TikTok has quickly become the go-to platform for all things beauty. With trends like the “clean girl makeup look” and “slugging” filling our “For You” pages, beauty lovers are inspired to level up their routines. As a result, #BeautyTikTok is evolving rapidly with new beauty hacks and influencers rising every day, making groundbreaking impacts on their community. TikTok seems to be the “perfect platform” for beauty influencers to grow, yet there’s still a wide gap for creatives of color, and Black creatives, in particular, to be seen.
Black creatives have been vocal about the recent inequalities on the platform. There has been a clear gap between exposure and opportunity from the algorithm for brand deals. There have also been unfortunate cases of content being stolen from Black creatives without any credit or recognition. As a creative myself, there have been times when I’ve felt like I had to put in more effort than my counterparts just to be noticed and when I've had to advocate for myself in order to be paid my worth. However, I love my community, so I continue to push forward and create, an adage many creatives of color live by.
In an effort to shed light on the Black content creators in the TikTok space, xoNecole chatted with five Black beauty TikTokers about their journey and experiences in the social media landscape.
Finding Your Voice and Pushing Forward
Victoria Azubuike, Beauty and Lifestyle Content Creator
Courtesy of Victoria Azubuike
“My growth as a content creator has been prolonged, and then it dramatically increased recently. I’ve recently understood my voice on TikTok and Instagram and what I want to convey to my audience. I dabbled in a few niches when I first started - mainly fashion and motivational content. Now, I’ve finally learned how to show up for myself and the community I serve. There’s no such thing as an overnight success. This journey is years of trying and sometimes feeling like giving up, there was a point I wanted to quit Instagram, as I just wasn't seeing the results... Then things finally changed. Thankfully, I found my voice.
There’s no such thing as an overnight success. This journey is years of trying and sometimes feeling like giving up, there was a point I wanted to quit Instagram, as I just wasn't seeing the results... Then things finally changed.
"I'm learning to show up as my authentic self daily, and share elements of my journey with my community. I'm learning loads, it's a process and reminding myself not to overthink certain things and think about what I would want/need to hear from somebody else. It’s not easy. However, I’m learning it’s important to still show up as my authentic self. I used to use many filters, and this year, I decided to show up as I am - even with a pimple on my face. Through time I’ve realized people respect that more. My community wants to hear from me, the content creator, and that doesn’t always mean showing up with makeup or being perfect. I’m very grateful for my community. They inspire me to push through and show up no matter my challenges."
Representation and Unity
Damilola Adejonwo, Beauty Content Creator
Courtesy of Damilola Adejonwo
"My journey as a content creator has been incredible, but at the same time, it has come with a lot of responsibility. Due to the racial climate, I always take it upon myself to show people how to respect me as a gay and Black man. Content and representation are important because they show who we are and where we come from. I want to show people that there are people who are gay, Black, and wear makeup. It’s so important to see that. I’m happy that I can show that side of myself. Although it has been a good journey for me, I think we have a lot more to do to feel fully included.
"Whenever you’re honest about your path, it’s always hard. I’ve been through so much in my life, but creating has been so therapeutic for me. Talking to the camera and sharing my story has helped many other people and me. The process allowed me to heal and have the career I have today.
Whenever you’re honest about your path, it’s always hard. I’ve been through so much in my life, but creating has been so therapeutic for me. Talking to the camera and sharing my story has helped many other people and me. The process allowed me to heal and have the career I have today.
"Believing in myself is what helped me overcome my challenges and build community. However, what I learned through that is to take time for myself. Mental health and taking a break are so important. Especially if I want to be the change, I also have to be the action. Remember to take breaks, be inspired, and know what needs to change in our community. In my community, I feel like we’re not always included, so now I make it my responsibility to include everyone for us to be unified. If I don’t take that action, other people won’t either."
Staying Positive and Being True to Yourself
Brinkley, Natural Hair Content Creator
Courtesy of Brinkley
"In the beginning, being a content creator felt easy and came out of nowhere for me. As I put in more work, I felt like I had seen less engagement. I know it’s because I am a creator of color. These days I see those who aren't part of our community do less and blow up because TikTok is showing their content. However, Black creators are constantly getting shadowbanned or not ending up on the #ForYouPage. I have over 200,000 followers, and I’m only getting 1,000 views - something is not adding up. At some point, It was disheartening, and I thought about quitting because I was putting in so much work. I can’t give up on my online community.
"Being a hair content creator, representation is important. People want to see people who look like them. I’ve realized there aren’t many people who look like me on the platform, which explains the lack of views I’m receiving. If my beauty content gets pushed out to a white audience, it will probably not do well because the relatability isn’t there.
Being a hair content creator, representation is important. People want to see people who look like them. I’ve realized there aren’t many people who look like me on the platform, which explains the lack of views I’m receiving. If my beauty content gets pushed out to a white audience, it will probably not do well because the relatability isn’t there.
"My biggest challenge has been staying positive. There are times when I do get discouraged or receive hate comments that make me feel like giving up. These are the moments when it’s important to remember who you are and not let anyone’s opinions define you. The biggest lesson has been staying true to myself. When you’re true to yourself, you can be proud of what you accomplish."
Focusing on Your Joy and What You Can Control
Alyssa Francois, Beauty + Lifestyle Influencer
Courtesy of Alyssa Francois
"My journey as a content creator has been one of the most rewarding experiences, and I'm not referring to money. Being able to cultivate a community, learn from them and offer them value is one of the best feelings. However, so many challenges come with being a content creator of color. It often feels like I have to be working 1000 times harder to get the credit or pay I deserve from brands that reach out to partner with me. This could be discouraging, but I do my best to focus on what I can control. What is in my control is making sure the content I share about healing is inspiring, educational, enjoyable, attainable, and something one looks forward to doing because healing can be ugly at times.
What is in my control is making sure the content I share about healing is inspiring, educational, enjoyable, attainable, and something one looks forward to doing because healing can be ugly at times.
"After being diagnosed with endometriosis in 2021, I embarked on a holistic healing journey because I've learned that healing goes beyond the food on your plate and medications. Taking my community on my holistic healing journey has also helped me find new ways to become and feel beautiful from the inside first. I felt that I was making a positive impact as a Black content creator when women of all walks of life reached out to me, thanking me for sharing my endometriosis journey.
"I didn't know that simply opening up more about my autoimmune disease would be interesting to my community. Being a content creator and sharing my journey to help others brings me so much joy, and I want to make sure it continuously feels this way for me."
The Power of Pivoting and Being the Change You Want To See
Trennei Adams, Beauty Influencer
Courtesy of Trennei Adams
"As a woman of color who hasn’t been in this industry very long, my experience has been great! I love the community I’ve built and continue to grow. However, I felt a lack when building a true community on TikTok. I decided to pivot over to Instagram, started taking it seriously, and posting consistently. That’s when my community started to build and form. Something about Instagram feels more intimate to me; it has now become my main platform.
"I realized I was making more of an impact on Instagram as the messages would come through. Women were thanking me for inspiring them and being transparent. Those messages mean the world to me. People are drawn to what they relate to.More than anything, I believe the world needs more kind souls. Society has made it to where it’s rare to be both kind and attractive. I am here to show that you can be both.
People are drawn to what they relate to. More than anything, I believe the world needs more kind souls. Society has made it to where it’s rare to be both kind and attractive. I am here to show that you can be both.
"I’m unapologetic about being the change I want to see. I want to see more women cheering other women on. I want vulnerability. I want to see women evolving and stepping into their power, loving themselves fiercely and confidently while also holding space for the woman next to them!
"I want young Black girls to see that whatever they want to achieve in this lifetime is possible. You can be poised, classy, well-spoken, kind, educated, have nice things, go to therapy, etc. I want that to be normal for us Black women and not a shock! My platform exudes the change I would like to see more of."
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Featured image courtesy of Trennei Adams
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At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Since the initial profound level of grief hit me at such a young age (21), it has caused me to look at grief with a lot of nuance to it.
Grief is hard. Grief is deeply self-reflective. Grief is also miraculously transformative. As John Green, the author of The Fault in Our Stars, once wrote, “Grief does not change you…It reveals you.” Legendary writer C. S. Lewis once said this about grief: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” And, as one of my all-time favorite poets, Rumi puts it, “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” Yes, including grief.
One way that loss — not just of a person but…pretty much the loss of anything that you may hold dear — can “come around” is by creating a time, atmosphere, and opportunity for real change; it does this by encouraging you to do some very serious soul-searching. Not only that, but as a science-based article that I recently read on grief stated, although grief can initially feel like emotional chaos at first, it definitely has a way of evolving us, showing us how important relationships are (including the relationship that we have with ourselves) while teaching us how to become more adaptable to change as we learn to love better — and differently.
All of this is why I’m really big on something that I call “grieving your way” into new seasons. And since the new year is a time that is considered to be a new season for so many, I figured that now would be an excellent opportunity to further explain just what I mean by “grieving your way” and why grieving into the next 12 months, before they actually arrive, just might be the best thing that you could do for yourself — and what lies ahead.
The Five Traditional Stages of Grief
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Let’s begin with the fact that, just like we can thank Dr. Gary Chapman for his concept known as the five love languages back in 1992, back in 1969, it was a Swiss American psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who created what we now call the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As I was reading a piece that shared excerpts of how Dr. Kübler-Ross explains each stage of the grieving process (which we will touch on in a sec), it reminded me that there is also something that is called the Kübler-Ross Change Curve. Basically, it’s some added phases of grief — and there are two that I think will be really beneficial for today’s exercise: testing (experimenting with new situations) and decision (the optimism that comes from trying something new).
Okay, so even though grief is oftentimes immediately associated with the death of someone only, articles that I’ve written for the platform, like “How To Heal From A Broken Friendship,” are again reminders that ANY TYPE OF LOSS that impacts your life will probably require some type of grieving. That’s the sad part. The amazing thing about allowing that reality to settle into your spirit is being willing to intentionally walk through grief can evolve you in ways that nothing else in life can.
So, let’s go through the five — well, seven — stages (with some different scenarios so that you can see how to grieve beyond death), with a bit of a twist, shall we?
1. Denial: “Life makes no sense.”
GiphySay that you just lost your job — and ugh, can there be a worse time of year for that to happen? And here’s the thing: although it might seem like it’s a common practice to fire or lay people off in December, January is reportedly the most popular month. Either way, the reason why companies do so at this time of the year is usually due to how their fiscal year falls. Anyway, when it’s you, do you even care about the reasons behind it?
All you know is you (almost always) didn’t see it coming, you’ve got bills that you had a hard time keeping up with before losing your gig, and now you have no clue what to do. The sheer shock of it all can put you into an utter state of denial because you truly can’t believe what is going on. Deeper than that, though, as Dr. Kübler-Ross breaks down what denial feels like, things just don’t make sense to you right now.
Before no longer being employed, sure there were challenges. Oh, but now, you don’t even know how you’re going to handle those. And when things don’t make sense, life can be paralyzing.
Denial stage: If there is something that you’ve recently lost that have you feeling exactly this way, you need to be able to call it out by name because, in order for things to become sensical (i.e., logically coherent) again in your mind, you’ve got to know what, specifically, has thrown you off to begin with. That said, what have you lost this year that may still not make sense to you?
2. Anger: “Anger is strength.”
GiphyWhen it comes to the emotion known as anger, I’ve always appreciated the Scripture that instructs, “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah” (Psalm 4:4-NKJV) At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being angry; anger simply means that you are displeased with something or someone — and when you lose something or someone and the emotion that you feel is anger, the dissatisfaction that’s within you is what will cause you to want to make some changes in your life so that you’re not feeling anger…forever.
Yeah, interestingly enough, when anger is imbalanced and goes all the way to the extreme, a synonym for it is acrimony — and I’m sure more than a few of us have watched Tyler Perry’s movieAcrimony (my opinion about it…I digress) to get just how problematic that can be. And yet, did you peep the pull-out quote from Dr. Kübler-Ross that I went with on anger and then what the Bible verse says that you should do when you are angry? Say that you just found out that a friend betrayed you. Although you may want to act out on how displeased you are, THERE IS STRENGTH IN BEING STILL — and then processing for a moment.
Anger stage: If losing something — even if it’s simply realizing that someone isn’t who you thought that they were — has you super frustrated right now, rather than “doing something about it,” take a moment to figure out what you are so dissatisfied with. That way, you can put steps in place to have better discernment and healthier boundaries in the future.
Exhibiting the kind of self-control that responds instead of reacts is a true sign of real maturity, and oftentimes, you don’t realize you’ve gotten there until you go through the loss of something that has angered you so.
3. Bargaining: “We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.”
GiphyChile, is it bargaining — or is it begging? There is someone I know who is attached to such a toxic individual; one way I know that to be true is because she is constantly “bargaining” in order to try and make the relationship work (well, last, because it really isn’t working). Because she so wants things to be how they were, shoot, 20 years ago, she finds herself trying to make deals with the guy, with herself, and even with God (via the “If you make him do this, I will do that” prayers).
Honestly, it’s so difficult to watch her remain in the pattern of bargaining that I’ve had to mentally and emotionally remove myself a bit because she is literally hellbent on remaining stuck in the past even though philosopher Thomas Hobbes once so eloquently stated, “Hell is truth seen too late.” As I’ve been processing all of this, what I realize is probably what’s hardest to see is how much she is remaining loyal to the past, even though the past is gone.
It’s like she would literally rather remain loyal to “back then” with him, even though both of them are not the same people anymore — even though it is totally at the cost of what could be…with someone else…who would probably be so much better for her.
Bargaining stage: The fascinating thing about the bargaining stage of grief is it’s like you want to avoid the pain that’s associated with loss so much that you’re not even willing to consider that the pain won’t last always. Plus, it could be strengthening you for so much more that is in store. That said, if you are constantly making deals with someone or prayer deals with God, ask yourself if, like C. S. Lewis said, fear is motivating you — because if that is the case, yeah…that ain’t good.
Another Scripture? “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV) This Scripture is a reminder that when you’re in the bargaining phase when it comes to loss, all you’re really doing is…well, tormenting yourself. So, take a moment to ponder if, on some level, right now…are you? Are you trying so hard to avoid the pain of releasing the past that you’re only causing more harm to yourself in the process?
4. Depression: “Empty feelings present themselves…”
GiphyIf you’ve ever heard before that depression is simply “anger turned inward,” it is the famed neurologist Sigmund Freud who once said it, and yes, there can certainly be some truth to that. To me, though, I think depression (not clinical depression but the kind that is typically associated with grief) is more about…emotional exhaustion. Like Dr. Kübler-Ross says, you have been feeling so much about what you have lost that you don’t have much of anything left — including hope.
What’s potentially concerning about that, though, is it’s important to remember what one of my favorite definitions of hope actually is: “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” Did you peep that hope doesn’t always mean that you can have what you want (including what you may have lost)? Oh, but if you hold on to hope anyway, what you can be sure of is, at some point, you will see how things really did turn out for the and your best.
Depression stage: The end of a relationship. The loss of a pet. The unexpected emptiness that comes from changing jobs, leaving a church, or moving to another city. If one of the top words that you would use to describe how you are feeling is depressed, and now you realize that more accurately, it’s because there is a sense of hopelessness, now is the time to remember that, again, just because something may not have gone as you wanted it to, that doesn’t mean that the universe does not have your best interest, in mind.
Now is the time to explore and express what has caused you to lose hope (the first definition) and what you can do to restore it (the second one).
5. Acceptance: "We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves."
GiphyAs a control freak in recovery, something that has made going through my own seasons of grief move a lot faster is learning to accept things — for starters, accepting that loss is a part of life, and absolutely no one escapes it. This means that when I do lose a person, place, thing, or even (sometimes an) idea, that doesn’t mean that the world is against me; it simply means that I am not exceptional when it comes to escaping grief — that I must humble myself and accept that very real fact.
And what does it mean to be at a place of acceptance? Acceptance is about flexibility. Acceptance is about patience. Acceptance is about…just what the quote up top says about acceptance: knowing that it’s time to reorganize some things because, when we lose something or someone, it is time to shift…and then be okay with the shifting that is required — and necessary.
Acceptance stage: If something has happened in your life that you just refuse to accept, ask yourself why that is the case. If you’re really and truly honest with yourself, a lot of it probably has to do with the fact that you’re still trying to control things that are well beyond your control — and gee, why put yourself through the drama and trauma of continuing to do that?
As philosopher Maxime Lagacé once said, “The first step towards change is acceptance. Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That’s all you have to do.” And you know what? Really, at the end of the day, all acceptance is saying is, “I recognize the loss and how it has altered my life. Now, I am ready to reorganize some things, create a new normal, and embrace who I am about to become as a result of what has transpired.”
Bonus Stages of the Grieving Process
Beginning Something New GIF by T-Pain - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyOnce you have completed these exercises in the traditional five stages of grief, it’s time to tackle what I call “bonus stages” — it’s time to test out some new situations and make the decision to look at it all with a positive lens.
Testing: Experimenting with New Situations
Question: When was the last time you experimented with your life by doing something new? When it’s all said and done, experimenting is simply doing something in order to learn what you don’t already know. And y’all, after a loss, one thing that can be exciting about what’s next (after going through the acceptance stage) is you can give yourself permission to do things that are unfamiliar — things that will help you to learn about who you now are as the direct result of how the loss has transformed you.
Yes, once you’ve fully accepted that you are now a different person, it’s time to find some new/other people, places, things, and ideas that will complement who and what loss has caused you to become. And if you look at it from the right perspective, that can cause excitement to replace your feelings of despair (which, by definition, is a loss of hope).
Decision: The Optimism of Trying Out Something New
Choosing to be positive. Sometimes, grief will try and lie to you by saying that you don’t have a choice in how to feel or be. And although you should absolutely allow yourself to go through all of the stages of grief (so that you can process your loss fully), the mere fact that you have survived/are surviving the loss means that you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
It also means that yes, you can CHOOSE TO BE POSITIVE about what the loss has taught you about you, along with what lies ahead as the “new” you. And so, as you are “testing things out,” choose what will make you feel great about what’s next. Don’t compromise that on any level.
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It is Queen Elizabeth who said around the time of the 9/11 terrorist attacks that, “Grief is the price that we pay for love.” When we care about something profoundly, and we lose it, grief comes. Hopefully, though, this article has shown you how to work through grief in a way where you won’t fear it; instead, decide to embrace grief because you know that it almost certainly brings about (internal) change and, if you choose well, ultimately…change for the better.
And y’all, that is why I think “grieving into new seasons” is an absolutely wonderful (and highly recommended) thing to do. When processed differently, grief can be its own gift. Amen.
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