Pregnancy was the first time I didn't feel in control of my body.
When any first time mommy-to-be asks me what to expect because she is expecting, this is my go-to line. The lack of control, however is both beautiful and terrifying. There's the moment you realize that flutter of fetal movement referred to as "quickening" is probably your baby's feet and not gas from that Taco Bell chicken chalupa. Suddenly, it hits you there's a person growing inside of you and you have no control over when they decide to get into a more comfortable position, even if it means their elbow is in your spleen.
There was also the beginning of my third trimester where I found myself trying to organize the children's library at my job (I didn't know that my actions were a result of my maternal instinct to "nest") until I realized I couldn't bend over like a normal non-pregnant person, and had to squat to pick Dr. Seuss's collection up off the floor. Did I mention my husband couldn't hug me normally for about four months? There was also that point mid-pregnancy when I learned that a slight case of placenta previa made me a great candidate for a scheduled c-section.
This was actually a relief to me since while some women dream of natural childbirth, they were actual nightmares for me.
I've never felt a labor pain, nor do I want to.
The placenta previa, a condition where the placenta attaches itself too close to the cervix or actually covers it preventing the fetus to pass through, was the first time I truly felt like pregnancy had hijacked the driver's seat to my body and I was a helpless passenger whose only request was watermelon and grape tomatoes. When my OB/GYN first suspected that it might be an issue in the middle of my second trimester, she maintained that it wasn't too big of deal since my placenta was merely "too close for comfort" to my cervix but not actually covering it.
She decided the best option was to keep an eye on it for a few months with the hope that it would move. This meant plenty of ultrasounds for me, and great pics of my daughter playing with her thumbs in the womb, but also a few weeks playing the natural birth or scheduled c-section tango.
Even with the support of my spouse, family, and friends, awesome health insurance, and a chill, but skilled doctor, I was a bundle of anxiety. Although my doctor explained placenta previa "just happens" sometimes, I wasn't used to not being in control. Three years later, and I realize the lack of control was a subtle introduction to what parenthood can be most days. Today, I have a normal, healthy three-year-old whose favorite word is "no" and has literally watched the same Muppet Babies episode on the tablet at least 23 times in two days. But even with a pesky placenta and my iPad now being held hostage, I've realized that although pregnancy and parenthood can make you feel not entirely in control all of the time, that doesn't mean you have to feel powerless.
The CDC published a report earlier this year that shed light on the dangerous health threats that women of color are more likely to face during pregnancy. About 50,000 women suffer complications during pregnancy and black women are three to four times more likely to die than white women during pregnancy. What's even more alarming is that these statistics have as much to do with persistent poverty and inadequate healthcare as they have to do with health risks such as high blood pressure and diabetes.
I work on a sexual and reproductive health hotline during the day as Health Resource Specialist, meaning that many days, I'm one of the first people women talk to when they're facing a positive pregnancy test and the panic of not having health insurance. For some women, especially those who are parenting for the first time, hormones, and fear may have them wondering if they are going to be raising their child in a cardboard box by the time they're finished paying for healthcare, hospital stays, and childbirth costs or if they'll end up having their baby at home in the bathtub with the guidance of YouTube tutorial.
I try to help them balance their excitement with their anxiety by giving them the resources and education they need to feel empowered.
Regardless of their financial situation or the amount of support they may (or may not have), there are some steps every woman can take to ensure they are doing whatever is in their power to keep herself and her unborn child healthy:
Research prenatal care as early as possible, regardless of whether you have insurance or not.
I speak to far too many women who have put off prenatal care until their last trimester out of fear of outrageous clinic costs because they weren't insured. Fortunately in Philadelphia, there is an abundance of low-cost clinics or even hospital-based clinics that will assist in helping women apply for insurance through the state. Don't assume you're not eligible for certain programs based on your income or living situation. Explore your options regarding state assistance or even payment plans and programs offered through individual healthcare facilities. At the very least, research your local ER or hospitals that offer labor and delivery services so that in the event you do go into labor, you can have a safe delivery and work out payment later.
Choose a provider you feel comfortable with, both physically and emotionally.
I didn't know exactly what to look for in a provider but one of the factors I considered early in the game were distance (you'll have to travel regularly for appointments so you may want a place you can get to easily). In addition, look into appointment availability, if early Thursday afternoons work better for you don't be afraid to communicate that. A good provider will find a way to make sure prenatal care is convenient for you.
I also knew I preferred a female doctor. My OB/GYN was close in my age which means she was up-to-date on many guidelines and procedures, but she was also a young mother of two which meant she could relate to where I was in my life professionally and personally, and wasn't so far removed from the birthing experience herself. She did an awesome job at taking my concerns seriously while also helping to not create more anxiety for any hiccups that came along the way.
Your relationship with your OB/GYN is important. You'll develop a close relationship with this person and will see them often. Your OB/GYN should treat you with courtesy, respect, and if the connection just isn't working for you, you're well within your right to find another provider.
Take your symptoms seriously and when in doubt, seek your provider's assistance.
When it comes to health concerns, at its best, Google can be a great resource for information and at its worst, it can be an anxiety wormhole. Every pregnancy is different and what might be a normal symptom for one woman might be a cause for concern regarding your own pregnancy. In addition, every pregnancy is different. That morning sickness that was a foreign concept in your first pregnancy may have you changing your address to the bathroom floor in your second. When in doubt, consult your provider. Don't diagnose yourself via Wi-Fi.
Keep stress to a minimum.
My hormones were a mess during pregnancy and even with a solid support system, I found myself crying over everything from mismatched paint for the nursery to the release of TLC's 20 album. Choose your battles. A misspelled name on a baby shower cake is not worth the flood of hormones you're sending to your fetus while you spend hours crying in the backseat of your cousin's car. Trust me, you'll have the rest of your life to panic on a regularly scheduled basis once your child is actually here. So eat the cake and take some pictures so one day Lil' Dwyane can laugh too.
Don't disregard your postpartum care.
Pregnancy and childbirth, especially for mothers with limited or no support can bring added anxiety and stress into anyone's life, regardless of it's their first child or their fourth. This is why it's important to monitor your own well-being and take advantage of help when it's offered. If you have a few days of hospital stay, allow nurses to care for your baby or even take him or her to the nursery when you need rest. You'll have plenty of time once you're home to bond.
Also, whatever the case may be, make time for your "six-week check-up", even it doesn't happen until nine weeks after. An NPR piece from last year highlighted a study that found two-thirds of low-income black women never made it to their doctor visit but did find time to make sure their child made it to their first doctor's visit.
The lengths we go to to nurture our children always amazes me but self-care is just as important.
Touch bases with your provider to talk birth control, baby blues, or any other issues you're dealing with in those first few weeks of motherhood. Lastly, while help from family friends can help lighten the burden, trust your intuition when it comes to what kind of support you need and when. Don't feel like you must be everything to everyone.
Always remember, motherhood is personal and looks different on every woman.
Featured image by Andre Adjahoe on Unsplash
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The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
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“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak