Semi-recently someone who I also semi-recently met said that they went to kinda-sorta stalking me online. After doing so, one of the things that they asked me was, “How do you continually find so many sex-related topics to write about after all this time?” I don’t really have a straight answer for that other than I think sex is amazing and, when approached in a responsible light, highly beneficial…in a way that goes way beyond the physical. Plus, when I’m brainstorming content, I like to think of what I would like to read — especially if I don’t really see certain topics addressed a certain way anywhere else.
And while it would be ridiculous of me to say that there are no good skin-prep pieces out in cyberspace (of course, there are!), if there’s one thing that I think should get tackled, a bit more specifically, are things that you can do, strictly for your skin, that will make your sex experience even better than (hopefully) it already is.
So here it is, y’all. Before the next time you plan on blessing your man with all of the goodness you have to offer, here are 12 things that you can do to make him feel like he’s literally melting into you — in more ways than one, chile.
1. DIY a Body Scrub
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You would think that at the big age that I am, breakouts would be a thing of the past (le sigh). Unfortunately, a sistah still ends up with a right-on-schedule period pimple on my face once a month (UGH!) and a couple of zits on my back from time to time. It’s all annoying because, no matter what, once they go down, they leave some type of discoloration…and that’s why I try to be proactive with my skincare routine; it’s so I (hopefully) won’t have to deal with that kind of bullshishery at all.
Off top, I exfoliate. The main reason is that we actually shed thousands of dead skin cells every minute, and if they aren’t removed, they can start to clog up our pores, and that leads to inflammation and, yep — oftentimes, breakouts. Since two other benefits that come with skin exfoliation are an even complexion and softer skin, definitely make this a part of our skincare regimen, especially on sex night (or day).
There are body scrubs that you can easily find in stores or online. Yet if you’re like me and you want to minimize the number of chemicals that you can’t even pronounce from getting into your skin, you can always DIY a body scrub. Three tablespoons of brown sugar (it’s a humectant which means it pulls moisture from the air into your skin) along with three tablespoons of olive oil (it’s loaded with antioxidants to keep your skin young and healthy) is a really simple scrub. Marie Claire also has several recipes that you can check out here.
2. DIY a Bronzer Too
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I haven’t worn foundation in years. However, when I do want my skin to look like it’s absolutely glowing and/or I want to camouflage one of those period pimple marks that I just mentioned, I’ll reach for some bronzer and it does the trick, brilliantly so.
That said, here’s a bronzer hack: apply some of it to your face, neck, and chest, and then light some scented soy candles (soy burns cleaner) in your bedroom. It will cause your skin to appear absolutely radiant which will make you look all that more beautiful. My two cents would be to go the DIY route. iHerb has a recipe that I can personally vouch for and it’s right here.
3. Soak Your Hands in Egg Yolks
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When you know that you’re about to be in for a really good night, if there are two things that you’ll be using in excess, it’s your hands…right? So, if you want to make sure that they are uber soft, soak them in a homemade egg yolk solution (especially after exfoliating them with the body scrub that I already mentioned).
Egg yolks are bomb because they’re chocked full of literal moisture, protein, fats, and emulsifiers (which basically means a milky moisturizer as far as your skin goes). Egg yolks also contain ceramides and peptides to keep your skin healthy and wrinkle-free, and they are a multivitamin considering the fact that they are full of vitamins B1, B12, A, E, D and K, zinc, and choline (for starters). The organic pigment lutein that’s in them works overtime to make your skin feel more supple, too, so of course, this would be a great all-natural approach to cultivating super soft hands.
Honestly, one of the best egg yolk soaks/masks (in my opinion) consists of mixing two yolks with a tablespoon of honey, a tablespoon of virgin olive oil, and a teaspoon of baking soda. After washing your hands, cover them in the mixture and let the mixture sit for 20 minutes. Then rinse thoroughly with warm followed by cool water (to close up your pores) and apply your favorite carrier oil. Your hands will have never felt so good.
4. Then Soak the Heels of Your Feet in Mouthwash
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While I was in a counseling session once, a husband said something that I thought was hilarious: “Don’t get me wrong, sex with my wife is amazing. I just hate to lift her legs up because…her feet.” When I asked him if they smelled or something, he said that he had been trying to find a way to tell her that her heels kept scratching his arms and chest. Whew, chile.
I told them what I’m about to tell you — soak those bad boys in some mouthwash. Not just any kind, though, Listerine. The reason why is that it contains pretty potent antibacterial, antioxidant, and antifungal properties that can help to not only get rid of any fungus your feet may have, it can also remove the hardened dead skin that’s on your heels as well so that your feet feel good on, whatever you rub them up against. You can read more about why this is a smart route to take by checking out Verywell Health’s article on the issue here.
5. Exfoliate Your Lips
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Even though things like extreme weather temperatures, dry air, and dehydration can all play a role in having chapped lips, another underestimated culprit is saliva. Yep, the enzymes that are in it can also cause your lips to feel hard and/or the skin on them to feather, which can make kissing…not as sensual.
The way to work around this is to exfoliate your lips. You can do that by making your own lip scrub. Those are great at removing dead skin cells and making your lips feel extra soft and smooth. One of my favorite things about lip scrubs is they are easy to make from the comfort and convenience of my own home. Stylecraze did us all a solid by providing almost 20 recipes right here.
6. “Seal Your Skin” After Bathing
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I can’t tell you the last time I applied lotion to my skin. Instead, what I do is make sure to “seal” my skin by applying some type of oil like sweet almond, avocado, or grapeseed (for example) onto my body before drying off. The key is to let the oil penetrate your skin for a couple of minutes and then gently dab the water off with a microfiber towel. Not only is the oil better for your skin, but the sealing process also keeps your skin moisturized for much longer too.
7. Combine an Aphrodisiac Essential Oil with a Carrier Oil
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When it comes to sealing your skin, if you want to be “doubly protected,” something that you can try is combining an essential oil with a carrier oil. My two cents are to do this right after sealing your skin and drying off; that way, your skin is not only extra smooth, it has a really seductive scent to it as well.
If you’re wondering which oils will get your partner’s libido going, I’ve got you covered on that. First check out, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” and then click on “So, Here Are The Carrier Oils That Will Take Your Sex Life To A Whole 'Nother Level.'” Thank me later.
8. Use Shea Butter on Your Nipples
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As a doula, something that I recommend new moms do (especially if they are breastfeeding) is to apply some shea butter to their nipples. The combination of vitamins A, E, and F, along with its high amount of fatty acids, makes shea butter a top-notch skin soother.
And since some of us see our breasts as a peak erogenous zone, I’m sure you can see why “coating your breasts” with a layer of shea butter could prove to be beneficial when it comes to bedroom action too, especially if your nipples are prone to cracking or feeling a little irritated once saliva gets onto them. Thanks to the anti-inflammatory properties that are also in shea butter, it’s a moisturizer that has you covered all the way around.
9. Apply Sweet Almond Oil to Your Vulva
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I have been a personal fan of sweet almond oil for years now. When it comes to my skin specifically, the vitamin E that’s in it makes it an awesome moisturizer. I also like the fact that it softens my skin without being greasy and that it gives it a natural glow. That said, when it comes to making all of your skin feel amazing, don’t forget to moisturize your vulva (the outer part of your vagina). By applying some of this oil to your pubic mound and vaginal lips, not only will your skin feel great, it will help to soften your pubic hair so that it feels more comfortable to the touch too — all without containing any ingredients that could possibly irritate your skin in the process (or later on).
10. Put a Humidifier in Your Bedroom
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Why should everyone have a humidifier in their bedroom? Chile, let me count the ways. It reduces the chances of you catching a cold or the flu. It soothes asthma-related symptoms. It decreases the allergens in the air. It also helps to get rid of (and possibly prevent) headaches. And as far as this topic is concerned, it’s fabulous at helping your skin to retain moisture.
Know what else? After all, is — eh hem — said and done, a humidifier is also a must-have because it can make snoring less of an issue as well. The method to the madness is, the less dry air that’s in your bedroom, the less congested your nasal passages will be and the less irritated your throat will be too. This means that you can have hours of great sex followed by hours of sound sleep to boot. Perfection.
11. Buy Some Bamboo Bedding
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If you don’t own at least one set of bamboo sheets, I definitely think you should get some just as soon as you possibly can. I have some myself, and one of my favorite things about them is how soft they feel. Some other perks include the fact that they’re eco-friendly, odor-repelling, and they last for a long time (replacing them every 18 months is a good idea). As far as your skin (and your sex life) goes, since they are also hypoallergenic and temper-regulating, you don’t have to worry about bamboo sheets irritating your skin or trapping in moisture as you’re rolling around in them — whether it’s with someone or when you’re sleeping alone.
12. Invest in Some Honey Dust
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And now for the grand finale. Whenever it comes to tips that I learn along the way, I try to give credit where credit is due. Who actually put me on to this recommendation is Valerie Malone (played by Tiffani Amber Thiessen). If you don’t know who that is, she was a sexy and conniving white girl in the original Beverly Hills, 90210. Anyway, while one of her guys was kissing her, he asked what he was tasting, and she said honey dust. I checked it out and have been a fan ever since! Not only will your skin taste absolutely delightful, but it can also make oral sex more pleasant (both on the giving as well as the receiving end).
Plus, it’s got some practical benefits too. Honey dust can remove wet spots out of your sheets, reduce the chances of you experiencing yeast infections underneath your breasts (because it can keep your skin dry up under there and, if you both apply it before things go down, it can keep your skin from sticking together (if that’s something that low-key irks you).
A fan-favorite brand is Kama Sutra Honey Dust Kissable Moisture-Wicking Body Powder. It even comes with a feather duster to apply it with. Yeah, don’t say a sistah didn’t look out for your skin and your sex life because, thanks to these hacks, I most certainly did! Enjoy. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Dreka Gates Talks Farm Life, Self-Mastery, And Her Wellness Brand
Dreka Gates is making a name in wellness through authenticity and innovativeness. Although we were introduced to her as a music manager for her husband, Kevin Gates, she has now carved out her own lane outside of music as a wellness entrepreneur. But according to Dreka, this is nothing new.
In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
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If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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Is It 'Sex On The First Date' If You've Been Virtually Talking For A While?
Aight. Even if the title of this article seems a bit…odd at first, hear me out. For starters, let’s begin with some data. Did you know that, reportedly, somewhere around 53 percent of people under 30, 37 percent of people between the ages of 30-49, and 20 percent of those between the ages of 50-64 either have used or are currently using dating apps (for the record, and I think this will come as no surprise, Gen Z actually prefers meeting people online)?
As far as the dating apps that led to some type of long-term success, a survey from The Knot says that Hinge leads the pack (with 35 percent) followed by Tinder (with 25 percent). Then, if you take into account a Lovehoney survey of 2000 people, which revealed that 60 percent of men and 42 percent of women have admitted to having sex on the first date — uh-huh, now do you see why a piece like this is both relevant and necessary?
Virtual dating isn’t going anywhere any time soon, and although “first date sex” used to be somewhat taboo, clearly, that isn’t even close to being the case anymore. So, since both are a big part of our culture, let’s explore how to approach merging the two (if you’ve been wondering if you should…that is).
What’s the Purpose/Agenda of a First Date?
GiphyOkay, so let’s start by laying a bit of foundation because, personally, I am a big believer that when we don’t know the purpose of something, it’s almost guaranteed that on some level and in some way, we are going to either misuse or abuse it — dating is no exception. And what’s the purpose of a first date?
To get to know if there is more of a connection than just an initial attraction or surface-level chemistry (check out “What's The Difference Between Chemistry And Compatibility?”). And honestly, that’s why all of the social media debates about women expecting a $200 date off the rip and men expecting sex in return if that does indeed go down are nothing short of nauseating to me. ON BOTH SIDES, all it sounds like is a transactional hustle.
Nothing about that type of motive says, “I’m trying to see if there is something real here;” both are about nothing more than how much juice is in the squeeze (and that’s putting it politely — SMDH).
Although there are dozens of reasons why I think dating has become so chaotic for a lot of people these days, here are two of the main ones as it relates to this article in particular:
1) More people need to remember what author M. Scott Peck once said, "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." When it comes to first dates, specifically, that’s why I don’t get what all of the drama is behind coffee dates. While TikTok is telling you that agreeing to those means that you are settling, if you value your time, you absolutely aren’t — especially if there have been no real conversations prior to the initial meet-up.
A coffee date or drinks after work doesn’t say, “He’s cheap,” so much as, “If there’s something here, then we can build on that. If there’s not, you got 30 minutes of my time; no harm, no foul.” Time is something that you can never get back, so why waste it? Besides, if you feel the need to brag about going on an expensive dinner, go out with some of your girls, and y’all split the tab.
At least you’ll know that you’re going to have a good time because you actually know those people (by the way, if that triggers you, that already reveals a lot, as far as your motives are concerned). No one should need a date to validate them — especially a first date. If they do, there’s some stuff going on that a date, a man nor a relationship is going to fix (just sayin’).
2) Talk to the long-term couples who are 50+ (if they’re 50, that now means they were in college in the early 90s, by the way). Ask them about what dating was like when they were younger and single. I’m wiling to bet that, for one thing, expensive ass first dates weren’t even on their radar, and two, it was rare that they went out with someone before talking to them, at least a couple of times on the phone.
Yep, as semi-antiquated as it may sound in the world that we live in now, it was pretty standard that if you saw a stranger who caught your attention, you would get their number, talk on the phone to see how the two of you vibe and then some successful conversations down the line, if you both believed that something was there between the two of you, you would mutually decide to go on a date.
And because some type of foundation was already laid, if the first date did end up going beyond just coffee or drinks, it was because the two of you had already invested time — you already knew that you wanted more. And honestly, to me, that is one of the benefits of virtual dating or talking on the phone for a couple of weeks before going on a first date — you can actually get to know someone…beyond what you can get out of them.
“Sex on the First Date” Has Levels to It
GiphyAnd when you take into account all of what I just said, it seems to me that there are two kinds of “sex on the first date” scenarios that should be pondered. One is the kind where you meet someone, text each other about a place to meet up, get to know each other for 1-2 hours max, and then go back to somebody’s place to get it in. The other is when you meet someone and, whether online or by phone, you both decide to ease into things by talking first…for a while. Then, after an awesome first date, sex comes naturally to both of you.
And how long is a while? I mean, because this platform is for women — until you feel safe. Until you have asked the kind of questions that make you feel like you want to spend more time with him on a deeper level. Until you get that his intentions aren’t just shallow…or physical. Until you know that you aren’t just attracted to him — you know that there are things about his personality and character that you actually like. Until you want to go on a first date.
And unless the two of you are talking for 2-3 hours a day, every day, for a week straight, you can’t really come to this kind of conclusion in record time. It may take a few weeks or even a few months — and that is perfectly fine. Someone who wants to know you for you is going to be okay with communication being set as the foundation of the relationship that the two of you are potentially building anyway, so…by the time that you both decide to meet up for a first date, it will be the icing on the cake.
And, because you actually like him for him, the kind of date that he plans, you won’t be grading it based on nothing more than the price tag; it’s a win for all parties involved.
Okay, so if you do decide to go the route of a “slow build,” you do take your time before a first date, and then you do decide to have sex with him — does it constitute as “first date sex”? I mean, technically, probably. However, the reputation of first-date sex is someone is getting to know everything about you (you know what I mean) without knowing much about you at all. On the other hand, when you opt to communicate for some time before a first date (and the sex that follows), it’s not so casual…and yes, that makes it — different.
3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Sleeping with Anyone New
GiphyNow that I hope I’ve brought some peace of mind to if it’s a standard “sex on the first date” type of situation if you’ve been virtually hanging out with someone for a while, let’s talk about some of the main things that you should consider before having sex with anyone who you are beginning to interact with on a physical level.
What is the energy like?
One day, I’m going to write about how true it is that energy is exchanged during sex. A big part of the reason is that we are sources of energy — and honestly, the kind of energy that you experience with someone when you’re not in their physical presence vs. when you actually are? It tends to be quite different.
Therefore, it’s a good idea to intentionally “tap in” to see what kind of vibes are exchanged when you’re around each other before deciding to take it there because there is a possibility that how you feel about someone in person may be different than how you do online or over the phone.
What type of sexual accountability conversations have you had?
One of the biggest mistakes that people make is thinking that real life is a soap opera or a rom-com — for instance, you can have sex, and there be no real consequences. Chile, please.
Don’t ever put yourself in the position where you think that the two of you connect so well that you shouldn’t talk about how often you both get tested, what your approaches are to birth control, what your sexual deal-breakers are, and what your sexual expectations may be.
And listen, if all of this seems like too much for a first date, then you already have your answer about if you should have sex after the first date…RIGHT? Because how is it that you don’t want to get into his mind, yet you’re okay with him getting inside of you? Nope. Uh-uh. Nada.
What would sex on the first date accomplish?
Back when I used to mentor teen moms in public schools here in Nashville, I would always call them out whenever they told me that unprotected sex “just happened.” NO. IT. DOES. NOT. There are so many steps involved, from calling the person, setting up a plan, meeting up, pulling off clothes, etc. — all of us have plenty of opportunities to rethink what we are doing. Same goes for first-date sex.
Listen, no matter how much you are feeling the guy from communicating before the date and even more once you meet him, take the time to ask yourself, “What will sex right now accomplish?” An accomplishment is something that brings about credibility. An accomplishment is something that makes you feel fulfilled. An accomplishment is something that causes you to believe that you achieved something great.
That said, if all you’re after is a good time and maybe an orgasm, perhaps sex on the first date will be an accomplishment for you. However, if after starting off solid with this new guy, if you’re not sure what sex will accomplish, in the grand scheme of things, pause until you know. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that — and the right guy for you will agree.
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Bottom line, if it’s a first real date and you do have sex after it, yes — you just had sex on a first date. Although, when there has been a foundation built prior to it, via healthy communication…it’s less risky and something that you (typically) can feel more confident about — especially if you take all of what I just said into (serious) account.
Sis, when it comes to giving any of yourself to someone new — online or not — please make sure that you do.
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