While in an interview that dealt with preparing for the summer from a health and beauty standpoint, I was asked what is a totally underrated thing that more women should do. My response? “Ladies should put their vagina on a summer diet.”
Although it might sound odd, here’s what I mean by that. This is the time of year when it’s hot and humid. It’s also when we tend to do more traveling and sometimes have extra time off. Not to mention the fact that our swimsuits and shorts may be on the snugger side. Factor all of these things in, and it equals out to the importance of being hypervigilant about keeping vaginal infections at bay while also doing our best to keep our sex drives going strong (for those romantic vacations and days when we can sleep in).
Well, something that can help to accomplish these goals is consuming a vagina-friendly diet that consists of several foods that happen to be in season during the summertime.
So, if you want both you and “her” feeling really good over the next couple of months, here are the following 15 foods (along with some recipes that feature them) that get — and keep — you both tight ‘n right in the best ways possible…all summer long.
1. Blackberries
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Whenever I’m looking to enjoy a light summer snack, some blackberries and whipped cream will oftentimes hit the spot. Blackberries are good for you because they are high in fiber, and they have vitamins C and K and manganese in them. Believe it or not, if you’re looking for a fruit that will help to keep your oral health on-point, blackberries have your back in that department too.
The reason why your vagina will appreciate you upping your blackberry intake is the vitamin C in them can help to heal and even prevent bacterial vaginosis. Also, since vitamin C is awesome at boosting your immunity, blackberries can help to keep bad bacteria from leading to a yeast infection.
Blackberries Recipe: Blackberry White Chocolate S’mores
2. Limes
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I like sour stuff, so nothing brings me more joy than a tall glass of Simply Limeade or even a limeade from Sonic (their ice is still king!). Shoot, even when I drink simple lime water, I’m looking out for my health in a delicious way because it’s got vitamins A, B, C, and D, magnesium, potassium, and even calcium in it — and all of these things work together to improve my digestion, keep my skin clear and even help me to shed a few pounds.
Since limes are also full of antioxidants, they can help stabilize your pH balance so that vaginitis isn't an issue for you. And since an unbalanced pH can cause things like vaginal odor, itchiness, and irritation, that’s something that you definitely should care about. Where are your limes at?
Limes Recipe: Lime Sorbet
3. Corn
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I don’t know what it is about fresh corn on the cob on a summer evening, but I can totally dig it. As a healthy grain, corn is chock full of water (over 70 percent), protein, and fiber. It’s also a good source of carbs, zinc, phosphorus, magnesium, and copper. Since corn also contains vitamin C, it’s great when it comes to maintaining eye health and helping to keep cancer and heart disease at bay.
Your vagina will appreciate corn because the zinc and copper that’s in it will help keep your vaginal tissues nice and healthy. Some studies reveal that zinc is beneficial to women’s sex drive once they’ve become menopausal too.
Corn Recipe: Mexican Street Corn
4. Summer Squash
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Probably the best way to define summer squash is it’s the kind of squash that has rinds that can be consumed. When folks think of summer squash, what usually comes to mind is zucchini and yellow squash, although there are technically several others.
One of the best things about squash (at least in my opinion) is there are so many ways to prepare it: you can grill it, bake it, fry it, sautée it, roast it — and that’s just for starters. And every time you consume it, you can feel good about yourself because squash contains vitamins B6, C, and beta-carotene that can improve the health of your eyes and skin. Summer squash, specifically, also has vitamin A, along with phosphorus, magnesium, potassium, and fiber.
All of this is beneficial to your vaginal health, indirectly, because things like low B6 lead to mood swings and a weakened immune system; low magnesium leads to weakness, body stiffness, and changes in personality; and low potassium leads to things like weakness and muscle cramping. Does any of this sound like the makings of a good time when it comes to sex? Exactly. Get some squash in. Your vagina will thank you for it.
Summer Squash Recipe: Sautéed Yellow Squash
5. Plums
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Something that is related to peaches and nectarines is plums. Plums are good for you because they’re a great source of fiber and a solid source of vitamin C. They also contain a fair amount of just about any other nutrient that you can imagine. Health benefits-wise, plums are also filled with antioxidants, are good for your health, and help keep your bones in great shape.
Plums make the “vagina summer diet” list because they also contain properties that help to reduce anxiety and stress. This is good to know because those types of feelings can cause irregular periods, vaginal dryness, and a low sex drive too.
Plums Recipe: Plum Tarts with Honey and Black Pepper
6. Watermelon
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Although I enjoy watermelon, something that irks the entire mess outta me about it is, it’s such a hit-or-miss type of fruit. Meaning, it’s either gonna be extremely sweet or basically some trash. If you share my sentiment and that’s why you don’t partake in it as much as you would like, from what I’ve read and researched, the rounder a watermelon is, the better. Not only that but the bolder and more consistent the stripes are on the melon indicate how ripe it is. Also, avoid green stems; those mean that the watermelon isn’t as sweet as you probably want it to be (you’re welcome, sis).
On to the health benefits. Since watermelon is made up of 92 percent water, it’s definitely a fruit that will help to keep you hydrated. It’s also a pretty good source of fiber, protein, and vitamin C, along with antioxidants and citrulline, which is an amino acid that helps to improve athletic performance. Citrulline is also dope because it can help men who deal with erectile dysfunction (which is why watermelon also has the nickname “natural Viagra”). Also, some studies say that it can help to decrease the discomfort that’s associated with sickle cell disease.
Why will your vagina adore watermelon? Well, I actually read a doctor’s interview that said that a consistent dose of citrulline can help to strengthen the pelvic floor of both men and women. The stronger your walls are, the easier it is to orgasm.
Watermelon Recipe: Watermelon Lemonade
7. Cucumber
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Another food that is made up of mostly water (96 percent, to be exact) is the cucumber. Nutrient-wise, it also can give you a fair amount of fiber, protein, and vitamin K along with antioxidants, potassium, and vitamin C. Health-wise, not only will cucumbers keep you hydrated, but they will also manage your blood sugar and help to keep you regular.
Cucumbers can be awesome as far as your vaginal health goes, mostly because vitamin K is linked to decreasing the chances of being diagnosed with an HPV infection. And since there’s also a connection between vitamin K and estrogen levels staying where they belong, eating cucumbers is always a win/win.
Cucumber Recipe: Cucumber Salsa
8. Cherries
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If you want to enjoy a big bowl of cherries while they are at their peak, make sure to cop you some before August 1; apparently, this is the window when they taste the absolute sweetest. And y’all, I’m not sure if too many things top how good cherries taste on a summer afternoon. As far as specific health benefits go, you’re gonna get some fiber, protein, vitamin C, and potassium. Cherries are also beneficial when it comes to the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that they carry, along with their ability to help with arthritic pain and improve your quality of sleep, thanks to the melatonin that is also in them.
Something else that’s great about cherries is, thanks to the magnesium that they contain, they can help to keep your cortisol (stress) hormone levels from spiking; as a direct result, your hormones are able to remain stabilized — this includes your sex hormones and the ones that help sex to feel good like oxytocin and dopamine. And yes, all of this is a shout-out to the health and well-being of your vagina in a semi-roundabout way.
Cherries Recipe: Cherry Slushie
9. Eggplant
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Don’t ask me to make you some eggplant parmesan because I promise you that I’m gonna hurt your feelings. I don’t know what inspired me to master that dish but chile…I have. Good thing, too, because eggplant is a fruit (yes, fruit) that is loaded with fiber and protein; it’s also got some vitamin A and vitamin C in it too. If you happen to be diabetic, polyphenols can keep your blood sugar in a good place. Also, eggplant contains cancer-fighting properties, and it can help to reduce the risk of heart disease.
Now get this: eggplant also has antioxidants in it, and one of them is called anthocyanins. Not only are they responsible for the fruit’s pigment, some studies say that it helps to reduce inflammation and oxidative stress and improve menopause-related symptoms. Now how cool is that?
Eggplant Recipe: Best-Ever Eggplant Meatballs
10. Honeydew
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So, when was the last time that you cut into a honeydew melon? Not only is it a good source of fiber, protein, and potassium, honeydew also contains properties that help to reduce blood pressure levels, keep your blood sugar in a healthy place, and it’s filled with electrolytes as well. If you’ve ever been curious about what electrolytes do, they strengthen muscles, make exercising easier, improve cognitive function, strengthen immunity, and even enhance your quality of sleep at night.
Since studies reveal that people who are low in electrolytes tend to be fatigued, moody, and irritable, recommending honeydew for your vagina is more about your va-jay-jay getting some (more) action than anything — because when you feel refreshed and happy, how can that not translate, beautifully, in the bedroom…right?
Honeydew Recipe: Honeydew Blueberry Soup
11. Yogurt
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If you’re a vegetarian and you’re looking for a high-protein snack, look no further than yogurt. Since it also has calcium, magnesium and vitamin D in it, I’m sure you can see why it’s good for you on a few different levels — including the fact that it can help you to manage your weight, strengthen your heart and immunity and it could even reduce your chances of being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.
Vagina-wise, yogurt is bomb because it also has a good amount of Vitamin B12 in it. And since studies show that a B12 deficiency is linked to things like vaginal dryness and even infertility, some frozen yogurt would be ideal in the heat in a myriad of different ways.
Yogurt Recipe: Grapefruit Yogurt Cake
12. TruFru
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When I tell you that I’ve been wondering where TruFru has been all of my life, ever since enjoying my first bag of some a couple of months ago — have mercy! If you’ve never had the pleasure, it’s frozen fruit pieces that are covered in white and dark chocolate. Although I can only comment on the raspberry and cherry ones, they also have bananas, pineapples, blueberries, and strawberries (and other dips, including dark chocolate and peanut butter, white chocolate and coconut, and ruby cacao).
We’ve already covered the benefits of berries and cherries, so let me focus on the dark chocolate part. Since dark chocolate is also full of antioxidants along with magnesium that helps to stimulate blood flow throughout your body — this means that your genital region can get a bit of a sexual stimulation kick which is always an excellent thing. (As a bonus, dark chocolate can protect your skin from damaging sun rays too!)
Anyway, if you want to read up more on TruFru, feel free to here. I’ve found mine at pretty much any local grocery store that I’ve been to, and, even though they aren’t the cheapest things on the planet, I’ve had no regrets, ever, when it comes to purchasing a bag (or three).
13. Mineral Water
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I make it no secret that “flat water” bores me to tears. So, the way that I get my water intake in is by drinking sparkling water; sometimes, it’s sparkling mineral water. Mineral water can be beneficial because it has magnesium, calcium, and fluoride (for starters) in it. These work together to promote bone health, lower your blood pressure, and even relieve constipation.
Consuming mineral water can help to maintain your vaginal health because the fewer toxins that are in your system, the less bad bacteria will affect your vagina. Plus, the more water that’s in your system, the more lubricated your vagina will naturally be. And that’s always a good thing…all the way around. Not to mention the fact that the magnesium in it can make PMS easier to bear.
Mineral Water Recipe: Ranch Water
14. Mezcal
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I’ve read enough comments from y’all to know that most of you have at least a few plans for yourself, some friends (or bae), and a couple of bottles of liquor. When it comes to selecting the best kind of alcohol, when was the last time you indulged in some mezcal? If you’ve never had any before, it’s a blend of agave and tequila and is considered to be one of the healthiest forms of alcohol around (check out bon appétit’s “Why Are All the ‘Healthy’ People Drinking Mezcal?”).
The combination of the agave and tequila can aid in weight loss, supporting bone health and reducing inflammation.
And since Mezcal can also help to boost the iron levels in your system and since iron deficiency can affect your metabolism and stress levels, and since stress can have a direct effect on your sex and feel-good hormones — why not enjoy a class or two of Mezcal this coming weekend? Get you and your vagina hype. Why not?
Mezcal Recipe: Mezcal Mango Smash
15. Red Wine
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As if you needed a reason or an excuse to drink a glass of wine tonight other than you want to, right? Still, doing so is helpful on a few levels. I say that because red wine is packed with antioxidants that work to balance your blood sugar levels, improve your memory, strengthen your heart, reduce your cancer risks, and fight off certain viruses too.
And looka here — science also says that if you consume a moderate amount of red wine on a fairly consistent basis, the properties in it will increase vaginal lubrication, sexual desire, and blood flow to your va-jay-jay, which makes climaxing easier and more intense.
So, do yourself and your vagina a favor and check out this list (here) of some of the best red wines for 2023. After you finish grocery shopping for the rest of these foods, there’s no better way to top off your meal — and the memories that you will be making this summer. Enjoy!
Red Wine Recipe: Red Wine Poached Pears
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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