"Boys don't cry" is an African American proverb that serves as law in a black household.
Black men are taught that their emotions are something to be ashamed of at a very young age, leading to a deadly epidemic among African American men.
It's understandable that this theology could lead to two very different outcomes: toxic masculinity or the loss of masculinity all together. This mindset is harmful to not only their demographic, but to the African-American community as a whole. The pressure to "just be a man about it" leaves a number of black men to suffer in silence while we blissfully ignore their cries for help.
When we fail to address the need for mental wellness and stability amongst black men, we deny them the opportunity to live life at its fullest potential. Although black women suffer from depression more than any other demographic, the emotional health of black men is also important part of the conversation. Big Sean is among the men breaking the stigma around mental illness, and recently announced that he would cut his tour short to focus on gaining emotional stability.
"[I] had some things to work out in my head," he said. "I never really took the time out to nurture myself, to take care of myself. It took me a lot of depression having a lot of anxiety to realize something was off."
It's been proven that social injustices and poverty have a direct correlation to the level of substance abuse and violence that is prevalent among black communities. This fact leads me to wonder if we've neglected black men as they relate to the discussion about depression and anxiety.
These mood disorders are taboo in the black community due to the fact that hey are often a sign of weakness or vulnerability. In all actuality, they are exactly the opposite. When a man is brave enough to confront his emotional trauma, he can then find the tools to heal and operate at his maximum potential. The Finally Famous rapper ending his tour so abruptly was his way of utilizing his own tools for self-care.
Big Sean says that although he regrets disappointing his fans, he realized that he could no longer attempt to pour from an empty cup. Regardless of the backlash he would receive because of the announcement, the rapper understood that his recovery was most important.
"I've been getting myself together, getting my mind right. So I have been taking better care of myself and...not only am I bringing my best self to the music but I'm bringing my best self to the table, to my city, to my fans, to the people who are about me."
Big Sean's admission is not the first time a rapper has been open about his issues with depression and anxiety. Even icons like Tupac and Biggie talked about suicide in their raps, so why is it that black men are still not apart of the conversation about mental illness?
Addiction and substance abuse have run rampant among men in my family in the past and I've wondered if this fact would remain if help or therapy was easily accessible to them at a younger age. Depression and anxiety are major issues that affect men and women of all walks of life, and does not discriminate. It's time that we get hip to the idea that black men experience depression, too.
Featured image via Big Sean / Instagram
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
