Are You An Emotionally & Relationally Safe Person To Be Around? 6 Ways To Know.
If there is a book that I will forever recommend to folks when it comes to relationships (professional or personal, platonic or romantic), it'sSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't. When you grow up around people who aren't very safe — mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, relationally, spiritually…chile, you name it — and if you're trying to break the generational curse of all of that mess, you come to find the word "safe" to be one of your favorite ones and biggest aspirations.
I adore everything about safe. Safe means "secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk". Some synonyms for safe include healthy, sound, whole, careful, discreet, considerate, vigilant, forethoughtful (I really like that one), genuine and trustworthy. I must admit that, for years, due to a lot of what happened in my childhood and adolescence and then the PTSD that followed, when it comes to some of the words that I just shared, I wasn't the safest person either — safe to myself or for others. These days, though? Baby, I am hypervigilant about being a safe space and not allowing anyone into my personal sphere who isn't one as well.
Thing is, so many of us are around toxic people (check out "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members", "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" and "Estranged From A Family Member? Let That Guilt Go.") so much that we don't even pause to think about 1) what it means to engage safe people and, more importantly, what it means to actually be a safe individual. Let's especially unpack that second part today, shall we? If a goal in your own life is to have people define you when you die as, not being perfect (that is unrealistic as all get out) but safe, here are six clear signs that you are indeed, just that.
1. Words Like “Manipulative”, “Controlling” and/or “Triggering” Aren’t Used to Describe You
Lawd. Some people are so manipulative that they don't even recognize it. Why? Because they manipulate themselves more than they do anyone else. What are some of the signs of a manipulative person? They gaslight. They have "selective memory" (don't remember what they do wrong but remember everything you don't do right) in order to achieve their goals and stratagems. They like to use guilt to get you to do things you don't want to do. They look for loopholes when it comes to your boundaries and limits. They play the victim as a way to deflect from responsibility. They apply pressure to get things to go their way. They flatter a lot, only in order to butter you up (even the Bible rolls its eyes on flattery; look it up sometime). They try everything in their power to make you feel insecure or second-guess yourself. They hold grudges and/or give the silent treatment. And why do they do this? In order to gain some sense of control over you.
And what do controlling people look and live like? They aggressively violate your boundaries. They constantly criticize (even if it's backhanded compliments). They are moody as all get out (because they like for people to walk on eggshells around them). They keep tabs on everything (what you did and didn't do). They are intimidating (on purpose). They are hypercritical. They are constantly stirring up drama (online, off or both). They take control of all conversations so that you feel as if you don't have a voice. They're nosey and don't honor privacy (and feel justified in being that way). They're territorial. And these kinds of people are oftentimes triggering…by design…because they want to be.
So, here's the thing about triggers. Folks' triggers are not other people's fault. In fact, I'll be the first to say that once you recognize that you have a trigger, it is your responsibility to get to the root of what that trigger is so that you can process, heal and deactivate it as much as possible (check out "How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You"). However, an unsafe person will either make it their mission to find your triggers, stomp on them as much as possible and then say you're overreacting when you respond to what they are doing or they will keep testing your "trigger areas" to see if they still work.
In short, manipulative, controlling and triggering people do not provide a space for peace or even a way for you to relax. And when it comes to being a safe person, folks should see you as a place to be able to do both.
2. People’s Secrets Are Well Kept
Let me give you a heads up that if you've got to say, what I'm about to say, before telling someone something, you shouldn't tell them at all — "Promise me you won't say anything." What in the world? While I will say that some of us are way more open than others (me, for instance) and so sometimes getting clarity on how on-the-low what you've been told may need to be, what I am speaking of is something that anyone with a lick of common sense knows should be kept to themselves. A safe person will never need to heads up on keeping the information close.
Case in point. I've got a friend who is damn near hilarious when it comes to how well she can keep a secret or just intel, in general. It's to the point where, if I just spoke with her mom or her daughter and I call her and ask her where they are headed for the day because I need something from them, she will usually say something along the lines of, "Call them back and ask." To me, it's not that big of a deal (lawd) while, to her, her motto is, "What folks want you to know, they will tell you." Because she's such a vault in this way, I can also rest easy that whatever I tell her, it will stay with her. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever told her anything while feeling the need to put some sort of "keep it hush" tag on it. And we've been pretty tight for about 20 years now (in part, because of that).
Anyway, when it comes to the topic of keeping things a secret, oftentimes we associate that with being sneaky or something. Yet it's important to remember that honoring someone's secrets is really just about keeping information confidential. Another definition that I really like when it comes to the word "secret" is "kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged". That's dope because it's a reminder that, when someone shares with you private and personal information, that is not a "right" but a privilege. You should feel privileged when people tell you things that they don't want other people to know.
While we're here, another indicator of a safe person, on the secret tip, is even if a relationship shifts, the secrets still remain safe. This goes for divorced couples. This goes for broken friendships. This goes for ended work dynamics. Safe people don't "switch up" just because a connection does. If you agreed that something remains solely between you and another person, it honestly needs to remain that way. Period. If you want to be considered a safe person, anyway.
3. You Are Consistent in Your Character
People of strong character are generally people who are safe to be around. And just what does it mean to have good character? Are you accountable? Are you reliable? Do you keep your word, no matter what? Are you honest? Are you loyal? Do you operate from a place of unwavering integrity? Do you have a sense of compassion? Are you respectful? Do you see humility as something that is a desirable trait? Are you consistent with your words and actions (lawd!)? Do you know how to be patient? Can you forgive? Do you love well? I know, a tall order, right?
While being a person of great character isn't easy, the point with this one is it's something that you actually strive to do. Hmph. You'd be amazed how many people don't do things like hold themselves accountable (instead, they want to blame everyone and everything else for their choices and outcomes); forgive (as if they are without flaw and don't need it); humble themselves (and admit when they're wrong); do what they say they are going to do; tell the truth (no matter what), or respect people's boundaries.
Character, as it relates to safety, simply means that you're someone who others know come from a solid and honorable place. Yes, you may mess up and disappoint from time to time yet it's not a constant thing and when you apologize and own your mess, they know that you will do your best to not repeat the same mistake — or bad choice — twice (and definitely not redundantly). For all of these reasons, it's hard to separate words like "character" and "safe".
4. You Allow Others to Be Themselves
This one is a good one. Before I get deep into this, let me put up the disclaimer that someone allowing you to "be yourself" doesn't mean that they sit around and let you be reckless AF. A part of what comes with being in relationships with other people is trusting them to hold you accountable which includes telling you things that you may not want to hear. Indeed, some folks are so busy "not judging" that their loved ones are destroying the quality of their lives — and that is unfortunate.
No, what I mean by this is, the quote that I oftentimes use — "If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary." An auto racer by the name of Larry Dixon once said that. An unsafe person is so insecure that they think their job is to make other people look, think and act like them, so that they can feel better about themselves. On the other hand, a safe person doesn't need "groupie clones" because 1) they are uber confident in their own individuality and 2) they like seeing others as unique and as avenues to learn and experience new and different things.
I can't tell you how many times that I've sat in a session with a married couple and rolled my eyes (sometimes inwardly, sometimes outwardly), all because it was abundantly clear that one partner was unsafe as all get out because they spent more time trying to change their partner to be more like them than celebrate the rareness and originality that their spouse brought to the table.
When people can be their authentic self around you, that is a beautiful thing. It also is such an indication of being a safe person. How safe are you?
5. You Don’t Weaponize Your Love
A motto that I made up years ago that I try my hardest to live by is "love is a gift, not a bribe". What that means is, while if two people agree to be in a relationship, what should automatically come with that is some form of reciprocity, you still don't use love as a way to get what you want from other people. Gifts are given voluntarily without strings. Bribes always have some sort of an agenda.
Remember how I mentioned some of the PTSD that I had to heal from (and I still have to stay on top of, if I'm gonna keep it one hundred), some of the other fallout that happened to me as the result of toxic people in my growing up experience is I saw that being loved meant that I had to meet certain expectations or even tolerate patterns of abuse. And so, I used to love people in the same way. If someone feels like you are going to constantly keep tabs on them, how can they ever be at ease in your presence? Also, if you're going to keep moving the goalpost on your expectations and needs or you are going to put forth the kind of energy that makes them feel as if they will never measure up in your eyes, there is not a damn thing that is even remotely safe about that.
Something that really fascinates me about love is people attempt to weaponize it all of the time which means they don't really grasp its purpose at all. Loving someone is the most selfless and agenda-less thing that you can do. This means that if you are anything different from what I just said, you're doing love wrong — you're using it to do more harm than good and it doesn't get much more unsafe than that.
6. You Are Not a Hypocrite
One more. If you're the kind of person who expects people to do and be what you can't even do and be — you are not only unsafe, you're hypocritical as all get out (a lot of church folks immediately come to mind). There is nothing worse than someone who punishes people for not respecting their time when they are always showing up late. Or not forgiving someone for hurting their feelings when they are constantly offending others and expecting them to get over it. Or demanding respect when they are disrespectful AF. Or putting requirements on others when they can't even meet basic needs from those same people. Or wanting folks to constantly be available to them when they can't make those individuals a priority in their life. Y'all know I could go on and on.
The point here is a safe person knows that they are being semi-ridiculous if they're requiring others to be what they aren't even striving to be themselves. Unsafe people? They couldn't care less. That's because they are selfish and draining. They aren't trying to make others feel secure in their relationship with them; they are just trying to see what they can get out of the dynamic, for as long as they can.
Honestly, I am so impassioned about this topic that I could go on and on yet I'm hoping that this is a good starting point of reference. Y'all, the world is crazy enough out here (and getting crazier by the way) without the people who call us "family", "friend" or "loved one" not being able to see us as safe. If some of this provoked an "ouch", there's no time like the present to make some changes. Have safe and be safe. Make that your mantra. Your world will be so much — pardon the pun — safer if you do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
The Kamala Effect: Top Black Women In Politics To Watch Now, Into 2025
With a landmark Election Day coming up soon, everyone will be watching to see whether Vice President Kamala Harris makes history by becoming the first Black woman to become president of the United States. And as she has gathered monumental support from Black women around the world (including the more than 44,000 who raised millions in minutes shortly after she announced she’d be running), other Black women politicians also stand to make history in their respective elections, running to serve local and statewide communities.
Just as there have been barriers to Black women serving as CEOs of Fortune 500 companies (with only four having been appointed to those roles), there’s a massive glass ceiling for Black women in politics as well. Only 0.4% of all members of Congress identified as Black, and only 13.4% of all women who have served in Congress to date have identified as Black, according to research.
To date, no Black woman has served as governor of a state (though there has been a Black woman lieutenant governor, which we’ll get to later.)
Glass Ceiling In Politics For Black Women
Black women face the ever-so-usual gender bias and racism when running for office, but they also have to deal with another major deterrent to launching a viable campaign: funding. According to the Washington Post, while campaign fundraising “overall” saw a boost for women in 2020 compared with 2018, “Black women across party lines raised significantly less money than White women.”
The publication further reported that in 2020, data reflected “that the 113 active Black women candidates running on all tickets raised nearly $81 million in the first three quarters compared to the nearly $811 million pulled in by their 379 active White women counterparts across party lines, according to data provided by the Center for Responsive Politics. More than $1.5 billion was raised by over 1,000 White men from all parties in the same timeframe.”
Paying staff, covering marketing and ads, travel expenses, and more are all vital and very costly, expanding one’s reach, impact, and exposure to land the votes. This is one major reason that, when Black women finally make it to the finish line with enough support to get a serious spot on the ballot, it’s more than a big deal.
So, here are a few Black women in politics who have made history, continue to push barriers, and powerhouses to watch as we near Election Day on November 5:
Angela Alsobrooks
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A Maryland native, Angela Alsobrooks graduated from Duke University and the University of Maryland School of Law. She worked as a law clerk in the Howard County Circuit Court and the Baltimore City Circuit Court before taking on the role of Assistant State’s Attorney in Prince George’s County, a role in which she made history as the youngest and first woman in the role. She’s now running for the state senator seat in Maryland, which, if she wins, would make her the fourth Black woman in history to serve in the Senate.
Winsome Earle-Sears
Winsome Earle-Sears is a native of Kingston, Jamaica, who served in the United States Marine Corps. Before becoming the first woman to be elected lieutenant governor of Virginia and the first Black woman elected to statewide office, she served as the vice president of the Virginia State Board of Education and a presidential appointee to the U.S. Census Bureau, co-chair of the African American Committee and the Advisory Committee on Women Veterans to the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. She earned a bachelor’s degree in economics from Old Dominion University and a master’s degree in organizational leadership with a concentration in government from Regent University.
She has filed to run for governor of the state in 2025 and, if successful, would become the first and only woman (as well as Black woman) in the U.S. and its territories.
Lisa Blunt Rochester
Lisa Blunt Rochester represents Delaware in the U.S. House of Representatives and serves as an Assistant Whip for House Leadership. She also serves on the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. Raised in Wilmington, Delaware, she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University with a degree in international relations and later earned a master’s degree in urban affairs and public policy from the University of Delaware.
She’s also running for the state senate seat in Delaware and would make history if elected. If she and Albrook are both successful, that will be a first as well, as it would be the first time two Black women are serving in the U.S. Senate at the same time.
Carol Moseley Braun
A native of Chicago (who now lives in the Hyde Park neighborhood the Obamas also call home), Carol Moseley Braun became the first woman senator from Illinois and the first Black woman to serve in the Senate when she won in 1992 (and was the only Black woman to serve in the six years she held her seat.) She later served as U.S. ambassador to New Zealand, a visiting professor at Northwestern University, launched a food company, and now serves as chairman of the United States African Development Foundation. She graduated from the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Chicago Law School.
Lauren Underwood
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Born in Ohio but raised in Illinois, Lauren Underwood was sworn into Congress in 2019, becoming the first woman, the first person of color, and the youngest (as a millennial!) elected to represent the state. A registered nurse by trade, she’s the co-founder and co-chair of the Black Maternal Health Caucus and the co-chair of the House Democratic Policy and Communications Committee. She also serves on the House Committee on Appropriations. Before that, she served as a senior adviser at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). She is a graduate of the University of Michigan and Johns Hopkins University.
Ayanna Pressley
Representing Massachusetts, Ayanna Pressley was the first Black woman to be elected to Congress from the state. Before that, she served as a member of the Boston City Council, becoming the first woman of color to serve in that capacity. In that role, she formed the Committee on Healthy Women, Families, and Communities, addressing issues including domestic violence and human trafficking. She empowered many, going viral and making headlines in 2020 when she revealed she has alopecia and unapologetically took off her wig to rock a bald head, shifting the narrative on Black women, code-switching, and appearance in political arenas and beyond.
Jennifer McClellan
Jennifer McClellan was sworn into the U.S. House last year, becoming the first Black woman to represent Virginia in Congress. A Virginia native, she earned a bachelor’s degree from the University of Richmond and her Juris Doctorate from the University of Virginia School of Law. She was previously elected to the Virginia House of Delegates in 2005 and served in that post until she was elected to the Virginia State Senate in 2017.
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