It's kinda crazy what inspired me to pitch and then pen this article. I was watching Usher's visual for "Bad Habits" while trying to figure out why a particular small area of my hair was thinner than it needed to be. I came to the conclusion that it was because I was manipulating it too much by always taking that particular cornrow down and braiding it up again. And that got me to thinking about so many of the bad natural hair habits that a lot of us have; ones that prevent us from getting the long-term hair results that we want.
If you're sick of your own tresses not flourishing as much as you would like, take a moment to see if any of these habits are ones that you definitely need to break.
1. Keeping Your Protective Style in Longer Than You Should
I don't know one naturalista who hasn't heard that one of the best ways to achieve length retention is by putting their hair up in a protective style. As I said a second ago, my hair is currently in cornrows (a personal favorite style of choice). I dig them because, not only do they keep me from having my hands in my tresses all of the time, but protective styles are also a great way to protect my ends as well (damaged ends are the main reason why most of us don't get the inches that we want). Still, too much of a good thing can easily work against you.
In this case, if you've got your hair in some braids or twists (via your natural hair), they really need to remain in there for no longer than a couple of weeks. Braids and twists with extensions, you're pushing it if you keep them in for longer than two months. The reason why is because your hair and scalp need to be thoroughly washed and to take a break from the stress that protective styles can cause if you've got them in for too long. One day, I'm gonna share how protective styles can actually be the reason why your hair isn't growing. For now, though, just don't keep them in for a billion years. It's the kind of bad habit that doesn't get discussed, nearly enough.
2. Using Too Many Damn Products in Your Hair
The beauty industry is a billion-dollar one and we as Black women play a HUGE role in why that is the case. That said, I know there are tons of products out here that make all sorts of promises. But you've gotta remember that companies are looking to make revenue. This means that if they've gotta lie to you and say they have a serum that will fix your split ends (nothing fixes split ends; you have to trim them), that is exactly what they will do.
Anyway, while I'm all about finding products that work best for your hair if you use a lot of them at the same time or you keep switching up, all that's gonna do is either weigh your hair down and clog up your hair follicles (not good) or end up damaging your hair because not all products are created equal and your hair shouldn't be treated as some guinea pig or science project. It typically takes about two months to figure out if something is really your jam on the product testing tip. Try a couple of things out at a time and stick to what works for you, even if it's only a few products. Less is more is always best when it comes to hair care.
3. Not Knowing Your Hair Type and Texture
Let me tell it, I think women struggle with knowing what their hair type is about as much as they struggle with figuring out their correct bra size. When it comes to hair type, the numbers run from 1-4. 1 is straight. 2 is wavy. 3 is curly and 4 is coily. Then there are letters that go with each number, ranging from A-C. A is fine. B is medium. C is coarse. As far as your "numbers" go, YouTubers like Angela C. Styles, IAMTRAEH, and LavishlyBritt all have videos that break hair types down pretty well. As far as your hair's texture, a cool figuring-it-out hack is to take a piece of thread and lay it on a flat surface. Then place a strand of your own hair beside it. If your hair appears thinner than the thread, your hair is fine. If it's the same size, your hair is medium. If it's bigger, it's coarser.
Having this information is essential because it can help you to better understand how to properly care for your hair, what products work best, and ultimately how to keep it thriving. For some tips on all of these things, go to YouTube and put your hair type and texture, along with "natural hair" in the search field and you will see literal days' worth of videos pop up so that you can get to know your hair, even better.
4. Using the “Wrong” Styling Tools for Your Natural Hair
A lot of stylists will tell you that using your hands to detangle and style your hair as much as possible is oftentimes a good look because you can be gentler with your locks than you can with styling tools. But when it comes to the things that you absolutely do need, make sure you've got—a wide-tooth comb; some plastic hair clips (the metal ones tend to snag and tear); a Denman brush; a hair steamer (to lock in moisture); a microfiber towel (it's easier on your hair during wash days) and a blow dryer for your hair type (Red by Kiss Blow Dryer gets a lot of praise if you're a 4-type).
While this is a basic list, the main thing to keep in mind is a lot of metal, a ton of heat or anything that will cause your hair to snag and tear are absolutely no-nos. You really don't need a ton of styling tools; just things that will make getting the results that you want as easy as possible without creating any drama in the process on those pretty tresses of yours.
5. Mishandling Wet Hair During Wash Days
Your hair is definitely the most fragile when it's wet. That's why it's best to detangle your tresses with your fingers as much as possible, to deep condition after shampooing so that your hair is more manageable, and to apply a product that has some "slip" to it when you're using a detangling comb or you're doing something like braiding or twisting your hair for a braid out or twist out. Otherwise, you could end up ripping some of your hair out or weakening the cuticles during the styling process. As far as slip goes, if you'd like a little help figuring out which product would work best, Naturally Curly gave some slip awards to a few. You can check them out here.
6. Trimming Your Hair More than Dusting
One of the reasons why I stopped going to see a professional stylist was because far too many of them don't seem to know the difference between dusting and trimming. Hmph. I've always wondered if a lot of stylists have a secret vendetta against their clients gaining inches because I don't always need a bob— thank you, very much. Whew. Plus, as I've learned more about what does and doesn't work for my hair, I've become a big fan of dusting. Dusting is about getting rid of the raggedy or split ends that you may have without getting rid of 2-4 inches of hair in the process.
If you're nervous about attempting this, the main thing to keep in mind is you need a pair of sharp shears and a good amount of patience. Click here, here and here to watch some videos on how to dust.
Oh, and for any stylists that may have side-eyed me for what I said, I know there are some great ones out there and that some folks wouldn't be able to walk outta the house without one. At the same time, I believe a good one also isn't scissor happy. I'm thinking that we all can agree on that.
7. Having a Complex Relationship with Heat
Contrary to popular belief, I personally don't think that heat is the enemy; I think using heat the wrong way is, though. Back when I got on board with the whole "heat is the devil" movement, I actually experienced a lot more breakage than I do now that I blow my hair out every wash day and then leave it in a protective style (other than the weekends) until the next wash day. I believe it's because this method stretches out my hair so that there is less tangling and it also helps me to nurture my ends easier.
Anyway, that's not to say that huge mistakes aren't oftentimes made in this lane, mostly because people use the wrong kind of heating tools, apply them when they're too hot and/or use them too often. If you're in search of a good blow dryer for your natural hair, Byrdie recently published an article that features 12 (click here). After getting one, always make sure that your blow dryer is on low-to-medium heat and that you ONLY use it once your hair is about 60 percent dry on its own (the drier it is, the less you will be able to singe it). And try not to apply heat more than 2-5 times a month. More than that can definitely damage your hair and even alter your natural curl pattern.
8. Being High-Maintenance with Your Edges
Lawd, the internet. I'm pretty sure some of y'all saw the post of the young lady who mistook Gorilla Snot (which is already quite a beast when it comes to laying hair down) for Gorilla Glue. Well, at the time that I'm writing this, her hair literally hasn't moved in a month. Like…at all which resulted in her going to the ER (check her take on it here and a radio interview with her here). When I watched the video, the first thing that came to my mind is how obsessed a lot of us are with keeping our edges as laid as possible.
Listen, there's no time to get into how I believe that European culture has played a certain role in us having a preoccupation with baby hairs as grown women (goodness). For now, I'll just say that probably the most fragile parts of your hair are your edges and nape. So, constantly weakening your edges' hair follicles by always brushing them down, drying that part of your hair out with gels, and always applying pressure with braids, lace fronts and wigs are all surefire ways for your edges to either thin out or bald altogether.
If you must gel those babies down, make sure to use a non-alcohol gel (Allure published a feature on some of the best edge controls around; check it out here) and definitely give that area a break a few days a week. Sleek edges are cool, but you know what's even better? Having edges, period.
9. Jacking Up Your Wash ‘N Go
When it comes to low-manipulation hairstyles, wash 'n gos always top the list because you don't have to do a lot of styling and touching of your tresses in order to end up with a really cute look. That doesn't mean that too much of a good thing can't go awry though. The wrong products, tugging too much on your hair while it's wet and not knowing how to cultivate a bedtime routine that will result in you messing with your hair as little as possible the following morning all have to be factored in to make this a good idea for your natural hair texture.
If you want to make sure that this heat-free look goes off without a hitch—wash your hair with a sulfate-free shampoo; deep condition your locks; rinse your hair in cool water (it will keep your cuticles smooth); apply a curl cream (if you've got tighter coils) or add a carrier oil as a base to it (if you've got a looser curl texture) to set your curls, and keep your hands COMPLETELY out of your hair until your tresses dry (otherwise, you could end up with a significant amount of frizz). Wrap your hair up with a silk scarf or satin bonnet at night and refresh in the morning with a light leave-in conditioner. And try and let your wash 'n go be for about a week. Remember, low manipulation is always the key to stronger hair. You can get some other wash 'n go hacks by checking out this video, this video, this video, this video and this video.
10. Being Too Reliant on Your Wigs
Wigs can be dope; especially the kind that exists these days because I promise you that some, I can't even tell that they are wigs at all (like this line right here). Not only can wigs help you to avoid over-manipulating your hair, but they can also protect your tresses from outer elements, encourage your styling creativity without a lot of drama, and save you a ton of time when it comes to your morning routine.
Just remember that a wig is not your natural hair (no matter how much it may look or feel like it). If you've got a human hair well-secured, it can last for up to six weeks (if you take care of your natural hair that's underneath); just don't go beyond that. As far as sleeping in wigs, it really is best to remove them. If you opt not to, don't go more than a few days without doing so. Your hair and scalp need to breathe. Your edges need a bit of a break from the stress and tension of the wig too.
11. Not Taking a Multivitamin
There is plenty of data that says most of us don't get nearly enough nutrients from food alone. This is where multivitamins come in. They are a great way to supplement what you may be lacking which can result in everything from a strengthened immune system and healthier heart to more energy and beautiful hair, skin and nails. There are loads of vitamins on the market, so it's kind of hard to recommend a specific brand. You might want to look for one that specifically says "for hair, skin and nails" on it. Whatever you do, just make sure there are vitamins A, B12, C and E, iron, biotin and zinc in the product that you decide to go with. One that contains collagen is definitely a bonus. Oh, and if you opt for a liquid form, not only does it hit your system faster, it tends to be more potent too.
12. Stressing Out
If there is one thing that I have learned to become more and more intentional about, it's not letting any person, place, thing or idea stress me out. It's just not worth it. PERIOD. This includes when it comes to protecting my hair. Did you know that constant stress can throw off your cortisol levels and literally push your hair into a resting phase that can hinder it from growing? No joke. So, if you've got some job or man who is driving you up the wall and you're noticing some shedding or even thinning as far as your hair is concerned, don't tell yourself that it's all in your head. There is a very real chance that you are going bald due to anxiety. Release what's got you in that state. Your hair will thank you for it.
BONUS: STOP COMPARING
Iyanla Vanzant once said, "Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self." Out of all of the mistakes that we could possibly make when it comes to our hair, I promise you that the biggest one is comparing your tresses to someone else's. When God made you, he took out just as much time as he did on his other daughters. Don't insult him by acting like you somehow got a shorter end of the deal because, I can say from very personal experience, that once you get a real understanding of how your own hair works, you'll come to adore its individuality. You really will.
You'll wake up knowing that your hair is a gift, that there isn't one thing wrong with it, and that you are truly blessed. That your Creator made not one mistake. Amen? Amen.
Featured image by Giphy
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That
It’s no secret that I can’t stand fake orgasms. There are a billion reasons why — some of which I will get into in just a moment. For now, what I will say is, even if you can rationalize that faking orgasms will “get you out of” the sex that you may be having at the moment, when it comes to long-term satisfaction and benefits, how is faking it really going to get you anywhere? At least anywhere good — which is what you totally and absolutely deserve.
And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
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Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy