

It's been nearly half a year since the series finale of Insecureaired, and I'm still not over it. So much so, I've unapologetically binge-watched the series a couple of times since "Everything Gonna Be, Okay?!" had us shedding real tears as it was hard to say goodbye, okay?! The Issa Rae-created show offered a complex look into the normal lives of Black millennial women navigating adulthood. It was relatable, authentic, and easy for a lot of us to see ourselves at some point throughout the duration of the five-season run. Since its premiere in 2016, we've laughed, we've cried, and we've also taken a look in the mirror and challenged our own mirror selves to grow and leave comfort zones behind at times.
In addition to the subject matter, Insecure also struck a chord with its thoughtfully curated soundtrack and stunning visuals. And I can't be the only one who was a fan of the steamy sex scenes that often played out (of which my favorite were the ones that sort of popped up out of nowhere). Keep reading for an extensive list of all of the sex scenes in Insecure (excluding the finale season because they were few and far between and nobody has time for that).
Spoilers are most definitely ahead.
Insecure Sex Scenes: Every Episode, Seasons 1-4
Season 1, Episode 5: Issa’s first time with Daniel
Despite his chocolate skin and brilliant smile, I was never Team Daniel (Y’lan Noel). However, I could see the writing on the wall as the tension unfolded between episode 1 and episode 5 of Insecure’s first season leading to Issa (Issa Rae) cheating on her long-time love Lawrence (Jay Ellis) for the seemingly ambitious, charismatic Daniel who seemed like the one who got away. As soon as Daniel and Issa ended up running down a video of her on the internet and somehow ended up alone in the studio by the end of the episode, I knew what time it was. Plus sir told her things she thought she always wanted to hear from him, about being ready, so I knew the panties would drop shortly thereafter. And that they did.
Points for Issa trying to resist, but that kiss was only the beginning of a few things between Daniel King and Issa Dee. What unfolded was an indulgent gratuitous love scene that started on the couch, ended up on the floor, and also acted as the first sex scene we got on the show. For that reason, it rightfully earns this spot on our list.
Honorable Mention: The brief flashbacks we got of the scene in the episode that came after. Whew.
Season 1, Episode 6: Molly and Jared get reacquainted
I still think the way Molly (Yvonne Orji) did Jared (Langston Kerman) was messed up. I understand that she felt like she was settling but there were quite a few noteworthy qualities about him that could have made her a great partner for her. Including the fact that he was creative with how he went about getting it in. He seemed content with allowing her to play the dominant role in their waking life, but in their sex life, he always found ways to make it known he was in control. And based on how she was cooking for Jared in the very next scene, I truly believe that was something Molly liked about their dynamic.
His affinity for dirty talk was very prominent in the two brief sex scenes between Molly and Jared in this episode, both of which coincidentally took place in kitchens. From “You still got errands, you still got errands?” to “You tried Blue Apron?” Jared was hitting all the right spots. Until he wasn’t.
Season 1, Episode 8: Lawrence’s ‘Revenge’
Okay, 'revenge' is a strong word but this is perhaps what ignited the fire of hate and created the divide on Twitter that would become us and them (better known as the Lawrence Hive versus everyone else). What I loved about Tasha (Dominique Perry) and Lawrence’s first sex scene together was the build-up as Lawrence went through a dance between whether he should stay and make things work with Issa or leave the relationship completely. His feeling of betrayal hit different because for weeks we viewed a very not-so-subtle-wit-it Tasha stay in the pocket and also boldly shoot her shot while he played the role of a dutiful boyfriend without a flicker of disloyalty. Meanwhile, we saw his partner do the opposite with a similar source of temptation. So even though as the main character, we hoped Issa and Lawrence would see a reprisal by the finale, we understood that the relationship was over, over. And I for one, appreciated the way he went about it. Tasha was head down, ass up, and we were here for it.
And after all that talk about Lawrence’s depressive episode and him allegedly not putting it down right (thanks Thug Yoda for that tidbit), we were able to confirm that he had the material and knew exactly what to do with it.
Season 2, Episode 1: Issa and Lawrence’s ex-sex
The sophomore season of Insecure started off with a bang, literally. In a moment of high emotions and confusion, Lawerence and Issa engaged in 30 seconds of passion remembering what was between them sexually. The blue couch that saw no action in the first season suddenly got a taste of what could be again as Lawrence and Issa gave into their indulgences and made a messy breakup somewhat messier. I found the ex-sex slip-up to be very realistic, especially in situations where closure hasn’t happened yet and there’s still a desire to be together. Though not one of the steamier love scenes featured in the series, it still holds a lot of weight because it was so damn relatable.
Honorable Mention: Earlier in the episode, a brief spooning sex exchange played between Lawrence and Tasha. So good he had her saying “daddy with a ‘z.’”
Season 2, Episode 3: Issa has sex with Neighbor Bae
Speaking of relatability, the very next sex scene between Issa and Neighbor Bae (Leon Thomas III) was also on point for that reason. Neighbor Bae, also known on the show as Eddie, made a couple of appearances before becoming a sometimes-y hookup for Issa and he was just what the doctor ordered in terms of helping her enter her “hoe phase” and get Lawrence’s recent dick-me-down out of sight and out of mind. During a somewhat lengthy scene, Issa and Eddie were able to work through the sometimes awkward reality of sex (especially first-time sex with someone new) by finding a position that worked for them and communicating along the way.
Sometimes the first new fuck after a breakup is the hardest. And what we saw was no-strings-attached sex between two consenting adults and it was great to see Issa get back in the game. As she exits his apartment, she receives a message from a dating app and reads it with a smile, showing the audience that she is single and officially ready to mingle. Dating roster and all.
Season 2, Episode 4: Lawrence has a threesome
Yeah, no comment on the actual threesome, but I will say I really appreciate the moments throughout the series where I could see the contrast between the “masculinity” Lawrence was trying to portray to the world versus the man he wanted to be (also of note, he is also navigating his own version of getting over his breakup). With his homeboy Chad (Neil Brown Jr.), there were instances in the series where Lawrence would just do something to get his approval but not necessarily because it was something he would feel good about in the end. Case in point, this threesome. But it also took me back to a scene earlier in the season where they are looking for a place together and Chad expresses being excited that Lawrence is shedding his “good guy” ways. So that was an interesting continuation of that theme.
Season 2, Episode 5: Molly has sex with Dro
In terms of what she wanted, Molly always had a hard time practicing what she preached in matters of the heart. That was no different in how she moved in her situationship with Dro (Sarunas J. Jackson). I knew from the minute they first interacted on-screen that she’d end up letting him in sexually and emotionally, especially because she was not feeling ole dude that was good on paper (Sterling K. Brown). When the illusion she had of her parents’ picture-perfect marriage shattered, it was only a matter of time before she’d stray from her checklist and find herself underneath a man with whom she had no future as an act of self-sabotage.
As soon as he walked her to the door, we knew what time it was. He tried to walk away but Molly grabbed him by the hand and gave him a look that asked him to stay. And underneath Dro is exactly where she found herself at the end of the episode, leading to a series of trysts between the two that would continue throughout the remainder of the season.
Season 2, Episode 6: Issa, Daniel, and the infamous facial
I know the moment of the climax is the most talked-about aspect of this particular scene, but Daniel emitting that breathy moan when he first starts getting head? Yes. And him sinking into the couch before closing his eyes? Absolutely. And the attention to detail of holding her head closer to take more of “him” in when he is about to climax? Abso-fucking-lutely. To be frank, Issa’s dramatization following said unsolicited facial kind of killed what Daniel’s orgasm was doing for me, but still, I loved that we were able to get a sex scene where oral was more of the focus.
Honorable Mention: The intimate connection Molly and Dro have between them gets the visual treatment with a quick transition into them spooning.
Season 3, Episode 1: Boundaries are a thing
Nothing super intense or indulgent played out in this episode as far as sex scenes go, instead, it seemed to be planting seeds and establishing dynamics based on where people were in their lives. Boundaries also seemed to be an important theme, as both Molly and Issa navigated situations with men who had feelings for them (and they too had feelings for) but men they also didn’t necessarily want to get themselves too caught up on because of the mess history alluded to be on the other side.
Honorable Mention(s): There is an opening scene where Daniel is attempting to make Issa jealous or at least painfully aware of what she’s missing out on by having loud sex with someone else. The slow pan across Daniel’s body was cinematography for the books. Also, loved that brief intermission of oral between Dro and Molly where she was sitting on the counter and he was nestled in between her legs, the emphasis was placed on her pleasure. I personally loved this scene because it felt like a parallel for where they were in their situationship. Molly was in a place where she was intent upon laying out her boundaries and as the episode played out (as well as the demise of their dealings), the two were fighting for control. And by the end, they both retreated and a white flag was raised.
Season 3, Episode 3: The Issa and Daniel sex scene that never came to be
After a disappointing setback involving another producer, Daniel lashed out at Issa and called her out on some shit even though Issa’s line of questioning was perfectly on point. It resulted in a shutting down between both parties. Later that night though while laying together silently in bed, Daniel attempted to initiate sex with Issa. At first, she seemed to give in to his kisses and even seemed open to him eating her out, but instead of going backward with him again like we thought she would, Issa pumped the brakes and didn’t give in to the temptation because she knew the reality was, she couldn’t entertain Daniel in that way. The body is weak but the heart and mind were stronger.
Personally, I was relieved af. He’s fine but Daniel was one of the most emotionally immature men Issa had dealt with and I felt like their paths stopped and stalled so often for a reason.
Honorable Mention: The “good morning oral sex” fantasy Issa had with Daniel involved extra spicy Hot Cheetos and some diligent head game.
Season 3, Episode 5: Issa and Nathan on the Ferris wheel
I felt the chemistry between Issa and Nathan (Kendrick Sampson) as soon as he dropped her taco earlier on in the season so when they reunited again during Coachella, I was like immediately yes. I never knew I would need a sex scene such as this, but everything from the cool-toned lighting to the Ferris wheel setting made this a contender for one of the best sex scenes on Insecure (for me). The lead-up conversation where Nathan made Issa feel seen and supported (another reason why I like him around for her character) added to how their first time played out. Issa pulled him in for a kiss, got onto his lap, and the rest was history.
I loved Nathan’s attention to her nipple (a detail we don’t often see, especially from the main actors) and when he told her to show him how much she wanted him, I understood why sis had no choice but to put her panties to the side and pull him into an impromptu ride.
Season 4, Episode 1: Issa and her TSA cut buddy
After Nathan dropped the ball by turning into Ghost Bae, we are introduced to one of Issa’s next hookups at the beginning of the series’ fourth season. TSA Bae (Reggie Conquest) was putting in work and I lived for the thick fellas getting some love on the show and showing some nudity on top of that. Here for it! I also loved the nod to the sometimes underrated nature of how people look at missionary. As Issa classically said following their tryst, “Church is always in the answer.”
Honorable Mention: We got a glimpse into Lawrence and Condola’s (Christina Elmore) bedroom in this episode too, and I’ll just add it to the very short list of ways I felt did Lawrence and Condola wrong. The energy was just not…there.
Season 4, Episode 2: Issa and TSA Bae lose the condom
TSA Bae gets another quickie in as Issa’s go-to cut buddy at the start of this season. I personally loved seeing such diversity in love interests in this show, from size to race, which is why some of the fourth season’s love scenes stand out to me. This orgasm-inducing scene between Issa and TSA Bae in particular even added some butt play to the mix. Initially, Issa is shown positioned over the side of the bed while TSA Bae is thrusting out Issa’s “stress.” After she orgasms, they switch to a modified missionary position so he can get his. Sir respectfully requests that Issa press his “button” during to intensify his climax. Here. For. It.
Honorable Mention: Take the cake Andrew (Alexander Hodge), take the cake. IYKYK.
Season 4, Episode 7: Andrew and Molly’s vacation sex
Merie W. Wallace/HBO
On their first couple’s baecation, Andrew and Molly prioritize experimenting. Our first taste of that was when Andrew snuck his hand beneath her blanket while in the air. An easy life hack for joining the Mile High Club without joining the Mile High Club. The conversation about what they like and want to explore continues when they enter their hotel room and bring out the toys they decided to try on the trip. Molly says she knows she likes the fingering sesh from on the plane and wants to try the balcony. They take it outside where Andrew thrusts into her while holding her neck and the beauty of Puerto Vallarta surrounds them.
Honorable Mention: Molly taps into her dominant side later when she slides that thang up to Andrew’s face while he’s blindfolded. She does this before instructing Andrew to eat her ass. He humbly obliges.
Season 4, Episode 8: Issa and Lawrence reunite for real, for real this time
I felt this reunion in my soul. Even though it was a reunion I didn’t know I was going to get, the combination of the real conversations they had and the body-to-body connection they were able to reignite by the end of the episode was everything. Lawrence and Issa were introduced as a couple at the beginning of the series and lost their way due to Issa cheating on him with Daniel. It was great to see that down the road, both of them were able to make peace with their contributions to the demise of the relationship and take accountability for their actions. It was also beautiful to note that Condola was a catalyst in Lawrence seeing something through that he might have always had a question mark about since it was shown to viewers that he was ready to marry Issa back in the first season. From the second they kissed, it seemed that they were finally coming home to each other where they had become better people and were in a better place. Coming together after falling apart.
Honorable Mention(s): Technically, the Lawrence and Issa sex montage happens at the start of the next episode but due to it being the only sex scene in episode 9, I’ll just place it here. The fact that all of the sex between the couple happened on or against his couch was a nice nod to previous episodes where a couch has seemed central to their shared intimacy.
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Featured image by Glen Wilson/HBO
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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