While in an interview that dealt with preparing for the summer from a health and beauty standpoint, I was asked what is a totally underrated thing that more women should do. My response? “Ladies should put their vagina on a summer diet.”
Although it might sound odd, here’s what I mean by that. This is the time of year when it’s hot and humid. It’s also when we tend to do more traveling and sometimes have extra time off. Not to mention the fact that our swimsuits and shorts may be on the snugger side. Factor all of these things in, and it equals out to the importance of being hypervigilant about keeping vaginal infections at bay while also doing our best to keep our sex drives going strong (for those romantic vacations and days when we can sleep in).
Well, something that can help to accomplish these goals is consuming a vagina-friendly diet that consists of several foods that happen to be in season during the summertime.
So, if you want both you and “her” feeling really good over the next couple of months, here are the following 15 foods (along with some recipes that feature them) that get — and keep — you both tight ‘n right in the best ways possible…all summer long.
1. Blackberries
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Whenever I’m looking to enjoy a light summer snack, some blackberries and whipped cream will oftentimes hit the spot. Blackberries are good for you because they are high in fiber, and they have vitamins C and K and manganese in them. Believe it or not, if you’re looking for a fruit that will help to keep your oral health on-point, blackberries have your back in that department too.
The reason why your vagina will appreciate you upping your blackberry intake is the vitamin C in them can help to heal and even prevent bacterial vaginosis. Also, since vitamin C is awesome at boosting your immunity, blackberries can help to keep bad bacteria from leading to a yeast infection.
Blackberries Recipe: Blackberry White Chocolate S’mores
2. Limes
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I like sour stuff, so nothing brings me more joy than a tall glass of Simply Limeade or even a limeade from Sonic (their ice is still king!). Shoot, even when I drink simple lime water, I’m looking out for my health in a delicious way because it’s got vitamins A, B, C, and D, magnesium, potassium, and even calcium in it — and all of these things work together to improve my digestion, keep my skin clear and even help me to shed a few pounds.
Since limes are also full of antioxidants, they can help stabilize your pH balance so that vaginitis isn't an issue for you. And since an unbalanced pH can cause things like vaginal odor, itchiness, and irritation, that’s something that you definitely should care about. Where are your limes at?
Limes Recipe: Lime Sorbet
3. Corn
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I don’t know what it is about fresh corn on the cob on a summer evening, but I can totally dig it. As a healthy grain, corn is chock full of water (over 70 percent), protein, and fiber. It’s also a good source of carbs, zinc, phosphorus, magnesium, and copper. Since corn also contains vitamin C, it’s great when it comes to maintaining eye health and helping to keep cancer and heart disease at bay.
Your vagina will appreciate corn because the zinc and copper that’s in it will help keep your vaginal tissues nice and healthy. Some studies reveal that zinc is beneficial to women’s sex drive once they’ve become menopausal too.
Corn Recipe: Mexican Street Corn
4. Summer Squash
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Probably the best way to define summer squash is it’s the kind of squash that has rinds that can be consumed. When folks think of summer squash, what usually comes to mind is zucchini and yellow squash, although there are technically several others.
One of the best things about squash (at least in my opinion) is there are so many ways to prepare it: you can grill it, bake it, fry it, sautée it, roast it — and that’s just for starters. And every time you consume it, you can feel good about yourself because squash contains vitamins B6, C, and beta-carotene that can improve the health of your eyes and skin. Summer squash, specifically, also has vitamin A, along with phosphorus, magnesium, potassium, and fiber.
All of this is beneficial to your vaginal health, indirectly, because things like low B6 lead to mood swings and a weakened immune system; low magnesium leads to weakness, body stiffness, and changes in personality; and low potassium leads to things like weakness and muscle cramping. Does any of this sound like the makings of a good time when it comes to sex? Exactly. Get some squash in. Your vagina will thank you for it.
Summer Squash Recipe: Sautéed Yellow Squash
5. Plums
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Something that is related to peaches and nectarines is plums. Plums are good for you because they’re a great source of fiber and a solid source of vitamin C. They also contain a fair amount of just about any other nutrient that you can imagine. Health benefits-wise, plums are also filled with antioxidants, are good for your health, and help keep your bones in great shape.
Plums make the “vagina summer diet” list because they also contain properties that help to reduce anxiety and stress. This is good to know because those types of feelings can cause irregular periods, vaginal dryness, and a low sex drive too.
Plums Recipe: Plum Tarts with Honey and Black Pepper
6. Watermelon
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Although I enjoy watermelon, something that irks the entire mess outta me about it is, it’s such a hit-or-miss type of fruit. Meaning, it’s either gonna be extremely sweet or basically some trash. If you share my sentiment and that’s why you don’t partake in it as much as you would like, from what I’ve read and researched, the rounder a watermelon is, the better. Not only that but the bolder and more consistent the stripes are on the melon indicate how ripe it is. Also, avoid green stems; those mean that the watermelon isn’t as sweet as you probably want it to be (you’re welcome, sis).
On to the health benefits. Since watermelon is made up of 92 percent water, it’s definitely a fruit that will help to keep you hydrated. It’s also a pretty good source of fiber, protein, and vitamin C, along with antioxidants and citrulline, which is an amino acid that helps to improve athletic performance. Citrulline is also dope because it can help men who deal with erectile dysfunction (which is why watermelon also has the nickname “natural Viagra”). Also, some studies say that it can help to decrease the discomfort that’s associated with sickle cell disease.
Why will your vagina adore watermelon? Well, I actually read a doctor’s interview that said that a consistent dose of citrulline can help to strengthen the pelvic floor of both men and women. The stronger your walls are, the easier it is to orgasm.
Watermelon Recipe: Watermelon Lemonade
7. Cucumber
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Another food that is made up of mostly water (96 percent, to be exact) is the cucumber. Nutrient-wise, it also can give you a fair amount of fiber, protein, and vitamin K along with antioxidants, potassium, and vitamin C. Health-wise, not only will cucumbers keep you hydrated, but they will also manage your blood sugar and help to keep you regular.
Cucumbers can be awesome as far as your vaginal health goes, mostly because vitamin K is linked to decreasing the chances of being diagnosed with an HPV infection. And since there’s also a connection between vitamin K and estrogen levels staying where they belong, eating cucumbers is always a win/win.
Cucumber Recipe: Cucumber Salsa
8. Cherries
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If you want to enjoy a big bowl of cherries while they are at their peak, make sure to cop you some before August 1; apparently, this is the window when they taste the absolute sweetest. And y’all, I’m not sure if too many things top how good cherries taste on a summer afternoon. As far as specific health benefits go, you’re gonna get some fiber, protein, vitamin C, and potassium. Cherries are also beneficial when it comes to the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that they carry, along with their ability to help with arthritic pain and improve your quality of sleep, thanks to the melatonin that is also in them.
Something else that’s great about cherries is, thanks to the magnesium that they contain, they can help to keep your cortisol (stress) hormone levels from spiking; as a direct result, your hormones are able to remain stabilized — this includes your sex hormones and the ones that help sex to feel good like oxytocin and dopamine. And yes, all of this is a shout-out to the health and well-being of your vagina in a semi-roundabout way.
Cherries Recipe: Cherry Slushie
9. Eggplant
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Don’t ask me to make you some eggplant parmesan because I promise you that I’m gonna hurt your feelings. I don’t know what inspired me to master that dish but chile…I have. Good thing, too, because eggplant is a fruit (yes, fruit) that is loaded with fiber and protein; it’s also got some vitamin A and vitamin C in it too. If you happen to be diabetic, polyphenols can keep your blood sugar in a good place. Also, eggplant contains cancer-fighting properties, and it can help to reduce the risk of heart disease.
Now get this: eggplant also has antioxidants in it, and one of them is called anthocyanins. Not only are they responsible for the fruit’s pigment, some studies say that it helps to reduce inflammation and oxidative stress and improve menopause-related symptoms. Now how cool is that?
Eggplant Recipe: Best-Ever Eggplant Meatballs
10. Honeydew
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So, when was the last time that you cut into a honeydew melon? Not only is it a good source of fiber, protein, and potassium, honeydew also contains properties that help to reduce blood pressure levels, keep your blood sugar in a healthy place, and it’s filled with electrolytes as well. If you’ve ever been curious about what electrolytes do, they strengthen muscles, make exercising easier, improve cognitive function, strengthen immunity, and even enhance your quality of sleep at night.
Since studies reveal that people who are low in electrolytes tend to be fatigued, moody, and irritable, recommending honeydew for your vagina is more about your va-jay-jay getting some (more) action than anything — because when you feel refreshed and happy, how can that not translate, beautifully, in the bedroom…right?
Honeydew Recipe: Honeydew Blueberry Soup
11. Yogurt
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If you’re a vegetarian and you’re looking for a high-protein snack, look no further than yogurt. Since it also has calcium, magnesium and vitamin D in it, I’m sure you can see why it’s good for you on a few different levels — including the fact that it can help you to manage your weight, strengthen your heart and immunity and it could even reduce your chances of being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
Vagina-wise, yogurt is bomb because it also has a good amount of Vitamin B12 in it. And since studies show that a B12 deficiency is linked to things like vaginal dryness and even infertility, some frozen yogurt would be ideal in the heat in a myriad of different ways.
Yogurt Recipe: Grapefruit Yogurt Cake
12. TruFru
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When I tell you that I’ve been wondering where TruFru has been all of my life, ever since enjoying my first bag of some a couple of months ago — have mercy! If you’ve never had the pleasure, it’s frozen fruit pieces that are covered in white and dark chocolate. Although I can only comment on the raspberry and cherry ones, they also have bananas, pineapples, blueberries, and strawberries (and other dips, including dark chocolate and peanut butter, white chocolate and coconut, and ruby cacao).
We’ve already covered the benefits of berries and cherries, so let me focus on the dark chocolate part. Since dark chocolate is also full of antioxidants along with magnesium that helps to stimulate blood flow throughout your body — this means that your genital region can get a bit of a sexual stimulation kick which is always an excellent thing. (As a bonus, dark chocolate can protect your skin from damaging sun rays too!)
Anyway, if you want to read up more on TruFru, feel free to here. I’ve found mine at pretty much any local grocery store that I’ve been to, and, even though they aren’t the cheapest things on the planet, I’ve had no regrets, ever, when it comes to purchasing a bag (or three).
13. Mineral Water
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I make it no secret that “flat water” bores me to tears. So, the way that I get my water intake in is by drinking sparkling water; sometimes, it’s sparkling mineral water. Mineral water can be beneficial because it has magnesium, calcium, and fluoride (for starters) in it. These work together to promote bone health, lower your blood pressure, and even relieve constipation.
Consuming mineral water can help to maintain your vaginal health because the fewer toxins that are in your system, the less bad bacteria will affect your vagina. Plus, the more water that’s in your system, the more lubricated your vagina will naturally be. And that’s always a good thing…all the way around. Not to mention the fact that the magnesium in it can make PMS easier to bear.
Mineral Water Recipe: Ranch Water
14. Mezcal
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I’ve read enough comments from y’all to know that most of you have at least a few plans for yourself, some friends (or bae), and a couple of bottles of liquor. When it comes to selecting the best kind of alcohol, when was the last time you indulged in some mezcal? If you’ve never had any before, it’s a blend of agave and tequila and is considered to be one of the healthiest forms of alcohol around (check out bon appétit’s “Why Are All the ‘Healthy’ People Drinking Mezcal?”).
The combination of the agave and tequila can aid in weight loss, supporting bone health and reducing inflammation.
And since Mezcal can also help to boost the iron levels in your system and since iron deficiency can affect your metabolism and stress levels, and since stress can have a direct effect on your sex and feel-good hormones — why not enjoy a class or two of Mezcal this coming weekend? Get you and your vagina hype. Why not?
Mezcal Recipe: Mezcal Mango Smash
15. Red Wine
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As if you needed a reason or an excuse to drink a glass of wine tonight other than you want to, right? Still, doing so is helpful on a few levels. I say that because red wine is packed with antioxidants that work to balance your blood sugar levels, improve your memory, strengthen your heart, reduce your cancer risks, and fight off certain viruses too.
And looka here — science also says that if you consume a moderate amount of red wine on a fairly consistent basis, the properties in it will increase vaginal lubrication, sexual desire, and blood flow to your va-jay-jay, which makes climaxing easier and more intense.
So, do yourself and your vagina a favor and check out this list (here) of some of the best red wines for 2023. After you finish grocery shopping for the rest of these foods, there’s no better way to top off your meal — and the memories that you will be making this summer. Enjoy!
Red Wine Recipe: Red Wine Poached Pears
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Let me take you to a place nice and quiet. There ain’t no one there to interrupt, ain’t gotta rush. I just want to take it nice and slow. If you don’t know the source of those song lyrics — chile, I don’t know what to tell you because, as far as your customized sex playlists go, it should definitely be somewhere on one of ‘em. And when it comes to what we’re going to unpack, just a bit today, that is definitely the first jam that came to my mind.
Sex. Sex that is nice and slow. It’s the absolute best. Or is it?
Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
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