Ask Ayana Iman is a bi-monthly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, certified life coach Ayana Iman drops some much-needed gems. Check out this newest segment below.
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Dear Ayana Iman: I have been in a relationship for the past three years. During this time, my partner struggled with drug abuse after his father's death. He also struggled with remaining faithful and has cheated. Out of anger, I have done so as well. Recently, we got into an argument over his abusive nature (drugs, alcohol, emotional and mental abuse) and I came clean about my cheating too. I'm so drained to the point I am numb.
I feel like I'm stuck in freeze. I want to take flight but I feel like my wings are clipped (financially, emotionally, no motivation). I want to fight but I can't because I don't have the energy or will. He wants to work it out and seek help with the drug abuse and I don't know what to do. He says since his dad passed I am his only reason to live and he needs me. We have known each other all of our lives. Financially, I am unable to leave and I do not have any friends to stay with. Please help.
This relationship is toxic. From what you've shared, you are displaying characteristics of codependency. While your boyfriend made the decision to abuse drugs and alcohol that impairs his decision-making, you chose to become the caregiver, impairing your own. I understand his father's death had a traumatic effect on your boyfriend's life and yours too. But, this form of abuse should not be tolerated any further.
The Mental Health America shared the following:
"The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When codependents place other people's health, welfare, and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self."
They then go on to explain what happens as a result of codependency:
"The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the 'benefactor.' As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from 'being needed.' When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it."
I won't even bother to ask how many attempts you've made to rescue him. His problems are far bigger than your abilities to fix them. He needs professional help, period.
While you have displayed a great deal of empathy, without boundaries, his emotions tend to overpower you, creating imbalance and tension. His emptiness has now become your own. Going off your words, "I feel like my wings are clipped (financially emotionally, no motivation)," has led you to believe in scarcity like you aren't capable of making a change.
Sis, I need you to know that there is hope. Find the strength to get up and fight to get your life back. You can no longer carry his burdens. I know it's tough, but you have to break up in order to reclaim your glory. There is favor upon your life. Do you believe that? I hope you'll at least try to imagine the woman you hope to become. Once you identify her, hold on tight; she is exactly what you need to carry you through this difficult transition.
The first step is admitting your unhappiness. Next, seek help from a trained professional. Before you say you can't afford it, state insurance covers mental health, apply today. This is something you have to do alone. The goal here is not to get back together. The codependent nature of your relationship will harm any progress made. Once you help yourself, the how will work itself out. How will I afford to live on my own? How will I move forward? And so on.
This process could start today if you allow it to. I really hope you do.
Do you have a question about love, life, career, wellness, etc. that you'd like for life coach Ayana to answer in a future Ask Ayana Iman segment? Submit your questions here for a chance to have your question answered! Click here for past Ask Ayana Iman posts to see if your question has already been answered or to read past stories/advice!
- How to Heal Codependency in Your Relationship - Blossom ›
- Are You Stuck In A Codependent Relationship? — Always Well Within ›
- How I Escaped The Prison Of My Codependent Marriage | HuffPost ... ›
- Do You Feel Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? | Psychology ... ›
- Are You Stuck in the Codependency Maze? - Live Well with Sharon ... ›
- Are You Trapped in an Unhappy Relationship? ›
- Problems of Codependents ›
- Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find And Live Who You ... ›
- Are You Stuck in a Codependent Relationship? | Codependency ... ›
- I'm stuck in a codependent relationship | Salon.com ›
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The show is exactly what you’d expect when you put a media pro and a sports legend together—a mix of real talk, unfiltered moments, and guest interviews that feel like family kickbacks. As the duo wraps up their first season, Rocsi sat down with xoNecole to talk about teaming up with Deion, the wildest moments on set, and why streaming platforms like Tubi are shaking up the talk show world.
Scoring the Gig & Clicking Instantly with Deion
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for Essence
Deion Sanders had been dreaming of hosting a talk show, and when Tubi came calling, it was only right he made it happen. But before he found the perfect co-host, he held auditions with different women for the spot.
Lucky for us, Rocsi threw her hat in the ring, and the connection was instant. “You just can’t buy chemistry like we have,” she tells us. “We are legit like big brother, little sister—fighting, cracking jokes, telling each other off. When you watch the show, it’s like watching family.”
Mixing News, Culture & Sports—Minus the Snooze
With We Got Time Today, Rocsi and Deion cover everything from the latest headlines to celebrity tea and, of course, sports. But instead of stiff, rehearsed segments, the show keeps it loose and unpredictable.
“We’re not breaking the mold—it’s not rocket science,” Rocsi jokes. “We just bring our own flair, our authenticity, and our personalities to it. Deion has firsthand experience in sports, so when we talk about athletes, he brings a different perspective.”
And the best part? Unlike traditional talk shows that rush through quick interviews, We Got Time Today actually takes its time. “A lot of shows might give you one or two segments with a guest,” Rocsi says. “With us, we actually sit down and have real-life conversations.”
Her Top Guests (So Far!)
From music icons to relationship experts, the show has already had some unforgettable guests—but a few stand out for Rocsi.
“Ice Cube was our first guest, and he’s just legendary,” she says. “Kirk Franklin had us cracking up when he broke into a full choir freestyle for our Christmas special. And anytime we get Dr. Bryant on to put Deion in the hot seat? That’s my favorite!”
And of course, there’s Nick Cannon. “Nick was amazing,” she adds. “You already know he’s going to bring the energy and say something wild.”
Tag-Team Hosting with Deion: The Inside Scoop
While Deion Sanders is best known for his football greatness, Rocsi says he’s also one of the funniest people she’s ever worked with.
“He’s goofy—like, really goofy,” she laughs. “A lot of people didn’t know that side of him, but now they do. He can crack a joke, and if you’re too sensitive, good luck, because he will go in. But the best part? I throw it right back at him! Sometimes we just look at each other like, ‘Okay, that was a good one.’”
But beyond the laughs, she admires his insane work ethic. “Watching him juggle everything he does is just super admirable,” she says.
How "We Got Time Today" Brings That "106 & Park" Energy
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For those wondering if We Got Time Today feels like 106 & Park 2.0, Rocsi says it’s a whole different vibe.
“The only comparison I’d make is that it’s a destination for the culture,” she explains. “It’s a platform where our people can come, feel safe, and have real conversations. But other than that, this is Deion’s world—we’re just having fun in it.”
The Talk Show Shake-Up: Why This Show Hits Different
Unlike traditional networks, We Got Time Today lives exclusively on Tubi, proving that streaming platforms are changing how we watch talk shows.
“Tubi is giving more people opportunities and making content more accessible,” Rocsi says. “Deion is a huge Tubi fan—he literally loves Black cinema—so it just made sense for him. And honestly? He’s got me watching it too!”
Real Ones Only: Women Holding Each Other Down
Rocsi credits her best friend, Chantelle, for always keeping her grounded. “She kept pouring into me, reminding me of who I am,” she shares. Even Deion Sanders makes sure to give her flowers, often calling her “the hostess with the most.”
In the industry, she’s built lasting bonds with women like Julissa Bermundez, Angie Martinez, and Angela Yee. “Julissa and I still kick it—her house is basically Sephora, so I just shop there,” she jokes. She also cherishes her friendships with Melyssa Ford and Robin Roberts, who have offered unwavering support. “Robin has always been there for me,” Rocsi says, reflecting on the wisdom she’s gained from the legendary journalist.
With the show’s first season wrapping up, Rocsi is grateful for the experience and excited for what’s next. “We’re having a good time, and the audience can feel that,” she says.
And if you haven’t tuned in yet? Well, Rocsi and Deion got time—so you might as well make some too.
Catch We Got Time Today now streaming on Tubi!
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And while we’re here, if you’ve heard that the chemical aluminum (which is found in antiperspirants only; folks just tend to use deodorant and antiperspirant interchangeably which is actually what I’m about to do, moving forward) can lead to breast cancer, here’s the thing. Although many researchers have said that there isn’t enough evidence to back that up, elevated amounts of it can lead to weakened bones or even an Alzheimer’s disease diagnosis — so, just to be on the safe side, if you want to go with a commercialized brand of antiperspirant or deodorant, an aluminum-free one would probably be your best bet.
And what if you want to forego the stores altogether and try something that is as natural as possible? Well, if your main focus is to reduce the smell, make sure that your armpits are clean, that there is as little hair there as possible (hair traps sweat and odor), and that you wear clothing that allows your pits to breathe (oh, and watch your stress levels too).
Beyond that, you can try the following 10 deodorant alternatives that are pretty effective — especially when it comes to eliminating that “onion” stank that none of us want to deal with…ever.
1. Witch Hazel
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Something that I will forever-and-a-day sing the praises of is witch hazel — more than anything because, for all of the benefits that it provides, it continues to be pretty inexpensive. Skin-wise, you can use witch hazel as a skin toner; a way to reduce the inflammation of your pimples; as something that helps to reduce the irritation that is associated with bug bites; an all-natural remedy that helps to protect your skin from outdoor pollution; something that works to soothe an irritated scalp or symptoms that are directly associated with psoriasis and eczema — the list goes on and on.
The reason why it works as an effective deodorant alternative is due to the fact that witch hazel contains astringent properties that can help to reduce the size of the pores that you sweat out of as well as decrease the bacteria that causes the odor that’s within your pits. If you’d like to create a witch hazel spray for your underarms, there’s a cool recipe here.
2. Coconut Oil and Baking Soda
It’s kind of wild, how many acids are in coconut oil. For starters, there’s caprylic acid (which contains antibacterial and antifungal properties); lauric acid (which has anti-inflammatory properties); oleic acid (which deeply moisturizes); linoleic acid (which strengthens your skin’s barrier), and capric acid (which works to smooth and soften your skin). All of these acids work together to soothe dry skin, unclog pores, and reduce skin inflammation.
As far as baking soda goes, the properties in it helps to exfoliate your skin; it works as a spot treatment for pimples; it can soothe your skin after you finish shaving it; it can help to cleanse and soften your nail cuticles, and if you’ve got psoriasis and you soak in a baking soda bath, it can bring relief to those symptoms as well.
This combo is a winner as far as deodorant alternatives go. Coconut oil can kill the bacteria that cause the odor while baking soda can help to absorb the sweat; plus, its antimicrobial properties can reduce some of the odor too.
3. Apple Cider Vinegar
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There are all kinds of things that apple cider vinegar is able to do; however, when it comes to your skin, specifically, you should consider using it because it’s able to deeply clean and exfoliate your skin; tone and hydrate your skin; kill bacteria that leads to pimples; lightens the appearance of hyperpigmentation that comes from breakouts, and it can help to balance the pH balance of your skin.
Since the vinegar that’s in it contains pathogens that kill bacteria, that’s why apple cider vinegar could help to get rid of the body odor that’s underneath your arms. For the record, it’s also a potent ingredient if you want to detox your pits which is a wise thing to do from time to time (check out “When's The Last Time You Detoxed Your Armpits?”).
4. Dusting Powder
Several years ago, Allure published an article entitled, “Switching to Natural Powder Deodorant Stopped My Underarm Rashes.” It wasn’t until then that I knew that dusting powders even existed. These can be a smart deodorant alternative, simply because they are designed to reduce moisture and odor without the use of harsh chemicals or the possibility of being damaging to your skin. A brand that gets pretty rave reviews is Herb & Root. You can look more into why by going here.
5. Essential Oil Blend
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Some of y’all already know that every chance I get, I’m going to shout out essential oils (check out “You'd Be Amazed How Much These 10 Essential Oils Can Give You Some Blissful Sleep,” “10 Essential Oils That Are Great For Feminine Hygiene (And A Few Other Things),” “10 Essential Oil Beauty Hacks I Bet You Didn't Know About,” and “6 Different Places To Apply Essential Oils. And Why.”).
They are bomb when it comes to this topic because the powerful antibacterial and antifungal qualities in many of the oils will not only help to fight the bacteria that cause underarm odor, but the scent of many of them is divine as well. Some to apply (along with a carrier oil like grapeseed or almond, so that the strength of the oil doesn’t irritate your skin) that will get the job done include lavender, clove, lemongrass, cinnamon, orange, patchouli, and peppermint.
6. Cornstarch
As someone who has a fungal sensitivity and has also been blessed with some H-cups (I mean…), I’ve had a few pretty nasty yeast infections underneath my breasts before (check out “What To Do For Yeast Infections (On Other Parts Of Your Body)”) — and something that has helped to heal them is cornstarch from the aspect of absorbing the moisture that yeast likes to thrive in. Cornstarch can benefit you in other beauty-related ways including being able to use it as a dry shampoo, a gentle exfoliant, or as a way to instantly turn your lipstick from glossy to matte.
And yes, cornstarch makes the deodorant alternative list because of how well it is able to absorb moisture. Plus, if you add coconut oil and an essential oil to the mix — you’ve got a DIY deodorant that should last you for hours on end.
7. Aloe Vera
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Aloe vera is a plant that benefits your skin in a ton of different ways. It’s high in hydration. It helps to increase collagen production in your skin. It helps to reduce breakouts. It soothes the itchiness and dryness of your scalp. It decreases skin inflammation (like the kind that is associated with eczema and psoriasis). It speeds up the healing process of minor skin issues. It even helps to fade stretch marks.
If you’ve got a plant in your house (or some 100 percent pure Aloe vera gel lying around), cut off a piece and rub it directly underneath your pits. The antibacterial and antiseptic properties in the plant will prevent odor while keeping your pits feeling soft and smooth in the process.
8. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a type of alpha-hydroxy acid that, skin-wise, is able to do everything from minimize the appearance of your pores, exfoliate dead skin cells, and unclog pores to even out skin tone, protect skin from damaging UV rays and reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. I’ve used it in some of my chemical peels before (check out “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.”) and yes, it is the truth.
As far as applying it as a deodorant alternative, glycolic acid gets a bit of mixed reviews. While some skin specialists say that its antibacterial properties aren’t strong enough to fight the kind of body odor that transpires underneath your underarms (here), others say that so long as your skin isn’t super sensitive, glycolic acid has the ability to decrease odor — well, if you don’t mix it with other products (here).
That’s because, doing so, could alter the pH balance of the skin that’s under your arms in a way that actually amplifies your body odor. Otherwise, glycolic acid alone can actually lower your pH balance in a way that makes odor less of an issue. Hey, it’s worth a shot.
9. Rubbing Alcohol
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Because alcohol is so drying, it’s not really something that you should apply to your skin on a consistent basis; that’s probably why it’s used more as a cleaner and disinfectant for tasks around the house than anything else. That’s not to say that it can’t help you out if you happen to be in a bind as far as your underarms are concerned, though.
Since it is such a potent astringent, rubbing alcohol is something else that can (temporarily) make your pores smaller and reduce the bacteria in your pits. Just make sure that you don’t use it right after shaving unless you want your skin to STING sting.
10. All-Natural Deodorant
And then there’s all-natural deodorant which is simply a deodorant that doesn’t contain harsh chemicals like talc, aluminum, parabens, phthalates, and fragrance. And although, again, the American Cancer Society still maintains that there is not enough scientific evidence to link breast cancer with antiperspirants or deodorants, if you want to be on the safer side, chemical-free deodorants are the way to go.
If you’d like to see some options that you are able to choose from, check out Allure’s “15 Best Natural Deodorants That Actually Work,” Byrdie’s “The 10 Best Natural Deodorants I Tested That Truly Keep Odor in Check” and Independent’s “18 best natural deodorants that are kinder to your skin.”
BONUS: Hand Sanitizer
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If you’re really in a jam, believe it or not, something that can help you out is hand sanitizer. Since it’s loaded with alcohol and is literally designed to kill bacteria on contact, that’s why you can trust it to work if you happened to run out of the house without putting deodorant on — or you forget to apply one of these deodorant alternatives.
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Onions. When it comes to smelling like them, now you know what you can do that is safe, holistically beneficial (as far as your skin is concerned), and will get you through those rough days. I mean, at the very least, keep some sanitizer in your purse.
Life comes at you fast. Always be prepared. Pits ‘n all, chile. Pits. And. All.
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