
Are You An Emotionally & Relationally Safe Person To Be Around? 6 Ways To Know.

If there is a book that I will forever recommend to folks when it comes to relationships (professional or personal, platonic or romantic), it'sSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. When you grow up around people who aren't very safe — mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, relationally, spiritually…chile, you name it — and if you're trying to break the generational curse of all of that mess, you come to find the word "safe" to be one of your favorite ones and biggest aspirations.
I adore everything about safe. Safe means "secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk". Some synonyms for safe include healthy, sound, whole, careful, discreet, considerate, vigilant, forethoughtful (I really like that one), genuine and trustworthy. I must admit that, for years, due to a lot of what happened in my childhood and adolescence and then the PTSD that followed, when it comes to some of the words that I just shared, I wasn't the safest person either — safe to myself or for others. These days, though? Baby, I am hypervigilant about being a safe space and not allowing anyone into my personal sphere who isn't one as well.
Thing is, so many of us are around toxic people (check out "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members", "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" and "Estranged From A Family Member? Let That Guilt Go.") so much that we don't even pause to think about 1) what it means to engage safe people and, more importantly, what it means to actually be a safe individual. Let's especially unpack that second part today, shall we? If a goal in your own life is to have people define you when you die as, not being perfect (that is unrealistic as all get out) but safe, here are six clear signs that you are indeed, just that.
1. Words Like “Manipulative”, “Controlling” and/or “Triggering” Aren’t Used to Describe You
Lawd. Some people are so manipulative that they don't even recognize it. Why? Because they manipulate themselves more than they do anyone else. What are some of the signs of a manipulative person? They gaslight. They have "selective memory" (don't remember what they do wrong but remember everything you don't do right) in order to achieve their goals and stratagems. They like to use guilt to get you to do things you don't want to do. They look for loopholes when it comes to your boundaries and limits. They play the victim as a way to deflect from responsibility. They apply pressure to get things to go their way. They flatter a lot, only in order to butter you up (even the Bible rolls its eyes on flattery; look it up sometime). They try everything in their power to make you feel insecure or second-guess yourself. They hold grudges and/or give the silent treatment. And why do they do this? In order to gain some sense of control over you.
And what do controlling people look and live like? They aggressively violate your boundaries. They constantly criticize (even if it's backhanded compliments). They are moody as all get out (because they like for people to walk on eggshells around them). They keep tabs on everything (what you did and didn't do). They are intimidating (on purpose). They are hypercritical. They are constantly stirring up drama (online, off or both). They take control of all conversations so that you feel as if you don't have a voice. They're nosey and don't honor privacy (and feel justified in being that way). They're territorial. And these kinds of people are oftentimes triggering…by design…because they want to be.
So, here's the thing about triggers. Folks' triggers are not other people's fault. In fact, I'll be the first to say that once you recognize that you have a trigger, it is your responsibility to get to the root of what that trigger is so that you can process, heal and deactivate it as much as possible (check out "How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You"). However, an unsafe person will either make it their mission to find your triggers, stomp on them as much as possible and then say you're overreacting when you respond to what they are doing or they will keep testing your "trigger areas" to see if they still work.
In short, manipulative, controlling and triggering people do not provide a space for peace or even a way for you to relax. And when it comes to being a safe person, folks should see you as a place to be able to do both.
2. People’s Secrets Are Well Kept
Let me give you a heads up that if you've got to say, what I'm about to say, before telling someone something, you shouldn't tell them at all — "Promise me you won't say anything." What in the world? While I will say that some of us are way more open than others (me, for instance) and so sometimes getting clarity on how on-the-low what you've been told may need to be, what I am speaking of is something that anyone with a lick of common sense knows should be kept to themselves. A safe person will never need to heads up on keeping the information close.
Case in point. I've got a friend who is damn near hilarious when it comes to how well she can keep a secret or just intel, in general. It's to the point where, if I just spoke with her mom or her daughter and I call her and ask her where they are headed for the day because I need something from them, she will usually say something along the lines of, "Call them back and ask." To me, it's not that big of a deal (lawd) while, to her, her motto is, "What folks want you to know, they will tell you." Because she's such a vault in this way, I can also rest easy that whatever I tell her, it will stay with her. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever told her anything while feeling the need to put some sort of "keep it hush" tag on it. And we've been pretty tight for about 20 years now (in part, because of that).
Anyway, when it comes to the topic of keeping things a secret, oftentimes we associate that with being sneaky or something. Yet it's important to remember that honoring someone's secrets is really just about keeping information confidential. Another definition that I really like when it comes to the word "secret" is "kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged". That's dope because it's a reminder that, when someone shares with you private and personal information, that is not a "right" but a privilege. You should feel privileged when people tell you things that they don't want other people to know.
While we're here, another indicator of a safe person, on the secret tip, is even if a relationship shifts, the secrets still remain safe. This goes for divorced couples. This goes for broken friendships. This goes for ended work dynamics. Safe people don't "switch up" just because a connection does. If you agreed that something remains solely between you and another person, it honestly needs to remain that way. Period. If you want to be considered a safe person, anyway.
3. You Are Consistent in Your Character
People of strong character are generally people who are safe to be around. And just what does it mean to have good character? Are you accountable? Are you reliable? Do you keep your word, no matter what? Are you honest? Are you loyal? Do you operate from a place of unwavering integrity? Do you have a sense of compassion? Are you respectful? Do you see humility as something that is a desirable trait? Are you consistent with your words and actions (lawd!)? Do you know how to be patient? Can you forgive? Do you love well? I know, a tall order, right?
While being a person of great character isn't easy, the point with this one is it's something that you actually strive to do. Hmph. You'd be amazed how many people don't do things like hold themselves accountable (instead, they want to blame everyone and everything else for their choices and outcomes); forgive (as if they are without flaw and don't need it); humble themselves (and admit when they're wrong); do what they say they are going to do; tell the truth (no matter what), or respect people's boundaries.
Character, as it relates to safety, simply means that you're someone who others know come from a solid and honorable place. Yes, you may mess up and disappoint from time to time yet it's not a constant thing and when you apologize and own your mess, they know that you will do your best to not repeat the same mistake — or bad choice — twice (and definitely not redundantly). For all of these reasons, it's hard to separate words like "character" and "safe".
4. You Allow Others to Be Themselves
This one is a good one. Before I get deep into this, let me put up the disclaimer that someone allowing you to "be yourself" doesn't mean that they sit around and let you be reckless AF. A part of what comes with being in relationships with other people is trusting them to hold you accountable which includes telling you things that you may not want to hear. Indeed, some folks are so busy "not judging" that their loved ones are destroying the quality of their lives — and that is unfortunate.
No, what I mean by this is, the quote that I oftentimes use — "If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary." An auto racer by the name of Larry Dixon once said that. An unsafe person is so insecure that they think their job is to make other people look, think and act like them, so that they can feel better about themselves. On the other hand, a safe person doesn't need "groupie clones" because 1) they are uber confident in their own individuality and 2) they like seeing others as unique and as avenues to learn and experience new and different things.
I can't tell you how many times that I've sat in a session with a married couple and rolled my eyes (sometimes inwardly, sometimes outwardly), all because it was abundantly clear that one partner was unsafe as all get out because they spent more time trying to change their partner to be more like them than celebrate the rareness and originality that their spouse brought to the table.
When people can be their authentic self around you, that is a beautiful thing. It also is such an indication of being a safe person. How safe are you?
5. You Don’t Weaponize Your Love
A motto that I made up years ago that I try my hardest to live by is "love is a gift, not a bribe". What that means is, while if two people agree to be in a relationship, what should automatically come with that is some form of reciprocity, you still don't use love as a way to get what you want from other people. Gifts are given voluntarily without strings. Bribes always have some sort of an agenda.
Remember how I mentioned some of the PTSD that I had to heal from (and I still have to stay on top of, if I'm gonna keep it one hundred), some of the other fallout that happened to me as the result of toxic people in my growing up experience is I saw that being loved meant that I had to meet certain expectations or even tolerate patterns of abuse. And so, I used to love people in the same way. If someone feels like you are going to constantly keep tabs on them, how can they ever be at ease in your presence? Also, if you're going to keep moving the goalpost on your expectations and needs or you are going to put forth the kind of energy that makes them feel as if they will never measure up in your eyes, there is not a damn thing that is even remotely safe about that.
Something that really fascinates me about love is people attempt to weaponize it all of the time which means they don't really grasp its purpose at all. Loving someone is the most selfless and agenda-less thing that you can do. This means that if you are anything different from what I just said, you're doing love wrong — you're using it to do more harm than good and it doesn't get much more unsafe than that.
6. You Are Not a Hypocrite
One more. If you're the kind of person who expects people to do and be what you can't even do and be — you are not only unsafe, you're hypocritical as all get out (a lot of church folks immediately come to mind). There is nothing worse than someone who punishes people for not respecting their time when they are always showing up late. Or not forgiving someone for hurting their feelings when they are constantly offending others and expecting them to get over it. Or demanding respect when they are disrespectful AF. Or putting requirements on others when they can't even meet basic needs from those same people. Or wanting folks to constantly be available to them when they can't make those individuals a priority in their life. Y'all know I could go on and on.
The point here is a safe person knows that they are being semi-ridiculous if they're requiring others to be what they aren't even striving to be themselves. Unsafe people? They couldn't care less. That's because they are selfish and draining. They aren't trying to make others feel secure in their relationship with them; they are just trying to see what they can get out of the dynamic, for as long as they can.
Honestly, I am so impassioned about this topic that I could go on and on yet I'm hoping that this is a good starting point of reference. Y'all, the world is crazy enough out here (and getting crazier by the way) without the people who call us "family", "friend" or "loved one" not being able to see us as safe. If some of this provoked an "ouch", there's no time like the present to make some changes. Have safe and be safe. Make that your mantra. Your world will be so much — pardon the pun — safer if you do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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