Coco Chanel said, "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life." Muva was speaking the truth because a hair cut provides liberation and freedom for so many women.
It is especially hard for women of color to choose to embrace that freedom because our culture romanticizes long, thick hair. The moment you tell your mom, aunt, or play cousin that you plan to cut your hair, they will act as if someone died. For decades, it has been instilled in us that our hair represents our crowns. This means cutting your hair signifies being stripped of your glory.
Well, that is over and done because it's a new year, and we have the right to decide what our crowns bespeak. From rocking 4C kinky hair to donning a buzz cut, the choice is yours.
Rocking a buzz cut has to be the one of the boldest moves a woman of color can make. Thankfully, there are some daring and beautiful women living life unapologetically and wearing their buzz cuts with confidence and ease – these are their stories.
Jacinda
I decided to cut my hair the summer of 2017 because my hair was severely damaged, and I was really growing tired of my ordinary look. I also wanted to challenge myself and detach myself from my hair, since my hair was part of my identity then. As soon as I shaved my hair off, I immediately fell in love with my buzz cut and felt like a redefined individual. I felt free to be quite honest. I was breaking gender norms and embracing my baldness.
My shaved head reminds me that beauty is within and doesn't equate to how long your hair is.
Hair is just an accessory some people choose to rock more than others. Hair isn't a necessity for me; it's more like costume jewelry. Regardless of how people choose to rock their hair, buzz cuts should not be associated with just men. Buzz cuts are unisex hairstyles.
Lolayé Dubiose
My first chop was in July 2012 and I haven't looked back since. I had a decent length of hair growing up and I was always told, "You won't be cute without hair," or "Your hair is what makes you." I never understood how having hair could define a person and I was sick of hearing it, so I headed to my nearest barbershop and told him to go for it.
One of the best decisions I've ever made.
I just recently tried to dye my hair gray after being blonde for months, and it magically turned pink… I have no idea or scientific explanation for it (laughs). But I decided to embrace change and OWN my pretty pink buzz cut by rocking it effortlessly!
Tumelo Moliko
Living in South Africa as a young black woman, I've had to find creative ways of redefining the buzz cut in a way that showcases my personality best.
I color my hair, shave letters into my hair, maybe even add glitter if I'm in the mood; or sometimes I just wake up and leave my hair to do what it does best, shrink into beautiful little coils on the top of my head. I used to find myself grabbing any accessory and makeup product to put on, just to make up for the absence of hair on my head, however, I have now come to learn the true essence of owning my buzz cut.
Firstly, I had to fall in love with my revamped self and then, I had to confidently allow the world to see my cranium in its true element. From there, owning my buzz cut has become so effortless, yet so impactful on my being.
I've realized that being in high school and cutting your hair off completely is a BRAVE MOVE because judgment is inevitable. Being able to conquer my fear of judgment really did empower me in so many aspects of life. I shaved my hair off at 16 because I no longer wanted my hair to be perceived as an extension of my personality. I was known as the girl with the bob cut, and constantly complimented on my hair.
I no longer wanted my hair to own me.
Hair is praised in society and steers discrimination in many South African schools today. On the other end of things, a woman that does not have hair (whether it be by choice or not) is judged frequently by so many people in society because it goes against the norm.
In grade 10, I started feeling as though my identity no longer belonged to me. I felt as though my identity was now made up of physical things, including the strands growing out of my scalp. That's when I decided to be brave and stood in front of the mirror, picked up the clippers, and shaved all my hair off. I have felt empowered, liberated, and truly myself ever since. Owning my buzz cut meant repossessing my true self. I wouldn't change the experience for the world.
Shay
I chose to cut my hair as a form of expression and to make me feel more confident.
Art is an outlet for me. Cutting my hair happens to be the best form of expression for me now. Before I decided to cut my hair, I was feeling uninspired. I was stressed out, I wasn't focused, and I was kinda depressed. It felt like nothing was going right, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I felt like I was wasting my talents, I felt like I wasn't good at it, I was losing myself and didn't care about things I loved. I had to get rid of that doubt and get out of that mindset. I've been through some tough times in my life and one thing that was always with me was my hair. My hair was there when I was sad, inspired, stressed, happy, motivated, and depressed.
Art had always been a way to express myself. I've always been daring with hair colors and other forms of creating but this time, I wanted to cut it all off. So the night before I got it cut while I was sleeping, I sorted through all of my feelings and any doubts and any reminders that stopped me from wanting to be great. When I woke up that morning, I was determined to feel better, do better, and live better. With every shave, I was close to feeling like a new person.
So now every time I cut my hair I'm freeing my body, my mind, and spirit of any negative vibes and starting over. To top it off, I'll dye my hair a new color.
Cutting my hair gave me a sense of power and confidence.
You have to be a strong and daring woman to rock a buzz cut. I own my cut by living in my confidence. Now my room isn't the only place I feel confident, I'm confident everywhere I go! I smile back at people that smile and stare at me instead of looking at my phone or walking in another direction. Honey, I own every room I walk in now.
Morgan Bryant
I originally chose to cut all my hair off in 2009 to release myself from all the "good hair, bad hair" ideals I grew up with.
I know I'm not the only black girl who grew up telling people, "I have Indian in my family" just to give the impression that my hair would somehow be better because I was "mixed."
I have cut my hair and let it grow out many times since then, but this is the first time I have truly loved being bald! I enjoy the attention I get when I walk into a space and people are taken aback that my confidence is just as strong without hiding behind a bunch of hair. I serve face! I even started an Instagram page @baldgirlmagic and hashtag #BaldGirlMagic to celebrate beautiful bald women like myself. Whether you lost your hair from chemo or you chose to shave it, we all belong to this really cool club!
Sienna Brown
I own my buzz cut by simply being myself.
Six years ago, when I first cut my hair, I was uncertain about how I would be viewed. Not having hair has really allowed me to discover the best parts of myself and provide me with the confidence needed to go through life full-speed.
I am proud of the woman I am and the woman I'm becoming. I truly don't see me ever growing it out!
Khendra Harris
It's been almost 8 years now since I've cut my hair, and my reason for cutting it at 20 turning 21 was because weaves were expensive (laughs). I'd just wanted to try something new, finally getting to the legal drinking age.
I wasn't really thinking of the freedom that I was about to feel.
My reason for keeping it cut became so much more than just saving money. I'd felt so liberated, so open! I had nothing to hide behind.
I've owned having my short cut by being unapologetically me, no matter where I go.
By not being shy when walking into a barbershop filled with men, and by not being afraid to show the women in my family that there are many different standards of beauty.
Destiny Owusu
I own my buzz cut in the most beautiful way.
I chose to cut my hair 5 years ago because I wanted a new look. Something to make me look more edgy and show off my beautiful features, especially my cheekbones, more. I feel like if you can rock a low cut, you can rock anything.
Hair doesn't define beauty, YOU define beauty.
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Originally published on April 3, 2018
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Joce Blake is a womanist who loves fashion, Beyonce and Hot Cheetos. The sophistiratchet enthusiast is based in Brooklyn, NY but has southern belle roots as she was born and raised in Memphis, TN. Keep up with her on Instagram @joce_blake and on Twitter @SaraJessicaBee.
Exclusive: Dreka Gates Talks Farm Life, Self-Mastery, And Her Wellness Brand
Dreka Gates is making a name in wellness through authenticity and innovativeness. Although we were introduced to her as a music manager for her husband, Kevin Gates, she has now carved out her own lane outside of music as a wellness entrepreneur. But according to Dreka, this is nothing new.
In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
Courtesy
If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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Bi In A Straight-Presenting Relationship? Here’s What To Consider Before Coming Out
I don't know if it was Kehlani's latest tour or Teyana Taylor and Victoria Monét’s sizzling Usher tribute at the BET Awards, but something has sparked a lot of us into a late-in-life bi-awakening. Even Keke Palmer shared that she’s not strictly into men. But let’s be real: admitting you might not be fully straight while already in a relationship with a man? That can be downright terrifying.
Cultural norms and societal expectations can make you second-guess whether you should even speak your truth. The thing is, most bisexual people are in what’s called "hetero-presenting" relationships—meaning, from the outside, it looks like a heterosexual relationship, but in reality, one (or both!) partner(s) may be bisexual. Being bi but appearing straight? It’s more common than you think. This phenomenon makes bi-erasure even more real!
Realizing you’re bisexual while in a hetero-presenting relationship doesn’t automatically mean you want to jump ship. So what now? How do you navigate this revelation and still keep your relationship intact? How do you even bring this up to your boyfriend or husband? And let’s be real—should you come out at all?
'Is Coming Out Even Worth It?'
Coming out can mean showing up more authentically, finding new communities, and maybe even expanding your dating options (depending on what you and your partner agree on, of course).
Many bi folks feel a huge sense of relief after coming out to their partners and loved ones. As sex therapist Shadeen Francis puts it, “This can be an exciting and growth-filled time. People often experience a renewed curiosity about themselves or their relationship, awe about their sexuality, and a deeper interest in or appreciation for their partner.” In fact, your bi-awakening might even bring you closer to your partner. Vulnerability in a safe, supportive relationship can really deepen your connection.
Shadeen also points out that “partners can be inspired to explore themselves more deeply. While it may not always be about sexuality, one person’s self-discovery often sparks reflection for those around them, including spouses.” In other words, honesty breeds emotional closeness.
What If Things Go Left?
It’s important to keep in mind that not every coming out story is all sunshine and rainbows. Coming out as bisexual while in a heterosexual relationship is a deeply personal experience that can shake up everything you thought you knew about yourself. For Black women, this journey is even more layered. “Cultural upbringing, race, and religion can all influence how you discover, accept, and navigate your new sexual identity,” explains certified sex educator Taylor M. Akers.
Realizing you're bisexual can be both liberating and terrifying. The fear of how your partner, family, or community might react can bring up waves of anxiety and self-doubt. You might wonder if you’re risking the safety of your relationship or your sense of belonging. And let’s be real, if your partner or your people don’t vibe with bisexuality, it can trigger feelings of rejection and leave you feeling misunderstood.
As Taylor Akers points out, the idea of coming out can even activate your survival instincts. “They may fear losing the security of their current relationship and the stability it provides. Feelings of rejection could arise, leading to anxiety or depression, especially if their spouse, family, or social circle culturally disagrees or is indifferent to bisexuality. That can feel unsafe and threatening to one’s sense of self and identity.”
While those fears and risks are real, it's important to remember that without risk, there can be no reward. Stay rooted in your 'why' when navigating the tough parts of these conversations, and remember that those who truly love you will want you to express yourself fully.
How To Navigate the Conversation
Once you've decided that coming out is worth it because you want to be fully seen for who you are, think carefully about when and how to tell your partner. Timing is everything—avoid dropping this potentially relationship-shifting conversation when they’ve just woken up or walked in from work. Sex Therapist Kamil Lewis suggests, “I recommend having the conversation at a low-stress time, maybe over dinner, after watching a show together, or during a light conversation about your relationship.”
Once you’ve picked your moment, connect with your support system! Whether the conversation goes smoothly or takes a turn, you’ll want someone on standby—whether to celebrate with or to lean on. Kamil adds, “If a close friend or family member knows about your bisexuality, let them know when you plan to talk to your partner. That way, they can offer support, no matter the outcome.”
When it’s time to talk, here’s a pro tip: keep the focus on your own experience. Sex therapist Shadeen Francis advises, “Share your feelings using ‘I’ statements, like ‘I’ve realized’ or ‘I feel.’ Then, listen to your partner’s reactions without judgment.” It’s important not to expect any specific response—they might need time to process before they can fully express how they feel. And above all, if you’re committed to the relationship, say so! As Shadeen points out, “It can be reassuring for your partner to hear, as many assume this means you want to break up.”
This conversation might also turn into a teaching moment. In a world shaped by compulsory heterosexuality, your partner might not fully grasp what “coming out” as bisexual means. So, open that notes app and jot down your thoughts ahead of time. Think about what specifically you want to share—and don’t hesitate to practice the conversation beforehand.
The Bottom Line
Ultimately, deciding whether to come out as bisexual while in a relationship with a man is a deeply personal choice, but it’s also one that can combat the erasure of bisexual identities. As we’ve explored, this journey can be both liberating and anxiety-inducing. Bisexuality is often misunderstood or overlooked, especially in hetero-presenting relationships, and coming out can be a powerful way to affirm your truth—not just for yourself, but for others who may feel unseen.
Whether it’s the joy of being more authentically known, the emotional closeness that honesty can bring, or the fear of potential rejection, remember that there’s no one right way to navigate this.
If you feel ready to share this part of yourself, consider the timing and approach with care, lean on your support system, and speak from the heart. And if the conversation takes an unexpected turn? Give your partner space to process, but also let them know your commitment to the relationship remains intact. This isn't just about coming out—it’s about resisting erasure, embracing your full self, and nurturing the love and connection you've already built.
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