Whenever I have clients who are engaged, something that I make sure to say to them, almost every session, is it's important to understand that oftentimes, what causes the end of a marital union isn't anything "big." Nah, it's more about the little irritants that, after a few years of them happening over and over again, start to drive one or both partners so completely up the wall that they would rather be alone than have to continue to endure what is basically the equivalent of listening to fingernails on the chalkboard.
And what does this have to do with the title of today's post? Well, a "chalkboard issue" can actually be a problem if you are a morning person while your partner is a night owl. It can affect sleeping patterns. It can affect pillow talk (i.e., quality time) moments. It can affect your sex life. So yeah, if you're contemplating sharing your bedroom, every day with someone, for years to come, definitely discuss who gets up at 5 a.m. and is thrilled about it vs. who can stay up until 2 a.m. with no problem at all.
Speaking of morning people, if you've ever wondered just what causes someone to be all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed before the sun even thinks about rising or if you're someone who would like to become more of a morning person, I thought you would find some of this intel interesting. Because, apparently, morning people don't "just happen." It goes so much deeper than that.
How to Find Your Chronotype. Revisited.
GiphyOkay, so before we get into what the personality traits of a morning person appear to be, let's first touch on what chronotypes are. If you're unfamiliar, what they basically boil down to is being the kind of things that cause our body to naturally want to fall asleep at certain times of the day. Chronotypes also help you to gain a better understanding of what causes you to be more alert at certain times of the day too.
As far as chronotypes go, they basically break down into four different categories that have the names of animals:
BEARS: They like to go to bed around 11 p.m., wake up at 7 a.m., and are most productive between 10 a.m.-2 p.m.
WOLVES: They like to go to bed around midnight, wake up at 7:30 a.m., and are most productive between 5 p.m.-12 a.m.
LIONS: They like to go to bed around 10 p.m., wake up at 6 a.m., and are most productive between 8 a.m.-12 p.m.
DOLPHINS: They like to go to bed around 11:30 p.m., wake up at 6:30 a.m., and are most productive between 3 p.m.-9 p.m.
In order to learn more about chronotypes and what they entail, the blog Casper has a great read on it here (also, if you want to take a quiz to find out what type you are, click here). The reason why it can be a good idea to get to know what your personal chronotype is is that it can give you greater insight into why your days naturally go the way that they do. It can also help you to better understand what kind of "tweaking" you would need to implement if you happen to want to be more productive during your early morning hours (even if it's just temporarily).
Okay, so now that you get why you may naturally or naturally not be a morning type of person, let's explore what the personality of a morning person is like.
What’s the Personality of a Morning Person Like?
GiphyAight, so with that ah-ha moment (for some) being out of the way, what are the traits of a morning kind of individual? I mean, really — what is it about a person who can jump out of bed singing, having a burst of energy, and being so optimistic before the day even officially begins that roosters are even giving them a perpetual side-eye? Well, according to some research that I recently checked out, personality types definitely play a role in whether someone is a morning person or not and it would appear that some traits of a morning person include that they are more conscientious and self-disciplined while also being less direct, open-minded and thrill-seeking.
When I thought about this from the angle of some of the married clients that I work with, I can definitely cosign on this. One couple, in particular, that I've worked with before, the husband is an engineer and the wife is in the entertainment industry. He is definitely an early morning person while she is a night owl and when I think about how they approach life, he is so Type A (conscientious and self-disciplined) that it can almost be suffocating.
Meanwhile, for example, he's not even a good flyer (he's pretty close to being afraid to fly) while his wife travels for a living and doesn't give it much of a second thought (open-minded, thrill-seeking). If it wasn't for him being so over-the-top with his disciplined lifestyle (especially financially), I'm pretty sure she'd be close to flat broke; meanwhile, if it wasn't for her "hey, let's try it" outlook on life, he would be boring — and limited — as hell.
Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with being a morning person — or not being one. There are benefits and advantages to both. Now what I will say about morning people is it's a lot easier to get a lot more done when you're up in the wee hours of the day and knocking out a lot of what needs to be done. Not only that but a lot of the morning folks who I personally know tend to be less stressed because they oftentimes get so much done before noon. That's why, even if you're not a morning person, I am in full support of you at least considering getting up earlier, a couple of days a week, in order to make the most of your time. And just how do you do that?
6 Tips for Becoming More of a Morning Person
GiphyAgain, there's nothing wrong with not being a morning person. Still, if there is a part of you that knows you would be better off being more conscientious and self-disciplined so that you can get more out of your own morning time, here are some ways to make that happen.
1. Get on a sleep schedule. How crazy is it that a lot of us think kids should be on a sleep schedule, but we shouldn't? Chile. Because the CDC even says that grown folks should get no less than seven hours of sleep every night so that you can be more alert and refreshed come sunrise, and because that is so much easier to do when you have your own nighttime routine, you definitely should put yourself on a sleep schedule. An article that can help you do that is "These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night's Rest So Much Easier."
2. Sleep earlier. Awaken earlier. Out of all of the hacks to help you become more of a morning person, this one might be my favorite because it's so easy to implement. Basically, if you want to wake up 30 minutes earlier, it's probably best to go to bed 30 minutes earlier as well. That way, the extra zzz's that you're missing on the back end, you can get on the front.
3. Nix the naps. I'm actually kinda laughing about recommending this because if there is someone who will take a nap in a heartbeat, it's Shellie Reneè Warren. However, I'm also someone who enjoys sleeping like it's Six Flags or something. That said, if you know that more than a cat nap (around 25 minutes or so) will make it hard for you to sleep at night and/or will have you groggy in the morning, it's probably best to go without naps altogether.
4. Watch what you eat and drink. Have mercy, Lawd. Why am I finally at that age where drinking something an hour before bed will get me up twice in the middle of the night, making it harder to go to sleep? Yeah, it really is common sense that if you don't want to wake up at night, you should drink no later than a couple of hours before turning in. Also, try and keep sugar (including carbs) and caffeine at bay. Instead, opt for foods that are high in magnesium (it helps your neurotransmitter GABA at a healthy level so that you can sleep more soundly) instead. Some of those include almonds, pumpkin seeds, yogurt, dark chocolate, and mineral water.
5. Have sex. I'm not sure what can make you sleep better and harder than having some (good) sex before turning in. From a scientific standpoint, orgasms have the ability to reduce your stress levels while also producing the hormones oxytocin and prolactin in your system. Both of these work together in order to mellow you out, put you in a good mood, and also make you feel safe and secure with your partner —and all of these are the foundation of a great night's rest. That's why sex before going to sleep can improve your quality of sleep. And morning sex can inspire you to set your alarm clock 30 minutes earlier so that you can get out of bed with a big smile on your face. Hell, who said it had to be either or? Why not both?
6. Give yourself something to look forward to every morning. Let me tell it, what I just said in the point above this should count as something to look forward to; however, if sex isn't on the docket (for whatever the reason), still try and give yourself a reason to want to wake up earlier — a favorite breakfast food, time to read a chapter of a book or listen to your favorite podcast, a few minutes to catch up with a friend…anything that can make raising your head off of your pillow, not the top thing on your list to do the following morning.
I know we kinda covered a lot of ground here — what are chronotypes of sleepers, what are the traits of morning people, and how to become more of a morning person yourself? Yet I hope that the greatest takeaway is 1) morning people are oftentimes born more than made; 2) their ability to be morning people resonates in more than their sleeping patterns (because I don't know about you but most of the morning people that I know are extremely self-disciplined) and 3) you can create ways to enjoy the morning more than you might think. It's all about choosing to not view the early hours as your "enemy" but as a way to make the most of your time — from sunrise to sunset. Literally.
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Originally published on November 11, 2021
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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