I’m gonna be real with y’all — when all of those ladies came out on social media talking about they were in their “soft girl era” or “feminine era,” I couldn’t get my eyes to roll back into my head far enough. An era is a period of time, and to be, as a Black woman, thinking that femininity is temporary — well, to me, that sounds just about as ridiculous as thinking that being Black is. In other words, what era? Either you want to bask in your femininity all of the time, just because, or you’re a chameleon about it because you’ve got a cryptic agenda as it relates to what you think femininity can get you.
That latter part? Perhaps we’ll discuss it at another time. For now, though, as I was thinking about femininity and some of its synonyms, including gentle, soft, tender, delicate, ladylike, and nurturing, I thought about something that I heard years ago about Black hair and Black women overall. Someone once said that something that we have in common with our hair is we’re both like silk — strong and fragile at the same time. Not fragile in the sense of being weak; more like fragile in the sense of needing to be handled with great care.
That has always stayed with me. And so, in the effort to encourage as many women as possible to not want to treat their femininity as something that’s temporary or you can “put on and off” and instead, something that is purposeful, beautiful, and very much needed in our culture and this society at-large — I asked 12 women (middle names were used) to share their own natural hair journey; it along with what, in their opinion, their natural hair revealed to them about their own femininity throughout the process.
1. Renaye. 24. Been Natural for Three Years.
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“Once you get the hang of it, it’s so easy to just throw on a wig and go about your day. One summer, it was so hot outside that I couldn’t stand it, so I decided to go without and learn my hair. It was hard because I had never been taught before. I did a lot of online research, got my ends trimmed, and was determined to fall in love with my texture. Once I learned more about it, I wore wigs less. A lot of us are just ‘hair ignorant,’ which is a shame because our hair is really beautiful and worthy of being shown to the world in its natural state once you know how to properly take care of it.”
2. Noa. 41. Been Natural for 11 Years.
“Two things that I used to destroy were my hair and plants. They both require a lot of nurturing. And what I realized is I sucked at taking care of both because I had a very 'all or nothing' kind of attitude. One week, I was reading up on how to basically be a horticulturist and watching every natural hair care YouTube video I could find, the next week…nothing. Being consistent is what I had to come to, and then that ended up transferring into other areas — consistent spa days, consistent pampering, consistent bubble baths. Setting aside a good 20-30 minutes every day to do something for my hair — whether it’s a scalp massage, putting hair butter on my ends, or changing my style — has reminded me to have that mindset about treating myself as a woman, period.”
3. Belle. 25. Been Natural for Six Months.
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“I didn’t realize how disconnected I was from my hair until I decided to let this relaxer go. Is it kickin’ my ass? Yes. But it’s also teaching me to zone in on my being and ask my hair what it needs rather than just doing whatever is easy or convenient for me — and that has taught me a lot about femininity because I think a lot of us don’t ask ourselves what our authentic selves need. We just do whatever to get to the next day. As my roots are growing out, I’m getting to the rootof my womanhood. That’s crazy. I just thought about it that way.”
4. Crystal. 30. Been Natural for 10 Years.
“Hair is strong and fragile at the same time. So is femininity. I’m not knockin’ the sistahs who want to wear wigs and weaves because they are super convenient. But if you look at it all in a metaphor, 'covering up' is what we’re encouraged to do so much in society. Learning how to care for my hair, the way it was created, reminds me, and hopefully, those who see me, that Black femininity has a strength that is multidimensional — just like our hair. And it must be loved on and handled gently…just like our hair.”
5. Eleanor. 29. Been Natural for One Year.
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“Going natural has not been easy; I won’t lie. I think that’s kind of the point. When you make an appointment to get a retouch, and you don’t really give your hair much thought until your next appointment, you don’t focus on giving yourself what you need. Going natural forces me to have conversations with this head of mine every day. The weather is one conversation. The protective style is another conversation. What my ends want vs. what my roots need is another conversation. And all of this is showing me how to tap into what makes me a woman. It’s a difficult journey but isn’t learning about how to be a complete woman? I would think so.”
6. Yvonne. 50. Been Natural for Eight Years.
“Being a woman is about being a nurturer. And if you want to learn how to master that, take care of your natural hair. It teaches you patience. It teaches you empathy. It teaches you how to handle things with care. It teaches you how to deal with disappointment. It teaches you how to be gentle."
"It’s amazing, but I’ve actually become a better wife, mother, and even friend since going natural. My tresses were a master class.”
7. Bryn. 30. Been Natural for Two years.
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“It is such a lie, a lie that we tell ourselves, that we can’t have long, thick, flourishing natural hair. It wasn’t until I went natural that my hair thrived in the way that it does now, and although there is something sexy about a sistah with a super short ‘do, there is also something so glamorous about being able to whip my hair around. It’s stretched-out cotton that’s soft to the touch and also elegant. Natural hair is amazingly feminine.”
8. Whitnee. 27. Been Natural for Five Years.
“The simplest way to put it is when you decide to embrace all of what makes you YOU, as a woman, nothing can be more empowering and affirming — that includes your hair, and Black hair must be seen as empowering and affirming and feminine. How could it not?”
9. Nevin. 34. Been Natural for Three Years.
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“I decided to go natural, not really because I wanted to but because my scalp was getting damaged and my roots were becoming weak. All of the chemical processing from the relaxers and hair color was taking its toll. I had to get back to the foundation of who I am. Since doing that, I can teach a class on things like types and textures and which products work best. I can comment on things about being a woman that I used to leave up to my stylist — and that’s my ‘ah-ha moment’ about natural hair and femininity: I no longer rely on other people to tell me what works best for me. I have now learned for myself. Wow.”
10. Taaj. 42. Been Natural for Nine Years.
“The main thing that going natural has done for me is it’s made me a more gentle person. I used to see women with 4-type hair, and I couldn’t understand how it was so long and thick when I couldn’t get past my ears. And then I heard a woman say that if hair is growing from the scalp, you can have long hair; you have to learn how to take care of your ends. I used to be so rough with my hair, but when I started to treat my ends like they were a soft fabric, it changed everything. And as I learned to be kinder to my strands, I learned to be kinder, in general. As you can see, it’s almost at my bra strap now.”
11. Alyna. 29. Been Natural for Two Years.
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“I’m a product junkie. It’s because it has taken me a while to figure out what works best on this hair of mine. But when it comes to your question, going into stores and searching online for what will work on this head has turned into me exploring products that will pamper my skin, make me smell amazing, and amplify my femininity. Not sure that would’ve happened had I not decided to do the ‘big chop’ and go natural a couple of years back.”
12. Leeah. 45. Been Natural All of Her Life.
“Even though I absolutely have memories of hot combs burning my ears and blow-outs that seemed to take for-e-ver, to this day, I’ve never had any kind of relaxer in my hair. You know how they say that children should be trained in the way that they should go? That’s my hair journey in a nutshell.
"My mom — really both of my parents — always wanted me to feel secure in what I was born with, and because she devoted so much time into caring for my hair, I’ve always had the right products, hair tools, and techniques to bring out the best in it. And what I love about that is, it’s made me a very confident woman and taught me that, just like one day my hair’s in a twist-out, then some cornrows, then some braids, and then big and fabulous, femininity has many facets to it. None of them should be hidden. All of them should be boldly displayed.”
_____
Hmph. Couldn’t have said it better, sis. Now pardon me, y’all, as I pull out my scalp massager and Chebe hair butter and toast to my own locks and femininity. Amen? Amen.
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There is quite a bit of science to back this up too. For instance, physical touch can lower stress and boost immunity. Physical touch makes us calmer and more compassionate. Physical touch reduces pain and anxiety. Physical touch helps to cultivate emotional intimacy with other people. Physical touch creates comfort and pleasure. Bottom line, physical touch does so much for us which is why we should learn as much about it as we possibly can.
That’s not to say that all of us desire to be touched in the same fashion, though. For example, did you know that there is quite a bit of research to support the fact that men and women (overall) long to be touched in different ways?
In the effort that we all become more “fluently effective” when it comes to how we “speak” the language of physical touch to those around us (especially when it comes to our partner), let’s explore how a man wants to be touched vs. how a woman prefers to be.
Men and Women Are Different. Even When It Comes to Touch. Why, Though?
GiphyBefore I get into some things that I discovered about men and women when it comes to where they prefer to be touched and how those places differ from one another, first let’s — pardon the pun — touch on why there is even a difference in the first place. Apparently, because women’s fingers are naturally softer, they are better when it comes to touch discrimination. What is that? Touch discrimination is basically having the ability to tell the difference between different types of touch sensations. And this is probably a big part of the reason why research also says that when compassion, anger, or happiness is conveyed through touch, men and women tend to respond/react a bit differently as well.
Case in point: One study stated that when two men try to convey compassion through touch, it doesn’t really resonate well, although men can detect anger, even through the slightest touch, extraordinarily well. And happiness? Well, when two women are sharing that feeling through touch, it is clearly conveyed — meanwhile, between a man and a woman or two men? Yeah, not so much.
The thought process for these three emotions is, when it comes to compassion because women have been the prominent caregivers throughout history, they have “mastered” the ability to express it. Anger? Remember, men are good at detecting it — studies say that it’s because they tend to feel and express anger more often; I’d venture to say that being protectors and providers requires being aware of that emotion far more often as well. Happiness? Reportedly, women tend to be happier more often than men are and they also convey their emotions, openly, more than men do too.
How Men Feel About Physical Touch (Overall)
GiphyOkay, so when it comes to unique things about men and women as it relates to touch, let’s start with the fellas, out the gate. I wanna do that because, when I was doing my research on all of this, I immediately came across something that proved what I just said in the intro. What part in particular? Did you know that, even when it comes to truly platonic friendships, men still wish that their female friends would engage in physical touch more than women do (via their male friends)?
That’s because, even when it comes to intimacy among friends, physical touch displays trust and a feeling of closeness — and research says that men find that to be valuable. And so yes, this does amplify the point that physical touch and the need for it go well beyond sexual intimacy.
Still, I’m sure that it comes as absolutely no surprise that if you were to ask a group of men and women who prefer the love language of physical touch more, it’s going to be men (especially if they are over the age of 45). And while there are many theories for why this is the case, mine is that, since men are traditionally known and expected to be providers and protectors and that is hard work, I think they feel safe, reassured, seen, validated and deeply cared for through physical touch. It’s a way for them to get “off of the clock” from using touch to take care of others to being touched in a nurturing way.
Some other interesting things about men and touch is, although women seem to be more at ease with being touched overall, guys are more comfortable with being touched by strangers, especially in a flirty way (in part, because they process it as a potential for “opportunity” — read between the lines there), they prefer women touching them over being touched by men and they are known to initiate touch more if who they are touching is a woman.
And what about touch as it relates to sexual intimacy? Well, according to science, while both men and women enjoy their genital region, lips, ears, shoulders, and inner thighs to be caressed, men also respond to the back of their legs to be touched while women barely even acknowledge that part of their body (in this way). Men also consider their hands to be an erogenous zone far more than women do. It should also be noted that men are more aroused by touching their partner than being touched by them.
How Women Feel About Physical Touch (Overall)
GiphySo, what about women and touch? Well, something that is associated with women quite a bit is affective touch. If you’re not familiar with what that is, affective touch is all about having the ability to touch in a way that cultivates feeling and emotion. Not only do women tend to be better at doing it, but they also find it to be a more pleasurable experience than men do. Research says that this is because of the fact that, overall, women have had more positive experiences, as it related to touch than men.
Something else that is interesting about affective touch is women who express themselves through touch are typically considered to be more affectionate and trusting as opposed to men who touch a lot. And so, since women like to give affective touch, they are also highly responsive to it — and that could explain why women like to touch and be touched (like reaching out to touch someone’s hand) when someone is sharing their thoughts and feelings with them.
Another thing to note about women and touch is because their pain perception is a lot more sensitive than men’s, even slight adjustments in touch (pressure, temperature shifts in body parts, etc.) will affect them in a way that won’t affect men. When it comes to sexual intimacy, specifically, this could explain why even a slight shift in touch can bring a woman into or take a woman out of the mood far easier and quicker than it would a guy’s.
Something else that should go on record here is how women respond to touch based on their menstrual cycle. For instance, when a woman is ovulating, she tends to be more sensitive to touch; plus, she also finds kissing to be more of a priority. Meanwhile, the drastic shifts in hormones during menopause and postmenopause can make women less sensitive to touch.
As far as sex and sexual stimulation go, women reportedly like to be touched more than to touch. Also, when a man looks into a woman’s eyes while touching her, that increases her arousal levels significantly (men prefer women to gaze at their genitalia; not sure if anyone is shocked there — LOL). Places where they prefer to be touched include their breasts, neck, and butt; some even say that they can orgasm just from being stimulated in those spots (along with their lips and ears). As far as the type of touch that is most effective for women during copulation, oral reigns.
And what about how men feel about oral sex? Well, I once read an article that said that 27 percent of the male participants in their study would rather get some fellatio tonight than receive a raise, so…you do the math. LOL (while we’re on the topic of oral sex, a little over 50 percent of men and women find it to be more intimate than intercourse and consider refusal to engage to be a relationship deal-breaker. Agreed).
GiphyOkay, so with all of this intel on how men and women differ in the touch department, what does all of this even mean? To me, it’s a blaring reminder that even something as simple as touching has billions of layers to it — that even though touch is something that we all need, the art of it is something that must be studied and mastered; especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex and even more so when that person is our partner.
And yet, we shouldn’t take this information lightly because, when you (again) factor in all of the ways that touch is holistically beneficial…just imagine how much better intimacy would be, on all levels, if we respected how people prefer to be touched more often.
A poet by the name of John Keats once said, “Touch has a memory.” Think about that the next time you reach out to touch someone — and they reach out to touch you. Then ask yourself: what memories do you want them to have? What memories do you want to keep?
How can all of this data help to make that happen?
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