
Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.

To me, manipulation is a lot like lying: on some level, all of us do it at some point or another (anyone who says otherwise, ironically, is either lying or being manipulative). Then there are those who seem to not be able to have any kind of relationship with other people unless they are trying to attach strings on them to pull on.
From a mental health perspective, when manipulation is at a fever pitch, that can lean into personality disorders like borderline personality and narcissistic personality (you cannot “Google” an official diagnosis on these, by the way; a licensed and reputable therapist would need to draw that kind of conclusion). Okay, but what if you’re just trying to figure out, once and for all, if there are some people in your world who simply use manipulation far more than they should? More importantly, what if you’re trying to assess if the main manipulative individual in your world is actually…you?
This is just what we’re going to explore today: what manipulation is all about, how to properly discern it, and what to do if you want it to stop. Because, if there is one thing that can become a real cancer in relationships, it is sho ‘nuf manipulation.
What Is Manipulation?
Perhaps, one of the most fascinating things about manipulation is, there are so many ways to define it. Some say that it’s all about someone exerting their influence over one or more people in order to get their way (or a particular agenda accomplished). Others believe that it’s based on creating some sort of stratagem that will make it easier for one person to exert their power over another (or others). Still, others call it a form of emotional exploitation, playing mind games and/or coming up with clever tactics in order to accomplish something that will quite possibly harm (or drain) one individual while benefiting another at the same time.
At the end of the day, what all of these things have in common is manipulation is all about control. Therefore, people who don’t seek to control others aren’t considered to be manipulative — controlling ones are. And already, that should be a sobering thought for a lot of folks because, if there’s one thing that a lot of people tend to be, that they don’t want to admit, it’s controlling.
Some individual’s egos are so out of control that it won’t let them humble themselves enough to realize that they are this way. Then there are those who’ve been used to manipulating for so long, in a bit of a more subtle way, that they don’t get how much they actually do it. I’ll give you an example. Recently, I was out with a “love sister” (sister by love not blood) of mine. Her mom called her three times in a row. When she texted her to say that she was fine and that she would call her later, her mom called her again. That caused her to think that something was wrong, so she called her back. Nothing was wrong. Her mom said that it could’ve been, though, which is why she should’ve picked up.
Do you see the nuanced manipulation here? Her mother wanted her to pick up when she felt that she should’ve and then threw in some guilt to, in her mind, hopefully, get her daughter to respond immediately in the future. Manipulation. Ugh.
I’ll give you another example. I’m currently working with a couple who are having all sorts of sex-related issues. The main reason is that the wife uses sex as a tool of manipulation. She basically does this by withholding intimacy until or unless she wants something. When she does, suddenly here comes all of the candles and lingerie (eye roll). It really is another message for another time that transactional dating plays a very significant role in how so many people have gotten to a place of using — more like misusing and abusing — sex in marriage. For now, I'll just say that it was NEVER created to be an “if this, then” dynamic.
Sex, especially in marriage, is to be about two people expressing their feelings for one another in a way where they both physically and mentally benefit: it’s not a way to (say) get some new shoes or get someone to change their mind about something. Using sex in that way is — yep, you guessed it: a form of manipulation. And approaching sex in this fashion is absolutely nothing to be proud of.
So, if manipulation is a tactic that no one should be proud of, why does it seem like an overwhelming amount of people are, indeed, manipulative? Now that’s a good question right there.
What Do People Get Out of Being Manipulative?
Last year, the Harvard Business Review published an article entitled, “Are You Being Influenced or Manipulated?.”
One of the points it brought up is that while influence is about swaying people in one direction or another (because we see on a daily basis, via celebrity culture, that influence can be positive or negative), manipulation is all about “operating, moving, altering, stirring, guiding, and editing things in your environment. Over time, it’s come to mean handling and managing a situation skillfully to serve your own goals.” This basically means that, at the end of the day, while many could possibly benefit from another’s influence, the only person who truly benefits from manipulation is, indeed, the manipulator.
So, there you go. The reason why a lot of people have absolutely no problem with being manipulative is because all they really care about is doing whatever needs to be done to make something go/work in their favor. And since there are so many cryptic approaches to manipulation, oftentimes they will find ways to rationalize their approach in a way that makes them feel like saying or doing certain things are fully justified.
Things like what? Let’s touch on six rather common manipulation maneuvers.
6 Things (Most) Manipulative People Do
1. They take great pleasure in gaslighting. When you get a chance, check out “Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships” and “Are You Dating A Gaslighter? Here Are 6 Ways To Tell.” They both get into one of the things I hate with every fiber of my being: gaslighting. For now, I’ll just say that someone who is a gaslighter is someone who manipulates the truth or facts of something in such a way that they will have you wondering if you are the crazy one. Oftentimes people who suck at taking accountability for their own actions will take this particular manipulative approach.
2. They play the victim in order to change the narrative. Currently, I’m in the process of writing my third book. As I’m going over some of the most toxic people I’ve encountered, I think it’s interesting how much they liked to twist and turn things to where they basically wanted me to apologize to them for their ridiculous actions. Hey, but that’s what folks who play the victim do. In order to get extra attention or to deflect from the destructive (or even just offensive) things that they’ve done, they will find some type of way to get into a self-pity mode, cry and then try to pull you into the soap opera right along with them.
3. They pile on the guilt. No one likes feeling guilty — and no one knows this better than a master manipulator. If somehow they can get you to feel like you owe them or that you need to make something up to them, they might even convince you to go above and beyond. A great example of this is a series from a few years ago calledUnReal. It was a kinda-sorta fictionalized take on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise. Anyway, one of the main character’s, Rachel’s mom, was a psychiatrist who manipulated Rachel into thinking that she was a bad person for telling her mom “no” and not doing things that would keep some of her mother’s vile misdeeds private. Because Rachel was the victim of sexual abuse (at the hands of one of her mom’s patients, no less), Rachel’s self-esteem was already so low that whenever her mother would pressure her to do certain things, for a long time, she would cave. Anything to not feel bad about herself. See how guilt works?
4. They are BIG on ultimatums. An ultimatum is a threat. Plain and simple. And if you’ve got to threaten someone to get your way, not only is that a form of manipulation and ultimately control, it’s also something that, nine times outta 10, is gonna backfire on you at some point. This is something that I tell people who try and weaponize ultimatums in romantic relationships. If you’ve got to offer one for something to go your way, that’s a red flag. And whoever gives into that, they are going to either end up resenting you, hating themselves — or both? Because no one feels good about being pressured to do something. Folks who dish out ultimatums don’t care; so long as their agenda is accomplished, in their time, that’s all that matters.
5. They like to totally take over conversations. Manipulators are poor listeners. With all that I’ve already said, this should make complete and total sense because, if it’s about accomplishing what they want, the only person they think should be heard is pretty much themselves. Not only that but, if they let others speak for too long, that could throw a serious wrench into their plans because points may be brought up that they will have a hard time refuting. Yeah, folks who tend to monopolize conversations can definitely go into the file of being manipulative individuals.
6. They try to convince you that your needs are not as important as theirs. These types of manipulators are honestly what help to keep relationship therapists, counselors and life coaches in business because they honestly couldn’t care less about mutuality and reciprocity. If these manipulators were being real with, at least themselves, they would admit that they see others as a source or resource — no more, no less.
Like I said, manipulation happens a lot. In fact, it’s almost scary to realize how many people don’t know how to interact at all unless some type of manipulation, on their part, is going on. SMDH.
What Does a Manipulative Relationship Look Like?
So, now that we’ve explored some pretty common tactics that most manipulators use, let’s briefly explore a manipulation-based scenario for five different types of relationships, so that you can get an idea of how interacting with a manipulative person looks and feels like.
Parental: The reason why I’ve written articles for the site like “How To Require Respect From Your Parents As An Adult,” “How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child,” and “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” is because, it really is an epidemic — hell, more like a pandemic — the amount of people who can totally relate to one of my favorite sayings: “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” That said, if you’ve got a parent (or older family member) who thinks that respect should not be mutual when it comes to engaging them and/or they like to pile on guilt whenever things don’t go their way and/or they feel justified in dishonoring your already-articulated boundaries, I promise you that you are dealing with someone who is manipulative.
Professional: It can’t be said enough that, before taking a position, you really should ask to see your job description in print. Take it from me, as someone who’s had a few nonprofit gigs over my life, folks will have you out here doing four jobs for one paycheck, if you’re not careful. And yes, that is absolutely a form of professional manipulation (check out “Ever Wonder If You've Got An Emotionally Abusive Boss?”).
Romantic: Yeah, I’m gonna keep this one short ‘n sweet. When you get a sec, please read, “The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You.” If after doing so, you’re either mad triggered or you totally can’t relate (to the improvement part), on some level, sis, yes — you are being manipulated (or you’re doing the manipulating…ouch).
Friendship: I’ll put this one this way: Do you have a friend who only calls when they want something? Do you have a friend who is all about calling you out on your ish yet then plays the “You should just support me” card whenever you return the favor? Do you have a friend who takes more than they give? Do you have a friend who is passive-aggressive in conversations? Do you have a friend who projects their issues onto you? Do you have a friend who finds an excuse for each and every time they do something wrong, offend you or simply hurt your feelings? Do you have a friend who likes to make you question your every move? You already know what I’m gonna say, right? So, please read this: “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend.” Oh, and this: “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One.” Hmm…now that I think about it, also this: “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend.”
Church-related: Spiritual manipulation is real. LAWD, IS IT REAL. One of the most common tactics that church folks will use to accomplish it is to twist and turn Scripture to try and talk you into doing something you don’t want to do. They will act like, so long as they give you a chapter and verse, your own relationship with God (along with your own discernment and wisdom), should take the backseat. Hmph. Even the devil himself knows the Bible. Nope. Hard pass on spiritual manipulation.
How to Stop a Manipulative Person in Their Tracks
Now that some clarity about manipulation and how it operates have made itself known, what can you do whenever you sense that someone is trying to manipulate you?
1. Call them out on their ish. Wanna see a manipulative person get triggered like nobody’s business? Tell them that they are being that way. See, the thing about manipulative individuals is they’re so busy plotting and scheming, all the while thinking that their actions are totally undetectable, that they feel exposed when you tell them that you can see what they are up to. Yeah, manipulative people like to think they have the upper hand at all times; you totally destabilize them when you let them know that they don’t.
2. Say “no” and mean it. Manipulative people have a really difficult time with the word “no.” It makes sense too because a part of what they’re consumed with is trying to get people to say damn near anything but that. That’s why you’ve got to be really firm with these types of folks. While sometimes a “maybe” or “it’s up for compromise or negotiation” can happen with other people, don’t bend with manipulative ones. For them, “no means no” needs to stick because they need to hear it…because not enough people are telling them that. Real talk.
3. Set clear, firm, and consistent boundaries. A boundary is a limit and you don’t have to ask permission, apologize for or wait for someone to agree with, let alone like, a limit that you have put in place for you to have some peace in your life. No manipulative person is going to agree with that because boundaries hinder them from accomplishing what they set out to do — and that’s exactly why they need to have them.
How to Stop Being a Manipulative Individual (and Why You Should)
So, what if after reading all of this, you are basically squirming in your seat, because you recognize that you are the one who is the most manipulative? First, I’ll send you a few handclaps because it takes some real self-awareness and humility to even be willing to admit that (even if you only admit it to yourself). That said, even if there’s a part of you that wants to keep operating in this space, the main thing that’s important to keep in mind is…how would you feel if people were constantly coming up with cryptic ways to control you? If you wouldn’t like it, don’t you think that folks are about sick of your own tactics at this point?
Listen, giving up manipulative ways is not something that happens overnight. However, if this is the day when you want to at least begin being a less manipulative person, here are a few tips:
Learn to listen. You don’t really get to decide if you’re a good listener or not — those around you do. So yeah, ask some of the closest people to you if you tend to cut them off a lot and/or not retain what they say. Non-manipulative individuals are all about flexibility and compromise and that comes from letting more than the sound of their own voice have the floor.
Respect those around you. The manipulative people of my past didn’t respect me; if they had, my boundaries would’ve been respected, my needs would’ve been respected, and my feelings would’ve been respected. Yeah, if you’re out here railroading people, you don’t have a “strong personality” — you are manipulative. Demanding respect while not offering it is some serious delusional thinking.
Accept what others want to do. Acceptance is hard and I’ll be the first one to admit it. I believe it’s that way because, when you really get to that point and place, you have to fully make peace that sometimes other people’s choices will not be ones that you like, understand, or make you feel comfortable. Still, if you want them to give you that kind of freedom, you have to be willing to do the same.
Humble yourself. Something that I oftentimes say is arrogance is nothing more than low self-esteem throwing a temper tantrum. In other words, a lot of cocky people don’t like themselves very much which is why they manipulate: they think they need to control things because they don’t trust that life will work out just fine if they learn to chill out and let things…be. Humble people are pretty good at this because they know that not everything is about them; especially all of the time.
Develop some patience. Manipulative people tend to be impatient as well. They want things to not only go their way but to happen on their timetable. If you want to steer clear of manipulation, master the art of waiting.
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Marianne Williamson once said, “The reason we’re such fertile ground for the dark forces of such lies and social manipulation is that we’re dissociated from the genuine light of self-awareness.” Indeed. If you don’t want to be manipulated, start with not being manipulative. Things are sure to illuminate from there.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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