“Reclaiming my time” isn’t just a catchphrase coined by our beloved ‘Auntie’ Maxine Waters. It is an assertion that Black Americans have been striving to obtain for centuries. Pillaged and plucked from our Motherland, stripped of our culture, and robbed of our freedom, Black Americans have fought vigorously to not only reclaim our time but to reclaim our identity for centuries. While the foundation was laid by those who came before us, the world saw an undeniable shift in 2020.
George Floyd, like so many others, paid the ultimate price. As a result of his untimely death, the world reached a tipping point. Black squares standing in solidarity filled our timelines, companies plastered their promises on their websites, and DEI, all of a sudden, became a buzzword. The world was now “woke” from its all-too-complacent slumber.
More than ever before, the nation wanted to hear our stories and right its wrongs. Let’s be clear, not everyone shared these sentiments. Go to any corporate Instagram page and read the comments under any Black-centric, supporting post. The vileness of some keyboard warriors never ceases to amaze me. Nonetheless, historic shifts were made. People like Dr. Opal Lee, the 95-year-old activist who set out to walk from Texas to Washington D.C. in hopes of gaining support from Congress to officially name Juneteenth a national holiday, finally saw her dreams and hard work manifest into reality. For the first time since its inception over 150 years ago, Juneteenth became a recognized Federal holiday in June 2021.
Now, more than ever, people are privy to the date etched in history in which all enslaved Black people were set “free” as deemed by the Emancipation Proclamation. This day, when General Gordon Granger rode into Galveston, Texas with his Union soldiers to inform over 250,000 enslaved Black people they were now free, came two and a half years after the actual Emancipation Proclamation, on June 19th, 1865. Despite Black history, Black stories, and Black celebrations like Juneteenth being brought to the forefront, there are still seemingly gaps that need to be bridged between our present and our past. There are stories from our ancestral archives that need to be told and retold, so that our history, all too often diminished by high-rise condos, quaint cafés, and overpriced artisanal shops, may never be forgotten.
This was evident when I made my first visit to Houston a year ago and learned about the history and legacy of Freedmen’s Town, a neighborhood built by newly freed Black Americans in the 1800s. This was a community built by hand, brick-by-brick, where Black businesses boomed and Black families flourished. It was a place where Blacks had freedom of choice and could reclaim their identities that had been stripped through years of slavery and oppression. There were dozens of Freedmen’s Town settlements across the United States, but most notably in Texas. Houston’s Freedmen’s Town is the only remaining freed slave community of its kind in the United States.
Not surprisingly, Texas was the location of the first Juneteenth celebrations. In 1872, Jack Yates and members of his church raised $1,000 to purchase ten acres of land in Houston, known as Emancipation Park. This community cornerstone served as a formal gathering space for Juneteenth celebrations.
While the nation may be just now catching on to Juneteenth celebrations, Juneteenth roots run deep in Texas. To get a better idea of how Texans honor and celebrate Juneteenth in this day and time, their perceived importance of the holiday, and how they define their Blackness, I tapped some locals to get their perspective.
Zion Escobar
Executive Director of the Houston Freedmen's Town Conservancy (HFTC)
Courtesy of Zion Escobar
I, myself, have older family members who have never heard of Juneteenth, despiteJuneteenth having been around for over 150 years now. Why do you think there are still so many people who don’t know about this celebration?
When I’m kind of pondering that question, I really actually have to reflect on the surface level -- why I think people don’t know about this, and then the deeper level -- why I think they don’t know, right?
And, if I start with the idea that context is everything, I truly believe that once the country is introduced to the story of freedom -- which, a.k.a., the story of Freedmen’s Town, the story of the Houston/Galveston region’s Juneteenth story, and the context that has, to the social justice movement happening throughout the country, to modern-day issues of policing and how all of these things really track back culturally to norms and Jim Crow laws, and post-Reconstruction Era, decisions that were made, in regards to redlining in Black communities and culture erasure -- when people have that context, they’ll realize that a lot of the things that they are out in the streets fighting for, that this is so not new.
That this problem is 150+ years old. I think that more people will start to understand. The example that I would use as a kind of that beacon of hope is that the 1619 Project has set the context for America, for a conversation that’s been around since 1619.
So, I think the answer is that context is everything. People have a tendency to say, “Oh, Juneteenth is about slavery and nobody wants to talk about slavery” and people actually don’t understand that it’s actually the story of freedom. And, it’s the story of what we did, what Black excellence looks like before all these systems of oppression really took hold and were established as a system.
As the Director of Houston’s Freedmen’s Town Conservancy have you seen an evolution in the way that Juneteenth has been celebrated in Houston? How so?
As the director of the Houston Freedmen’s Town Conservancy, I have seen a substantial shift in how Juneteenth is being celebrated in Houston. Case in point, we’ve been free for over 150 years now, and for the first time ever, the grassroots, the foundational non-profit organizations’ leadership in Houston have come together to collaborate on a city-wide Juneteenth experience; meaning, we are not just having a parade that the city gets to come to.
As Black organizations, we are working with each other to uplift, co-program, co-fund, co-market and communicate what this is about, and to show unity in a way that I think people need to see around the world -- that we are all on board with this story and we understand that this needs to come into the American consciousness in a very real and solid way and we are showing up to do the work and we understand the assignment.
[In] previous years, I can’t say that there was such a cohesive consciousness of understanding, and the social justice movement has awakened that vigor, that thing, within everyone to say, ”We need to get it together and make sure that the story is clear and that the context is clear”; because people are celebrating Juneteenth in far reaches of the globe and they don’t have the context. Which is how you get Juneteenth ice cream and Juneteenth Vaseline.
"It’s too important to the fabric of Houston’s history, to America’s history, to the history of the slaves that came and laid the foundation for what we know as Houston today that all of America is celebrating -- the wonderful Black culture and music and expressions that have come from Houston. People need to understand the context."
So, we are ready to do that work, because we are not going to see the Cinco de Mayo of Juneteenth, where people say it’s tacos and beer and no one actually knows the true history. It’s too important to the fabric of Houston’s history, to America’s history, to the history of the slaves that came and laid the foundation for what we know as Houston today that all of America is celebrating -- the wonderful Black culture and music and expressions that have come from Houston. People need to understand the context. So, it’s evolved because it is time and we’re ready and I think the consciousness of the collective community is ready. And so, I’m excited to see what we do and I’m excited to continue this inaugural effort in collaboration with everyone.
Finish this sentence: My Black is ________.
Resilient.
Lauren Greer
Principal
Courtesy of Lauren Greer
Black history is American history. As an educator, how are you seeing Juneteenth being taught in school systems, if at all?
So, that’s interesting just because as an educator, just in light of all the things that have happened recently, there’s some conversations about critical race theory and things of that nature, and because I am in an urban school district, there have been lots of initiatives just around all things cultural diversity and things of that nature. I will say though, as far as just teaching Juneteenth in and of itself, I still haven’t seen that in the classrooms. However, I’m also in an elementary school setting as well. So, it looks a little bit different than what it looks like say in middle school or high school or something like that.
This is the first year, though, where they have the actual holiday on the school calendar. So, my kiddos are off on June 20, that Monday. This will be the first time ever that that’s happened. There are lots of schools in our district. We have different calendars that are already on summer break, but my babies are not on summer break yet. So, we will actually experience the national holiday for Juneteenth while we are still in school. So, while there are initiatives for cultural diversity, Juneteenth still is not a primary focus, as of yet.
As a Texan, has Juneteenth always been something that was celebrated by you and your family? Please explain.
Yes. A lot of the things that I learned, like all things Black history and Black culture, things like that I actually learned at church. Because, the neighborhood I grew up in was a predominantly Caucasian neighborhood, but my church was always Black American. So, from Black history plays, to Juneteenth, to picnics in the park, to the parades that come with it, all of that has always been a part of my upbringing. So, it was not uncommon to literally go to the neighborhood park for all of these things -- for picnics, and just, you know, games, and things of that nature.
Learning all the history that comes with all that was just an embedded part of what I learned in church all the time. And, then just my mom, she just wanted to make sure that we knew our history and so literally I grew up hearing about this all the time in my household, on Sundays or Wednesdays, Vacation Bible Schools, all of those things is the space that I really learned all of the things Black history and Black culture.
How do you celebrate and honor Juneteenth now?
All things Blackity Black Black Black to be completely honest. Usually, getting with friends, picnics, hanging out in the backyard, just reminiscing on history. But, we kind of live it every single day. So, now that there’s a national holiday for it, so to speak, that doesn’t change how we’ve always felt about it, it doesn’t change how we always felt about our culture. It’s given us a space to embrace it a little bit more. Just because of all the things that have happened in our nation in the last few years it’s kind of really drawn light to some things. So, it causes us to be more aware of our culture and also more proud of our culture and who we are as well.
And, so, we take those opportunities on a daily basis to kind of reminisce, but on that day we like to get together and kind of hang out and chill together as well. So, that will probably likely happen again this year. We will all probably get together at somebody’s house just to be around each other.
Finish this sentence: My Black is __________.
When I thought about that question, the cliche answer is 'beautiful.' But, then, as I was thinking about it again this morning -- my Black is needed. I really believe that all of us have been given an assignment on the earth. And I really believe that there’s something that I bring to the table that someone else doesn’t bring, and there’s something that someone else brings to the table that I don’t bring. So, I feel like it is so needed. There has been a target out for our culture for so long, and I feel like we cannot allow society to keep subtracting from our culture.
"There are people that need us to stand in the gap. There are lessons that need to be learned from each and every last one of us. And there is wisdom that needs to be poured into the land. And, each one of us has a responsibility to do that."
Whether it be through entertainment, whether it be through politics, whether it be through education we can’t allow that because we are needed. There are people that need us to stand in the gap. There are lessons that need to be learned from each and every last one of us. And there is wisdom that needs to be poured into the land. And, each one of us has a responsibility to do that. Lauren has a responsibility to do that too, in all of Blackness and all of her educated-ness. The world needs that, and so my Black is needed.
Ebony Parker
Residential Loan Officer
Courtesy of Ebony Parker
What does Juneteenth mean to you?
Juneteenth to me is a representation of perseverance and displays our ability to make lemonade out of lemons at any time. It is us, as a people, continuing to get the leftovers but making them appear as a five-course meal. Juneteenth is the beginning of laying the foundation for our future as the freedom finally granted was the work of our ancestors, but the starting point for us to be able to accomplish the many things we have accomplished. Without the notification of freedom, we would still be sitting on the sidelines, unfortunately. Instead, we are now the trendsetters that everyone is continuously trying to duplicate, unsuccessfully.
As a born and raised Texan, has Juneteenth always been something that was celebrated by you and your family? Please explain.
Unfortunately, Juneteenth wasn’t always celebrated for me. The school system, especially in Texas, has always taught a watered-down and quite often inaccurate version of history, typically leaving out any representation of Black people outside the role of slaves (which unfortunately the textbooks now also consider us as “workers” instead as that narrative makes them appear innocent versus revealing the genocide and cruel things done to my ancestors and even more unfortunate are the things that are still occurring daily). My mother, too, was uneducated on the significance of the day and unable to pass down the knowledge.
"Juneteenth is the beginning of laying the foundation for our future as the freedom finally granted was the work of our ancestors, but the starting point for us to be able to accomplish the many things we have accomplished."
Therefore, I began educating myself on Black culture in college and embraced Juneteenth while finding less of a desire to celebrate July 4 as it along with other “federal holidays” wasn’t an inclusive holiday for those of us that didn’t meet the “standard."
How do you celebrate and honor Juneteenth now?
I like to do all things Black at an exponential level. I ensure that I don’t allow myself to drift towards code-switching. I spend time with my loved ones being unapologetically me. I ensure to be intentional in educating my children and peers. But, more importantly, I celebrate the day by setting a new goal to crush that will further my family, community, and culture.
Finish this sentence: My Black is __________.
My Black is simply Ebony! It is beautiful, intelligent, excellence, confident, sassy, trendsetting, nurturing, loving, and perseverance!
MyKayla Searles-Houston
UTHealth Graduate Student
Courtesy of MyKayla Searles-Houston
Why do you think it's important for younger generations to learn about Juneteenth?
I think it is important for the younger generation to learn about Juneteenth because this is our history. This is a part of our culture, especially being Black and from Texas. And, I think it's important to hear from our community and families because oftentimes we are taught history from a narrative or perspective that is not centered in Blackness. So, learning about Juneteenth should be something families talk about with all age groups because one day it'll be the younger people's responsibility to pass down this information.
"I think it is important for the younger generation to learn about Juneteenth because this is our history. This is a part of our culture, especially being Black and from Texas."
How do you celebrate and honor Juneteenth?
I usually celebrate Juneteenth by hanging out with my friends or family! Somebody may barbecue, or we will go to local community festivities which are always nice. There is usually some great food around which is one of the best parts! Honestly, I just love being surrounded by Black people who show love to each other, and being together on Juneteenth is another way for us to express ourselves and have some fun!
Finish this sentence: My Black is __________.
My Black is loving, intentional, and full of care and compassion.
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Featured image courtesy of Ebony Parker
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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