I’m gonna be real with y’all — when all of those ladies came out on social media talking about they were in their “soft girl era” or “feminine era,” I couldn’t get my eyes to roll back into my head far enough. An era is a period of time, and to be, as a Black woman, thinking that femininity is temporary — well, to me, that sounds just about as ridiculous as thinking that being Black is. In other words, what era? Either you want to bask in your femininity all of the time, just because, or you’re a chameleon about it because you’ve got a cryptic agenda as it relates to what you think femininity can get you.
That latter part? Perhaps we’ll discuss it at another time. For now, though, as I was thinking about femininity and some of its synonyms, including gentle, soft, tender, delicate, ladylike, and nurturing, I thought about something that I heard years ago about Black hair and Black women overall. Someone once said that something that we have in common with our hair is we’re both like silk — strong and fragile at the same time. Not fragile in the sense of being weak; more like fragile in the sense of needing to be handled with great care.
That has always stayed with me. And so, in the effort to encourage as many women as possible to not want to treat their femininity as something that’s temporary or you can “put on and off” and instead, something that is purposeful, beautiful, and very much needed in our culture and this society at-large — I asked 12 women (middle names were used) to share their own natural hair journey; it along with what, in their opinion, their natural hair revealed to them about their own femininity throughout the process.
1. Renaye. 24. Been Natural for Three Years.
Getty Images
“Once you get the hang of it, it’s so easy to just throw on a wig and go about your day. One summer, it was so hot outside that I couldn’t stand it, so I decided to go without and learn my hair. It was hard because I had never been taught before. I did a lot of online research, got my ends trimmed, and was determined to fall in love with my texture. Once I learned more about it, I wore wigs less. A lot of us are just ‘hair ignorant,’ which is a shame because our hair is really beautiful and worthy of being shown to the world in its natural state once you know how to properly take care of it.”
2. Noa. 41. Been Natural for 11 Years.
“Two things that I used to destroy were my hair and plants. They both require a lot of nurturing. And what I realized is I sucked at taking care of both because I had a very 'all or nothing' kind of attitude. One week, I was reading up on how to basically be a horticulturist and watching every natural hair care YouTube video I could find, the next week…nothing. Being consistent is what I had to come to, and then that ended up transferring into other areas — consistent spa days, consistent pampering, consistent bubble baths. Setting aside a good 20-30 minutes every day to do something for my hair — whether it’s a scalp massage, putting hair butter on my ends, or changing my style — has reminded me to have that mindset about treating myself as a woman, period.”
3. Belle. 25. Been Natural for Six Months.
Getty Images
“I didn’t realize how disconnected I was from my hair until I decided to let this relaxer go. Is it kickin’ my ass? Yes. But it’s also teaching me to zone in on my being and ask my hair what it needs rather than just doing whatever is easy or convenient for me — and that has taught me a lot about femininity because I think a lot of us don’t ask ourselves what our authentic selves need. We just do whatever to get to the next day. As my roots are growing out, I’m getting to the rootof my womanhood. That’s crazy. I just thought about it that way.”
4. Crystal. 30. Been Natural for 10 Years.
“Hair is strong and fragile at the same time. So is femininity. I’m not knockin’ the sistahs who want to wear wigs and weaves because they are super convenient. But if you look at it all in a metaphor, 'covering up' is what we’re encouraged to do so much in society. Learning how to care for my hair, the way it was created, reminds me, and hopefully, those who see me, that Black femininity has a strength that is multidimensional — just like our hair. And it must be loved on and handled gently…just like our hair.”
5. Eleanor. 29. Been Natural for One Year.
Getty Images
“Going natural has not been easy; I won’t lie. I think that’s kind of the point. When you make an appointment to get a retouch, and you don’t really give your hair much thought until your next appointment, you don’t focus on giving yourself what you need. Going natural forces me to have conversations with this head of mine every day. The weather is one conversation. The protective style is another conversation. What my ends want vs. what my roots need is another conversation. And all of this is showing me how to tap into what makes me a woman. It’s a difficult journey but isn’t learning about how to be a complete woman? I would think so.”
6. Yvonne. 50. Been Natural for Eight Years.
“Being a woman is about being a nurturer. And if you want to learn how to master that, take care of your natural hair. It teaches you patience. It teaches you empathy. It teaches you how to handle things with care. It teaches you how to deal with disappointment. It teaches you how to be gentle."
"It’s amazing, but I’ve actually become a better wife, mother, and even friend since going natural. My tresses were a master class.”
7. Bryn. 30. Been Natural for Two years.
Getty Images
“It is such a lie, a lie that we tell ourselves, that we can’t have long, thick, flourishing natural hair. It wasn’t until I went natural that my hair thrived in the way that it does now, and although there is something sexy about a sistah with a super short ‘do, there is also something so glamorous about being able to whip my hair around. It’s stretched-out cotton that’s soft to the touch and also elegant. Natural hair is amazingly feminine.”
8. Whitnee. 27. Been Natural for Five Years.
“The simplest way to put it is when you decide to embrace all of what makes you YOU, as a woman, nothing can be more empowering and affirming — that includes your hair, and Black hair must be seen as empowering and affirming and feminine. How could it not?”
9. Nevin. 34. Been Natural for Three Years.
Getty Images
“I decided to go natural, not really because I wanted to but because my scalp was getting damaged and my roots were becoming weak. All of the chemical processing from the relaxers and hair color was taking its toll. I had to get back to the foundation of who I am. Since doing that, I can teach a class on things like types and textures and which products work best. I can comment on things about being a woman that I used to leave up to my stylist — and that’s my ‘ah-ha moment’ about natural hair and femininity: I no longer rely on other people to tell me what works best for me. I have now learned for myself. Wow.”
10. Taaj. 42. Been Natural for Nine Years.
“The main thing that going natural has done for me is it’s made me a more gentle person. I used to see women with 4-type hair, and I couldn’t understand how it was so long and thick when I couldn’t get past my ears. And then I heard a woman say that if hair is growing from the scalp, you can have long hair; you have to learn how to take care of your ends. I used to be so rough with my hair, but when I started to treat my ends like they were a soft fabric, it changed everything. And as I learned to be kinder to my strands, I learned to be kinder, in general. As you can see, it’s almost at my bra strap now.”
11. Alyna. 29. Been Natural for Two Years.
Getty Images
“I’m a product junkie. It’s because it has taken me a while to figure out what works best on this hair of mine. But when it comes to your question, going into stores and searching online for what will work on this head has turned into me exploring products that will pamper my skin, make me smell amazing, and amplify my femininity. Not sure that would’ve happened had I not decided to do the ‘big chop’ and go natural a couple of years back.”
12. Leeah. 45. Been Natural All of Her Life.
“Even though I absolutely have memories of hot combs burning my ears and blow-outs that seemed to take for-e-ver, to this day, I’ve never had any kind of relaxer in my hair. You know how they say that children should be trained in the way that they should go? That’s my hair journey in a nutshell.
"My mom — really both of my parents — always wanted me to feel secure in what I was born with, and because she devoted so much time into caring for my hair, I’ve always had the right products, hair tools, and techniques to bring out the best in it. And what I love about that is, it’s made me a very confident woman and taught me that, just like one day my hair’s in a twist-out, then some cornrows, then some braids, and then big and fabulous, femininity has many facets to it. None of them should be hidden. All of them should be boldly displayed.”
_____
Hmph. Couldn’t have said it better, sis. Now pardon me, y’all, as I pull out my scalp massager and Chebe hair butter and toast to my own locks and femininity. Amen? Amen.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Olga Rolenko/Getty Images
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
