While babymoons have existed for eons, they have grown incredibly popular in recent years! As someone with insufferable wanderlust, there was no doubt that a babymoon was something I wanted to do during my pregnancy, especially because it has always been my goal to maintain pre-mommy personality traits, qualities, and hobbies – before and after the baby is born.
Fortunately for me, and not to toot my own horn, pregnant me was already headed to France for a wedding so I simply decided to extend my trip and travel outside of Paris to conduct my pre-baby meditative vacation in the South of France (exact destination still TBD). Doing so eliminated a lot of the hassle of trying to figure out where to go for a babymoon and lowkey may be a good tip, you know? Double up! If you’re already going somewhere during your pregnancy, pick a babymoon destination nearby based on comfortability and doctor’s orders.
But it also reminds me to point out that there is a major difference between a vacation and a trip! The older you get, the more you realize this. Getting fucked up every day isn’t always the relaxation you crave and even worse when you’re tacking on jetlag. Personally, I find it hard to believe that anyone might return home feeling relaxed under those circumstances. Babymoons are a time to unwind before the baby comes because, while I hope it won’t be anyone’s last trip, it may damn sure be the last relaxing trip before so much of your planning caters to your growing family.
A handful of travel experts provided us with a nice list of destinations that might be perfect for your babymoon, but many of them also pointed out that a babymoon (with its purpose in mind) can be a staycation at a luxurious hotel or off in the cabins – it doesn’t have to be a pricey, passport-toting getaway. Below are 18 destinations that you might consider while mapping out your babymoon.
1. The Bahamas
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The Bahamas offers beautiful beaches, gorgeous resorts, and plenty of activities for expectant parents to enjoy. At Breezes Resort and Spa, you will be pampered with spa treatments and delicious food. The resort also has an array of activities including snorkeling, kayaking, and swimming with dolphins.
– Shawn Richards, Expedition Coordinator and Master Adventurer
Nassau, Paradise Island Bahamas is the perfect vacation for soon-to-be parents to relax and unwind before heading into parenthood. Paradise Island offers visitors an array of different experiences including an afternoon with the world-famous swimming pigs, a tour around the statues of the peaceful Versailles Gardens, or a visit to the National Art Gallery. Atlantis Paradise Island’s The Cove is an elegant hotel perfect for couples seeking a romantic babymoon.
Couples can also enjoy five miles of white sand beaches, tranquil azure waters and so many amenities including golf for the soon-to-be dad and a fun day shopping and self-care for the soon-to-be mom. For a relaxing day at the adults-only pool, couples can spend the day in a private cabana enjoying delicious mocktails and end the night dining at diverse culinary options including Fish by Chef José Andrés, Nobu by Nobu Matsuhisa, Olives by Todd English, and Casa D'Angelo by Chef Angelo Elia.
2. Chicago, IL
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You're not regular parents, you're cool parents, so why not go all out for your last night as a pair? Fly to Chicago and spend a night (or three) in Viceroy Chicago’s penthouse suite. You'll also enjoy a private yacht cruise on the Chicago River, a custom tasting menu at Somerset restaurant, and incredible sunset views from the Devereaux rooftop lounge. Babymoons are a great time to relax, unwind, eat (with two hands because you'll be holding a baby all day!) and pamper yourself.
– Matthew Bowley, Marketing Manager at Solmar Villas
A quick 1.5 - 2 hour drive southwest of Chicago, IL – we have a Babymoon Package that we offer, perfect for the significant other to surprise someone with or plan together. [The Kishauwau Cabins] are located just a 10-minute drive from the largest state park in Illinois, so there are lots of things to do in the area. [The cabins] are a small built-up family business that has been here for over 35 years. Our customers love how well-spaced our cabins are for privacy. We are out in the country, so it’s such a safe property and we get many single women that [travel] here. [Additionally], four of our cabins are dog-friendly.
–Terisa King, Owner of Kishauwau Cabins
3. St. Lucia
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St. Lucia offers a tropical paradise that has a little bit of everything — beaches, waterfalls, parks, and everything in between. If you are looking for an all-inclusive resort, there are a ton to choose from. Here you get to enjoy much-needed rest and take full advantage of the endless spas the resorts have to offer.
Babymoons can be taken anywhere, however, some general considerations that may be helpful before choosing a holiday destination for your babymoon may include avoiding areas with high altitudes or intense heat, being mindful of possible food and waterborne illnesses, and ensuring that there is adequate medical support available in case of an emergency.
– Becky Moore, Founder of Global Grasshopper
Arguably one of the most breathtakingly beautiful resorts in the Caribbean, Jade Mountain offers a relaxing getaway where moms-to-be (and expecting dads) can enjoy a babymoon surrounded by St. Luca’s stunning nature. With sanctuaries that feature uninterrupted views of the famed Pitons surrounded by striking blue waters, butler service, and en-suite private plunge pools, the resort offers an idyllic getaway for expecting parents to be pampered before the baby arrives.
Spend the day relaxing in a private beach hut with perks like mitered cooling spray, fruit kebabs and sorbed, unwind with en-suite yoga and meditations, and satisfy cravings at the resort’s onsite Chocolate Lab where a dedicated Chocolate Alchemist guides guests in making signature sweets, or learn the art of healthy vegan cooling at the resort’s organic, regenerative farm. The options are endless but one thing is for sure: you’ll leave feeling rested, refreshed, and ready for the next steps in your journey.
– Unknown
4. Iceland
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After visiting Iceland myself a couple of years ago I can fully understand the attraction to the country for a babymoon, the air is clean, the population is small and the wide-open spaces help you feel at one with nature. The Blue Lagoon is a must-visit, it is known for its geothermal waters, which are said to have healing properties. The setting is breathtaking as you are surrounded by mountains and black sand beaches. If it wasn't enough to float around supported by the wonderful warm waters you can also enjoy spa treatments and prenatal massages.
– Becky Moore, Founder of Global Grasshopper
5. Poconos, PA
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One of the best babymoon destinations is the Poconos. The Poconos offers a relaxing atmosphere to have an iconic view while picnicking on the lake, taking a walk in the beautiful downtown area, or taking a scenic drive through the mountains. You can skip the adventure and relax with nature before your little one arrives.
– Corritta, It’s a Family Thing
6. Virginia Beach, VA
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Virginia Beach would be an excellent option for one last hoorah before the beautiful new addition. The destination is easily accessible, home to 35 miles of beaches and for those couples who want to enjoy themselves but be mindful of expenses, Virginia Beach is an affordable getaway that still provides the pleasures of a true escape. The most unique package offered in the beach town is from The Barclay Cottage Bed & Breakfast in Virginia Beach.
Located near the oceanfront, the house features wraparound porches on both floors and was originally intended as a golf course clubhouse. Each guestroom features soothing, coastal decor with original hardwood floors, and most offer a private bath. Couples who choose the cottage's Babymoon Package are greeted with chocolate-dipped clementines and sparkling cider in their room plus a couple's massage (prenatal for her, Swedish for him) in the on-site Seagrass Massage Room during their stay.
– Francisco Perdomo
7. The Florida Keys
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The Florida Keys are also great for single moms – our resorts are in Islamorada, only 90 minutes from Miami and the MIA Airport so it’s an easy and safe destination to travel solo. It’s similar to a Caribbean destination without ever leaving the U.S. Moms-to-be can be as active as they’d like to be – relax poolside or get out on the water. Moms will wake up on the sunrise side of Islamorada.
Couples can enjoy an oceanfront pool, boat excursions, and daily activities from sunrise to sunset such as beachside yoga. We also have a large mocktail menu which is appreciated by mamas. Amara Cay Resort hosts babymoons on a weekly basis.
–Sarah Vining
8. San Juan Island, WA
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Need some time off before the baby arrives? Spend a memorable weekend at the Tucker House Inn & Harrison House Suites on magical San Juan Island. They’ll pamper the expectant parent(s), provide satiating food and relaxation with freshly baked house-made cookies, a sparkling non-alcoholic beverage, truffles waiting upon arrival, and a $50 voucher to tide-to-table Coho Restaurant for a candlelit dinner. A gourmet breakfast in bed every morning and a special prenatal massage for the mom-to-be at a local spa round out the indulgence. They’ll even satisfy the prenatal cravings of the new mama with ice cream made just for her! Where else can you do a babymoon and receive an orca whale onesie for your new arrival?
The San Juan Islands are a short floatplane ride from Seattle or an hour-long leisurely ferry ride from the mainland of Washington State. Consistently recognized as a top travel destination by TripAdvisor, Travel + Leisure, and Condé Nast Traveler for the last decade, the Islands offer nature and nurture--gentle hikes, sea kayaking, farm-to-table foods, and pampering spas await.
–Amy M. Nesler, Stewardship & Communications Manager
9. Niantic, Connecticut
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[This] is the most perfect place for any woman ready to take her babymoon. The Inn at Harbor Hill Marina Bed and Breakfast is a restored inn located in the marina district and has the most beautiful views you will ever see. It offers elegance, nostalgia, and relaxation to its guests. This place is fantastic because it's within walking distance of a lot of local shops and restaurants, so you can stroll along and enjoy the area. Best of all, this inn offers special packages to residents for anniversaries, simple getaways, or relaxation. It's also said that they offer packages specifically for babymoons! So don't be afraid to check it out!
– Suzanne Bucknam CEO, The Connecticut Explorer
10. Maui, Hawaii
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Maui is home to golden sand beaches, swimming, snorkeling, golfing, and consistently sunny skies, making it a perfect choice for a babymoon. Here, visitors can relax on famed Kaanapali Beach, take a light walking tour of Haleakala National Park and attend a showing of Old Lahaina Luau to learn and enjoy all that Hawaiian culture has to offer. Hyatt Regency Maui Resort and Spa is an ideal resort for a babymoon getaway as it stands out when it comes to relaxation. The hotel has recently completed the multimillion-dollar renovation of its 810 guestrooms and lobby and is the perfect place to unwind.
Soon-to-be-parents can enjoy a relaxing couples massage or feel an authentic sense of Hawaii with the Lomi Lomi Massage at the Marilyn Monroe Spa, the only oceanfront spa on Maui. The resort also hosts an award-winning Drums of the Pacific Lu’au. [Last but not least], it features six free-form pool areas, oceanfront cabanas, various dining destinations, and much more.
11. Palm Beach, Aruba
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Aruba, the happy island, is the perfect place for parents to enjoy an authentic Caribbean babymoon. Known for its year-round sunshine, Aruba boasts amazing weather with low humidity and refreshing east trade wind breezes. Aruba is easily accessible with daily flights arriving from across the country and has plenty of activities for couples to enjoy. Aruba is known for some of the most amazing beaches including Baby Beach, known for its shallow and calm waters it is the perfect place for soon-to-be parents to relax. The scenic coastline makes the perfect backdrop for couples to have a romantic day on a Monforte Luxury Cruise.
Located on 12 acres of luxe waterfront property, Hyatt Regency Aruba Resort Spa and Casino is the perfect place to stay on this vacation. The resort recently finished a multimillion-dollar renovation that includes the brand-new ZoiA Spa and Trankilo, an adults-only pool with 10 private cabanas where guests can receive spa treatments as well. Couples can enjoy treatments including Aruba Sun Rescue using local aloe to Island Breeze with a pineapple sugar scrub to Massage den Awa, a gentle form of body therapy performed in the Trankilo pool for deep relaxation that combines elements of massage, shiatsu, and muscle stretching.
12. St. Barths
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Hôtel Barrière Le Carl Gustaf opened in St. Barths in October 2020. The five-star resort exudes luxury, elegance, and French-style charm throughout its 21 luxurious rooms, suites, and bungalows, including a Penthouse Suite. Set amid tropical elegance that creates an ambiance of well-being, relaxation, and letting go, Le Carl is the perfect place for a babymoon. The Hotel Barrière Le Carl Gustaf is the only hotel on the island boasting panoramic views of the port of Gustavia, the island’s capital. Guests can enjoy the renowned Fouquet’s restaurant which has made the journey from Paris to offer guests the delicious and exciting cuisine created by three-star Michelin Chef Pierre Gagnaire.
The spa offers multi-sensory stimulation, bespoke holistic treatments, and tailored massages. They also offer a treatment called a Serenity Massage that is perfect for expectant mothers who are 4-8 months pregnant and relieves backache, lightens the legs, and improves skin elasticity. They offer pure and natural products from Biologique Recherche. The hotel is situated in close distance to other key attractions of the area including the idyllic Shell Beach and its superb Shellona restaurant; the lively port, with its tranquil alleyways and sophisticated boutiques; and the natural sea pools of Grand Fond and Petit-Cul de Sac.
13. West Hollywood, CA
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Andaz West Hollywood is perfect for soon-to-be parents who love music and film as it is Los Angeles’ iconic rock ‘n’ roll hotel located on the famous Sunset Strip in West Hollywood, California where musical history, celebrity, and style come together. Couples can enjoy spectacular views of the Hollywood Hills on one side and the Sunset Strip and Downtown Los Angeles on the other from the hotel’s rooftop pool, complete with a poolside bar and an array of cabanas to revel in. The pool is the highest rooftop pool in Los Angeles, making for a truly unforgettable getaway. The hotel also features the acclaimed Riot House Restaurant for a night of dining in West Hollywood.
14. Sanibel, FL
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As one of the prettiest beaches and state parks in Florida, Sanibel is the perfect weekend getaway for couples or single women alike. Sanibel is an ideal location for a babymoon because you can relax on the beach, take a nap on a hammock, lie by the pool or simply lay in your room and admire the Intracoastal views from your balcony. Or, if you want to shop around the town for the little one on the way, there are tons of quaint shops to explore.
Sanibel Harbor Resort is home to one of the best spas in Florida on Punta Rassa, a peninsula on San Carlos Bay. While staying at the hotel, you can enjoy a full menu of therapeutic treatments. Most importantly, they have a Prenatal Massage which is perfect for moms to be. This massage is custom designed to focus on the discomfort that happens during pregnancy.
– Nikki Webster, Brit on the Move15. The Great Smoky Mountains, NC
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The weather in this location is warm and pleasant depending on the time of year, making it ideal for relaxing. The Great Smoky Mountains are ideal for a babymoon because of the pleasant weather, numerous activities, breathtaking views, and soothing ambiance, as well as the fact that it is a budget-friendly trip.
– Jenny Ly
16. Florence, Italy
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Before the baby arrives, take that romantic trip to Italy you’ve always said you would. The picturesque capital of Italy’s Tuscany region is known for its culture, architecture, and fascinating history. Elevate your trip with a stay at Four Seasons Hotel Firenze, a five-star urban resort minutes from the Uffizi and the Duomo. Dine on the Arno River: A quiet dinner for two may soon be a thing of the past.
Don’t miss the opportunity to enjoy a memorable meal on the private fourth-floor terrace of the Ponte Vecchio – Florence’s signature bridge. The hotel enjoys exclusive access to the bridge’s only open-air terrace, where guests can indulge in a four-course meal designed by Michelin-starred chef Vito Mollica. (Available May through October.)
17. Scottsdale, AZ
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Scottsdale [offers] more spas per capita than any other U.S. city, Scottsdale is a logical destination for pregnant guests seeking R&R. Between massages, pedicures, and pampering, visitors can kick back at the Four Seasons Resort Scottsdale at Troon North, taking time to explore the golf course and area’s culinary scene. [They offer a] “Hello Baby” Package – with comforts from the luxury casita accommodations to the complimentary maternity pillow, moms-to-be are guaranteed to leave Scottsdale feeling rejuvenated. The resort’s special babymoon package includes a credit for poolside mocktails, maternity massage, or comfort food classics at the Proof restaurant.
– Gianni Lai
18. Cartagena, Colombia
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Colombia is much closer to the U.S. than most people think, the city of Cartagena, also known as “Cartagena de Indias” is located on the Caribbean Sea, in the northwestern part of the continent. Bringing together the charm of colonial architecture, fascinating cultural festivals, and lush landscapes, Cartagena de Indias brings together the perfect babymoon experience. Framed by its stunning bay, Cartagena de Indias is one of the most beautiful, well-preserved cities in the Americas.
Casa San Agustín [is a] luxurious small hotel restored and reimagined for a new generation of travelers, Casa San Agustín echoes Cartagena’s fresh contemporary style and colorful Caribbean sensibility. From original frescoes in the library to centuries-old wood-beamed ceilings in the guest rooms, Casa San Agustín’s art and architecture evoke the city’s rich history as a 17th-century Spanish stronghold. The hotel’s Aurum Spa offers traditional Hammam treatments for increased circulation, the release of tension, and nourishment for the skin.
– Pro ColombiaAnd this doesn’t even begin to cover all the destinations you might consider for your babymoon, as anywhere in the country could make for a great destination depending on what it is that you’re looking for. Additionally, where you choose to travel will depend on how far you are in your pregnancy.
Be sure to consult with your OB/GYN for any additional tips on how to travel safely during your pregnancy. Safe travels!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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