Do you remember the first time you learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real? Or that Lindsay Lohan really didn't have a twin in Parent Trap? For a hot ten seconds, you thought the whole world was a lie. Are my parents truly my parents? Is the sky really blue?
Issa conspiracy.
Well, this same level of disbelief kicks in when you realize how difficult this phenomenon called "adulting" can be.
Picture this: It's 8:00 PM. You just got home from a long day of work, followed by 2 hours of fake smiling and small talking at the company networking reception. Traffic on the way home is surprisingly bad for so late at night. You get home and all you want to do is curl up in bed with a glass of wine and watch This Is Us, but you remember that you need to meal prep for lunch and dinner tomorrow. You then open the fridge to begin cooking and realize that your chicken isn't defrosted. Bet. Cereal it is. In the shower, thoughts about the bills you have to pay next week consume your mind.
What's a 401(k)? Who is the IRS and why do they need my money?
Am I actually a dependent?
If I say I am, do I get my money back?
Can I finesse and stay on my parents' health insurance until I'm 30?
Ugh, why is my rent due next week? Why does everything cost money?
The water goes cold. Great. You get out of the shower and suddenly it's 11:00 PM. How? Wraps hair. Climbs in bed. Lights off. Before you doze off, you remember that you have to do this all over again the next day, and the next day, and the next…
This, my friend, is adulting. This is the life we seemingly rushed through our final days of undergrad for. This is the beginning of our new forever. Woo!
All jokes aside, late fall typically marks the end of the adulting honeymoon period where we are forced to confront our misconceptions and regroup regarding our approach for this next stage of our lives. You're starting to see the same people at the club, your workload only seems to be growing larger, and the only consistent DMs you're getting in your inbox are from Sallie Mae.
Undergrad had its own playbook and by the time we graduated, most of us learned how to dominate the game. We were the stars of organizations, knew all the places to turn for help, had our community of friends on lock. And then, poof: we're starting all over. The rules aren't the same, we have a lot less free time, and we're learning more about our wants vs. needs.
For so long, my go-to depiction of adulting was Living Single: I was going to have this squad of fabulous girlfriends, go out on all these dates, have this amazing social life, and somehow still have time for myself. Well, now as a 20-something in that very same area of Brooklyn, I am pleased to report that I have a squad of fabulous girlfriends whom I rarely see because I work long hours, ain't nobody got time to be dating all the time, and my social life and desire for me-time often clash.
I have found that this tug-o-war, this requirement that you smell the roses and prioritize what truly matters to you, is a lot more representative of adulting than anything I saw on TV. And while so much of adulting is truly a lot of fun – the clean slate, the independence, the flexibility – there also a number of curveballs. How you adjust to the unexpected is up to you, but if done right, it can make all of the difference.
Here are 6 common struggles of adulting and tips on how to make the most of them:
Everything Costs Money
Bills, bills, bills, can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo-bills? If you did then maybe we could chill. Right now, if someone were to offer me 6 months of free groceries or free tickets to Coachella, I would pick the former with the quickness. No questions asked. I said what I said.
The beginning of the month is a constant dark cloud over our month because we know that we are going to have to pay our rent, electricity, gas, and wifi bills – maybe even cable – if you're bougie like that.
For recent grads, a good majority of our college expenses were in a vacuum. You likely paid a good chunk of your schooling through grants, scholarships, loans, and possibly parental assistance on a semester basis. There was a lot of stress around the beginning and end of each semester, but what was required from you was a lot more nuanced. Now, we're being asked to make decisions regarding health care plans and life insurance, when 6 months ago the highest level of financial planning we obtained was organizing an 8 person spring break trip to Cancun.
Tip: Get organized as quickly as you can regarding your mandatory expenses. Food, shelter, transportation, student loan repayment – the basics – should be prioritized from the jump in order to avoid hiccups. I create Google Calendar notifications for my bill due dates and set up automated payments to ensure timeliness. I also met with a financial planner to discuss my long-term strategy. After doing some basic budgeting, you will have a better sense regarding your flexible income and can pursue financial mentorship for more complicated concepts like 401(k) planning and saving for graduate school. You need to know what you're working with so there are no surprises.
The Same Routine Can Get Monotonous
Depending on your job and overall lifestyle, the day to day life of adulting can get old pretty quickly. Wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat will pretty much be the mantra of the next few decades, give or take a few vacations (depending on how many days you get off *cough cough*) and spontaneous sick days. That being said, it is important to spice up your life whenever your daily routine is getting too stale.
Tip: Grab your girls and go on a short weekend trip to a nearby city or visit a new cafe that has been catching your eye. Days and weeks can blur together, months passing at a time before you realize it, if left unchecked. You need to be very intentional about making time for yourself and experiences that will make you smile amidst the slow days. Reclaim your time.
Your First Job May Not Be Your Passion
Listen here, lean in close: It's okay not to love your first job – or first couple of jobs. Even jobs you love can stress you out when the hours are demanding and/or you depend on them to pay your bills. Upon connecting with a few of my friends to discuss our new lives, a common thread is the overall shock of working full-time and how drastically different or unfilling the work is compared to our original expectations.
Tip: First, remember that learning what you dislike from a career perspective is often as just as important as learning what you do like. Whether you decide to leave or stay, during your first few months/years into a new role, you are developing a set of transferable skills that will make you a stronger employee in your next job. So, don't quit as soon as your job isn't how you imagined. Work to maintain a strong reputation, give yourself time to truly assess your environment, and try to make the best out of your current situation, so leaving on good terms is actually an option.
Maintaining Old Friendships And Building New Ones Requires More Effort
We all knew it was coming, but moving away from all of our college friends and connecting with them less frequently is a definite down downside of adulting. While you'll certainly make new friends and FaceTime the old ones, you'll eventually have to come to terms with how little free time you have for a social life in general. Unless you work with your new friend group, meeting new people can be more challenging.
Tip: Be more thoughtful about the relationships you want to maintain and the kinds of people you want closest to you. Quality does not equal quantity and it's okay to accept that some friendships are just for a season.
But, as a general tip: Be intentional.
If having a solid group of friends is important to you, actually work to cultivate one. If keeping up with your old friends is important to you, make sure you check in every once in a while. Join book clubs, invite your neighbor over for a wine night, send your BFF a funny meme to check in on her. Going with the flow does not always pan out in a world where everyone is growing, stretching, and moving at the same time. If you care about something, make it known.
Dating in Your 20-Somethings Is A Mixed Bag
I have found dating in your 20-somethings to be like a box of chocolates. Some chocolates have pretty coating but taste disgusting, some bizarre chocolates taste surprisingly good, and sometimes, it's just better to stick with what you know. All in all, there are a number of options, you don't always know what you're getting, and you can't eat all the chocolates at once, but the temptation is there.
When I first thought about moving back to NYC, the promise of an active dating life was certainly a plus. Especially, after living in Utah for a few months. While dating is definitely an option, I quickly learned that first dates get old pretty quickly and there is such a range of experience and expectations in one age demographic. Some people are already 7 years deep into their careers and want to lock it down immediately, while some barely know where their next paycheck is coming from. Guys who I originally saw myself with ultimately did not fit the bill and taking the time to truly get to know new people while balancing busy work schedules and the occasional existential crisis can grow to be too much. As annoying as dating in college was, I found it to be a lot simpler.
Tip: Despite the cliche, some of the greatest tidbits of dating advice that I've received about dating in our 20's is the importance of spending time working on ourselves, understanding what we truly want, not being afraid to communicate, and asking people to step up or to step away. There is so much pressure to compare ourselves to those around us, especially in the age of social media, and there is this incessant pressure to have all the answers. In reality, most of our peers are just as lost as we are. The harsh reality is that we'll just have to kiss a couple frogs – or keep trying different chocolates – until we figure out what truly works and who makes us the happiest. Our 20's are for growth.
There's no turning back
If only we could just decide not to adult for a few months. Just temporarily freeze the impending bills and demands and simply exist. Wouldn't that be nice?
Tip: Well girl, this ship has sailed. Bon voyage. There's no turning back. There will be ups and downs, tears and celebrations, and moments where you question it all. But, after you get ahold of your schedule, finances, and figure out who and what brings you joy in this new chapter, adulting really isn't half bad.
What are some of your adulting struggles and strategies? Tell us in the comments below.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy