I was on my third glass of wine when I sent the text message disclosing everything that I'd just found out.
My heart was beating through my chest, while the source of my anguish sat in front of me in a solemn state. His confession just turned my world upside down.
I paced the floor with my mind in a million different places. Contemplating on what I'd say and how I'd say it, I threw back the last of my wine and sat down and across from the bearer of some quite shocking news.
We sat in silence. I was staring at the floor when my phone rang. I watched as it went to voicemail and then started over again. After about three times of this cycle, I received a very long text message. It said something along the lines of, "I don't know what you're talking about. Who told you that?...."
I chuckled to myself to keep from becoming unnecessarily violent with the things that I owned.
"I'm sorry, but I thought you should know," was all the other man that sat in front of me could say as we hugged goodbye.
I didn't blame him. I was grateful that he told me.
Having my fill of excitement for the day, I switched my phone to "silent" and called it a night. I tossed and turned in bed feeling uneasy.
As an avid reader of magazine articles and blog sites, nothing is was available for my aid. Elle didn't have the answers and Cosmopolitan only provided ways to keep a man satisfied. Not one shred of information turned up for me to reference and even after reading this article, there still won't be. I couldn't be the first woman to find out that her sexual partner was also interested in men.
Without realizing it, I had become Molly from Insecure. But worse. At least she got disclosure about her man's past with other men beforehand. I was robbed of that.
It wasn't like we didn't have intimate conversations.
We'd been dating for six months without a title of anything serious, but it was clear we weren't seeing other people. Or so I thought.
We confided in each other. We'd had plenty of talks about our sexual past. We had the cliché body count q&a and even went as far as discussing fantasies. My snow white Vera Wang sheets were home to moments where we both tucked our vulnerabilities into bed and dismissed thoughts of the outside world. We lived in a place where judgment didn't exist. He had multiple opportunities to be honest. I mean for heaven sakes, it was my right to know. I couldn't wrap my head around how a person could be so selfish.
The feeling of thinking you know someone only to find out that you don't know them at all is something that I don't wish on anyone.
I woke up the next morning and answered his incoming call. As expected, we did a song and dance of lies and denial. He came clean when I provided him the same details that were given to me. I asked him why he chose not to tell me.
He responded with, "I didn't want you to look at me differently and I wasn't ready to let you go."
We both sat in silence for a while. The dead air must have become too heavy for him because before long, he stated:
"I don't think another man giving me head makes me gay."
I said nothing, paralyzed with shock that it all was happening.
He said it over and over again, almost as if he thought him saying it enough would align me with his train of thought. It didn't, it only caused me to become confused.
I became irritated by him repeating this statement because, to me, it wasn't true.
"You were in a relationship with him. You kissed him, and shared those same intimate moments that you shared with me with him. It doesn't make you gay, it makes you bisexual."
He agreed that they had a relationship, which was right before he and I started ours, but begged to differ that it made him attracted to men. I didn't want to argue with him any longer. I couldn't decide if I was more angry at the fact that he lied or that he was in complete denial about his sexuality. Either way, I ended it. I don't tolerate liars and he needed to figure out or embrace his sexuality, which was something I couldn't do for him. To this day, he's still living in denial and I wonder how heavy that must be for him.
I'm not sure if he is involved with men currently, nor is it my business, but if he is, I sincerely hope that he has learned to embrace it.
Oddly enough, I understood him not wanting that to be his truth out of fear that he'd never be able to find a woman who is fine with his additional preference. There is an ever-present stigma tied to women not wanting to date a bissexual man. However, men will date a woman who likes women and is often applauded amongst his friends for it. I personally believe that the stigma birthed guys who have to sneak to indulge in a pleasure that is desirable to them all while still wanting the love of a woman.
We all know these men as "brothers on the DL".
So, there I was feeling bamboozled by a man so lost, he decided to play for both teams and only claim one. If we live in a society where everyone claims to be open and receiving to all, then why do we have so many ashamed to be who they are?
When entering into a relationship or sexual arrangement with someone, should the question of if you've dabbled on both sides be asked? Excuse my naive nature, but I thought it was standard procedure to disclose your current preferences. I understand that past experiences should be private, but if that past spills over into the future, it should no longer be private. The conversation needs to be had and if one can't have the conversation, then, by all means, don't involve yourself with other people.
By no means should the conversation emerge from a place of being invasive, but as a woman who knows what she wants, I have a right to desire a partner who is exclusive to women.
I don't judge anyone who is bisexual. But, at this point in time in my life, it's not my cup of tea to date a bisexual man. However, to be honest, I can't say that I never would date a man who informs me ahead of our sexual encounter that he has had an experience with another man. Of course, there would be more questions involved from there, but I'll cross that bridge if it ever emerges.
If a person is ashamed of who they are, which assists in being honest in all areas of their lives, then they are a liability in the dating world.
Being comfortable with who you are is vital when dating.
Happier relationships are birthed and able to be nurtured to its full potential when people are comfortable with who they are and what they like. Sexuality has been explored since the beginning of time, as it should be. You don't know what you like until you experience it, but don't live in denial about your experience. It only makes it that much harder to decide what you want. This often leads to dragging people along for the ride of your confusion or denial.
It's not fair.
In my case, I was along for the ride with a man who was so ashamed of his sexuality that he told himself lies to dodge his reality. Being bisexual isn't something that anyone should be ashamed of. I take no issue with bisexual men who are open and upfront about it. My issue is with the men who pretend their tendencies for the same sex doesn't exist.
You, sir, are what makes women catch cases and appear on episodes of Snapped.
Those out there who find themselves in a similar situation, I can't guide you. I can't give you a step-by-step as to what you should do. It's completely up to you.
I did what I thought was best because I can't tolerate a liar. If he would lie about this, then he'd lie about anything. Honesty is something I hold in high regard in all areas of my life, especially in my intimate life. Maybe one day in life, I'll have a different experience and I'll be writing a completely different article. Who knows? All I know is that moving forward, I'll take the first step and lead by example to share my experiences in hopes that my future potential partner will follow.
All I can do is continue to be honest and hope for the same in return.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Featured image by Giphy
- Over 80 percent of bisexuals end up in “straight” relationships—why? ›
- Why I'm Open to Dating Bisexual Men ›
- Why Bisexual Men Are Still Fighting to Convince Us They Exist ›
- Why coming out as a bisexual man is still really hard to do ›
- Straight people don't exist – so why do half of bisexual men fear ... ›
- What it's like for women to date bisexual men | The Independent ›
- Do Bisexual Men Really Exist? - CBS News ›
Whitney "As Told By Whit" Morrow is a South Carolina based blogger/writer and mother to an amazing seven-year-old. She has her first novel due out later on this year and you can bet her future is just as bright as her smile. Keep with her on Instagram, you won't regret it.
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Why Denver Should Be On Your Travel List: A Black Woman’s Perspective
If someone had asked me if living in Denver, Colorado, for nearly seven years was on my Bingo card, I probably would have laughed in their face. But you know what they say: we make plans, and God laughs. Truth be told — moving to Denver was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I was able to find myself and my voice in a city that was somewhat foreign to me, and I am forever grateful.
Denver may not have the largest Black population, but its vibrant community offers plenty of ways to find connection, culture, and self-care. With less than 10 percent of the city's residents identifying as Black, it can sometimes feel challenging to find spaces that truly resonate. That’s why we wanted to offer a guide to help Black women navigate the city, find community, and experience everything the Mile High City has to offer.
Listen up sis, here's how you can live your best life in Denver.
Denver Travel: The City vs. The Mountains
Let’s start here because many people believe that Denver is in the mountains, and while that’s technically true, you still need to travel outside of the city to be in the mountains. Winter Park is a great place to do mountain activities and also see more Black folks. Strawberry Park Hot Springs has the most magical hot springs, as the snow-capped mountains serve as the perfect landscape.
Ski Noir 5280is a great resource for mountain tings as they are working hard to diversify the mountains. They offer training and equipment as a means of support so that more of us take over the slopes.
Wellness and Self-Care Experiences in Denver
Courtesy of Joce Blake
Denver has a variety of Black-owned businesses and wellness services designed to help you prioritize self-care. BodyLove by Tal, for example, offers organic skincare products created to heal, nourish, and restore your skin naturally. If you’re looking to reconnect with nature, the Potted Peace Project promotes racial healing through plant love, offering plants and nature-centered events.
If you're more into holistic wellness, Sound Baths with Courtneyoffers guided meditations and sound baths that can provide much-needed relaxation and healing energy.Urban Sanctuaryand Charismatic Movement Yogaalso offer yoga classes to help you find balance, both physically and emotionally.
Beauty and Haircare Services in Denver
Finding a trusted haircare provider can be essential to maintaining your confidence. Denver has a variety of Black-owned beauty salons, including B&B Beauty Supplyin Aurora, where you can find all your hair care needs, from extensions to braids. For specialized braiding, Tay, The Braid Bestie, is known for her work with knotless braids and feed-ins, offering services to both men and children.
If you're looking to keep your hair on point,Official Micahspecializes in sew-ins, frontal wigs, and high-quality hair products, whileStylez by J’Niceat Timeless Designs in Aurora offers a range of hairstyling services, from natural hair to weaves to a buss down boho knotless style. Janice has been getting me together for years, and I adore her hands.
Looking for a MUA? Tatiana Artistry and Angela Ranaeare the best to ever do it. And if you need your nails did, I only trust theNail Transformerswith my fingertips. They also offer pedicures, lash extensions, facials, and more.
Denver Cultural Activities and Nightlife
Denver offers a host of cultural events where Black women can connect and feel represented. One thing that shocked me when I first moved was that the Juneteenth Music Festivalis one of the city’s major cultural events, celebrating Black heritage with music, food, and community. For a unique art experience, visitThe Museum for Black Girls, which celebrates iconic moments in Black culture through its interactive selfie installations.
When it comes to nightlife, you’ll find some great spots catering to the Black community. If there’sMunchies & Mimosas happening while you’re in town, get that ticket. This event that mixes culture, cuisine, and music in one unforgettable experience. If you love a good night out, The Lobbyis another must-attend spot, where you can enjoy great music, hookah, bottle service, and a lively atmosphere.
Vibes in the Parkis also a wonderful space dedicated to connecting us with our roots. From park events to networking, it’s always a vibe with this gang.
If you’re into fashion, you’ll want to check outColor of Fashion. They are transforming the fashion industry by advancing inclusivity, diversity, and racial equality.
Honestly, if you’re looking for specific moves and vibes, follow the Mile High Tribeand Community Keison Instagram — they keep you up-to-date on the Black and brown spaces and events going down.
Shopping Black-Owned in Denver
Courtesy of Joce Blake
Supporting Black-owned businesses in Denver is easy, with several options around town.Be a Good Personoffers streetwear that promotes positivity, while Rachel Marie Hurst and M.Bolden Boutiqueprovide luxury fashion, including custom handmade pieces. For high-quality, eco-friendly apparel, check out The Common Collective, a Denver-based brand committed to sustainability and social impact.
Whether you're looking for unique clothing or just want to support local Black entrepreneurs, Denver's shopping scene has something for everyone.
Green Spacesis also an amazing community hub for Black and Brown folks. From Black & Blossomed, which serves up flowers for the culture to Migas Coffeewith the best matchas, it's a one-stop shop to grab some goodies and co-work.
Food for the Soul
Courtesy of Joce Blake
Denver’s food scene is as diverse as its community, with several Black-owned restaurants offering soul food, BBQ, and Southern cooking. Mattie's Soul Food is a family-owned spot that brings the flavors of the South to Denver, serving everything from collard greens to chicken and dressing. Another great spot is Saucy Southern, known for its delicious southern-style BBQ wings and soulful meals.
For brunch lovers,Mimosas is a retro-inspired restaurant that serves up creative comfort food alongside its namesake beverage. If you're craving a taste of New Orleans,Nola Jane’s, and Four Friends Kitchen have you covered with gumbo, po’boys, other classic dishes, and collard greens to die for.
Living your best life as a Black woman in Denver means finding spaces that celebrate your identity, support your wellness, and connect you with the community. Whether you’re indulging in self-care at a yoga class, enjoying a soulful meal, or dancing the night away, Denver has plenty to offer.
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Featured image courtesy of Joce Blake