It was the great Sade who once sang that it’s never as good as the first time (if ya know, ya know). And while, truly is a great notion in theory, the reality is, when it comes to having sex for the first time, sometimes we’re so anxious, so nervous, so not-sure-what-to-expect that we end up putting far too much pressure on ourselves and/or our partner and/or the experience overall that we can sabotage it — in some ways, before anything even happens.
Let’s try and prevent that from ever happening again, y’all. One way to do that is to check out 12 hacks that are centered around how to be calmer, feel sexier, and become more present during your (next) first-time copulation — so that you can look back on it with all smiles and not one regret.
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1. Put Some Essential Oil on the Bedding
Doing things, beforehand, that will create the desired mood can already help to calm your nerves; that’s because it reminds you that you are not doing something flippantly or without giving it all some real thought — that what is about to transpire is intentional because you are choosing for it to be and that can be empowering in its own way. That said, if you’ve ever wondered if aromatherapy is more of a myth than anything else, there is science to support that when you take in certain scents, the part of your brain that regulates emotion is alerted and that creates certain responses.
In this case, since you want to decrease stress, it’s a good idea to apply essential oils like lavender, rose, patchouli, jasmine, cedarwood, mandarin, or ylang-ylang to your bedding. They all have a reputation for providing a relaxing effect.
2. Light Some Scented Soy Candles
If you’re thinking, “You sure do shout-out soy candles a lot” — you would be absolutely correct. When they are scented, they smell amazing and, because they are soy, they burn cleaner and longer. Plus, candlelight is soothing and romantic. Definitely, a perfect way to cultivate ambiance is with the help of some candles. By the way, vanilla, cinnamon, sandalwood, pumpkin, and ginger-scented ones are considered to be aphrodisiac ones…and you already know what that means. #wink
3. Pour Some Pure Fruit Juice into Some Wine Glasses
If you were thinking about taking a couple of shots of Casamigos in order to take some of the “edge” off, while it might give you a temporary liquid courage fix and could temporarily increase your sex drive, quite a bit of research states that alcohol can also put you on a bit of a roller coaster ride when it comes to being able to maintain natural lubrication and even being able to orgasm. That’s why you might want to go with some fruit juice instead.
Chuckle if you want to but orange juice increases blood circulation (which can intensify your orgasms), pomegranate juice raises testosterone levels in both men and women and apple juice is a phytoestrogen drink that can help increase lubrication — and you know what they say: the wetter, the better!
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4. Try a Teaspoon of Honey (or Chocolate)
For the record, when it comes to this tip, I’m not talking about those honey packets that are all over social media (check out “Those (Sex) Honey Packets Have A Lot Of Hype. Here’s The Truth About ‘Em.”). I mean, the kind of honey that you get at the grocery store — like the one that is in teddy bear bottles by the jellies (the real ones know). And although I personally think that honey can — eh hem — make the night go better on a few different levels (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”), my recommendation for taking in a teaspoon before anything gets started has nothing to do with your libido. Well, not exactly.
You might be surprised to know that honey contains compounds that can help to calm your nervous system as it helps to reduce your anxiety levels. Come to think of it, the flavonoids in dark chocolate can have a similar effect. So, if you want a sweet way to reduce the butterflies, honey and dark chocolate are scientifically proven methods.
5. Watch a Comedy
Sex for the first time is a serious decision — yes. But does the entire evening need to be serious? Absolutely not. In fact, it might surprise you to know that laughter not only reduces anxiety levels, but research also reveals that people who are able to take a joke, can laugh at themselves and like to have fun during intimacy, they end up having far more satisfying sex lives than those who don’t.
So, if what you need is a bit of an icebreaker, watch a funny movie or television show. It can definitely help to take some of the edge off and make you both feel more comfortable with getting even more comfortable in each other’s space later on.
6. (Slow) Dance Together
Listen, any time that I can reference some '90s R&B, I’m gonna do it without any kind of hesitation or apology and, when it comes to this tip, the song that immediately came to mind was Tony! Toni! Toné!’s “Slow Wine.” Dancing close to someone who you’re attracted to while listening to songs that are your fave? That’s automatically a comforting thought (and action). And yes, there is scientific evidence to support that dancing can help to reduce stress while giving you a boost of the feel-good hormone dopamine. So…where’s your slow jam playlist?
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7. Do Some Reflexology or Give Each Other a Hand Massage
If dancing isn’t really your thing, another option is to get into some novice-level reflexology (foot therapy) or to give each other a hand massage. By touching certain parts of the feet, you can reduce anxiety and increase energy levels. One way that this works is reflexology helps to stimulate the production of endorphins so that you can feel less stressed. Same goes with hand massages.
If you’d like to give either of these a shot, warm up a mixture of the essential oil that you used for your bedding with a carrier oil (check out “So, Here Are The Carrier Oils That Will Take Your Sex Life To A Whole 'Nother Level”) and then take turns rubbing each other’s feet and/or hands. For tips on how to give a good foot massage, go here. A hand massage? Look here.
8. Implement the ‘333 Rule’…with a Twist
If your mind only seems to race, no matter what you do, you can always try what is known as the “333 Rule.” All you need to do is look around and identify three objects, then three sounds, and then move three body parts. Although the method to the madness is still being figured out, it is believed that by taking the focus off of your feelings and briefly placing them onto other things, that can help you to feel less anxious. Hey…you never know until/unless you try. Right?
9. Talk It Out
I’m gonna be really real with you: if you’re too uncomfortable to tell your partner that you’re nervous about having sex with them — why are you planning to have sex with them in the first place? After all, no matter how vulnerable you may feel, nothing tops getting naked with someone and allowing them to enter into your body (just sayin’). That’s why, it’s more than pkay to be open, honest, and genuine about what’s going through your mind before anything ever happens (so long as you are also kind, tactful, and speaking to them in the way that you would like to be spoken to).
In fact, if you need some help “breaking the ice” in this way, consider asking — and answering — the following questions:
- What are you the most concerned or nervous about?
- Do you feel comfortable in this environment?
- What’s your favorite part about foreplay and sex?
- What are your erogenous zones?
- Do you have any particular expectations?
- What’s your biggest turn-on and sex-related pet peeve?
- Is there something new that you’d like to try?
- Should we come up with a safe word?
- Are you a cuddler or nah?
- Do you believe that we’re ready?
Remember, sex is a form of communication, so it’s encouraged to communicate about sex before it transpires. That’s because, the more you know about each other mentally, the easier it will be to enjoy each other…physically/sexually.
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10. Have No Agenda
If you’re going into the evening on some, “And I’m going to be the best that he ever had” or “I already know that this is going to be the best night ever” — no wonder you’re so stressed out. Putting high expectations onto anything, including sex, is a surefire way to end up thinking too hard, trying too hard, or ending up super disappointed. Hmph. Off-topic yet not, I still can’t believe that the people who played on-again-off-again lovebirds Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) and Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 are no longer with us.
Yet as I was thinking about this tip, something that Dylan said before their first time came to mind: “We’re not going to be judging each other up there. We’re going to be enjoying each other.” And y’all, that is exactly the mindset to have before having sex with someone, in real life, for the first time. If that is not the resolve that the two of you are able to come to? Red flag.
11. Kiss. A LOT.
When it comes to the topic of kissing, there are two things that I’m gonna be quick to say. One is, you can’t just be out here sharing your mouth with any and everybody (check out “Can You Actually Get An STI/STD From Kissing? Yes. And No.”). The second is a kiss? A really good, long, and passionate kiss? Chile, while doing that…bad nerves…where (check out “This Valentine's Day, Get Into Some Really Sexy 'Erotic Kissing'”)???
You can thank science for that too because kissing stimulates the bonding hormone oxytocin, it helps you to decide if you are sexually compatible with someone (no joke and also check out “What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?”) and it also produces endorphins that help you to relax and feel really good at the same time.
12. Stay in the Moment
Author Eckhart Tolle once said, “Wherever you are, be there totally.” When it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, if you’re overthinking, you can’t be totally with them. If you’re turning sex into a “performance” instead of an opportunity to simply enjoy the presence of the person you are with, you can’t be totally with them. If you’re worried about the ending before anything has even begun, you can’t be totally with them.
So yes, above all of the other hacks that I’ve mentioned here, determine in your mind to embrace the moment and stay there. If you and your partner go into the experience with this intention, each shared minute of time, taken as they come, can be special, calming, and memorable — just the way a first time should be.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images
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