
Two things that I made a concerted effort to do last year were make peace with a lot of areas of my life and to study more about what it means to be a minimalist (you can read a great article that breaks down what it means to be a minimalist here). In order to reach both of those goals, I had to let go of a lot of things—not just tangible ones either. I had to release some people, some perspectives, and certain expectations as it directly related to those people and perspectives.
I won't lie—doing some of that kicked my butt; altered me in some ways too. But if someone were to walk up to me right now and ask what pursuing peace and becoming more of a minimalist ultimately resulted in, I'd have to say that they both taught me to live in the moment.
How? It's fascinating, really. When you're not out here trying to buy a ton of stuff, maintain a billion relationships or define success based on other people's standards instead of your own, it's amazing how you're not so anxious or stressed about the future. It's not that you don't care about it (that's irresponsible), but it's like you take on the words that Christ himself once said—and instructed: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34—NKJV)
You realize that all you really should concern yourself with is doing your best, right here and right now. Everything else is either karma (the result of past "in the moment" choices that you made) or something that is totally out of your control. And acknowledging this reality? It creates a kind of woosah that releases a lot of overthinking, burdens, and stress. And that makes life so much easier, across the board.
If you get where I'm coming from in theory, but you are still trying to master how to actually get into the present more often, I've got some reasons, via personal experience, that can (hopefully) get you to stop worrying so much about the past or obsessing over the future. Because really—why do that when the present is where it's at? Literally.
1.No Matter What, Now Is a Teachable Moment

A poet by the name of X.J. Kennedy once said, "The purpose of time is to prevent everything from happening all at once." Another way to look at that quote is, "The purpose of time is to keep you from becoming totally overwhelmed"—or more overwhelmed than you already are. Whether this very moment is showing you how to be more patient, how to focus solely on the matters at hand, how to stop worrying so much, or how to stop pushing yourself so hard—if you get really quiet, breathe deeply and embrace living in the present, every single moment that you're in can teach you something; especially about yourself.
The more you learn, the more you grow. The more you grow, the more prepared you are for what the next moment has in store.
That's one of the best things about time—it instructs us how to pace ourselves, to not rush, and to accept how every moment flows in our lives. It took me a long time—too long—to learn that if time thought I was ready for more than what is right in front of me, I would have it. Embracing this fact has totally altered how I choose to live my life for the better. (More on this in a bit.)
2.You’ve Got All That You Need to Handle the Present

A signature quote that I have posted as a signature in one of my email accounts is this—"You have everything you need, right now, at this very moment, to accomplish what YHVH wants you to do—right now, at this very moment." YHWH is "Yahweh" which is a Hebrew title for God. When you're a freelancer like I am, life can sometimes be mad unpredictable. There have been times when, without any warning at all, I have gone from being able to handle all of my bills to finding out that "my services are no longer needed" and immediately having to figure out what's next. Back when I tried to run ahead of time, it would totally freak me out. But as I worked more and more on only controlling what I could control while also realizing that even if my mind wanted me to imagine myself on the street and starving, neither of those things were happening in the moment, my anxiety subsided.
I still had my crib, the lights were still on, and food was in the fridge. The news that I got in the present was just alerting me to make a different kind of plan for my future. But in the now, I was fine. And, God willing, with the right plan in place, I would remain fine next week and the weeks to follow. Every time that way of thinking proved to be right. Did I always have what I wanted in the present? Nope. But what I needed was always provided—"For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." (Matthew 6:8—NKJV) Most times, that is exactly the case.
3.Living in the Moment Keeps Us Calm, Stable and Centered

Calm, stable and centered. Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of people realize just how powerful it is to live in this kind of energy space. When you're calm, you're free from disturbance. When you're stable, you're firm, steady and, as one of my favorite dictionary definitions puts it, "not wavering or changeable, as in character or purpose". When you're centered, you're able to do something that many human beings have yet to comprehend, let alone master—you can find balance between emotion and logic.
A couple of years ago, when I had one of the most devastating heartbreaks of my life, for a second time (long story, chile), as I was grieving it all out, I realized that a big part of what had me so shook was the fact that the life I thought I was going to have didn't appear to be panning out that way. You know what that means, right? It wasn't just that I loved someone who didn't love me the same way; it was that my feelings caused me to make all sorts of future plans rather than simply love in the moment. Looking back, I honestly was probably more disappointed in how I thought my future life was going to be more than anything else.
Fast forward to now and I love differently. I have standards and expectations, no doubt (we all should). But my emotions (what I want to happen) are not running so far ahead that logic (what is actually transpiring) is going by the wayside. And that? That has me in a state of tranquility that I've never really had before. And trust me, when you are approaching life and love from a calm, stable and centered head and heart space, nothing can touch you like it can when you're…not.
4.Living in the Moment also Encourages Gratitude

There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners." (Proverbs 1:19—NKJV) I know that a lot of people think of the word "greedy" from the perspective of folks wanting monetary gain but, personally, I believe that you can be greedy when it comes to how you process time too. Being greedy is about being eager. You're preoccupied with being married? Greedy. You're obsessed over your biological clock? Greedy. You can't seem to finish anything you start because you don't like waiting for its manifestation? That is also being greedy because, again, being greedy is about being eager and, when you're eager, you don't really know how to enjoy the moment you're in. As a direct result, you're focused more on getting than being grateful for what you already have.
If you hate being single so much, ask some of your married friends what they miss about living the single life. If all you can think about is becoming a mommy, check out articles on our site like "I Am A 27-Year-Old Struggling Mom & I Regret Having My Child" and "For The Women Racing To Have Children Before It's 'Too Late'", just so you can get a bit of a reality check. If your eagerness has you procrastinating or quitting projects, use this time to create shorter term goals on a weekly basis that you can complete so that you can actually get things done.
The more you remove eagerness from your life, the more space you'll have for gratitude to come in. Gratitude is about recognizing what you already have and giving thanks for it.
You know, a novelist by the name of Cynthia Ozick once said, "We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." It's pretty easy to take what you already have for granted…until you lose it. Maintaining a spirit of gratitude keeps this kind of reality check, ever in the forefront of our minds. That way, we're not so obsessed with wanting what we don't have that we're not thankful for what we do.
5.This Moment Will NEVER Come Again. Cherish It.

I get it. The moment that you might be in right now could very possibly suck in every imaginable way possible. But here's the thing about that—if you reflect on your past, there have been other times when you probably felt the same way (or very similar). But now that those moments have come and gone, if you're really honest with yourself, they probably strengthened you, matured you, or prepared you for something in the way that nothing else quite possibly could. Same goes for where you are in this moment.
My greatest disappointments in people taught me how to not treat others. My biggest financial blows taught me to respect my money and resources more. My greatest heartbreaks showed me how to love myself better. Bottom line, whether the moment you are in is good or not so good, if you choose to let it evolve you into an even greater person, it is something to cherish. In spite of whatever is happening right now, this moment will never come quite this way ever again. Take it in. Grow from it. One day, you'll look back and be glad that you did.
6.This “Dot” Is Connecting You to a Much Bigger Picture

Definitely one of my favorite quotes on the planet is the one by a pastor by the name of John Piper—"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of three of them." Yeah, I think that one of the hardest things for us to do is accept that whatever is happening (or not happening) today, this week or even this year is simply a "dot" or a part of the puzzle piece to a much greater picture. You may not to be able to fully comprehend why something is happening (or not happening) in this moment but it's important to remain humble enough to remember that you are not the only one who plays a role in your life story. Other people need to come in and out. Things need to transpire behind the scenes.
Timing needs to cause some things to come together and fall apart in order for the ultimate masterpiece to reveal itself.
So, no matter how you may be feeling about right now, try and keep your emotions in check. This moment is connected to something in your past and will also connect to something else in your future. If you're open to seeing things from this perspective, it will all make sense. One day.
7.Things Tend to Come to Us Once We’re Ready for Them

I kind of already touched on this, but I want to go a little deeper because, if you're someone who really struggles with living in the moment, I think grasping this final point can help you to do it better. Whenever I'm talking to a single woman who desires to be married and she goes on and on about how "ready" she is, I tend to say something along the lines of, "So, you're 'completely prepared or in fit condition for immediate action or use'? How do you know that?" If there's one thing that, shoot, I'd say 95 percent of married folks will admit about marriage it's that, although some went in believing they were ready, they realized they had absolutely no clue what they were getting themselves into.
Personally, I think it's pretty arrogant to assume that you are "completely prepared" for marriage and so the hold-up must be your future spouse. And boy, to go into that kind of relationship without humility and self-awareness is only setting you up to have your ego knocked down a peg or two—or 20. When I wrote articles like "If Your Man Is Missing These Things, Wait Before Marrying Him" and "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him", by no means was I implying that we shouldn't look within to see where we stand on these points too. For instance, one thing that I desire in my husband is financial stability and responsibility but guess who is just now really getting her past taxes together? Now what do I look like demanding my partner be what I am not? That is the epitome of hypocrisy.
One of the best things about living in the moment is it gives you the opportunity to get ready for what is to come. Time is wise and loving enough to slow things down and gift us with the present so we can do so.
So, even if you do struggle with embracing the present, I hope all of these reasons have offered some insight into just how important it is to love where you are. The moment is here because you need it. When you don't, it will pass. Once time deems that you are ready for it.
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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“Late” is an interesting word. I say that because, based on the situation, being late can actually be subjective.
For instance, if you agree to show up somewhere at 11:30 a.m. and you pop in at 11:45 a.m., you are absolutely late. No wiggle room there. Yet when it comes to something like an apology? I mean, when you factor in a definition for late like “occurring, coming, or being after the usual or proper time” — how do you determine when the proper time should be? Is it supposed to be when you want to hear it, or when someone is ready to offer it and actually means the words behind it?
And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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