Not too long ago, someone asked me if there are things that particularly trigger me (that I have to work overtime not to show that they do) whenever I’m in a session with clients. Y’all, the list ain’t short (LOL); yet what tops it, hands down, is hurting individuals who try to justify the toxic parents they had, thinking that it’s “just how parents are,” when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Unfortunately, so many people grew up in a mentally, emotionally, and/or physically unhealthy environment that they don’t even realize just how dysfunctional it actually was…and that’s why many of them are repeating those same patterns with their own children.
How do I know that they don’t know? Take an article that I once read on Bored Panda’s site entitled, “50 People Are Sharing The Signs That Made Them Realize They Were Raised By Toxic Parents” as a stellar example. It provides live and in living color reminders that if you grew up with parents who couldn’t care less about your boundaries; treated you like you should be their on-call therapist (oversharing is toxic); kept you walking on eggshells; were controlling as literal hell; constantly played the victim (even when they were dead-ass wrong); would overreact when it came to damn near everything; competed with you; compared you to other people (including your very own friends); found some way to make everything be about them (lawd) and/or were energy or emotional vampires (and this list really is just a starting point) — yes, you had quite a bit of toxicity in your developmental space (especially if it happened on a consistent basis).
How to Avoid Being a Toxic Mom
Keeping these 10 things in mind, today, we’re gonna deal with toxic mothers. One reason is that, for a myriad of reasons that I can’t get into right now, we live in a culture that tends to want to give them a pass far more than toxic fathers — although they absolutely should not be. Because when it comes to feeling safe and respected by your parents, both as kids and once you become an adult, no one should get a gender pass.
Yet again, since moms so oftentimes do, I thought it would be important to address how to “break the curse” if you happen to have been a victim and now a survivor of a toxic mother — so that you can break the cycle…once and for all.
Break the Cycle: 6 Ways To Avoid Becoming the Toxic Mom You Had as a Child
1. What Are You Doing…Just Because Your Mama Did It That Way?
GiphyIs it just me or are you also noticing more videos where little children, who can barely even talk, are cussing folks straight out? SMDH. I recently watched one and the mom was in the background just a cackling away; it was borderline vile. Yeah, it’s another message for another time how folks are so obsessed these days with getting online attention/validation, that they will do literally anything — including humiliating their own kids (like that slap-eggs-onto-their-head “challenge”) or teaching them toxic behaviors.
And not to get too deep (because it’s an article all on its own) yet, the reason why most kids will subject themselves to those types of things is, aside from not knowing any better (because their parents are supposed to properly guide them), they want their parents’ validation and approval; that’s how we’re wired. And that’s why we have to be careful about what we teach our kids to do — and not do.
Because when they think certain things will make us happy, it creates patterns that create habits that they will carry well on into their adulthood…oftentimes without them even really thinking about if they actually should do those things or not.
So, take a moment to think about some of the things that you currently do that you know you got from your mother. Let me be more specific: think about things that you do that you’ve never even really stopped to consider if they are right or wrong, if they actually work for you and/or, if you do have kids, if they triggered you on some level when you were their age. Now ask yourself if you’re only doing them because that’s what you’re used to doing and nothing else (substantial).
Because as much as folks are out here talking about, “Well, that’s how my mama always did it,” a part of what comes with being a responsible and accountable adult, is you don’t say and do things because that’s all you know — you say and do things because they are what’s best and right for you and your family. Whether your mama did them or not.
2. Are You Ready to Draw Some Firm Lines in the Sand?
GiphyWhen I tell you that I’ve got some relatives and older adults, in general, who wouldn’t know a boundary if it kicked them…HARD? I mean, well into my 30s and 40s, they’ve acted like it was a personal mission of theirs to hear me state a limit and then see how quickly they could move past it. SMDH. For years, I would endure that nonsense because I also grew up in an environment that was full of spiritual narcissism and manipulation. What I mean by that is, they thought that so long as they found some snippet of a Scripture to justify their behavior, I should allow their words and actions to go on.
When you add that to the residual fear that I had of the possibilities of what could happen if I stood ten toes down on my nos, I would allow them to disrespect me. That is until I really took in the fact that they were literally…disrespecting me. And no, I don’t fall for the crap that you love me if you don’t know how to respect me in the process; that is actually gaslighting at its finest.
You don’t have to take my word for it either. Better Help once published an article on toxic mothers (that you can read here) that said that two ways to know that you had/have one is if she invalidates your feelings or disrespects your boundaries (whether as a child and/or as an adult) — which, at the end of the day, are basically one and the same. And really, why do you want to have an intimate relationship with anyone who intentionally disrespects you?
And before you try and defend her by saying something along the lines of, “I don’t think she knows that’s what she’s doing” (chile), here’s your way of confirming it: set some firm boundaries now. If she ignores them, is flippant about them, or tries to throw Scriptures at you to devalue them (like in order to honor her, you shouldn’t tell her “no”…which isn’t even remotely biblical) — guess what? She’s disrespecting you. And if you wouldn’t tolerate that from a partner or friend, how does your mother get a pass?
Not only that but, if you keep allowing the disrespect, what makes you think that it’s going to be easy for you to respect other people’s boundaries? And listen, I’m asking you that question from very up close and personal experience. It can’t be said enough that we oftentimes do what’s familiar not what’s right…so, if you want to be respectful of others, including your own children, you have to walk the talk — you have to require that others respect your boundaries so that you can learn how to respect the boundaries of those around you.
If you don’t, it’s easy to invalidate others’ feelings…even if it’s just because you end up (possibly inadvertently) taking your frustrations and feelings of suffocation out on them because you’re so sick and tired of your mother invalidating yours.
3. Do You Have Some “Healthy Mother” Mentors?
GiphyOne definition of a bitter person is someone who speaks in gross generalities. One man hurt them and suddenly all men are trash. One friend betrayed them and now they live on an internal island. Their mother was toxic and now they’re afraid to have kids because they assume that they will be just like her.
If this is something that you can personally relate to (especially that last point), something that can help to heal you in the generalities/bitterness department is to surround yourself with some mothers who are more like the mom you wish you had or are like the mom you’d like to be someday. If you don’t, you could “program” yourself into thinking that everyone is like your mother is/was and that simply isn’t the case. Or you could end up acting just like your mom in ways that you actually, well, loathe.
As my own journey goes, my maternal grandmother died in her early 50s and my paternal grandmother couldn’t have been more self-consumed and negative (my dad couldn’t stand her and…on some levels, feared her). Interestingly enough, I had some pretty cool great-grandparents yet I had to look for some older women — women who could be walking proof that some women do provide a “warm and cozy” feel and nurturing environment — to teach me how a grandmother is actually supposed to be.
What that did was keep me from expecting my grandmother (and my paternal grandfather’s wife who also was a real trip) from giving what they either couldn’t or didn’t want to (when it comes to toxic people, it’s usually a bit of both). It kept me from constantly feeling angry, resentful, and like life had full-on gypped me in the grandparenting department.
Is it fair that I had to go looking for emotional surrogates to do what my blood should’ve done all along? Eh, probably not. However, I have stories for days on how “love family” can heal you in the very areas where blood family has done a lot of damage — in ways that you would never dream of…if you’re just willing to do a little seeking and remain open in the process. So yeah, it’s totally worth it to seek out some healthy mom (or grandmom) mentors.
4. Have You Gone to Any Type of Therapy? If Not, Why Not?
GiphyThere’s a guy I know who, the more I hear about his childhood, the more confident I am that, not only would therapy help him, but he’s actually repeating certain patterns with his own children because he refuses to get some help. So many people think that so long as they pray and go to church, their childhood trauma will miraculously resolve itself — even though there are verses in the Bible like, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise” (Proverbs 12:15 — NKJV).
Y’all listen: since your mom was probably your greatest influencer and source of information while growing up, in order to break free from whatever dysfunction she handed down to you — shoot, in order to understand what actually was dysfunctional for you — it’s very wise to seek a professional who is trained to help you unpack and process it all.
Another example? I know some older women who are very verbally abusive with their grown children. It’s an occupational hazard for me to “coach folks,” even sometimes when they’re not paying me and so, most of them have told me that their own mother had a very sharp tongue that resulted in them having a sense of low self-worth.
When I ask them if they’ve connected the dots between that and how they speak to their own kids, they will usually say something along the lines of, “I’m not nearly as bad as she was” (umm, you don’t get to decide how you impact another person) and/or “God had delivered me” (umm, not if your kids are telling you that your mouth is off the chain). And when I then mention therapy as a way to make sure that they’re good, they act like I said that they should be institutionalized or something.
You don’t have the time and I don’t have the space to get into how unfortunate it is that so many people within our community have a very unhealthy perspective on therapy. What I will say is, as I’m currently in the process of getting certified to deal with trauma recovery (so that I can take my life coaching to another level), if you want a safe space to deal with your own issues in the area of having a toxic mother as well as be provided with skills to not repeat what you are a survivor of, therapy can help you to do that. It can give you a safe space to speak freely.
It can help you to identify your triggers. It can help you to create beneficial boundaries. It can give you coping skills if you “have to” continue dealing with those who caused you the trauma in the first place. It can also get you on the path of some real healing so that your own children don’t have to bear the brunt of your internalized pain.
I know some people who live by the motto of, “I heal myself” and/or “Church is all I need” — and to both resolves, what I will say is this: If you’re stuck in your pain or inflicting some part of that pain on others, you need to find some other methods of dealing. Therapy has proven benefits, should you decide to go that route.
5. Go into Your Own Form of “Witness Protection” If Need Be
GiphyFor years, my friends have teased me about the kind of boundaries that I have. It’s not uncommon for me to change my number often. I can count on less than five fingers how many people have my address. I don’t deal with a lot of people who deal with folks who have dishonored my boundaries in the past — especially if I have made them aware of that being the case.
In fact, when it comes to some of my own family members, I’ve had to release many people who associate with those same individuals because folks keep trying to “fix” what I have no desire to — and they end up violating my boundaries and wishes as they strive to make what they think is best for me more of a priority than what I have already told them I’ve decided to do. Yep, in many ways, removing yourself from toxicity can feel like you’re in your own version of a witness protection program — oh, but it is so well worth it.
Does this mean that going to this kind of extreme won’t cost you? I mean, it’s cost me. There are funerals I have missed. There are people’s emails I’ve ignored. There are places I don’t go to anymore because, if my violators aren’t there, somebody who is friends with them is trying to revictimize me by putting pressure on me to do more work to “fix things” than the person who actually caused the harm in the first place.
Yeah, one day we’ll have to get into what you should do about people who are close to the individuals who’ve harmed you because, oftentimes, they can do a helluva lot more damage than even your abuser did (by the way, enduring a toxic mother is a form of abuse; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise).
You know, one time, when I did an interview about how firm my boundaries are, the person asked me if I was running away from my demons (so to speak) and letting them win by being as private as I am. My response was, “No. Some of the places where I no longer go had a dark energy to begin with. Why keep being in environments where you have to defend or explain your pain to people who are hellbent on defending or explaining why you shouldn’t do what you need to do to heal and move on from it?”
I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the saying, “In order to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something that you’ve never done.” I agree. That’s why I recommend, taking some time to totally disconnect from your toxic mother — even if it’s just for a couple of months. When you’re able to get her voice out of your head, you can hear your own and that can help you to figure out what you need…not what she says that you need. Once you become an adult, she doesn’t get to make those kinds of calls. Once you become an adult, you don’t have to explain why to her either.
Case in point. There’s a life coach in my world who has a horrible relationship with her mother. For months, I made this very recommendation to her and she said that it was too extreme. One day, she hit me up to let me know that her mom went too far with something; in response, she told her that they needed to go a month without speaking. “Shellie, it’s like I can breathe again! That woman had me so on edge all of the time and I realized that it was nothing but fear that prevented me from doing that sooner. That and her always holding, ‘What if I die?’ over my head. She was killing me emotionally and now my husband and kids say that I’m so much easier to be around because she’s not consuming me all of the time.”
You can’t really expect a toxic parent to protect you; if they were able to do that, they probably wouldn’t be considered “toxic” in the first place. As a child, you probably didn’t have any power over your space. As an adult…now you do. And for the sake of yourself and those around you…you should take advantage of that.
This brings me to my final point for today.
6. Give Those Around You a Voice…About You
GiphyIf you were looking for my final tip to be that you should forgive your toxic mom, I’m hoping that goes without saying. Indeed, I’m a huge fan of forgiveness (which is why I wrote, “Are You A ‘Bad Forgiver’? Read This And See.”) because, I promise you, that when it comes to dealing with toxic people, while you’re thinking that weaponizing forgiveness is getting back at them, more times than not, they couldn’t care less (they’re too unwell to care). Forgiving them is about releasing the hold that they have on you.
Forgiving them is accepting that the past can’t be changed, no matter how much you wish it could. Forgiving them is about knowing what it can do to your physical, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being if you don’t (and it ain’t good — unforgivingness is so bad for you). And forgiving them is maturing yourself to a point where you can hear from others about places where you could stand to improve — so that you don’t end up becoming just like the source(s) of your pain.
Because here’s the thing: more times than not, your mother was/is toxic because her mom was as well…and quite possibly, the mom before that and the mom before that. And you know what? There’s a good chance that all of them said they wouldn’t do what was done to them when they have kids of their own.
Yet because they didn’t apply any of what I’ve already mentioned and because they didn’t humble themselves to hear where they could stand to personally improve…they just kept repeating the cycle and passing the drama and trauma down. And because everyone involved became some level of human wounds, everyone also became too sensitive to hear about the harm that they are causing others as a direct result. And now everyone and everything is a mess.
Here's the thing about that, though — if you’re indeed serious about not being the kind of mother that you had, there’s something you’ve got to do. You’ve got to be willing to listen to those who may tell you that your temper is short, that you are moody as hell, that you don’t seem to take correction well, that you don’t respect their boundaries or some other habit that would be filed under the definition of being “toxic.”
You’ve got to be willing to look into some dark places that your mother didn’t have the courage (or humility) to. You’ve got to be willing to be corrected by those who love you and want to see you win — because that is a part of the process too. Let those who care about you show you some areas where you could stand to grow and evolve. You won’t always like it; still, it can be a real game-changer and lifesaver, on so many levels; especially when it comes to your children (or future children).
____
Clearly, this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart (I mean, look at how long it is). And while this doesn’t cover all of the ground of how to not become the kind of toxic mother you had, I hope this article does 1) scratch the surface; 2) remind you that you are not alone and 3) give you some hope that you can end the cycle and become 10 times the mother that you had.
It’s not easy yet it is possible. There are too many women I know who are living proof.
Because they were willing to do the work. The kind of work that’s worth it.
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Featured image by Carlos Barquero/Getty Images
- Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members ›
- Here's How To Know If You've Got "Mama Issues" ›
- How I Learned To Create Boundaries With My Toxic Parent ›
- We’ve Said A Word About Toxic Fathers, But Who’s Talking About Toxic Mothers? ›
- You're Grown. Stop Letting Your Parents Treat You Like You're Not. ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Focusing On This One Word Can Be A Total Marriage Game-Changer
A few days ago, while watching a YouTube live, a guy got on to give a semi-rant about 1) why he doesn’t think that marriage is a partnership and 2) how he really wishes that people would stop using the word “partner” for that type of relational dynamic. Boy, oh boy, if there is one thing that I truly loathe about social media, it’s the fact that people have really gotten so caught up in how words are used by random folks on various platforms that they forget (or did they ever really even know?) what actual dictionary definitions are.
Take partner, for example. People who are engaged in the same activity are considered to be partners. Those who dance and/or play together are considered to be partners. Individuals who are engaged in a romantic relationship are considered to be partners. Folks who are on the same side are considered to be partners. And yes, another word for spouse is — wait for it — partner. So, what in the world is wrong with the word “partner” as it relates to marriage? According to the dictionary, absolutely nothing — and I’ll go with that resource over some bitter TikToker any day of the week.
Thankfully, not all of social media is lost when it comes to knowing the meaning and origin of words. Take one of my favorite platforms, Beleaf in Fatherhood, for instance. Although I have watched this Black family-friendly platform for a few years now, Glen’s post last month that was entitled, “Why I Left YouTube and Moved To A Farm,” reminded me that one of the things I enjoy so much about the channel is how “word intentional” everyone on there tends (or at least tries) to be.
This definitely includes when Glen also recently posted a video entitled, “She Has to Make Home Cooked Meals in the Hotel Room” — one that pretty much praised his wife for close to 12 minutes straight. In it, he said something that let me know that he knew exactly what he was saying — and why.
And y’all, if you’re someone who happens to be married, I think the same word could really breathe new life (and perspective) into your marriage as well. That is, if you allow it to.
Married Couples Aren’t Always Gonna Agree…And That Is Okay. Beneficial, Even.
GiphyAt the end of this article, I will post the second video that I just referred to, mostly because I think it’s a beautiful thing to watch for yourself. However, the main thing that Glen said that inspired this post is, as he was paying attention to all of the steps that his wife was taking to make not-just-any-ole’ pancakes for the family vs. what his method would probably be, he said, “Although we don’t agree, we are aligned.”
Listen. LISTEN. As someone who’s been working with married couples for two decades at this point, that got me right in the gut. Lawd, how I wish that more people would get that a healthy marriage doesn’t mean that you always have to AGREE (have the same views or emotions about things)…the goal should be to make sure that you always remain ALIGNED, though.
And why shouldn’t agreement be the main priority? To me, I look at agreement in a marriage a lot like I look at perfectionism for individuals — it’s simply unrealistic. Just because you selected someone to “do life with” or, as Scripture calls it (Genesis 2:24-25), “become one” with, that doesn’t mean that you and your spouse are identical — and that alone means that the two of you will not agree all of the time.
In fact, there is plenty of science out here that says that disagreements and conflict can be good for your personal and relational development because they can do the following things:
- Conflict can help you see things from another perspective
- Conflict can teach you how to become a better listener
- Conflict can show you where you need to brush up on your communication skills
- Conflict can help you to master controlling your emotions (and your tongue)
- Conflict can show you how to set and respect boundaries
- Conflict can reveal where you need to show humility (like when to apologize, for example)
- Conflict can help you to become a better problem solver
- Conflict can teach you the art of negotiation and compromise
- Conflict can show you how to see the bigger picture
- Conflict can reveal where you need to mature and evolve as a person
Yeah, anyone who thinks that a relationship should be conflict-free is not only someone who is living in a dream world; they also tend to be a great example of where I am coming from when I say, “Many people are not looking for a PARTNER; they are looking for an AUDIENCE.” Meaning, that they don’t want someone who is going to help them, sometimes through conflicts and disagreements, to become a better individual; they simply want a “yes” person who is going to go along with what they say all of the time. SMDH.
Okay, but what about another Scripture that asks, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 — NKJV)
Good question, and to that, I will say, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re considering getting married soon, you mostly definitely need to be in agreement when it comes to some core things like your value systems; how you see family; if you have similar goals and insights when it comes to finances; if you esteem marriage in the same way; boundaries that need to be set with each other and other people (including and sometimes especially family); how a household should be ran; if you see the future in a similar way and honestly, if you’re on similar pages about religion/faith (or at least can you live in harmony if your belief systems are different — check out “6 Things To Consider Before Getting Into An Interfaith Relationship”).
By ignoring how important it is to have similar views on matters as big as these, you can end up being in unnecessary conflict — and yes, as much as a home can start off in peace and with a sense of harmony, the better. After all, “until death parts us” is a really (REALLY) long time.
Beyond that, though, again, it’s okay to not always agree. The goal, instead, should be alignment.
Let’s explore the difference for a bit.
You Can Disagree in a Productive Way…When Your Ultimate Goal Is to Be ALIGNED
GiphyI wouldn’t be surprised at all if the only time when you actually hear about alignment is when folks are talking about the universe or planets (which basically means that they appear to bein a straight line). However, when it comes to what we are discussing today, when two people are aligned, alignment means “to bring into cooperation or agreement with a particular group, party, cause, etc.” In other words, being aligned doesn’t “just happen” — mutual effort is required.
That’s actually why I like the word so much because, literally, cooperate means “to work or act together or jointly for a common purpose or benefit.”
Yep, when married folks want a peaceful dynamic, they strive to cooperate with one another for the sake of a common purpose or benefit…even if there are some disagreements along the way. And, in order to do that, they have to remember how important it is to be aligned with one another — and then be willing to put in the necessary effort.
And how does that transpire? Well, here are some synonyms for align that particularly stand out to me:
1. Ally:
Allies “unite formally,” and boy, are there times when I wonder if my clients are allies or enemies. SMDH. When two individuals have both decided that, no matter what, they are going to stand as a united front, they really can get through just about anything. Period.
2. Troubleshoot:
How cool is it that “troubleshoot” is a synonym for align? I adore that because troubleshooting is all about discovering ways to eliminate problems or malfunctions — yes, even in a relationship. And here’s the thing about troubleshooting: oftentimes, you have to be willing to try several different approaches and methods, all the while BEING PATIENT until you find what works for the both of you or for the problem overall…even if that means following your spouse when you would prefer to do your own thing (follow is another synonym, by the way).
3. Adjust:
People who can make adjustments are people who are flexible; they are not so rigid in their way of thinking that they aren’t willing to shift in order to reach a common goal. So many people can’t make their marriage work or last due to this one necessary skill alone.
4. Accommodate:
One of my favorite definitions of accommodate is “to make suitable.” When you watch the video of Yvette making the pancakes for her family, because they are in a hotel in Mexico, she has to make some accommodations, i.e., make some adjustments, in order to get the job done. Would it be easier at home? Yes, yet the objective is to do her best with what she has. Mature individuals get that this should be the ultimate objective of marriage too. Be willing to make accommodations. Again, mutually so.
5. Sympathize:
“Sharing in the feelings” of your partner is what sympathizing is all about. Hmph. You’d be amazed by how much peace can come to a stressful situation if both people are simply willing to understand how the other individual feels about it — and then validate that emotion.
6. Mend:
“Mend” is such a bomb word for marriage. That’s because mending is about making things whole, repairing what’s been damaged, removing defects, making progress, and setting things right. I know far too many people who married conflict-makers instead of menders. Singles, if you are tiptoeing in on this, if you are not with someone who displays very clear “mending” characteristics — you need to totally reconsider the relationship. TRUST ME.
7. Improve:
I adore this word as well because Glen said that although he and Yvette may not always have the same views or emotions on things (agree) because they are aligned, they seek out how to improve matters and each other — and improve means “to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.” You know what this means? Sometimes, a disagreement, when done well, can actually make things better than before.
When mutual respect, patience, and a desire to make things even “more excellent” is what the husband and wife want, that is exactly what can happen.
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And all of this is why I say that if married couples are willing to apply the word “align” to their relationship, there can be so much more understanding, growth, and even love that can take place — because when you get that you don’t have to be the same, you just have to ultimately desire similar things for the relationship…you can be so much more effective in your approach.
So, if you’re ready for a healthier dynamic: GET INTO ALIGNMENT.
A game-changer, for the better, indeed.
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