While there are women on the frontlines of both the second wave of COVID-19 and protesting, these times are impacting more than just the medical and social impact fields. Mental health affects people young, old, tall, short, Black, white or Indigenous. Placing our minds first is easier said than done, but it is imperative to remember that we cannot function physically, emotionally or mentally without our brains. No matter your work in the medical field, photography, styling or modeling, these times are rough for any Black woman and may be enough to knock anyone to their knees, but these women stand tall and firm while being emotionally and mentally aligned with themselves first.
xoNecole caught up with a few women spread throughout various lines of occupations about managing and prioritizing their mental health, how recent events in Black America have impacted their careers, and the state of their mental health as a result.
Alysha P., Cinematographer/Producer and 1/5 of 'Black Girl Podcast'
Courtesy of Alysha P.
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
All companies are taking this time to do their due diligence and work from the inside out. I think that's extremely commendable if the intentions are pure. Very real and difficult conversations are being had across all industries. I am personally showing up in this moment by using my voice to advocate for us. My goal is to make sure we are heard, seen, respected and understood on all fronts.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
When the pandemic first broke loose, I had extreme anxiety. I had no idea it was anxiety until my therapist called it out in one of my sessions. In that moment, I knew I had to lean into the healing. I had to become still, patient and very compassionate with myself. I had to give myself grace. Once I was able to identify and contain the stress and anxiousness, a beautiful awakening started to bloom. I began to love me. I never imagined that I would find such peace and self-awareness healing through a time of absolute chaos and pain within the Black community. This peace has allowed me to become more efficient with all of the work that I do. My confidence is more apparent. I'm fearlessly advocating for what I believe in. My creative juices are overflowing. And quite frankly, I'm just getting things done.
I'm very grateful the world became still. It's allowed me to hear the noise and turn off the levels that no longer serve me. What I thought would break me down during this revolution is actually fueling my fire.
"I had to lean into the healing. I had to become still, patient and very compassionate with myself. I had to give myself grace. Once I was able to identify and contain the stress and anxiousness, a beautiful awakening started to bloom. I began to love me. I never imagined that I would find such peace and self-awareness healing through a time of absolute chaos and pain within the Black community."
How do you manage your mental health?
I manage my mental health by continuing to make sure I carve out 45 minutes a week to show up for myself via my sessions. Regardless of where I am or how I'm feeling, I make sure that I am prepared and ready for my session. I also do the work. A therapist doesn't magically heal you. You have to be willing to do the work. Whether it's journaling, taking time to process my session, cry, ride my bike, taking a beat or creating some content, I have made it my business to become more intentional with my time, space and those I let into my world. That's all part of healing. I also prioritize my needs first. That's new to me, something I've never really done before. I've learned how to set boundaries throughout every avenue of my life. It's literally changed me for the better. Protecting my peace, surrounding myself with people that genuinely love me and pouring love back into me that I once poured into others are the keys to my mental wellness journey.
Bre Johnson, Freelance Photographer for Bre Johnson Photography
Courtesy of Bre Johnson
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
As of now, I've been devoting my time to my photography passion and my line of work has been impacted positively by the recent events in America. Now more than ever, Black photographers are being sought after for their vision and voice and this is a perfect time for me to be active in the photography world and put my work out into the universe.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
At the start of the pandemic my mental health was spiraling. I found myself to be hopeless because I didn't have steady income coming in and my photography plans seemed pointless with social distancing. However, after talking with family/friends and listening to my daily affirmations, I bounced back and my mental health is more balanced than before. I now understand that I have full support from people who want to see me succeed and that pushes me to continue to capture our stories and emotions despite recent events.
How do you manage your mental health?
The best methods for me to manage my mental health is burning Palo Santo and reciting positive affirmations, listening to rags to riches stories on various podcast platforms, journaling my thoughts, a calming bath, burning candles, and just breathing, reminding myself that all is OK.
Tiyanna Washington, LMSW, Founder and CEO of Tspeaksnyc, LLC
Courtesy of Tiyanna Washington
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
I think now more than ever it's being recognized that there is a need for more therapists of color. I've had a lot more clients reaching out specifically seeking a culturally responsive mental health professional that can understand the racialized traumas that exist in communities of color. I've seen an increase of anxiety-based symptoms with my clients, [including] rapid heartbeat, trouble sleeping at night, persistent feelings of sadness, irritability, [and] headaches that have been directly tied to recent news and media coverage of Black men being killed and the overall state of being Black in America. Folks are actively looking for and seeking ways to process, manage and cope with their thoughts and feelings as it pertains to the profound impacts of racism we are collectively experiencing.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I definitely find myself in a space of appreciating solitude a lot more. With recent events, for many of us, there's this need to want to be informed but sometimes it can feel overwhelming. There have been days when that overwhelming feeling has had a direct impact on my overall mood. [There's] this interesting parallel experience of witnessing what my clients are going through and very much being able to relate because I, too, am experiencing those similar feelings.
"With recent events, for many of us, there's this need to want to be informed but sometimes it can feel overwhelming. There have been days when that overwhelming feeling has had a direct impact on my overall mood. [There's] this interesting parallel experience of witnessing what my clients are going through and very much being able to relate because I, too, am experiencing those similar feelings."
How do you manage your mental health?
As a mental health professional, there's no textbook or manual that teaches you how to hold space for others during a global pandemic and a civil rights movement at the same time. In particular, for therapists of color, we are holding space for others in ways folks could not imagine. For me, finding quiet time during my day helps me to decompress. I'll silence my phone, won't schedule any sessions during that block of time and just allow myself to be. Meditation and music helps to lift my mood tremendously, so I am very intentional about setting aside time during my day to enjoy those very things that bring me peace and comfort.
Niani B., Hair Stylist and Founder of Beaute Anthologie
Courtesy of Niani B.
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
Conversations about racism in America have brought attention to how Black hair stylists in the industry are undervalued and overlooked. Black hair stylists have to work twice as hard for opportunities that reflect their skill level, even though there is a demand in the industry.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
It can be discouraging knowing that only a handful of Black hair stylists make it to where I want to be in the industry and this can sometimes be depressing, especially when I start to feel like all of my hard work still might not be enough to help me reach my goals - not because I'm not deserving. This can sometimes make me feel helpless.
How do you manage your mental health?
I usually do things that make me feel happy, self-care, which helps to keep me from feeling consumed by the negative impact racism has on my people around the world. Self-care for me does not look like a nail appointment [or] a massage, but instead [like] dance and music. If I'm feeling down, I turn on my favorite reggae [or] Afrobeat playlist and jam it out. I am also looking into finding a Black therapist to help me increase my ability to maintain my mental health, especially in today's climate.
Kaya Nova, Singer-songwriter, Founder of GROW/N, and Creative Consultant
Courtesy of Kaya Nova
How has your line of work as a singer, songwriter and creative been impacted by recent events in Black America?
It made me realize how important it is to continue to create space for other Black creatives to feel empowered by their own voices and share them. It also made me feel more responsible in the work that I do. I've always taken what I do seriously, but even more so I recognize how artists are servers of the community. It is our job to take these painful stories and amplify, process, and somehow create peace around them for our people. It's our job sometimes to communicate what is happening in the world to those who may not understand. It's a heavy job that I don't take lightly. And now I walk in that even more.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I honestly am so used to dealing with so many things as a multidisciplinary in the industry, but I will say this is the first time I've felt true sadness and grief around what's happening. We've been hearing these stories for years now, and I don't think I ever knew how to make emotional space to feel them—so I went numb. But recently, I found grief taking over my body, I stepped away from work, I had to address some of the white clients I work with, there were days I cried, or didn't do anything at all. It took me a while to figure out how I can truly be helpful, but when I did it helped me reclaim some of my peace.
"I've always taken what I do seriously, but even more so I recognize how artists are servers of the community. It is our job to take these painful stories and amplify, process, and somehow create peace around them for our people. It's our job sometimes to communicate what is happening in the world to those who may not understand. It's a heavy job that I don't take lightly. And now I walk in that even more."
How do you manage your mental health?
I haven't shared this publicly yet, but I started anxiety medication about a month ago. One unique thing about anxiety is how it lingers in your body, and triggers other body trauma from your childhood and teen hood. There's things your mind can process that your body hasn't let go of, and I found myself feeling mentally "OK" but struggling with an anxious body—racing heart, body tension, agitation.
And now many of us find ourselves dealing with triggers both in our living situations with social distancing, and in our communities with violent racism, so anxiety is a very big issue. For my own coping, I take medication and also practice a daily routine, exercise, laugh, cry, unplug from social media when I need to, rely on my support system and be as gentle with me as I can while I continue to heal.
Elyse M. Love, MD, Dermatologist at Spring Street Dermatology
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
My work has become more fulfilling in the current climate. My clinic is full of Black faces, and we are all dealing with so much emotional trauma that we have buried. I feel lucky to be able to create a safe place for Black wellness, Black pride, and Black beauty. The ability to help Black people feel beautiful in this current climate feels a little like a superpower, mostly in that it recharges me to continue to read, listen, and speak.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I am exhausted. I am in the early phase of building my career. When NYC Pause happened, I felt like I was running at full speed professionally and then hit a wall. In the coming weeks, as the realization of how COVID disproportionately affects minority communities became obvious, I was overwhelmed with anxiety for my family's safety and sorrow for my community. As I began to recover from that and began to create new ambitions for 2020, Ahmaud Arbery, Amy Cooper, and George Floyd hit the nation in a wave that has not stopped. I am doing my job and I am doing it well, but I am doing no more than that. I see my white colleagues who are building, and I'm honestly too tired to dream right now.
How do you manage your mental health?
It has been important for me to readjust my expectations for myself during this time. I have also given myself permission to rest and take a break. I know that on my off days, someone will step in to fill that spot, and I will do the same when it's someone else's time to rest. If I spend the day on the couch doing nothing, I say to myself "I needed that" instead of "I wasted that time."
J’na Jefferson - Music/Culture Writer and Staff Writer, The Root
Courtesy of J'na Jefferson
How has your line of work been impacted by recent events in Black America?
Considering The Root is all Black everything, I unfortunately can't get away from some of the more trying events in our community. Even though my beat is primarily entertainment and culture, it's all aligned, and sometimes, I cover hard news as well, which involves some pretty devastating reports. For the most part, not much has changed in my day-to-day operations, but the content itself has gotten a lot more serious. Because of that, our response to reporting and aggregating the content has to be razor sharp, clean, and well-thought, since we're getting more traffic to the site.
How has your mental health been impacted in relation to how recent events have affected your occupation/studies?
I'm a heavy empath, so my feelings regarding certain situations and topics are often manifested in my physical and emotional responses. For example, I was upset about Kobe and Gianna Bryant's death for at least three days, and couldn't sleep because of it. A similar phenomenon has occurred with the stories about Black lives being taken by police, even with all of the Black Lives Matter protests happening throughout the country. I've had trouble sleeping and am triggered by the news a lot, which as a news journalist, is a different kind of agony. Actually, a few weeks ago, I realized I had enough, and took the entire week off of work to unwind and get my mental well-being back in order. I went down to my home state of New Jersey, went swimming, saw a few friends and just relaxed. I rarely opened my computer or social media because I knew the bulk of my stress was from what I was seeing on the news and what I had to report on.
"I've had trouble sleeping and am triggered by the news a lot, which as a news journalist, is a different kind of agony. A few weeks ago, I realized I had enough, and took the entire week off of work to unwind and get my mental well-being back in order. I went down to my home state of New Jersey, went swimming, saw a few friends and just relaxed. I rarely opened my computer or social media because I knew the bulk of my stress was from what I was seeing on the news and what I had to report on."
How do you manage your mental health?
I've been a lot more on top of my mental health and how I respond to recent events in the news. I try to make sure to log off Twitter as soon as I'm finished writing, so I can rid my brain of the stuff that troubles me and the conversations that I don't need to be a part of for my own sanity. That's been extremely helpful to be (somewhat) out of the loop for a few hours of the day. I also do things that make me feel good, like go for walks, watch a little mindless TV, read, and FaceTime my friends. I've also met up with loved ones to do things like run errands or grab a small bite to eat, just to get out of the house and have a conversation with someone.
Featured image courtesy of Kaya Nova
Originally published on July 29, 2020
- We Need To Talk About Black Women & Suicide - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Depression & Sex: How Mental Health Affects Sex Life - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Black Mental Health Impact News - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- I’m A Black Woman, A Lawyer & I Have ADHD - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Top Stress Triggers For Black Women At Work - xoNecole ›
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Why You Should Never Settle For A 'Shut Up Ring' (Even Though Many Women Do)
Humans are always gonna human, boy — and nothing reminds me of this more than how folks act (or is it act out?) online. Example? A few weeks ago, after watching a particular YouTuber wear folks out nonstop via their commentary of the Pop the Balloonshow, they were oh-so-very-sensitive about the opinions that commenters were giving them underneath their very own post. Dishing it while not being able to take it. It’s always an amazing sight to behold.
And y’all, that’s definitely what came to mind when I recently checked out an article about people assuming that artists (and long-term couple) Big Sean and Jhené Aiko were engaged based on a ring that was on her “traditional finger.” Although she made it clear that it’s not what one might assume, what I rolled my eyes at was a commenter who said that “bullying wins” in response to the assumption that it was (because if anyone has been on “engagement watch,” whether they want to be or not, it’s those two).
Bullying. Nagging. Ultimatums. Incessant hint dropping. Continuous pressure. When it comes to trying to go from girlfriend to fiancée, I’ve been working with couples long enough to scream from every rooftop that if any of this “works” at all, it’s not going to be in the way that you would ultimately like. At the very most, all you’re gonna do is end up with what is now coined as being a “shut up ring” and a lot of internal doubts.
And so, since December continues to be the most popular time of the year for couples to get engaged, I figured that now would be as good of a time as any to address what a shut up ring is and why women really need to not settle for one.
@kishapeart Replying to @Wealth by Samantha I know “shut up” ring is a new term to some, and in case you’re confused…it’s a ring that a man gives to a woman to get her to shut up about getting married. 🥹 It usually given after MANY years together and he’s finally had it with her begging. 🙃 It is not genuine and is usually very low to zero effort when it comes to a proposal. Ladies….PLEASE walk away before you wver have to beg a man for a ring. 🥲 You are the Prize! 😌 Special Shoutout to @ceciliaregina275 for coining this term!! #men #fyp #shutuprings #proposal #proposalfail #dating
I’m Pretty Sure You Can Guess What a “Shut Up Ring” Is But…
Yep, overall, one way or another, a shut up ring is a ring that is given to a woman in order to get her to quit focusing so much on getting engaged…, or at least to stop her from being consumed with getting out of the girlfriend stage of a relationship.
Okay, but what the creator (kishapeart on TikTok) just said in this video about shut up rings? Honestly, in my opinion, that is only one take on them. I will say that I know a guy personally, who has been engaged for almost four years now, and he and his fiancée (they live together, by the way) are no closer to getting married than they were before he proposed. In fact, when I asked him about it over a year ago now, he simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “She doesn’t want to get married. She just wanted a ring; now she has one. She hasn’t made any moves closer to marriage since, even after I told her to pick a date — and that was two years ago.”
Yeah, it can’t be said enough that getting engaged (traditionally) means that you are preparing for your wedding — and that typically takes no more than 12-18 months. And while we’re here, there is data to support that longer engagements can lead to quicker divorces because, if you have declared to each other (and probably your social media accounts) that you are ready to get married…what are you waiting for (hmm…)? If you’re not ready to literally get married…why get engaged?
Anyway, one thing that “kishapeart” said, right out the gate, is if you receive a shut up ring, you are not someone’s person. Eh, I don’t think that automatically applies across the board. I’m not sure where the popular assumption came from, yet it’s not accurate or even fair to draw the conclusion that just because someone doesn’t want what you do, at the time when you want it, that must mean they don’t care about you or love you. Good lord.
Now, what I will say is it would benefit people greatly to go into dating dynamics knowing if someone is on the same type of timeline that they are (check out “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have”). For instance, if you want to get married in two years, does the guy you’re starting to see a real connection with think the same way? It would be good to know. At the same time, though, please don’t be out here thinking that they don’t want what you want just because it’s not at the exact same time. As a wise woman I know once said, “The right thing at the wrong time can still be the wrong thing.” Impatience has jacked many a couples up.
Then there’s this type of shut up ring that I read about via a TODAY article not too long ago: “I fought for it. I fought for him to recognize the relationship as something that was serious, something that mattered. I fought for him to realize that we needed to consider next steps. I fought for him to understand that my needs and desires matter. So he proposed.” Fought to get engaged. Whew.
The long story short here is this is the stance that this woman took after 3 ½ years of dating. However, she ended up canceling the wedding 2 ½ months before she was to stroll down the aisle because she ended up feeling more disconnected from her partner than ever.
Two years later, she has no regrets in doing so. Listen, her ex-fiancé wasn’t interviewed for the piece, yet again, I have worked with enough couples to say that this doesn’t automatically mean that she wasn’t “his person” or that he was setting himself up to settle. Sounds more like he was low-key resenting her for even putting him in the position of having to “prove” himself in the first place.
Hmph, some of y’all aren’t gonna wanna hear this, but — just like women don’t like to be pressured into sex, men don’t like to be pressured into marriage. #justsayin’
And then there’s the BuzzFeed article entitled, “19 Times People Realized They Got A ‘Shut Up’ Ring And Their Partner Didn't Actually Want To Get Married.” Let’s just say that many of the stories confirm what I just said in the last sentence of the above paragraph. SMDH.
Real talk, I could provide all types of scenarios to prove that a shut up ring is not a monolith; indeed, so many dynamics can result in a woman getting a ring before a man is truly ready to give her one. What I will say, for all of them across the board, is that no matter what the behind-the-scenes details of the relationship may be, ending up with this type of ring is never something that a woman should aspire to. In part, because of the red flags that automatically come with having one on your finger.
Red flags like what?
3 Things That Makes a Shut Up Ring a Huge Red Flag
We all know what a red flag is; it’s a warning, and a warning is something that warns, puts you on notice, or alerts you to take heed of something — or someone. Well, when you think of a shut up ring, anything that wants you to “shut up” is already problematic, right? Because, oftentimes, what that means is they are starting to process your words as low-key noise (I mean, look up the definition of shut up some time) — and that never can be good. Okay, but aside from the obvious, there are three other red flags about a shut up ring that immediately come to my mind.
1. Pressure makes diamonds, not healthy relationships. It is Winston Churchill who once said, “You can measure a man’s character by the choices he makes under pressure,” and again, some of you are gonna want to click off of this article after I say this, but, a man who doesn’t succumb to getting engaged before he is ready? That is a man of character — not the other way around.
If a man, right out the gate, will do something that he is not prepared to do, just because someone pressures him to do it, how can you trust in how he will handle other pressuring matters in the future? Not only that but, if you know that you had to pressure him to ultimately get what you want, how can you feel secure in the relationship anyway? Let’s move on to the next point.
2. Is the ring about love or…status? How many times over the years have I said that De Beers is one of the greatest scammers of all time because folks didn’t become obsessed with diamond engagement rings for any other reason than the company was going broke, they came up with the slogan “a diamond is forever” and people drank the Kool-Aid (if you don’t believe me, you can read all about ithere)? Every time I think about that, it gets me to wondering why a diamond is so crucial to so many: is it really about someone declaring their love, or is it a status symbol that they don’t even know the origin story of?
Case in point: some of y’all may remember the episode of Being Mary Jane (which has literally been years ago now) where one of her friends admitted that she bought her own engagement ring because she didn’t want to risk being embarrassed by the size that her fiancé would end up getting her. Now, what in the world does that have to do with their relationship? Sounds like she cares more about what others think about them — and no one is ultimately going to be in her relationship (if she’s wise, anyway) but her and her man. Bottom line here, is if you think you would be “fine” with a shut up ring, reevaluating the love vs. status thing is something you definitely should put some real thought into.
3. No woman should have to convince a man to marry her. Think about the last time that you tried to convince someone to do something. If you weren’t arguing or debating, you were having to provide enough “evidence” to prove that your point or perspective was right. Now, apply this to striving to get someone to marry you. Whether it’s trying to convince him that you are the one or now is the time, there is nothing self-affirming about having to prove that he should see things from your perspective. With that said, in walks the stellar groom from this video (@irisfilmsatl on IG) up top.
The first time I saw it, I played it back at least five times because I adored everything about it. Most of all? HOW CLEARLY READY THIS MAN WAS TO GET MARRIED. You can see the confidence oozing out of his pores from the moment that he showed up on the screen. And you know what? Men who are ready to get married, don’t need convincing. Rinse and repeat that conclusion, just as many times as you need to.
3 Things That Make Giving a Man an Ultimatum a Huge Red Flag
While I was reading an article entitled, “Do Most Proposals Only Happen After an Ultimatum?” from The Kit’s site, and I saw things like, “’Almost every girl I know who got proposed to [did] because they gave an ultimatum to their partner.’ More than 70 replies mostly ran the gamut of agreement: ‘Truth,’ ‘I told him to propose, or I was moving on, he picked propose,’” all I could literally do is shake my head, mostly because I know that this isn’t an exaggeration.
Geeze, I can’t tell you how many women I personally know who also fit into this…demographic. It’s not a good thing either because, no matter how popularized ultimatums have become, at the end of the day, an ultimatum is a threat — on some levels, even worse, it’s what PsychCentral once said on the topic in their article, “Should You Ever Give an Ultimatum In a Relationship?”: “...ultimatums often come from desperation.”
Let’s explore more of what an ultimatum is.
1. Ultimatums are threats (and it can’t be said enough). The reason why I thought that this video (krewseason on TikTok) was appropriate for this particular portion of the video is he’s right: if you’re going to make a threat, you need to follow through — and a lot of y’all ain’t ready to walk away if a man doesn’t give you a ring when you want it; you’re just hoping that he’ll be “too scared” to lose you. Okay, but don’t you get that if you have made your desires clear about where you want the relationship to go and he hasn’t made any moves, there is no need to threaten him anyway?
Men count up the cost of things more than they are given credit for in this culture, and so throwing ultimatums left and right is only going to cause you to become more mentally and emotionally unsettled and him to start seeing you as the boy — well, girl — who cried wolf because you keep threatening to do something that you know that you…won’t.
2. Whether it’s impatience, fear, or control, there is nothing loving about any of this. I loathe relationship ultimatums — I really do. One reason is because, one of the things that immediately comes to mind is the Scripture, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
If you add to that the fact that the Good Book also says in I Corinthians 13:4 that “love is patient” (which, by definition, means that it waits well and doesn’t complain a lot) — well, if you are trying to control the outcome of your relationship because you are impatient, fearful or both…maybe you need to reevaluate how sincere, genuine and healthy your love actually is (and I’ll just leave that right there).
3. Giving an ultimatum puts the relationship on shaky ground. Earlier this year, PEOPLE published, “What Is a 'Shut Up Ring?' Woman Explains How Her Ex's Proposal Didn't Fix Their Flawed Relationship (Exclusive).” When you get a chance, check it out. For now, I’ll say that one of my favorite parts is when the woman said, "As soon as the dust settled, I realized the ring, the proposal, the marriage, the wedding — none of that changed anything…We still had all the exact same problems that we had before."
That’s the other thing about ultimatums: even if the guy does give in to you (and many do), do you realize that by giving an ultimatum in the first place, that means you both aren’t on the same page — perhaps even the same chapter or even the same…love story? I have worked with couples where the wife gave an ultimatum, the now-husband gave in) and they still have a ton of trust issues…and a part of the reason is because of how they got engaged in the first place: the movement after a threat and, oftentimes, all that does is temporarily deflect from the issues that already exist, or it puts cracks in the foundation of the relationship in ways that neither person expected.
If He’s Not Ready to Marry You, That (Usually) Means One of Three Things
Okay, so what if you are ready for your man to put a ring on your finger, he knows this, and it seems like nothing is happening. What in the world is going on? For the most part, one of the following things is probably the case.
1. You’re not the right person. I promise y’all that one day, I’m gonna go on tour with my belief that you should never substitute familiar for good or good for right — and honestly, a lot of folks end up in divorce court due to this very thing: choosing someone who they are very familiar with or selecting an individual who is a good person yet isn’t exactly RIGHT for them. How to know if someone is right for you is its own article; however, a good starting place is “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life” — wait for it — as you do the same thing for him.
And the only way to know this is to have some hard conversations about each other’s purpose, each other’s values, and each other’s life goals and aspirations. Believe you me, when a man knows that a woman is right for him, he’s not going to drag his feet; he will put a plan into place and let her know that he is doing so…without her needing him to “help things along.”
2. It’s not the right time. I know a guy right now who has entered into the ultimatum portion of the program when it comes to his relationship. While his girlfriend is pushing him, he is taking some steps back because he has been trying to purchase a home before proposing, and he wanted to surprise her with it. However, because she can’t seem to talk about anything but when he is going to pop the question, now he’s wondering about the timing and the woman: “If this is how she is as a girlfriend, I’m starting to wonder if it will only get worse as a wife.” That’s a valid point.
That said, though, if you want to know when the “right” time is for a man to make you his fiancée, I wrote “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married,” and it addresses that (cheat sheet: after two years of dating). However, no two relationships or details in them are the same. Listen, a lot of couples go into debt, just from their wedding alone (almost 60 percent, in fact). To him, it’s right when he not only has a ring to put on her finger but a home to move her into as well — and her impatience may just rob her of both. For shame.
3. Marriage isn’t on his menu. The main reason why I thought this clip from singer Shanice was perfect for this particular point is it proves, yet again, that — and yes, I am yelling it — WHEN A MAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HE WILL GET MARRIED. And to tell you the truth, that is where a lot of women mess up: they date men who aren’t interested in getting married, whether that is around the same time that the women are or…ever.
And again, the guys who fall in the “B” box, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you (check out “He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?”); it just means that they don’t want what you do. If marriage is something that you are super serious about, make that known out the gate — don’t wait until your feelings are “all in” and then get mad at him because you think that if he loves you, he should overlook his own needs and simply give you what you want.
Not only is that potentially delusional, but it’s also hella unfair. Besides, men who are marriage-minded tend to date differently than those who aren’t — they aren’t gonna be cool with you having to pressure them; they have inspired themselves to get prepared.
Always Remember That a Shut Up Ring Is a Choice
@kvy3m the problem is you think you have time. do you see how fast the year has gone by already? you better start doing all the things youve always wanted to doo #cinematography #film #filmtok #cinematic #videography #capcut #comingofage
This past spring, when I wrote, “These 12 Women Broke Off Their Engagements. Here's Why.” for the platform, I don’t think I stopped to consider that there were some “shut up ring scenarios” in it — but there were and boy, am I proud of those former fiancées for not settling for less by thinking that a shut up ring is good enough…because it isn’t. Y’all, marriage is too sacred, too special, and far too important to go into it with one person basically being like, “Here. Now will you stop nagging me?” and another being like, “As long as I get what I want, I don’t care how he ultimately feels about it.” Ughs. All the way around.
And that’s why I wanted to end all of this with the A SHUT UP RING IS A CHOICE. Meaning, a woman who accepts one of those isn’t a victim of her relationship because if she felt like pressuring someone to get what she wants is the right thing to do (it’s not), that is a conscious decision.
HOWEVER, as this last video (kvy3m on TikTok) basically implies, life is too short (and precious) to move in this fashion because, as writer Maureen Dowd once said, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for” — and a shut up ring is 1000 percent settling for less which means that you are wasting your time because marriage is too long to go into it with someone who got you something, so that you’ll quit talking about it…because your words translated as low-key noise in his mind (ouch).
And so, since a shut up ring is a choice, I hope that all this will remind you to NEVER CHOOSE ONE.
____
Clear communication. Honest intentions. Being on the same page. This helps you to get an engagement ring instead of a shut up ring. Both are your choice.
Sis, you are of great value. PLEASE…choose wisely.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Grace Cary/Getty Images