Don't you think it's funny that as human beings born imperfect, we despise making mistakes so much? Making mistakes is something that we've been doing since we were given the chance to breathe and which we'll pretty much continue to do for the rest of our lives. It's a character trait that we all share. Yet, it's also something that, oftentimes, we strive to avoid and struggle to forgive ourselves or fail to brag about when we allow it to happen. (Yes, I said, "brag about." You read that right.)
Despite the uncomfortable feeling that it can provide us with, I believe that making a mistake is a beautiful thing to do. Although I agree that they can be tougher to learn from, mistakes are impactful life teachers and the fundamental lessons that they carry with them deserve to be put under the spotlight and passed along rather than being considered shameful secrets.
If anything, I'm sincerely grateful to have crossed paths with women of color who share this point of view throughout my life. I'm even more grateful to those that recently granted me some of their time to tell xoNecole about their biggest career mistakes, the things they would've done differently, the lessons that they learned, and more.
Jeannette Reyes, 31
Courtesy of Jeannette Reyes
News Anchor for FOX5 DC
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"I had just turned down a job offer in my dream city because I didn't feel I was good enough for it. For much of my career, I didn't bet on myself because I felt like a fraud and felt like I didn't deserve the position I was in. The handful of times when I did take a leap of faith, it was largely motivated by fear.
"The news director who'd offered me the job was the first to tell me that I was probably experiencing Imposter Syndrome. It was the first time that I'd heard of it. I didn't realize until years into my career that I'd been suffering from it. When it comes to the things that I would've done differently, I believe I would've been intentional about correcting my self-talk earlier in my career.
"Our minds have a way of emphasizing mistakes to fit a certain narrative and minimizing our successes as just luck. I was often my worst enemy in that respect. It took the joy out of a lot of things when it came to any accolades or promotions I got."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"My rock bottom wasn't so much physical as it was spiritual and emotional. I had spent so much of my life being motivated by fear and the desire to prove to myself that I was worthy of my accomplishments, I found myself chasing after the wrong things. Although I'd achieved everything I set out to do, I still wasn't satisfied.
"I put in some serious work to address my negative mindset, my source of motivation, what my fears were, whether they were legitimate or not, and what I found to be fulfilling. It was a tough few months for me during which I had to get reacquainted with myself all over again and that has shown me that you can have everything you've dreamed of and still be unhappy. Happiness and fulfillment should be found within."
The lessons that she learned from making this mistake and her advice:
"When you suffer from Imposter Syndrome, you're less likely to advocate for yourself, go after a certain higher salary, negotiate a higher salary, etc. because you're convinced that you're lucky to even be there. Not to mention that you experience a constant fear of being 'exposed', so it feels best to lay low.
"However, I've learned that we shouldn't be ashamed to be our biggest fans. Self-talk is powerful. We often wouldn't speak to a friend—even a stranger—the way we speak to ourselves. So, my advice is mainly to give yourself some grace and know that you've earned whatever successes come your way."
"What helped me was having a mentor who is just as much a spiritual mentor to me as a professional one. During my most insecure moments, she would figuratively hold a mirror up to me to show me who I really was and remind me of the things I had accomplished despite what I'd been through. Our self-image can be so distorted, sometimes it takes someone else to remind us of who we really are."
Follow Jeannette on Instagram @msnewslady.
Alisha Robertson, 32
Courtesy of Alisha Robertson
Business Coach
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"One of the biggest mistakes that I've made was chasing someone else's idea of success versus focusing on what I felt I was called to do [and] listening to all of the marketing gurus and making products that I wasn't excited about because that's what I thought would make me successful. Because of that mistake, I suffered from severe burnout which, in return, pushed me into starting over in my business so that I could do it the right way.
"If I could go back, I would've spent more time figuring out what I wanted and developing actionable steps that would get me closer to that dream. I would've set boundaries around my work and my clients, and would have leaned more on the marketing strategies that were working for me versus attempting to do all the things."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"I truly believe that just because you hit rock bottom, it doesn't mean that you're supposed to stay there. I figured that, even if I needed to shift and start over, I could easily build another successful business again. So I took the time that I needed to rest and get back to myself mentally. Only then did I get back to work. I spent about a year just getting clear on what I wanted as well as the impact that I wanted to make. I also spent that time working through and trying out different business models.
"That's what entrepreneurship is about—taking the time to experiment and see what works and then building on whatever results you receive. Eventually, I figured out something that stuck. I felt some guilt at first and was down on myself for a while but I always kept going back to my 'why'."
"That bigger reason for doing what I do is what got me up every day even when I wanted to throw in the towel. But I also knew that one day, that experience would be a huge part of the story that I tell today."
The lessons that she learned from making this mistake and her advice:
"There are three major lessons that making this mistake taught me:
- To get clear on what my desire and the way I want to impact the world and those around me;
- To not be afraid to shift and pivot if it'll help me get closer to my ultimate goal;
- To trust my gut and stay consistent with putting that mission out there. That's what will help separate me from the others.
"If I had a piece of advice, it'd be to keep your eyes on your own path. And as you go through your journey, always take time to reconnect with your 'why' and your ultimate goal to ensure that you're on the right track of building your business your way. There isn't anything wrong with pivoting but make sure that those changes are what you want and not what everyone else wants for you."
Follow Alisha on Instagram @thealishanicole.
Keyera Williams, 27
Courtesy of Keyera Williams
Producer at Westbrook Inc.
Her biggest career mistake:
"My biggest mistake so far was probably not understanding what my actual value is and not advocating for more. I've had a few jobs in the past where I knew what I was bringing to the table but was afraid to ask for a bigger salary thinking that, in return, I'd get reprimanded or have that opportunity taken from me.
"I've said 'yes' to a lot of opportunities below my pay grade because I felt like I should simply be grateful for the opportunity. I remember working 50+ hours a week and barely being able to pay my rent."
"As a Black woman, you're constantly being force-fed just enough and told that you raise trouble if you complain or advocate for more. I'm all about good trouble, and it's taught me how to advocate for myself or either to go somewhere else where I'm valued."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"That journey is still ongoing, to be honest. There are days where I still feel like I'm not good enough or I don't believe that my voice matters because I've spent time in places where I was constantly treated as such. It's a journey that includes a lot of therapy, self-evaluation, and just learning how to move forward.
"Moreover, I believe that there's no such thing as a last opportunity. What's for you is for you, and when you walk in your purpose, opportunities will keep presenting themselves to you."
The lessons that she learned from making this mistake and her advice:
"I've learned that if I don't know what I'm worth, no one else will remind me. It's important to know your worth not just in regard to the dollar amount, but also when it comes to your mental health and quality of life. I've also learned to not be afraid to reach out to mentors or ask questions to find out if something is normal within the industry I work in [and] moreover, to recognize when a person, place, or opportunity is no longer serving me or pushing me toward the person and the creative I want to become.
"As for my advice, unfortunately, there will be jobs that you have to take to get your foot in the door. The money won't always be great, but take advantage of these opportunities to prove your value and your capabilities so that when you move on, you have work to show and can also negotiate what you're worth."
"Lastly, check the market. See what people occupying the same position as you in your field are making and advocate for the same—if not more based on your education and experience."
Follow Keyera on Instagram @keywilliamss.
Chi Ilochi, 21
Courtesy of Chi Ilochi
Founder of StylingByChi | Fashion Stylist & Image Consultant
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"One of the biggest mistakes I've made in my career is not understanding the power of 'no'. I would oftentimes stretch myself thin because I thought my value came from being able to deliver when people needed me. This mistake resulted in stress and exhaustion because I had so much on my plate. I couldn't even hang with my girls or have a brunch date.
"Of course, not knowing how to say 'no' resulted in more opportunities career-wise, but it also resulted in an unhealthy amount of stress that wouldn't allow me to capitalize on those opportunities. Knowing what I know now, I would've said 'no' more often, and taken more time to understand the saying, 'What's for me is meant for me.'"
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"My journey to access resilience was one of the loneliest periods of my life. I had to take the time out to sit with myself and my mistakes so I could learn the right way to show myself grace.
"I knew that little progress would be made if I spent my reflection period beating myself up about my mistakes. Instead, I forgave myself for what I did wrong while reaffirming myself for the things I did right."
"It took me about two years to navigate this hard process but once I completed it, I realized that I am far more capable than I thought I was. I am not my mistakes and I don't have to identify with them."
The lessons that she learned from making that mistake and her advice:
"I've learned that your value isn't found in how much work you can fit on your plate, it's in who you are as an individual and the quality of your work. Therefore, work at the pace that works for you and remind yourself that success isn't found in your ability to overextend yourself. These two lessons shifted my mindset from scarcity to abundance."
"It's hard to do better and be better when you've conditioned yourself to operate out of scarcity. Abundance requires vulnerability, and my lessons have taught me that it's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to say, 'Hey I've got too much on my plate right now.' One thing that I know for sure is that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the opportunities flow abundantly and stress becomes a thing of the past."
Follow Chi on Instagram @Igbohippie_.
Ponchitta Lanoue, 46
Courtesy of Ponchitta Lanoue
Beauty Entrepreneur
Her biggest career mistake and the things she would've done differently:
"I decided to start a business to offset some of the unhappiness I felt in my personal life and career. But while building the latter, I made some of the worst decisions which only made my life harder.
"I would say that the most detrimental mistake was taking all the money that I had to put it into my business and not knowing where to put it or where to invest."
"I started my business with my savings of $20,000 and then my brother invested $5,000. I blew through the money in less than eight months. For five years, I was flat broke because of that [and] a bitter divorce that left me empty-handed. My business was surviving on a wing and a prayer.
"If I could do it all over again, instead of buying too many product categories and not being able to sell them, I would have launched with four lip colors and sold the hell out of them until my lipstick line paid for the next category. I would have bought $100 Facebook and Google ads each month to promote the brand and sell the products. I would have focused less on investors or trying to get capital and would've been more worried about figuring out what exactly it was that my customers wanted from me. However, as difficult as it got at times, I honestly don't think I would've wanted to do anything differently. I needed to grow through those growing pains."
What the journey to access resilience looked like:
"So many times we don't want to grow because we fear change and failure. Change is the catalyst that pushes us into action. Failure is the impetus that propels us into destiny if we are wise enough to keep going."
"I had to move in with my mother to bounce back. It has taken me six years to recover from those two major life-changing events. I thought I would never recover from the financial losses that I experienced as a result. For the longest time, I was hard on myself because I could not believe that I allowed myself to be in this situation. It seemed like I was always starting over. It caused me to go into a deep depression. I was even angry at times. A conversation that I had with my grandmother years ago helped me pick myself up and dust myself off. After that, I was able to forgive myself and give myself more grace."
The lessons that she learned from making that mistake and her advice:
"Those experiences made me stronger and wiser. Eventually, I came to understand that money isn't the answer to all problems. You can have a lot of money, but if you don't know what to do with it, then all that you have is a lot of money—no direction. The major lesson, however, was learning the power that I possess. I don't need 1 million followers to define my success. A solid group of 100 to 300 customers can easily keep the lights on and sustain a business.
"My advice is to start small and then promote your products all day every day. Define your target audience and sell to them specifically. Don't worry about being popular, but find influencers that can be brand ambassadors for your products or services. Be frugal and watch every single dime. Do not focus on money or a man; instead, make sure that you're never in a position to depend on a man for happiness or finances."
Follow Ponchitta on Instagram @ponchcosmetics.
Featured image courtesy of Alisha Robertson
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Those of us who remember when (thanks to Destiny Child’s now throwback song) bootylicious made it into the dictionary can certainly vouch for the fact that “made up words” can find their way into the dictionary — and not just the Urban Dictionary either. And yes, as much as I frown upon it, society and culture can also misuse words so much over time that words can change from their original meaning as well.
Take the word “nice,” for example. Did you know that, once upon a time, it used to mean foolish? Or that hussy actually used to mean wife or spinster was simply a woman who spun things? Oh, but look at those words now — pretty much because their original meaning wasn’t respected and so they shifted into other ones.
For me, as someone who writes for a living, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times in a week that I find myself saying that I am “word-literal” when it comes to many things that I say or write — and by that, I mean that I still like to give the origin of certain words the respect and honor that I feel they deserve. One reason is because I agree with research when it says that words have power as they relate to our thoughts and actions and so, we should put thought into what words were created to mean from their inception, not just what they’ve transitioned into.
Another is because, if we’re not careful, we can be using a word thinking that it should “act” one way in our lives when really…it should react totally different.
In my opinion, monogamous is one of those words and, over the course of the next few minutes, I’m going to explain why it’s like fingernails on the chalkboard to me whenever I hear anyone who isn’t married use it to describe non-marital dynamic.
Monogamous. Explained.
If someone were to ask you to define the word “monogamous” what would you say?
If it’s something along the lines of being in a one-on-one relationship, I get why that would be the case. People have been using monogamous in that context for so long at this point that I doubt most even get that the word originally meant “the practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.” In fact, certain researchers say that the word monogamous comes from the Greek one monógamos which means “marrying only once” because mono means “single” or “one” and gamy means “marriage” (hence polygamous originally meaning being married to more than one person at a time).
So y’all, if you really take all of this in, I’m hoping that you caught two things: First, monogamous is a word that was designed to be used for marriage dynamics ONLY, and second, the actual original definition didn’t even make room for people who divorce and then marry a different person.
Nope, if you are traditionally monogamous, you get married to one person and remain with that individual for the rest of your life — which yes, that means that very few people are truly and authentically…monogamous.
So, how did we get so far away from this to the point where folks who are merely dating will say that they are in a monogamous relationship?
I’d venture to say that, for one thing, over time, the sacredness of marriage and marriage vows have been lost. Perhaps now, more than ever, people are comfortable with promising to stay with someone until death parts them, only to leave and then say the exact same thing to someone else (which actually only increases the chances of divorcing again according to many cited findings). Why?
Well, some experts on the topic say that it’s because folks, more than ever, seem to “fall out of love” (I can’t stand that saying, by the way; it removes the personal accountability that comes with choosing who you love and how you act once you make the decision) with marriage about as much as they do with the person who they married.
Case in point, where it currently stands, some data says that 41 percent of first-time marriages will end in divorce and 66 percent of women are the ones who initiate it. And while there are literally dozens of things that could cause people to “fall out,” as it relates to the topic that we’re discussing today, I want to pose a very specific one: the misuse and/or abuse of the word “monogamous.”
i want your sex monogamy GIF by George MichaelGiphyI believe I’ve shared before (probably more than once at this point) that I once had a friend who was really on the edge of separating from his spouse. They were about seven years into their marriage at the time (she was a woman who ultimately ended with a shut up ring, by the way, whether she realizes it/wants to accept it or not) and he simply wasn’t happy.
As he was going into some of the reasons why, I said, “You sound like you’re bored” to which he barely hesitated before replying, “I’ve been married since I was 14.” What did he mean by that?
Well, because so many people, in my opinion, date like they are married, a lot of them end up not really valuing marriage — not at the level that marriage truly deserves, anyway. Since they’ve been in the habit of falling in love (Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love;” some of y’all will catch that later), saying that they are monogamous with someone, falling out of love and then “rinsing and repeating” multiple times with other individuals — it has literally “programmed” them to see monogamy with a “fall in and then fall out” perspective.
Another way to look at it: as I oftentimes say, the way that this culture chooses to date, actually teaches people how to divorce NOT marry — and misusing the word “monogamous,” in my opinion, plays a huge role in that. I mean, if you’re dating and you say you’re monogamous with someone, what makes being married and saying the same thing really any different? What gives the word any higher value?
@therealrabbimanis Why are open marriages on the rise? #rabbimanisfriedman #rabbisoftiktok #relationshiptips #relationshipadvice #relationshiptiktok #openmarriages #fyp #foryou
And that is why I’m actually rocking with the rabbi here. It will never cease to amaze me how society is forever trying to act like the act of sex (including who you choose to participate in the act with) is no big deal — oh, but get a boyfriend and find out that he had sex with someone other than you and now all hell breaks loose. If sex is “no biggie” before dating, why are you acting like infidelity happened during dating? Why are you treating him like he’s basically your husband when he absolutely is not?
And if you want him to be, why are the two of you not putting plans into place to get married? And if you’re not ready for that, why are you ready to be in the type of relationship that basically mimics it? ‘Cause lawd, if there is one thing that social media is absolutely obsessed with, on the Lifetime Television level, it’s cheating (by the way, even in marriage, it reportedly happens 20 percent among men and 13 percent among women; not nearly as much as folks act like it does).
And you know what, whether you fully agree with the rabbi or not, you’ve got to admit that he’s made some points to at least seriously ponder. Okay, so what if you don’t ever want to get married yet you’re in a serious relationship? Or what if you and your partner are living together right now (divorce stats increase after marriage if that is the case; you can read more about that here), you’ve both decided to not see anyone but each other yet you’re not sure when marriage is coming. Does that not mean that you are basically monogamous?
Well, if you let the fickleness of culture determine the answer for you, "monogamous" has gotten to the point that many believe that it’s about having one sexual partner at a time. However, because I think that the word deserves to be highly esteemed, in your case, I would much rather prefer to use the word “exclusive.”
Exclusive. Explained.
@tonightsconversation Is this true about dating with “intention”? 👀 #dating #relationships @trippfontane @Ace Metaphor
Okay, so I had to throw Tripp Fontane’s commentary (via the video above) in first because, if you’re not in something serious yet, what he said provides some really good food for thought: initial dating should be about discerning if your intentions (whatever those intentions may be) are actually aligned with the person’s intentions who you are seeing.
Unfortunately, far too many people find themselves weeks or months into dating (and perhaps even being sexually involved with someone), all the while assuming that if some chemistry is there, a future must be there too — and that is not always or automatically the case. Tripp just proved that point.
@kingdommen23 The world may have its reasons to date but in the Kingdom we have 2 main reasons why we date!! #kingdommen #following #followers #friends #priorities
Okay, beyond that, though, the pastor in this video is definitely onto something that is relevant and necessary. When you’re dating and you want to get into an exclusive relationship (more on that in just a sec), assessing the individual’s character and seeing how well they complement you, your life’s purpose, and your goals (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”) should be the main focus.
And what if the guy checks those boxes, you both don’t want to see other people and yet you’re not ready for marriage (or perhaps don’t even want to be married and he is on the same page about that — check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?” and “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”)? Isn’t that more than just casual or light dating? Sure it is. And the word that I like for that is exclusive.
Exclusive: not admitting of something else; omitting from consideration or account (often followed by of); shutting out all others from a part or share; disposed to resist the admission of outsiders to association, intimacy, etc.
And why is exclusive the word that I can vibe with?
Well, for one thing, it gives credence to one-on-one relationships where marriage isn’t involved without compromising what monogamous was designed to mean. Also, it shows that you can be with just one person although nowhere in any of the definitions do you see marriage ever mentioned — and that’s because you can be exclusive with someone and not be married to them….very much so.
And y’all, perhaps if more people thought the way that I do about all of this, marriage would be treated as the sacred union that it is and people who are in serious dating relationships would still feel like they are getting the respect that they want without mocking marriage in the process — and maybe that would cause people to “reprogram” themselves (and society) from seeing and treating marriage as “basically being” the same thing as being in a serious dating relationship…because that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Marriage is so much more than dating; even serious dating.
Okay, and what about some of y’all who can’t even take in all of what I’m saying right now because you’re still stuck on what the rabbi said about there being no such thing as cheating when you are dating — even when it comes to seriously dating? Although I rock with him 1000 percent, again, because I am word-literal, I do think that infidelity and cheating apply to marriage because a part of the marriage vow is to be faithful to your spouse only.
HOWEVER, I do think that if you and someone come to the agreement that intimacy will only be shared between the two of you and they don’t stick to that agreement, they lied to you — lying is an integrity issue and you should take that under very serious consideration before contemplating marrying them.
Again, at the same time though, if sex is just recreational or something fun to do when you’re not in a relationship, I’m still not sure how it’s so life-shattering if the person you’re dating has sex with someone else?
Is that really about the sex? Is it because they weren’t honest with you? Or is it more of a bruised ego? Or could it be that you’re acting like you’re married when you’re not — and so you see him as a husband and you as a wife when…he’s not and you’re not? (Hmm…) Again, just something to think about.
Season 1 Dating GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphy____
Do I expect everyone who just read all of this to (automatically) agree with me? C’mon now. This way of thinking is so countercultural that it’s going to ruffle more than a few feathers, I’m sure. And that is why the title of this says that I use "monogamous" for marriage and "exclusive" for dating.
However, at the same time, I do think that if you would consider my perspective, even just a little bit, it could take a lot of pressure off of dating and prepare you for marriage in some ways that you never saw coming because it can help you to look at dating as preparation for marriage and not “practice run” for marriage itself (because dating isn’t “play marriage;” dating is its own thing entirely).
Now excuse me while I listen to more of what the rabbi has to say about marriage, in general, because his thoughts continue to remind me that marriage ain’t a game. Not by a long shot.
And you know what? The words that we use to define and explain marriage shouldn’t be treated as one…either. Not. At. All.
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