While there are women on the frontlines of both the second wave of COVID-19 and protesting, these times are impacting more than just the medical and social impact fields. Mental health affects people young, old, tall, short, Black, white or Indigenous. Placing our minds first is easier said than done, but it is imperative to remember that we cannot function physically, emotionally or mentally without our brains. No matter your work in the medical field, photography, styling or modeling, these times are rough for any Black woman and may be enough to knock anyone to their knees, but these women stand tall and firm while being emotionally and mentally aligned with themselves first.
xoNecole caught up with a few women spread throughout various lines of occupations about managing and prioritizing their mental health, how recent events in Black America have impacted their careers, and the state of their mental health as a result.
Alysha P., Cinematographer/Producer and 1/5 of 'Black Girl Podcast'
Courtesy of Alysha P.
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
All companies are taking this time to do their due diligence and work from the inside out. I think that's extremely commendable if the intentions are pure. Very real and difficult conversations are being had across all industries. I am personally showing up in this moment by using my voice to advocate for us. My goal is to make sure we are heard, seen, respected and understood on all fronts.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
When the pandemic first broke loose, I had extreme anxiety. I had no idea it was anxiety until my therapist called it out in one of my sessions. In that moment, I knew I had to lean into the healing. I had to become still, patient and very compassionate with myself. I had to give myself grace. Once I was able to identify and contain the stress and anxiousness, a beautiful awakening started to bloom. I began to love me. I never imagined that I would find such peace and self-awareness healing through a time of absolute chaos and pain within the Black community. This peace has allowed me to become more efficient with all of the work that I do. My confidence is more apparent. I'm fearlessly advocating for what I believe in. My creative juices are overflowing. And quite frankly, I'm just getting things done.
I'm very grateful the world became still. It's allowed me to hear the noise and turn off the levels that no longer serve me. What I thought would break me down during this revolution is actually fueling my fire.
"I had to lean into the healing. I had to become still, patient and very compassionate with myself. I had to give myself grace. Once I was able to identify and contain the stress and anxiousness, a beautiful awakening started to bloom. I began to love me. I never imagined that I would find such peace and self-awareness healing through a time of absolute chaos and pain within the Black community."
How do you manage your mental health?
I manage my mental health by continuing to make sure I carve out 45 minutes a week to show up for myself via my sessions. Regardless of where I am or how I'm feeling, I make sure that I am prepared and ready for my session. I also do the work. A therapist doesn't magically heal you. You have to be willing to do the work. Whether it's journaling, taking time to process my session, cry, ride my bike, taking a beat or creating some content, I have made it my business to become more intentional with my time, space and those I let into my world. That's all part of healing. I also prioritize my needs first. That's new to me, something I've never really done before. I've learned how to set boundaries throughout every avenue of my life. It's literally changed me for the better. Protecting my peace, surrounding myself with people that genuinely love me and pouring love back into me that I once poured into others are the keys to my mental wellness journey.
Bre Johnson, Freelance Photographer for Bre Johnson Photography
Courtesy of Bre Johnson
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
As of now, I've been devoting my time to my photography passion and my line of work has been impacted positively by the recent events in America. Now more than ever, Black photographers are being sought after for their vision and voice and this is a perfect time for me to be active in the photography world and put my work out into the universe.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
At the start of the pandemic my mental health was spiraling. I found myself to be hopeless because I didn't have steady income coming in and my photography plans seemed pointless with social distancing. However, after talking with family/friends and listening to my daily affirmations, I bounced back and my mental health is more balanced than before. I now understand that I have full support from people who want to see me succeed and that pushes me to continue to capture our stories and emotions despite recent events.
How do you manage your mental health?
The best methods for me to manage my mental health is burning Palo Santo and reciting positive affirmations, listening to rags to riches stories on various podcast platforms, journaling my thoughts, a calming bath, burning candles, and just breathing, reminding myself that all is OK.
Tiyanna Washington, LMSW, Founder and CEO of Tspeaksnyc, LLC
Courtesy of Tiyanna Washington
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
I think now more than ever it's being recognized that there is a need for more therapists of color. I've had a lot more clients reaching out specifically seeking a culturally responsive mental health professional that can understand the racialized traumas that exist in communities of color. I've seen an increase of anxiety-based symptoms with my clients, [including] rapid heartbeat, trouble sleeping at night, persistent feelings of sadness, irritability, [and] headaches that have been directly tied to recent news and media coverage of Black men being killed and the overall state of being Black in America. Folks are actively looking for and seeking ways to process, manage and cope with their thoughts and feelings as it pertains to the profound impacts of racism we are collectively experiencing.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I definitely find myself in a space of appreciating solitude a lot more. With recent events, for many of us, there's this need to want to be informed but sometimes it can feel overwhelming. There have been days when that overwhelming feeling has had a direct impact on my overall mood. [There's] this interesting parallel experience of witnessing what my clients are going through and very much being able to relate because I, too, am experiencing those similar feelings.
"With recent events, for many of us, there's this need to want to be informed but sometimes it can feel overwhelming. There have been days when that overwhelming feeling has had a direct impact on my overall mood. [There's] this interesting parallel experience of witnessing what my clients are going through and very much being able to relate because I, too, am experiencing those similar feelings."
How do you manage your mental health?
As a mental health professional, there's no textbook or manual that teaches you how to hold space for others during a global pandemic and a civil rights movement at the same time. In particular, for therapists of color, we are holding space for others in ways folks could not imagine. For me, finding quiet time during my day helps me to decompress. I'll silence my phone, won't schedule any sessions during that block of time and just allow myself to be. Meditation and music helps to lift my mood tremendously, so I am very intentional about setting aside time during my day to enjoy those very things that bring me peace and comfort.
Niani B., Hair Stylist and Founder of Beaute Anthologie
Courtesy of Niani B.
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
Conversations about racism in America have brought attention to how Black hair stylists in the industry are undervalued and overlooked. Black hair stylists have to work twice as hard for opportunities that reflect their skill level, even though there is a demand in the industry.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
It can be discouraging knowing that only a handful of Black hair stylists make it to where I want to be in the industry and this can sometimes be depressing, especially when I start to feel like all of my hard work still might not be enough to help me reach my goals - not because I'm not deserving. This can sometimes make me feel helpless.
How do you manage your mental health?
I usually do things that make me feel happy, self-care, which helps to keep me from feeling consumed by the negative impact racism has on my people around the world. Self-care for me does not look like a nail appointment [or] a massage, but instead [like] dance and music. If I'm feeling down, I turn on my favorite reggae [or] Afrobeat playlist and jam it out. I am also looking into finding a Black therapist to help me increase my ability to maintain my mental health, especially in today's climate.
Kaya Nova, Singer-songwriter, Founder of GROW/N, and Creative Consultant
Courtesy of Kaya Nova
How has your line of work as a singer, songwriter and creative been impacted by recent events in Black America?
It made me realize how important it is to continue to create space for other Black creatives to feel empowered by their own voices and share them. It also made me feel more responsible in the work that I do. I've always taken what I do seriously, but even more so I recognize how artists are servers of the community. It is our job to take these painful stories and amplify, process, and somehow create peace around them for our people. It's our job sometimes to communicate what is happening in the world to those who may not understand. It's a heavy job that I don't take lightly. And now I walk in that even more.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I honestly am so used to dealing with so many things as a multidisciplinary in the industry, but I will say this is the first time I've felt true sadness and grief around what's happening. We've been hearing these stories for years now, and I don't think I ever knew how to make emotional space to feel them—so I went numb. But recently, I found grief taking over my body, I stepped away from work, I had to address some of the white clients I work with, there were days I cried, or didn't do anything at all. It took me a while to figure out how I can truly be helpful, but when I did it helped me reclaim some of my peace.
"I've always taken what I do seriously, but even more so I recognize how artists are servers of the community. It is our job to take these painful stories and amplify, process, and somehow create peace around them for our people. It's our job sometimes to communicate what is happening in the world to those who may not understand. It's a heavy job that I don't take lightly. And now I walk in that even more."
How do you manage your mental health?
I haven't shared this publicly yet, but I started anxiety medication about a month ago. One unique thing about anxiety is how it lingers in your body, and triggers other body trauma from your childhood and teen hood. There's things your mind can process that your body hasn't let go of, and I found myself feeling mentally "OK" but struggling with an anxious body—racing heart, body tension, agitation.
And now many of us find ourselves dealing with triggers both in our living situations with social distancing, and in our communities with violent racism, so anxiety is a very big issue. For my own coping, I take medication and also practice a daily routine, exercise, laugh, cry, unplug from social media when I need to, rely on my support system and be as gentle with me as I can while I continue to heal.
Elyse M. Love, MD, Dermatologist at Spring Street Dermatology
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
My work has become more fulfilling in the current climate. My clinic is full of Black faces, and we are all dealing with so much emotional trauma that we have buried. I feel lucky to be able to create a safe place for Black wellness, Black pride, and Black beauty. The ability to help Black people feel beautiful in this current climate feels a little like a superpower, mostly in that it recharges me to continue to read, listen, and speak.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I am exhausted. I am in the early phase of building my career. When NYC Pause happened, I felt like I was running at full speed professionally and then hit a wall. In the coming weeks, as the realization of how COVID disproportionately affects minority communities became obvious, I was overwhelmed with anxiety for my family's safety and sorrow for my community. As I began to recover from that and began to create new ambitions for 2020, Ahmaud Arbery, Amy Cooper, and George Floyd hit the nation in a wave that has not stopped. I am doing my job and I am doing it well, but I am doing no more than that. I see my white colleagues who are building, and I'm honestly too tired to dream right now.
How do you manage your mental health?
It has been important for me to readjust my expectations for myself during this time. I have also given myself permission to rest and take a break. I know that on my off days, someone will step in to fill that spot, and I will do the same when it's someone else's time to rest. If I spend the day on the couch doing nothing, I say to myself "I needed that" instead of "I wasted that time."
J’na Jefferson - Music/Culture Writer and Staff Writer, The Root
Courtesy of J'na Jefferson
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
Considering The Root is all Black everything, I unfortunately can't get away from some of the more trying events in our community. Even though my beat is primarily entertainment and culture, it's all aligned, and sometimes, I cover hard news as well, which involves some pretty devastating reports. For the most part, not much has changed in my day-to-day operations, but the content itself has gotten a lot more serious. Because of that, our response to reporting and aggregating the content has to be razor sharp, clean, and well-thought, since we're getting more traffic to the site.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I'm a heavy empath, so my feelings regarding certain situations and topics are often manifested in my physical and emotional responses. For example, I was upset about Kobe and Gianna Bryant's death for at least three days, and couldn't sleep because of it. A similar phenomenon has occurred with the stories about Black lives being taken by police, even with all of the Black Lives Matter protests happening throughout the country. I've had trouble sleeping and am triggered by the news a lot, which as a news journalist, is a different kind of agony. Actually, a few weeks ago, I realized I had enough, and took the entire week off of work to unwind and get my mental well-being back in order. I went down to my home state of New Jersey, went swimming, saw a few friends and just relaxed. I rarely opened my computer or social media because I knew the bulk of my stress was from what I was seeing on the news and what I had to report on.
"I've had trouble sleeping and am triggered by the news a lot, which as a news journalist, is a different kind of agony. A few weeks ago, I realized I had enough, and took the entire week off of work to unwind and get my mental well-being back in order. I went down to my home state of New Jersey, went swimming, saw a few friends and just relaxed. I rarely opened my computer or social media because I knew the bulk of my stress was from what I was seeing on the news and what I had to report on."
How do you manage your mental health?
I've been a lot more on top of my mental health and how I respond to recent events in the news. I try to make sure to log off Twitter as soon as I'm finished writing, so I can rid my brain of the stuff that troubles me and the conversations that I don't need to be a part of for my own sanity. That's been extremely helpful to be (somewhat) out of the loop for a few hours of the day. I also do things that make me feel good, like go for walks, watch a little mindless TV, read, and FaceTime my friends. I've also met up with loved ones to do things like run errands or grab a small bite to eat, just to get out of the house and have a conversation with someone.
Featured image courtesy of Kaya Nova
Originally published on July 29, 2020
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The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image courtesy
Now, the interesting thing about quiet quitting is, while some employees do it because they are lazy (I mean, let’s be real), there are other things that can lead to this approach/tactic, too. They may not put in extra effort because their employer’s expectations aren’t clear (or they are ever-changing; bookmark that, please); they feel like they are doing most of the work without very little reward or even appreciation; they might see the job as having no opportunity for real growth, and/or, it could be that, if they feel as if their employee is basically “running everything,” they may do as little as possible as a bit of a power play — as a way to earn some self-respect until/unless they decide to move on.
On some levels, y’all, quiet quitters are quite the strategists. Kind of in a passive-aggressive type of way.
You know, when I first told someone that I was going to be comparing quiet quitting in the workplace to a man who quiet quits in a relationship, they thought that I was going to be coming from the angle of a guy who low-key ghosts his partner. NOPE. Today, we’re gonna tackle what happens when a man feels a lot like these undervalued employees out here, and so he takes a simple, quiet quitting approach.
That way, you will know what to do if you happen to notice some low-key quiet quitting happening in your own relationship — or, umm, situation.
First, Why Would a Person “Quiet Quit” in a Relationship to Begin With?
GiphyI can just about guess what some of you are already wondering: if a guy is going to go through all of the trouble of doing what a quiet quitter does, why doesn’t he simply end the relationship? Well, sometimes, it’s not that simple. Think about jobs. Even though it’s been reported that over 60 percent of people say that they are emotionally detached at work, while 19 percent go as far as to say that they are completely miserable at their office, what they don’t do is quit. Why? Because jobs provide money for their services, money pays bills, and bills are something that all grown people have to deal with.
In other words, no matter how unhappy some individuals may be, they will find a way to make it work because there is still some sort of “payoff” going on. Sometimes, a relationship is no different.
And, if you pause and ponder long enough, I bet that you can either recall a relationship you’ve been in or you know of someone who’s in a relationship where they are emotionally detached (or sexually unfulfilled or mentally bored or…or…or) and yet they remain because 1) there’s a lot of history between them and their partner; and/or 2) they love their partner yet they’re not sure if they’re “in love” anymore, and/or 3) they are telling themselves, year after year, that what they are going through is seasonal and eventually things will change for the better.
And so, in the meantime, what do they do? THEY QUIET QUIT because, even though they aren’t exactly thrilled with the current state of their relationship right now, they are still getting something (or things) that they need out of it — yes, there is still a payoff.
Now remember, when it comes to professional quiet quitting, it oftentimes happens when folks feel like they are doing most of the work, and/or they don’t feel appreciated and/or they feel disrespected, and/or they feel like their partner is trying to run things all of the time. Lawd…LAWD.
Now, when a guy feels this way in his relationship, how might quiet quitting manifest itself?
6 Ways a Man May Quiet Quit in His Relationship
Giphy1. The two of you spend less time together. Say that you really like someone, yet it seems like every time you’re around them, some sort of argument goes down, or you don’t feel like you can fully be yourself. The good times are good enough that you don’t want to end things, however, at the same time, the bad times are annoying enough that you can’t be around them constantly. So, what do you do? You spend less time in their presence. In a dating dynamic, dates are fewer, conversations are shorter, and less and less future plans are made. This is one way a person who is quiet quitting a relationship may choose to handle things.
2. He’s not as readily accessible as he used to be. My male circle? I’m hella proud of them. One reason is that they all are pretty successful in their prospective fields; so much, in fact, that one of them just told me while we were on a lunch date a few days ago that he almost always answers my calls as opposed to so many people who get pushed straight to voicemail: “You rarely want anything. You just want to know how I am, so I enjoy talking to you.”
That said, I have some clients who nitpick and nag their spouses incessantly. Then they complain about them not immediately answering their calls or replying to their texts. The reason is obvious: who wants to choose to be berated 24/7? Yeah, if your partner used to be readily accessible and that seems to be shifting for some reason, before complaining about it, ask yourself why that might be the case — what you may be doing that has resulted in that type of reaction (or lack of reaction).
3. He’s far more REACTIVE than PROACTIVE. People do what they wanna do. That is so true. And although some folks need to accept that it’s no one’s job to be at their beck and call (entitlement ruins so many relationships), when someone is truly into another person, a clear indication of that is they tend to be far more proactive (doing things without being asked or prompted) than reactive (doing things because they were asked or prompted to do it). When it comes to what’s transpiring in your relationship right now…which is it?
4. The intimacy is lagging. Whenever a physically capable married person tries to tell me that sex isn’t a big deal in their relationship, all I see is one huge human red flag. At least when it comes to the traditional type of marriage, one of the main things that makes it different from any other type of relationship IS that there is a committed-to-one-partner type of physical intimacy between two people. So, if a husband and wife are each other’s only sexual “outlet” — hell yeah, sex needs to be prioritized.
That said, when sex isn’t (as) present in a long-term dynamic, 8 times outta 10, without question, it’s revealing issues within the relationship — and oftentimes, no matter how attractive a person is or even how good the sex may have been with them in the past, when a person doesn’t feel seen or esteemed, they can/will start losing interest. This can also happen when they feel disrespected by their partner, and so they start to put up walls — including in the bedroom.
5. When you bring up the future, he deflects. Relationships are designed to move forward. If they remain stagnant, more times than not, they will eventually come to an end. And so, if it seems like your relationship is currently in a rut or you can’t remember the last time that any real future plans were discussed and/or made, this also could be an indication that your man is a quiet quitter.
The relationship may be cool enough to not end it (for now) — at the same time, though, he may be kinda sorta keeping his eyes open for other “opportunities”…if you know what I mean. And that’s why he doesn’t want to commit to anything more than what he is already in.
6. At the end of the day, he basically does what he “has” to do. The bare minimum. Who wants to be in a relationship where that is transpiring, and yet a lot of people are right there? And why would someone take a bare minimum approach? They might prefer to dodge confrontation. They might not be sure how to please their partner (because their partner keeps changing their mind about what their wants and needs are). They might be running on fumes. They might no longer feel enthusiasm in the dynamic.
To them, there might not be enough of a reason to feel inspired or motivated to do more — and so, they do just enough to keep the relationship going and not much more than that.
How to Address a Relational Quiet Quitter
GiphyThe interesting thing about all six of those potential quiet quitting scenarios is many folks are right in them, and yet, they think that the way to handle the matter is to gripe, criticize, and/or toss out ultimatums left and right when really, there are far more effective ways to get things back on track.
Figure out what you really want. Remember how I already said that some employees quiet quit because their employers either don’t have clear expectations or they are constantly changing them? Geeze, who wouldn’t be frustrated in that type of environment? In fact, I was recently talking to a client who said that they have been on their job for well over two decades with no official title. SMDH. Talk about corporate gaslighting.
Anyway, if your guy isn’t giving you what you want, it might be because you’re putting more pressure on him to read your mind or figure out what those things are when really…you need to find clarity within yourself and then articulate your expectations — not as demands either. Grandma used to say that you can always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Same thing goes for getting your needs met. If you feel like some low-key quiet quitting is going on, ask yourself what you want and then make your requests clearly known. Clarity fixes a lot of relationship issues. Trust me.
Address the issue head-on. I don’t know why people think that hinting around is effective — especially with men. Chile, I can’t tell you how many times a woman has said to me that her man has asked if she’s okay, she has responded with an abrupt “I’m fine,” and then she thought he was being “insensitive” by then dropping the subject and going on about his business. If things aren’t fine, it’s up TO YOU to say it, not up to him to ask you 20 questions before you finally state what is really going on. SMDH.
That said, now that you know how quiet quitting can play out in relationships, if you sense that it is happening between you and your guy, bring it up. Not in an accusatory way but in an “I’ve noticed lately that this and this have [or haven’t] been happening. Am I right? Is there something that you want to talk about?” Even guys who don’t like confrontation tend to open up more when they feel like their partner genuinely cares about what they think and how they feel.
Come to an agreement on how both needs can be met. If someone leaves a job, it’s oftentimes because their needs aren’t being met, they found an opportunity that will help them to grow better/faster, or they have been offered more elsewhere. On the other hand, when someone is released from a position, they weren’t meeting their employer’s expectations, they aren’t sticking to the arrangements that were made at the time that they were hired for the position, they “false advertised” when they took the job (meaning, they said that they could fulfill the requirements and then reneged in some way) and/or they are so out-of-pocket with their actions, that their employer simply can’t rationalize keeping them around any longer.
In other words, an employer/employee situation has to be a give-and-take — relationships are no different. So, if after talking to your partner about what is going on, the next step is not for both of you to go back and forth about whose needs or expectations aren’t being met more — no, the next step is to see if you both care about and value one another enough to “meet in the middle,” so that both people feel valued and appreciated.
Mutually agree to be patient with the adjustments that need to be made. When someone is a quiet quitter, it also usually means that trust has been fractionated on some level. And so, if you both decide to try and make things, not just “work” but work for the better, you need to extend a grace period between the two of you. It takes time to break old habits, execute new approaches, and see things (more) from your partner’s perspective. Care enough about each other to be patient with one another.
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A lot of relationships have quiet quitters in them (both directions). A lot of relationships can also be saved if people realized that quiet quitting is the root problem. If you see your situation in all of this, hopefully, you can now approach it in a way that will breathe new life into your dynamic.
After all, life is too short to be out here quiet quitting. Make it work, or move on.
(If you see some real good, try to make it work first, though. We are too grown to be “quick quitting” too.)
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