibly rigid and overwhelming to maneuver through. It's like just being Black and a woman is a more significant problem.
When white women wear the same hairstyles and get the additional surgeries enhancements, it's edgy and glorified, but let a Black woman be herself, and it's a problem. In Lizzo and Cardi B's song "Rumors" the duo challenges stereotypes of their personal trauma of not ever feeling like they amount too much, Lizzo is tenaciously working through fatphobia commentary.
And Cardi B recently addressed rumors about her BBL and other surgeries to enhance her assets. The reality is, there have been underlying, deep-rooted issues in hip-hop that normalize the practice of artists suppressing their pain and insecurities.
This needs to be dismantled so Black women artists can have the space to not always feel like they need to take life-threatening measures for validation or to compete.
The Future For Black Women In Hip-Hop
Saweetie Dojacat GIF by Trés SheGiphyThe moral of the story: We need the balance of both worlds—radical and liberal feminism. There is room for both conversations to be had; everything does not revolve around sex, we can also make space to address the other hundreds of topics that we face as women. The market is currently too fixated on one area over another. And it continually takes away many opportunities from radical artists and leaves women questioning their integrity regarding showing more skin than they're comfortable with to be competitive in this market.
Some of the things women mainstream rappers can do to help shed light on rappers opposite of them is to seek them out and propose a collaboration. Whether it be a single, being an opener at their show, or just promoting their work to change the narrative of there being only one main type of women rapper in today's hip-hop.
The world may have found ways to commodify the sound, but there is power in unity and sculpting a new art form of hip-hop music.
Featured Image via Giphy
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
New year, new dating style. Courtesy of a former sugar baby.
Being a sugar baby had its (obvious) perks, but the most significant ones didn’t center around the material benefits. To date, I have a bigger appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned and applied them to my dating life.
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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