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Be Honest: Are You The One Holding Yourself Back In Life?
A Russian author by the name of Fyodor Dostoevsky once said something that I think is a great way to kick off this piece: “Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love.”
It’s profound to me because it’s a reminder that not only do lies create barriers to receiving truth and having a form of respect for oneself and others, but lies also make love almost impossible as well — self-love included. And when truth, respect, and love are not present, there’s absolutely no way that you can progress toward all that life has in store for you.
You know, as a life coach, if someone were to ask me what my job consists of the most, looking back on all of the clients I’ve dealt with over the years, I’d probably say it would be asking the kinds of questions that help people to see, for themselves, if they are 1) being totally honest or dishonest with themselves and 2) being real about the choices that they’ve been making that have led them to where they are.
So, let’s hold a mini-coaching session today. If a part of you, somewhere in the back of your mind, is wondering what you are doing that is holding you back in some areas or on some level, hopefully, by the end of this article, you’ll know what needs to be done to stop doing that — from here on out.
What I can assure you, off the rip, is that honesty with yourself is going to play a huge role in how to get you to where you want to go. I’ll explain.
How Honest Are You with Yourself?
There’s a woman I know who lies to herself a lot. And when I say “a lot”…I mean, A LOT. She does this by not taking accountability for her actions. She does this by always playing the victim (even when she’s the one who is in the wrong). She does this by refusing to live in reality. She does this by having unrealistic expectations. She does this by thinking that, whenever something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault; it’s like the saying, “Everywhere you go, there you are,” is a foreign concept to her.
The really tragic thing about all of this is it keeps her in a hamster wheel of dysfunction — and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change when it comes to this any time soon. See, that’s the thing about lying to yourself: if you do it long enough, you don’t even recognize that’s what’s happening anymore.
So yeah, let’s start with that. Be honest when you ask yourself, “How honest am I with myself?” And what I mean by that is, when it comes to certain things about your life right now that you wish were different, what things have you said and done that have brought you to this place and space?
For the record, being honest isn’t just about not lying or not being deceitful. Being honest is also about being genuine and being genuine is about not pretending, being authentic, and (catch this) staying original.
That last one alone is a real doozy because we live in a culture that beckons people to not be fresh, inventive, or unusual; it simply wants you to “get in line” and “play toy soldier” when it comes to relationships, sex, career paths, spirituality, your looks…shoot, you name it. And gee, when you look at honesty from the light of originality…a whole lot of people are liars, right? You ain’t neva lied.
That’s why it’s important to do self-inventory, at least a couple of times a year, by asking yourself how genuine you are with your motives, how authentic you are in your words and actions, and how original you are when it comes to your approach to things.
That reminds me — there’s another thing that you should factor in when it comes to this particular point and that’s some clear signs that you do indeed lie to yourself. Ready?
- You don’t take correction (because you only want to hear what YOU want to hear)
- You are always right (if that ain’t a damn lie, I don’t know what is; NO ONE is right all of the time)
- You’re hypocritical (you say one thing and do another and/or hold people to a bar that you don’t even keep)
- You let your emotions lead you all of the time (feelings are fickle; you need more stability than that)
- You run when things get hard (by telling yourself that life should always be easy and something is wrong if it’s not, that is a lie)
- You are inflexible (thinking that life doesn’t have seasons and shifts and that you shouldn’t adapt when they come, that is a lie)
- You romanticize everything (that’s not optimism; that’s foolishness)
- You put feelings over logic (self-explanatory)
- Your ego runs the show (also self-explanatory)
- You think everything should go the way you want it to
If any of these things deeply resonate with you, I can already tell you that you are definitely holding yourself back because one thing about the truth is it’s going to be rooted in facts, reality, and things that actually exist — not things that you merely wish would be the case.
So, say that you want to progress at your job, yet you always find an excuse for why you don’t complete tasks on time; you and the leaders over you are constantly bumping heads, and at the end of the day, you’re inflexible and unteachable — and yet somehow, when you meet up with friends for drinks after work and complain, you conveniently leave those things out, So, while everyone is talking about how your company doesn’t value you, you are lying to yourself and to your friends because you’re not taking accountability for your own actions.
Refusing to see you when it comes to your own life? Being dishonest with your own self in that way? That is definitely a top reason why many people remain in the patterns and cycles that they are in.
There’s more, though.
Remember: Familiar Isn’t Always or Automatically Good
Let’s tackle relationships for a moment. Say that you’re 29 and you want to be married and a mom by 35. Thing is, you keep going back to an ex, hoping that you can turn him into your husband and the father of your future children. Whenever you bring him up to your bestie, she’s always rolling her eyes. Whenever you update your male friends, they’re chuckling under their breath. Interestingly enough, although you know why you’re getting the responses and reactions that you do, you find yourself blaming everyone but the person who is keeping you from reaching your marriage and family goals — and it ain’t your ex either…it’s YOU.
I mean, if a man doesn’t want to move forward and you stay with him anyway, how is that his fault? You’re the one who’s sticking around for a front-row seat of the okey-doke show. And why do you do it? There could be dozens of reasons, to tell you the truth. However, one of them, I believe, is based on a saying that I tend to use in my sessions quite a bit: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right.
What I mean by that is, no matter how much something (or someone) may make us uncomfortable, may take us for granted, may mistreat us in some way, or simply may be showing signs of being a perpetual dead end — sometimes we will keep going back because that is the treatment that we’re used to.
I mean, isn’t that a big part of whatStockholm syndrome is all about, a victim developing a psychological bond with its abuser (I recently watched an indie film calledAllure that touched on this in some pretty damning ways)? And so yeah, sometimes going back to an ex, because that is what you know, seems so much easier to do (although it really isn’t if all that you’re ultimately doing is wasting your time) than breaking up with him for real, so that you can end old habits, learn new things and get to what and who is actually good for and to you (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”).
Although I’m sure that you’re aware of what the general concept of "good" means, just so you can know, for sure, if you are trading what’s familiar for it, "good" means things like "beneficial," "satisfactory," "right," "proper," "fit," "worthy," "safe," "sound," "genuine," "reliable," "dependable," and "trustworthy" (and that’s just 12 definitions). Now, if you’re on the brink of 30 and you want to have a family in five years, and your ex is dragging his feet…at the end of the day, what is possibly "good" about that? Not only that but what is happening, based on your goals, that is showing him to be a safe option, a reliable choice, and someone who will be a solid fit for you long-term?
Listen, a lot of people hold themselves back in life because they stick with what’s familiar when they need to be releasing it for what’s good so that they can do what’s actually right. Are you doing that? Again, be honest with yourself.
Sometimes Fear Can Be a Good Thing
Another thing that you could be doing to yourself is allowing fear to keep you from making real progress in life. That’s actually one thing that I admire about kids so much: their total fearlessness. They don’t really stop to think about the “bad” things that could happen if they say, jump out of a swing or flip off of some monkey bars; they want to try it, and so they’re going to do it. No matter how it turns out, at least they tried.
Although maturity does teach us to factor in things like wisdom and risk when making decisions, some people need to — yep, you guessed it — be honest with themselves and admit that the reason why they haven’t moved out of state or gone back to school or left their career for a new line of work is because they’re scared of what might happen if they do instead of focusing more on all of the grand things that could transpire once they do.
Fear is really an article on all its own, yet for the sake of time and space, I’ll end here by saying that being fearful is not a spiritually healthy way to live your life. I’ve got two Bible verses to totally back me up on this:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 2:7 — NKJV)
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
Goodness. I don’t know how much more can be said because if God and love don’t get behind fear, why should you? Like…REALLY.
Are You Too Prideful to Ask for Help?
Some of the funniest people in the world to me — not “ha ha” funny, more like “you are your own worst enemy” funny — are the ones who find themselves in a bind, are offered help, and refuse it. I mean, do you want to stay in the jam that you’re in or not? And what’s wild is, when you read articles (like the oneshere,here, andhere) on why people tend to not take the helping hand of other people, pride was always a top cause.
Just for the record, being prideful includes things like being unteachable, getting defensive, not being grateful, thinking that you can do everything on your own (which is hyper-independence), not being able to submit to authority, and wanting to always be praised for things. When you factor all of this in, can you see how all of this would make it very difficult to accept the assistance of another individual? Can you also see that if you need help and you’re not taking it, you’re participating in a form of self-sabotage that is counterproductive as hell (in the wise words of Thomas Hobbes, “Hell is truth seen too late.”)?
I can’t tell you how many people I know who have held themselves back because they were too prideful to humble themselves and admit that they couldn’t do something on their own. I don’t know if they refused assistance because they wanted the bragging rights of making accomplishments by themselves or they avoided support due to trust issues (or wanting to be the person to always help others, which is oftentimes known as “humble pride”). Either way, the ego can be a dangerous thing if it’s not brought into some sort of submission.
And you know what, if after reading this part, you feel triggered in some way, that’s probably your cue to do some journaling about if you need to get your pride under control. After all, Scripture does tell us that “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
Ask Yourself If What You’re Doing Now Will Benefit You Five Years from Now
Counterproductivity. At the end of the day, it’s all about being busy, doing things, yet not being busy doing things that are ultimately NOT going to (really) benefit you (much) in the long run. That said, what are you doing that’s professionally counterproductive? What are you doing that is personally counterproductive? What are you doing that is relationally counterproductive? What are you doing that is physically (and health-wise) counterproductive? Lawd, have mercy — what are you doing that is financially counterproductive? You get my drift.
I will tell you from personal experience that it’s really easy to get caught up in people, places, things, and ideas that really aren’t going to serve you very well if you don’t have a mapped-out plan. In fact, I was just having this conversation with a girlfriend of mine who has a music project that she needs to get done yet because she has so many other opportunities coming her way, she keeps pushing it back. NOT GOOD. Because while she’s lending her talent, skills, and names to help others attain their goals, she’s not reaching hers — and that’s actually holding herself back. And yes, at the end of the day, that is pretty counterproductive.
So, as I bring this to a close, that’s another thing that you should get really honest with yourself about: are you doing things, right now, that you know will benefit you five years from now? For instance, would it make more sense to put that $250 in a high-yield savings account or buy another pair of shoes that you are probably only going to wear a couple of times this year? Sure, one will scratch a temporary itch; however, what will have your back in the long run? I’m telling you, impulsive life living is definitely something that 1) many people go into complete denial about and 2) tons of folks allow to stand in their way.
A spiritual teacher by the name of Vernon Howard once said, “Be honest with yourself. That opens the door” — the door to self-awareness, the door to growth, the door to a life that you can truly make the most of.
You know, a lot of individuals will never gain access to all that life has to offer them because they would rather lie to themselves than get really honest and face some hard truths.
And so, if you were looking for a sign that you might be one of those individuals, get honest right now — ARE YOU?
Get free. Tell the truth, chile.
Watch what opens up for you…once you do!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Tinashe's 'Quantum' Leap: How Manifestation & Fearlessness Drive The Pop Star's Creative Journey
If there's one mantra that feels like the sound of summer, it is definitely Tinashe's clever earworm, "Is somebody gonna match my freak?" The 31-year-old singer's career has seen quite the resurgence with the popularity of her viral hit "Nasty," the subsequent release of her seventh album, Quantum Baby, and her 23-date Match My Freak World Tour, coming to a city near you this fall.
As a believer in manifestation, Tinashe is primed to think where she is in her journey is a testament to divine timing.
Quantum Baby, which dropped last month, is the second part of what Tinashe intends to be a trilogy. No doubt a nod to her angel number 333 (which also shares a name with her fifth studio album, 333), the intended trilogy will be an ever-evolving work-in-progress with room to become anything the universe and her path have in store for her.
While she's gearing up for what she says will be a "high energy tour," the Grammy nominee is also blessing us with her turn as the cover girl for a recent cover story with FLAUNT. In their "Close Encounters" issue, the pop princess is serving looks and spiritual wisdom, and these are just a few of the gems we collected.
On the ideal way to listen to her album, 'Quantum Baby':
"You have to be focused. I want you to be sitting in your room, smoking a joint, drinking some green tea with a candle, looking out the window, vibing with some cool visuals on the TV. I just want a vibe. I’m really into a vibe and then we can grow from there."
On the importance of action when manifesting:
"I think there’s not enough conversation about manifestation through action, and about creating energy as well as receiving it. It’s just as important to be able to start conversations and create banter as it is to contribute to what the universe is. The universe is asking you to participate.
"It’s asking you to give to it as well as receive it... you can’t be waiting for someone to do something for you and for it to fall out of the sky."
On not needing external recognition to create her art:
"I would create regardless of if anyone was listening or if anyone was helping me. Viral moments are amazing, and they really help and can create a lot of attention and a lot of eyes on you, but where I think the longevity is created is in creating that universe, creating a storyline, building a world that people can immerse themselves in."
On finding safety in her art and being fearless with her creativity:
"I feel a lot of safety in my art because you always have the fallback of ‘It’s just a song...’ There’s definitely some gray areas there in terms of what’s for the story and what’s real. That can be scary. I feel like I’ve reached a point where there’s a lot less fear in my creativity. I’m much more willing to see how it all plays out and to go with the flow because I have been so successful. So it’s just about enjoying those moments and not trying to live in fear."
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