When it comes to my semi-sordid-somewhat-random sexual past, something that I'm pretty open about is, I had a pattern of sleeping with my male friends. What was that all about? Well, to this day, I've never had a one-night stand before and, I wasn't very quick to have sex with people either. For me, I needed more than just a physical attraction or even chemistry; there needed to be a true emotional connection of some sort—and that tended to manifest via my male friendships. Now, for a guy and I to get to a point of "showing each other our parts", clearly we were never truly platonic (check out "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally.")—yet, at the same time, there was enough of an attraction to wonder what it would be like to "take it there".
To tell you the truth, I'm still trying to figure out if that mindset was crazy or not. At the time, my rationale was, "I like him and I trust him. I don't really want anything super serious right now so, sex with a friend seems like the best of both worlds: the buddy and the booty." (That last part is a line that Queen Latifah said in the movie Brown Sugar). But when I tell you that sex, even so-called casual sex (also check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'"), changes the dynamic of a relationship—any kind of relationship—it is so true. Sometimes, it alters it in ways that you wouldn't quite expect. Take if you engage in sex with a friend, believing that it will be all good and then, when it's all said and done, it's bad. Shoot, worse than that.
Even if you both went in, not expecting to pledge your undying love for each other, less-than-stellar sex can still bruise egos and make things hella awkward (I'm saying that from personal experience). So, if it ever happens to happen to you, what can you do to preserve your friendship? These five questions can hopefully help to bring you some peace and your relationship, moving forward, with some clarity.
What Made It “Bad”?
Bad sex. If you're on this planet long enough (and you are sexually active while living on it), you'll experience some at some point. Thing is, the reasons can run the gamut. You may lack sexual compatibility. Someone may not be as "sexually knowledgeable" as they let on to be. What you fantasized in your mind may not be even close to the reality. Maybe your partner is selfish, boring or both. Like I said, the possibilities are pretty endless. But knowing what made the sex not so impressive is what can help you to figure out how to proceed.
Take one male friend who I had sex with. I always refer to him as my Cirque du Soleil-in-under-15-minutes experience because, I don't know what the brotha was trying to prove, but it was like he was trying to do everything possible in the time it takes to watch half of a sitcom. Before the sex, while I wasn't interested in being in a romantic relationship with him, I did find him to be fine as hell; so, I wanted to see if he was as good in bed as he looked (hey, I'm just being honest). He. Absolutely. Was. Not. Purely on the physical tip, the sex was so wack that it was almost comical. It was so bad, in fact, that there was no reason for us to fall out or anything. In fact, in hindsight, the end result is we became just friends. It was even hard to see him as fine anymore.
But if it had been bad because he mistreated me, lied about some other situations he had going on, gave me an STD, etc., etc.—well, I could see how that could produce an entirely different outcome. So yeah, if you are trying to figure out how to recover from a bad sex session with a friend, getting down to what made it so horrible in the first place is the first thing that I'd advise you to do. That, right there, can reveal…a lot.
What Was Your Motive for Doing It in the First Place?
An author by the name of Paul David Tripp once said, "We rarely do anything with one single motive." That really is so true. A motive is what causes us to act a certain way or it's the goal that we set to attain by saying or doing certain things. Keeping this in mind, a person's motive (or set of motives) tends to reveal quite a bit about them. That said, when you decided to sleep with your friend, what caused you to do it? What end game did you have in mind? If it all boiled down to curiosity, horniness or simply trying to "scratch and itch", for the most part, those reasons are pretty superficial and, like a surface cut or wound, you can "heal" from that pretty quickly. In time, the two of you might even be able to laugh about it (maybe). But if it even remotely had to do with some of the stuff that I said in the article "When He Just Wants To Be Friends, But You Want More...", that is another matter entirely.
One of the biggest gambles that comes with having sex with a friend, even if it is just so-called casual sex, is it still has the tendency to connect you to your partner on another level (after all, oxytocin doesn't know if you like, love or are in love with who you sleep with).
So, if you weren't honest with yourself before engaging with your friend, you could be lying to both of you about what your core motive was. On top of that, what made sex bad for you could be about more than just the physical. Maybe you were hoping it would start off casual but end up with him seeing you in another light. Or, maybe you thought that you would put it on him and it could become a steady thing, while he had more of a one-and-done mentality about everything. Yeah, a lot of us end up with our feelings hurt or being the peak of pissed because we weren't forthcoming about why we set out to do something. If you are "feeling some type of way" about the sex that you and your homie had, get back to the foundation before doing anything else. Ponder what your true motive was for taking things there.
Does He Feel the Same Way That You Do?
For this particular topic, I decided to hit up a good friend of mine in order to get the male perspective, since I happen to know that he's had quite a bit of experience when it comes to sleeping with female friends. As we were discussing a message I once heard about the fact that women deal in "wire" or string (everything tends to connect to everything else) while men deal in "boxes" (they tend to compartmentalize stuff), he shared with me that this fact actually applies to this scenario.
"When it comes to us, sex has to be really bad for it to totally suck. Like, for me, I would say that if it would be easier for me to get a nut by jacking off than having sex with someone…yeah, that means she's bad in bed. Otherwise, even if the sex isn't great, I probably won't even bring up that my mind wasn't blown. For me, it's more about if you are bringing drama to the friendship outside of the sex. Can I still talk to you about other women? Are you about to have unrealistic expectations? Are you trying to be more than friends on the sly? If we can still maintain our friendship, I'll be real with you—we can still be friends and probably have sex because guys don't look at sex as being 'good' or 'bad' so much as who is better or best."
Interesting. I asked a few other fellas I know to share their thoughts on this, and they basically nodded their heads in agreement. To me, what this all boils down to is, unless your male friend has been secretly crushin' on you, chances are, you don't have to worry about unimpressive casual sex with him ruining anything. That is, unless you choose for it to.
If It Was Truly “Casual”, What’s the Problem?
I'm pretty word particular. That's why, personally, I'm not a fan of the word "casual" being used in the context of relationships. Casual means without serious intention. Casual means careless. Casual means apathetic and unconcerned. Seems kind of weird that two friends—two true friends—would intentionally participate together in anything that falls in line with those definitions. But if you have, again, I get it. Because I didn't think all of this through super deeply at the time, I've been there.
And you know what? A part of what caused casual sex to ruffle some feathers in my friendly hook-ups is that I expected the sex to be casual but not the "aftercare" that followed. Meanwhile, my male friends were like, "If we're having sex with serious intention, why should I be penalized for not being super concerned if you didn't enjoy it as much as you expected to or if I'm exactly the same afterwards? We just friends, so what's with all of the 'extra'?" And, to a large degree, those guys would have a point.
If the two of you had sex one night and had some really bad sex, all with the understanding that it shouldn't have happened and neither of you want it to happen again, there really shouldn't be (too) much more energy put into it. But if something about the definitions of casual trigger you, when it comes to what went down between you and your friend, well, something tells me that it might not be as casual as you've been trying to let on. Something tells me that, even if you don't have serious feelings for your friend, you are looking for a little more interest and empathy on his part. And, if that is indeed the case…you should probably ask yourself "why?".
Do You (Still) Value the Friendship More than Anything Else?
Out of everything that we discussed in this, at the end of the day, what it all boils down to is what you value the most—holding onto a disappointing sexual experience or preserving your friendship. Now, if something about the sexual experience has caused you to question your value or self-worth, please get down to the root of that as soon as possible. No matter how unimpressive a sexual experience is, if it's with a friend, it still shouldn't affect or infect you in that way. But if it really just boils down to the bad sex making things weird and awkward, remember that this is your friend that we're talking about. Like my male friend said, chances are, it's eating at you far more than it is your male friend. Plus, he probably wants to get past it all so that you can get back to being just friends.
The main thing to keep in mind is that sex with a friend, whether it's good or bad sex, tends to alter things more times than not. And, many times, how it does that is unpredictable. If you're not prepared to deal with those odds, you might want to stay out of the bedroom. After all, there are so many other options out here. Why take this kind of risk with your male friend(s)? For real.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew There Was Such A Thing As "Bad Orgasms"?
When Your Sex Drives Aren't in Sync
These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom
Feature image by Giphy
RELATED
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert