Whenever we reach a roadblock in life, a number of different questions come to mind. Why me? What’s the purpose of this? What is all this trying to teach me? It's during these moments that life has a subtle way of nudging us to pause and listen because a necessary change could be on the horizon.
These inward signs are nothing to brush off as insignificant. In fact, when we see the outward manifestations of our stuckness in the form of hopelessness, purposelessness, and loss of enthusiasm, it’s a signal to acknowledge the unrest stirring beneath the surface.
Thankfully, we’re not just passengers to our journey, we get to be in the driver’s seat of our lives and course correct as we see fit. And amidst our weariness, there’s an even greater opportunity for clarity within the discomfort. By delving deep into our thoughts, emotions, and aspirations, we can transform our situation and become the person we truly desire to be.
To help, we’ve tapped Dr. Dain Heer, author of Being You, for the best questions to ask ourselves to become the fully actualized versions of ourselves that we want (and deserve) to be.
Q: What are some signs that it might be time for introspection in order to become our higher self?
A: What's true for us always makes us lighter and when we're trying to live according to other people's points of view of what we should be or do, we often get tired and unhappy. These are signs that we need to start looking in a different place for what needs to change.
Some of the warning signs may appear:
- When you don’t feel like yourself.
- When you are not happy.
- When things aren’t “working out” or you feel like you are stuck.
- When things feel heavy or roadblocks keep coming up.
- When you feel dissatisfied and in your head, you know that monkey mind voice that keeps coming up.
- When you are also very tired.
Q: What are a few questions one can ask ourselves to become the person we desire to be?
A: Firstly, I would find a quiet space and ask: “If I could create anything in my life in the next five years, what would it be?”
You may want to write it down or speak it into a recorder and examine these six areas of life: money and finances, business and work, relationship, body, and location. Get a sense of how it would feel to have these things exactly how you would like them. Then, ask the question: "What can I choose, and what do I need to change to create a life that I love?"
Some other great questions to ask yourself daily are:
- What else is possible for me that I've never considered?
- What if none of what I've been living has to be my reality in the future?
- What will my life be like in five years if I choose this?
- How does it get better than this?
- What else is truly possible?
- What would it take for this to be greater than I ever thought was possible?
- What's right about me I'm not getting?
- What limiting beliefs or patterns am I ready to release?
- Am I being true to myself, or am I living according to others' expectations?
Q: Why are times of introspection and self-reflection important for our overall growth?
A: In today's world, we tend to be very go-go-go — running from one fire to the next. We very seldom have a sense that we are present in our lives and in control. Introspection and self-reflection allow us to gain awareness again of what's actually true for us. Remember, what's true always makes you lighter.
We are capable of miracles and part of what it takes is for us to get presents and ask for what we would truly desire. Introspection and self-reflection [are] so important because [they] get us out of the autopilot that we've been functioning from and get us present in our lives, and when we're present in our lives, we can create our lives.
"When we're present in our lives, we can create our lives."
Q: What habits or behaviors could prevent us from becoming the person we envision, and how can we overcome them?
A: Judgment. It is the biggest killer of possibilities on this planet. Judgment of others and, most importantly, judgment of yourself. When you notice yourself doing self-judgment, ask yourself: "Who does this belong to? Is this mine? Or am I just aware of it?" And if it lightens up at all, it's not yours and returns it to whoever it came from.
Perfection is the highest form of judgment. Practice self-compassion and be your biggest cheerleader. If you are going to be true to yourself, you have to be willing to be you and be willing to disappoint people. When you are connected with you, your life becomes easier, you become happier, and become an invitation for others to be themselves.
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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What Is a Praise Kink?
The concept of praise kinks isn't new, but thanks to TikTok, a lot of people are now realizing they might identify as praise kinksters. Currently, the hashtag #praisek1nk is trending with 568.9 million views, with tons of creators posting about their love for compliments and words of affirmation during sex. I, too, love a good compliment during sex. I once had a lover sing my praises about how good I was at a certain bedroom activity. His affirmations gave me WAP, but does that categorize me as having a praise kink?
How To Know if You Have a Praise Kink
Just because you love receiving praise doesn’t mean you have a praise kink. Someone with a praise kink experiences an intense level of sexual excitement from being praised or verbally affirmed by their partner during sex. You might have a praise kink if hearing your partner tell you how pretty you are makes you cum or if the thing that makes sex go from good to great is hearing your partner's thoughts about how good you are at giving head. And if, during solo play, the thing that gets you all hot and bothered is recalling the times your partner called you a good girl, it’s probably a praise kink.
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Examples of Praise Kink Phrases To Try With Your Partner
If you’re new to the term and looking to explore, you probably have questions about what phrases to use. It may take a lot of communication and some trial and error to figure out what phrases work best for you and your partner. Ultimately, the best phrases to use vary from person to person and are based on what sex acts you and your partner enjoy, or what parts of their body they like complimented.
To get you started, here are some generic praise kink examples to try out with your partner:
Praise Kink Examples:
- You're such a good girl/boy.
- You're so good at [insert skill].
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- You taste so good. I can't get enough of you.
- You just have the perfect [body part].
- Just like that… you’re doing so good.
- Who taught you how to be so good at [something?]
While many examples of praise kink involve specific verbal affirmations, praise can also come in the form of brief words or phrases like “yes,” “keep going,” or simply a moan. No matter what type you prefer, praise kink is all about finding what feels good and exciting, and turns you and your partner on the most.
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Originally published on November 4, 2022